Sexual predator -brother-in-law

[Aitkenalistair]

Hiya , looking for a bit of advice. Had an argument with my big sister over something trivial,however it got a little out of hand and I informed her yesterday that 15 years ago her husband attempted to get into bed with my wife and loomed over her and kissed her 3 times on the forehead saying he loved her,when we were all on holiday . She pretended she was asleep and he eventually left. I have never told my big sis of this until yesterday as I didn't want to create a fuss. She does not believe this after speaking with her husband -who denied everything . Since that incident happened my wife has been afraid to be in the same room as my brother-in-law. Is there anything I can do to repair my relationship with my sister as she refuses to believe that this incident happened?

I wish I did , however I wanted to keep the peace and put it down to him being drunk.

I’m not surprised she doesn’t believe it when you bring it up in an argument after 15 years of not doing anything about it. Such a weird response to never confront him about the situation before.

That's families for you - it's quite a difficult thing to bring up.

Hmm

Wow. Do you realise how you are coming across here?

You are using a sexual assault your wife experienced in an argument with your sister over a completely unrelated matter.

Not because of how it actually made your wife feel but purely to get one over on your sister.

No not really. I would consider the relationship damaged beyond repair, but I would have dealt with it when it happened.

Nah, I’m not buying this one. Why would you be calling him a sexual predator in the title then calling him a nice guy in other posts. And you didn’t answer my previous question.

Takes a special.kind of wanker to troll about sexual.assault. So I hope not.

You are behaving awfully. You didnt tell your sister 15 years ago then blurt it out in an argument. She has now spent 15 years with him since, you have taken away her choice of dealing with him at the time. I would not forgive you if my brother.

Also shit for your wife.

Oooh careful. There's abuse apology then there's just 'this sounds a bit odd, what happened'.

I am a sleepwalker especially in new situations. I have climbed into bed with a (male) housemate before (I did not fancy him, we both had partners, he was a gent and showed me back to my own bed), phoned people whilst asleep and woken up midway through conversations and one time gone into a housemate's room and gone to the toilet in their en-suite with the door open.

Sleepwalking is real and people do very very odd things when doing it.

you seem to be more worried about your relationship with your family than how your actions have affected your wife.
the thing about sexual assault is another human takes your opportunity for choice on what happens to your body away from you. It is therefore so important that the victim has choice on how the aftermath of the assault is handled so they get some of their power back. You used your wife's experience to attack your sister in an argument. Your wife had no say in this information becoming public; and she is going to not only likely going to be triggered by the talk around this, but also she will need to deal with her experience being dragged through family conversations and potentially be the crux of a potential rift in your family. Through no fault of her own she was betrayed by your b'n'law and now betrayed by you.
I think you have a much bigger problem then your relationship with your sister and her husband. Your wife might not be able to get over this so I would be begging for her forgiveness pretty pronto if I was you.

within reason, yes. Professionals cannot keep it private and don’t make this promise. And they’re honest with you when you tell them about their reasons why. I think his wife could have gotten over, ‘look, I had to tell my sister because I have little nieces I want to keep safe, but I promise to handle this quietly and delicately’ vs this.

Exactly this
by not addressing it it’s condoning it then 15 years later it’s still an issue
I’d have called him out at the time not pretended to be asleep

It's not on to blame the wife - she did what felt safest to her in the moment that a drunk man was trying to get into bed with her.

Freezing is part of the four main ways of reacting to threat - fight, flight, fawn and freeze.

Ah, I guessed that was the case;

It is not 'innocent' to go into someone's bedroom, kiss them three times on the head and tell them you love them, it's a dreadful intrusion and quite frightening at the time.

However people do and say weird things when very drunk. His problem is more likely to be alcohol than being a sexual predator.

Op, you can do no more but should have spoken about it when it happened. If the guy was very drunk I doubt he remembers it now.

I informed her yesterday that 15 years ago her husband attempted to get into bed with my wife

Why did you remain silent for 15 fucking years???

You only told your sister to spite her in an argument.

I’d find it hard to trust you again. It’s either true and you’ve lied for 15 years. Or you made it up to upset her.

Either way you behave like a dick!

You’re rather good at ignoring things.

This /\

Sometimes, in spite of the fact it can be embarasing or tricky, and a lot easier to brush under the carpet, but sometimes other peoples behaviour has to be adressed head on.
Fifteen years ago, the way your BIL scared your wife was one of those times.

You have opened up a can of worms now, I dont know how you can put the lid back on. I imagine your sister is now mistrusting of both you and her husband, and possibly thinks your wife is a liar.
Your wife will be reliving it all over again, and you, whilst you may have thought you were playing a trump card in putting your sister down, you have merely caused a great deal of heartache to the people you should have been protecting.

So you did fuck all about it when it happened but 15 years later you threw a traumatic personal event that happened to your wife in your sisters face to hurt her.

Wow aren't you a charmer.

Is it possible you can refrain from swearing? Or do you not have the vocabulary do do so?

Is it possible that you could refrain from using the sexual assault of your wife - which you completely minimised for years - as a weapon against your sister? Or do you not have the decency to do so?

I think we all know the answer to that.

Frankly, I hope your wife and your sister both file for divorce and run off together.