MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

Dm was up in arms one day because db had got a speeding ticket. She recited his ridiculous argument that it’s the only crime where you’re presumed guilty not innocent (because the courts are just there twiddling their thumbs!). Did he do it? Yes. Is there a clear photo? Yes.

This is what happens when you’re coddled into adulthood. He argues with managers, sends irate emails to his son’s school when there’s any hint of criticism of his work. The rest of us go and see the teacher and try to fix it. They suggested he repeat a year and he went nuts - blamed it on Ukrainian refugees! Persuaded them not to and then takes him out of school for days out.

Can they see it? Absolutely not. I feel sorry for my nephew. He’s the next generation of it.

The pattern is that they feel perpetually hard done by. Impossible to have a normal conversation with. I, too, feel sorry for the kids. I see nephews getting damaged by it, at least they don't seem to take after their mum luckily

It probably is being raised being pandered to. My MiL is the worst person to go to a cafe with because she’ll be asking the staff to do all these bending over backwards things for her that she could easily work around or just suck it up for once.

@Ladybyrd I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your parents why you’ve made these choices. It might not make any difference, and probably won’t, but it helps to get it out. So you haven’t just got the things you’d like to say to someone going around your head, unsaid. It’s therapeutic in that way.

@Spendysis she might have been telling her friends she’d bought your mum’s house “to help, so she had the money she needed”. The bollocks these people say about themselves is endless.

@Blackcloudlooming yes, I think it’s quite common to feel the need to be cagey with relatives you know could pass on information even if you don’t think they would. In older times, my DH and I would tell his brother things and then we learnt not to do that! But he’s a narc too so probably tells MiL things on purpose. The other kind is the well-meaning but lacking in understanding relatives that can’t see the harm in telling them you got a new job at X, or moved to Y or whatever. You do have to be careful if they’re either kind. Other people get it and they’re like a vault because they’re similarly cagey with their own info around the parent and understand that you don’t want your info sharing.

I've had a message from my mum asking if she's said something to upset me because she hasn't heard any news from me in a long time. She says she's not aware of anything and asks if she has missed something due to her poor hearing 🤨.

Before she said all that, her message was about my eldest DC and how she will be going to high school in a few weeks.

My eldest DC is 10! So not going to high school until August 2027.

The fucking irony in her stating something as fact (which she has been told is incorrect several times) and then following it with "have i done something wrong? I'm not aware."

What is wrong is that she doesn't listen, doesn't pay attention, doesn't care.

And as for 'not hearing any news from me in a long time' - the last time I messaged her something was just 4 weeks ago, some photos of DC enjoying a weekend away. She sent me a two word reply, so she definitely got it. We've exchanged a couple of messages since then too. I do this to be the bigger person I guess. To inform her of things, but not give her the opportunity to trample all over it.

DH agrees that she is definitely a narcissist, but also wonders if she's in cognitive decline too. I wondered about speaking with my brother about this latest message and seeing what his take on it is. He lives near her, they have a closer relationship, but I don't speak with him often either. No bad blood or anything we're just not chatty siblings.

@SlowSloths I’d be extremely surprised if it’s real cognitive decline and not just an excuse she can blame for obviously not giving a shit. During therapy, when backed into a corner by all of her children agreeing she had done xyz, my MiL suddenly told everyone she only had about 20% of her memories from that period of time (no explanation as to why or how, or how come she could remember everything from her own childhood or theirs as long as it wasn’t her shit behaviour or things she should have known about her kids etc). Anyway, she uses this to this day if anyone challenges her because she’s learnt nobody can prove otherwise. It’s just another step on the “I don’t know what you’re talking about” defence-mechanism, imo.

@Eeriefairy yes, she puts a lot of things down to her 'poor hearing' and does the whole "I can't help it, its my ears". Its definitely not. And how does that explain her not reading things in messages? Or even just having a basic grasp of life: 10 year old don't go to high school. That's not something you mishear. She has a habit of remembering things differently. So you can't call her out on anything.

