Sexual predator -brother-in-law

[Aitkenalistair]

Hiya , looking for a bit of advice. Had an argument with my big sister over something trivial,however it got a little out of hand and I informed her yesterday that 15 years ago her husband attempted to get into bed with my wife and loomed over her and kissed her 3 times on the forehead saying he loved her,when we were all on holiday . She pretended she was asleep and he eventually left. I have never told my big sis of this until yesterday as I didn't want to create a fuss. She does not believe this after speaking with her husband -who denied everything . Since that incident happened my wife has been afraid to be in the same room as my brother-in-law. Is there anything I can do to repair my relationship with my sister as she refuses to believe that this incident happened?

Agree with all the PPs

You have been weak and afraid of confrontation and as a result you have really let your wife down and no doubt let your family think she's some sort of weirdo for avoiding your BIL.

You are also wrong for using a traumatic event to point score against your sister.

You need to speak with your wife.

Is there anything I can do to repair my relationship with my sister as she refuses to believe that this incident happened?

Probably not, because she has a LOT invested in the idea her dh is a good man who doesn't molest her relatives. She doesn't want to believe you.

So the only thing you could do is probably lie that you made it up and beg forgiveness - and if you did that, I hope that your wife will leave you.

It's not really your fault, it's your BILs shit. It's unfortunate it was covered up by you for so long.

Who knows who else he's tried it on with or SAd. I hope you don't have daughters.

A drunk brother in law. Who waits 15 years to decide said BIL is a sexual predator and tells his wife, but did absolutely nothing at the time? Either husband condoned it, or he didn't think it was a big deal. Now he wants to stir trouble with his sister.

I don't blame his sister for not believing him now, who wouldn't have told their sister that their husband is a dangerous sexual predator at the time, not 15 years later. She's been living with this man for 15 years not knowing.

He was blazing drunk as always!

I didn't want to create an issue and my wife said to just leave it as it would have caused too much hassle at the time, however I feel my sister needs to know- but she's not interested!

No no no.
your wife is the victim. You made this mess. You go to her, tail between your legs and you apologise profusely. It’s done with your sister. Whether she believes you or not it’s done.
focus on your wife fgs. A man took her autonomy once and fucking terrified her. To do it again would be a huge fucking insult

she probably knows I am telling the truth, but is happy with her comfortable life and six holidays a year

I’ve been in a very similar situation. My brother’s mate did this to me when I was seventeen. My brother knew about it because he came in and pulled him out of my bed. Fast forward 30 years later this guy was best man at my wedding and my brother sat him next to me. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and he dismissed the whole thing. So, I told my dad and he sorted it out.

I didn't want to cause issues with my big sis or my brother in law as I like them both as people and my wife also didn't want to create an issue at the time as she was reasonably new to the family

If you could replay that night, would you make the same choice again that night to not cause issues?

@catipuss wtf! are you on glue?

"I didn't want to cause issues with my big sis or my brother in law as I like them both as people and my wife also didn't want to create an issue at the time as she was reasonably new to the family"

How can you possibly like your brother inlaw as a person when he is a sexually abusing drunk cunt?....... that sexually abused your wife? serious question 🤔

So you weaponised your BIL's terrible behaviour- the behaviour you ignored 15 years ago- to use against your sister now, mid-row.
Not great.

All you can do right now is support your wife, talk to her. This will have landed really weirdly for her. Be there for her. You can't control the rest.
You said what you said. You can't fix the consequences of what you said to your sister and you can't undo what your BIL did in the past, but you can try and work through this past incident with your wife now by being supportive of her.
Maybe avoiding your BIL is a healthy thing for now. Maybe your wife will eventually want to make amends with him and your sister. Who knows? You need to talk to your wife about how she's feeling and let time do the healing.
For reasons only you yourself can understand, you didn't show up 15 years ago. Instead, you weaponised your BILs terrible actions against your sister 15 years later. Maybe you can right this by showing up for your wife now. She's the focus right now. And you need to address all of this with her.

I regret it now and I regret having to bring it up 15 years later but I was pushed into a corner with my big sisters sanctimonious attitude over another issue

This.

Vile behaviour.

Nah, you were angry and used what your wife experienced to hurt your sister. Own it.

That's nice! Thanks for the advice

I’m sorry I don’t think you get this.
you made a promise to your wife to keep her sexual assault secret. Fine. You say you have your reasons, it’s your job to support your wife. Morally dubious, but ok.
but did your wife give you consent to tell your sister, after you explicitly agreed not to 15 years ago? No. So now you’ve retraumatised her by making her relive it and be disbelieved because now you’ve decided your sister needs to know???
how are you not getting this?

It doesn’t feel like this is written by a man,

You didn't have to bring it up 15 years later. You chose to do that. Stop blaming your sister for your own stupid behaviour. Also - you like this man? The always drunk sexual predator. Awful.

Maybe but she was the instigator so I can fully justify my actions

Stop embarrassing yourself.

I've never tried to rape someone! Is that comparable to posting videos of my puppy on their Whatsapp page and getting verbally abused for it? She needed to hear a few home truths

Your wife’s sexual assault was not one of them. You’re grim

Thanks for the advice- I'll choose to ignore it, unfortunately xx

I couldn't imagine my brother in law doing that drunk or sober although I agree the op should have acted at the time