Im dating a man who lost his wife and I’m wondering if it’s too soon?

[Littleloss]

Hi, I’m dating a wonderful man, and amazing father (1 girl, 1 boy). He lost his wife 2.5 years ago and since he has had 4 relatively short relationships, he admits he’s lonely on his own and is looking for a long term partner. I suppose my concern is that I don’t want to be another girl in a string of short relationships for him, I’m looking for my life partner to be there for me and my son. It’s quite intense, we’ve been out on only a few dates, but we both seem to be falling quite hard. I suppose I’m asking are multiple short term relationships a red flag in this situation? It may be normal (widower or not), but I’ve never been someone who’s had short relationships. Thanks all ☺️

I wouldn’t necessarily say so. He sounds like he knows what he wants and is prepared to move on when he doesn’t find it.
If each one is being introduced to the children though, I might see that as an issue.

Grief is obviously a very individual journey and it's impossible to say if your man is moving through it quickly and well, or if he's struggling. He probably doesn't even know himself.

As a widower myself, I know that I was (and still am) lonely after my wife died 4 years ago. I recognised in myself at the time a desire to try and fill the huge hole in my life - but I also realised that it was a hole that couldn't be filled and I had to learn to live with it before I could be ready for a new relationship.

A series of short relationships would suggest that he is desperately searching to find someone who can make him feel whole again. My guess would be that he needs to learn to be on his own before he is ready to couple up. But it's just an opinion; as I say, everyone is different

Good luck

I don’t have personal experiences of this but I think what @Emptyandsad says make a lot of sense.

When I was single, I was talking to a widower online once on a dating app. I asked him when his wife/mum of his kids had died and he said “ages ago”. So it turned out “ages ago” was the previous year. That and the fact he was moving on so fast did put me off. Although I know that’s not uncommon for men as they tend to move on a lot faster than widows, it still doesn’t sit right with me.

Hard to say, however, intense relationships tend to burn out quicker, so I suggest dialling it back and not getting carried away with it from your end.

OP, it's hard to know at this stage. He is trying to fill the empty space but the failed relationships show he wasn't ready. I wonder who ended them, him or the women concerned. Also how old are his children? I would suggest pacing yourself from now on, you are already at the intense stage so you need to slow things down. Don't allow yourself to be his ' everything'. As @Emptyandsad says he needs to learn to live with his loss before he frantically tries to fill the empty space. If you really like him then slow down and really get to know him before you plunge in!

Hmm 4 short term relationships in a couple of years would be a red flag for me, even without taking the fact he’s widowed into account.

He seems to be trying to fill a void and I’d be very wary of getting involved especially with it being so intense at start.

Tread very carefully

The time isn’t too bad, DPs knew a man who had remarried less than a year after his wife died.

Who ended the previous relationships? I would be concerned he is frantically trying to find a replacement mother to raise his kids and do the housework. Did the kids meet the previous women he dated, it just reads as if he's rushing along.

Thank you all for the replies. Him trying to fill an empty hole which can’t possibly be filled is exactly what I’m worried about. However, he says his wife was ill for a number of years and he was mentally already moving on before the sad fact. That’s his reasoning, how true that can be I don’t know.

I do not yet know why his previous relationships ended, but I do plan on asking. I think only one of them (that he was with for a year), met his children.

yes it’s intense, and I’m concerned about that too, intense from a connection point of view, we talk a lot and have a lot in common. But I have told him, I am absolutely not sleeping with him or going all in until we’re both sure we want to move forward, so I am trying to keep some slower pace.

I hope that answers everyone’s questions. The shortish relationships definitely concern me and maybe I need more context around what happened.

When you lose your spouse you realise how short life is.
I do not think there is a timeline on when is acceptable, nor a red flag that he has had relationships that haven't worked out.

I've read that those with happy marriages are faster to get into relationships, I'm sure this has no facts behind it, but of my friends it seems to be true.

OP, definitely find out why the relationships ended, and the age of his children is important too. I knew a widower who lost his wife when his children were young and he confessed that when he started dating he was also looking for a mother for his children.

I forgot that, his children are 13 and 11. I’m not sure, he has a live in nanny, they always did apparently.

Some people move on quickly if their partner was ill/ dying for some years before they died . Grief can start when the reality of the situation sets in, and when the person dies their partner has been through most of the stages of grief and loneliness and ready to move on.

The short relationships would be more 'reassuring' to me than if he had jumped into a serious long-term thing soon after his wife died. I'd see that as being less about the person he was dating and more about him trying to fill that void and not grieving properly.

Thank you, that makes some good sense. I guess I don’t know who ended them yet, but I understand that perspective.

In my own experience, anything that has begun with great intensity hasn't lasted. You're both just learning about each other now - you most likely don't know enough to fall for each other. Take it day by day and enjoy it 😊

Personally I think he needs to concentrate on his DC who have lost their mum very young age and been through a lot of trauma rather than chasing a succession of women in a short timeframe.

You say it's only been a few dates so just try to temper your expectations. I'm sure more will be revealed in time and you can ask. A friend of mine married a widower recently and it is roughly 4 years since his wife died. Some people are happy to live alone and others are not. I don't think it's right to judge anyone for their own timeline. I understand you want to protect yourself in this but there are no guarantees.

Can you give some examples of how he's an amazing father?

Honestly not being a dick here.

I'm just interested in how you know this?

Mind you, if his wife only died 2.5 years ago.

He's already had a one year relationship and you'll be his 5th girlfriend?

I get that many people grieve before the actual death, but with this track record, I'd be worried he is actually looking to replace the irreplaceable.

Everyone is different. When my DH first died I went onto a dating site, as I felt slightly desperate, as if a single life was so far outside my experience that I did not know how to face it. But I read lots of profiles and began to realise that I was not wanting a man, but wanting a particular man who was now dead. I also began to adapt to a life on my own - it is not what I would have chosen, but I have found a way to live it.

I do not think that your new friend's short relationships need be a red flag - he is clear what he wants, and if these relationships were not meeting those wants, then there was no point in prolonging them - better to be honest and move on. But it does to some extent depend on what his reasons for ending the relationships were and what his wants are. You do need to talk with him about these things - you cannot get in deeper without having more information.

You are taking things slowly - this is wise. You need time to understand his motives better - you do not want to make a mistake here, for your sake, for his, and for the three children involved.

Absolutely this.

The intense dates are a red flag too. The kids should be the focus, and rushing into intense dating is a poor choice.

This

Agree with others who say intense early on is a bad sign in my experience. It's really strange then when you meet someone and it's not intense but you really like each other - it feels easy and you can relax, but the lack of intensity makes you worry you're doing something wrong!

I'd be seeing too many red flags here. It should be fun and easy at this stage. I think a few dates in is also quite soon to know the ins and outs about someone.

So let me answer a few questions for those that ask. I suppose I should say he seems like a good father (I don’t know that yet), he does a lot with them and always comments how he needs to be their rock, they love their music, so he converted his garage to a “studio” for them and takes them to lots of music camps etc, just examples.

the intensity is strange, I don’t know everyone’s interpretation of it, I guess this is just mine. We haven’t had sex and I don’t plan to yet. we’ve been on 4 dates in the space of 3 weeks, so not too much, I’m sure if schedules would have allowed he’d have liked more. But we talk on the phone and message a lot more than I am used to. We acknowledge it’s only been a few dates but already feel we don’t want to see others. Those things.