Just to add. We haven't spoken on the phone for 18 months. Have only seen each other once in that time. All communication has been via WhatsApp or text messages (she's stopped using WhatsApp now for some reason) so what exactly has poor hearing got to do with any of it?

@Eeriefairydsis is an expert liar so she will of told them she has bought dm house especially as she has just sold her own house and they will probably believe her as they won’t know about her interest only mortgage plus 2 other mortgages she had to repay on her house or the equity release on dm house can’t believe I didn’t think of that one.

hopefully with opg applying to court of protection they will evict her and sell the house for dm care home fees and the truth will come out eventually

@SlowSloths sometimes I wonder if it’s also a bit of passive aggression - they know it will be infuriating for them to say they didn’t hear you, when it was a text (!) but if you get annoyed they can make you out to be a horrible person, getting angry with them for being deaf.

@Spendysis it does sound like her house of cards is tumbling!

My mother has (or had) the ultimate passive aggressive move. She’d ask me a question and then just completely ignore me when I answered. Not just once - sometimes several times per visit. I was quite shocked when my dad started noticing and calling her out on it (he’s very deaf indeed). Latterly if she did it I’d just get my phone out and start browsing the internet mid conversation.

She did it to me all my life but after I had children I actually started questioning it. I think a lot of all this crappy behaviour is just to keep me in my place.

First post on this thread, likely to be a rant as I don’t have anyone in real life who understands me.

It’s only clicked in the past few years that my parents were emotionally neglectful.

On paper my childhood was great, I didn’t want for anything materially, went on a foreign holiday every year etc. But I feel like my eyes have finally opened to the fact I’ve essentially raised myself emotionally.

My dad is emotionally immature and hates conflict, so it is not possible to have a serious discussion about anything. I try and address anything that he’s done to hurt my feelings and he just changes the subject. However, he is very warm and loving, and the happiest memories of my childhood were because of him. So rightly, or wrongly, I can let his emotional unavailability slide.

My mum on the other hand, she is the coldest woman I have ever met. I honestly feel no bond towards her at all, and don’t remember her ever showing emotion or affection to me, or to anyone. I must’ve felt it when I was younger as I couldn’t even bring myself to tell her I’d started my period when I was younger, she only found out because I was stealing products from her. I feel gaslighted by her most of the time, as her face and words will always say different things, or she’s incredibly generous materially but cannot show an ounce of affection. She hugs me and it’s the limpest, quickest hug and she can’t wait to break away.

I’ve just came back from a week holiday with her and family planned for a special occasion, but she found a way to spoil every single day or cause tension. But then messages once we’re home that it was unforgettable, but her behaviour quite literally said the opposite. She makes me question whether I’ve imagined her behaviour, or if I’m just intolerant.

I’m grieving the mum I never had, but living with the reality that I’m going to need extensive therapy to deal with the absence of a proper emotionally intelligent upbringing. I also can’t go no contact because my dad’s life will be made even more miserable by her, so I feel stuck keeping the peace and being made to feel the bad guy when she inevitably pushes me into snapping.

It’s comforting that I am not alone with this having read this thread, but I am sad for each and everyone of us trying to undo the damage of our parents, and learn what it’s like to feel and show emotions.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m not going to lie - it is fucking horrible - and the worst part is exactly what you’ve said. Grieving the parent you deserved but didn’t get.

It does get easier though. I hit rock bottom with mine in March this year. There’s something about seeing them for who they really are - you can’t unsee it. Your parents sound bizarrely similar to mine.

I have learned to start saying no rather than begging for scraps. Fuck it, if they can’t behave sensibly then there is nothing I can do to change that so I find it better and more peaceful to stay away. There’s a lot of power to be had in starting to say no. If they won’t respect your boundaries, I’ve found the only way forward is to withdraw. Hurts like hell to start with but it does get better.

I definitely need counselling too.

Does anyone know now I have returned the forms to opg and court of protection I have asked to be party to it as it’s dm and sent a witness statement will I be told what dsis is accused of and what evidence opg have. This is driving me demented for some reason as I am only presuming it her moving into dm house. I am now wondering if she has actually transferred it into her name or bought it which she will of told everyone she has but she will have had very little left after the sale of her house due to 3 mortgages and there is no way she would get a mortgage for the price of dm house

or if its unexplained transactions or something

Theres another skip outside now so I am not convinced she’s got the letter that opg have suspended her as poa immediately which i believe Is quite serious and that they have applied to revoke the poa

the whole thing is driving me mad and making my ibs flare up and I am sure if i knew what was going on and what to expect will there be an actual court hearing? Will it lead to a criminal investigation? I would feel better about things and hopefully stop thinking about it all so much

Dh and went for a walk and to a cafe by a lake to try and take my mind of things it’s somewhere local but only just heard of. Dh cousin daughter aka my dsis best friends daughter was working there last i heard she was in Australia we waved said hello she said she would join us on her break thankfully she didn’t as I was all anxious as I don’t know what lies dsis has said about me.

we were very close as she is similar age to my dc who all got on well and I always got on very well with her at Christmas / birthdays or just round my dsis at weekends and I have no idea what dsis has said about me to people or why we no longer speak so instead of taking my mind off things or relaxing me it made me worse

ididntwanttopostthis

Hi. I would advise you not to holiday with your mother ever again as she will again undermine you at any and all opportunity. I suppose you only went at all because of the FOG - fear obligation and guilt.

I would not let your dad off the hook here either: I presume he is still with your mother and he as a parent cannot be relied upon. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and always need a willing enabler to help them, step forward your dad. He cannot be relied upon and he has also failed you abjectly as a parent by failing to protect you from the excesses of his wife’s behaviour. He did not defend you choosing instead to save his own self and so protecting himself from her barbs. You got thrown under the bus by him.

Spendysis

my limited understanding of such investigations is that they are quite wide ranging. The opg has a lot of statutory powers. They may well send a Court of Visitor to see your mother and they do not need the attorneys consent to do this. Your sister will have to answer to them along with handing over documents and ignorance is no excuse.

@AttilaTheMeerkata opg investigation has already been done and closed over a year ago along with ss and brief police involvement. Then out of the blue I get a letter opg have applied to court of protection I have only been notified as a person of interest as in I am also mums daughter and it simply says they have suspended dsis immediately so she currently has no power to act as attorney for either finance or welfare and have applied to the court to revoke the Lpa as they don’t think dsis is acting in dm best interest.

well I know that i reported this to the banks before poa even registered with the bank because she was transferring money to herself and I was the one who reported it opg who apparently don’t deal with financial abuse coercion so I reported it to ss who won’t get involved neither will police while opg are dealing with it

dm no longer has capacity but i believe they will inform her probably in person i presume dsis will either have to accept the poa is being revoked or contest it and take on opg which is a stupid thing to do but she is that type of person tried to sue the nhs got an offer didn’t accept it ended up with nothing as it went on barrister fees

she has no excuse for everything she has done she knows the rules more than most around care home fees poa she used to be a care home manager/area manager cqc inspector herself very good at advising others on the rules but they obviously don’t apply to her. She even served as a magistrate at one point

The OPG do not apply to the court of protection without good reason to do so.

@AttilaTheMeerkative given myself a good talking to so I don’t go insane wondering what has gone on and what will happen. Opg have their reasons and their evidence to apply to the court of protection i have requested to be informed and in doing so had to give a witness statement which is my version of events which as I don’t know what opg have evidence of so might not be relevant or be part of the case anyway so there is absolutely no point in me trying to guess or tie myself in knots over what it’s about and what may or not happen.

Oh god I made a mistake and agreed to a holiday away with the in-laws and the kids….someone please just shoot me. I have never experienced being undermined so much in my life by the MIL. She absolutely can’t tolerate my opinion and her arrogance is off the scale. Anything I say she just says “nah you don’t need to do that” or “that’s not important”. I have absolutely no idea why she has such a problem with me. She can’t tolerate another perspective whatsoever. I really just want to go home as this isn’t nice.

Can you go home asap with the kids?

@MustIgo
can you get out a bit without her, take just the children?
how long are you there and how far from home?

@ididntwanttopostthis

my childhood was emotionally neglectful .

for me to get to the stage of realising this I suffered terribly in abusive relationships in my teens and twenties. Then 2019 I had a massive nervous breakdown. 2020 wrecked me further but I finally was diagnosed with some MH based illnesses from the trauma and my therapist opened my eyes to it all by firstly letting me realise I hadn’t lost my mind (I was that bad with anxiety I sadly thought i had and could never feel better) and secondly I was neglected from toddler age onwards. So I had to have it spelt out to me by a professional to believe it I just always said I had rubbish parents.

so at least you have got to that stage easier than me, I would suggest trying therapy.

i am now having a bad time again but nothing like before, I was suicidal and everything, all from the treatment of others. I’m currently LC with both of my parents and NC with everyone else as my siblings decided to kicked me out of the family in my hour of need.

We’ve only got about 1.5 days to go. Honestly this women is the most cold and arrogant person I’ve ever met. She is cold as ice towards me and it’s making me question myself. I’ve just stopped talking as I end up getting argumentative trying to make my points stick. No one can have an opinion outside of hers, she is extremely reactive, she is in charge. The more it goes
on the more confident and arrogant she is getting. It’s absolutely pathetic, there is no warmth towards me. I have a chronic long term illness that affects my energy levels and she is completely dismissing me. I even think that my needs are pissing her off. I always just thought that we are were different but this is more then being different, she has no empathy. I can see why the other son is so arrogant and proper narc. There is never ever going to be a relationship between us because she is threatened by my different opinions. Imagine a grown women behaving like a peacock, name dropping and event dropping over me, I’m no one, why that need. I thought this holiday would make us closer. Honestly I thought perhaps she was autistic because of her special interests and narrow focus but I’m not sure autistic people are this confident and arrogant and so dismissive.

I think I’ve counted on 8 occasions over the past few days where I’ve said something along the lines of well we are all different and we all need/want different things. She is hostile towards simply needing something different. My youngest is absolutely terrified of hand dryers in the toilets but she will not allow this to be true. It doesn’t fucking matter what she thinks or says. If she says it’s because you are allowing it to happen one more time I think I’ll hit her. Someone please explain to me how can you be hostile towards someone simply needing something different or not liking something she thinks they should? She keeps banging on about camping in empty fields and how I don’t need any entertainment and I keep saying that’s ok for you but not for me but she won’t have it!!!!

@MustIgo I don’t know the answer, but just offering sympathy. My dad is just like this. “You shouldn’t need entertainment while camping” - he says things like that and it pisses him off when someone admits they’re not happy to “stiff upper lip” whatever he thinks they should. It also makes him fully pissed off when my DH says he doesn’t like the Beatles. It’s bizarre. He would call himself open minded, but how can you be open minded if you literally think people should all like the music you like?

I think the only answer is just to not put yourself in her company anymore. It’s not your fault, you’re not doing anything wrong and she’s got a problem no matter what. For what it’s worth, my DD has only just stopped being terrified/freaked out by air blower hand driers and it’s nothing to do with me - my youngest was never like it, just my eldest. People have their own feelings and they grow and develop differently.

Her attitude sounds like she thinks everything is in her control, so likewise she thinks your DC are under your control - if that makes sense. Totally neglecting to understand that people aren’t robots, you can’t just programme a child to be afraid of this and not of that. It would do my head in being around that in such a sustained way on a holiday.