Im dating a man who lost his wife and I’m wondering if it’s too soon?

[Littleloss]

Hi, I’m dating a wonderful man, and amazing father (1 girl, 1 boy). He lost his wife 2.5 years ago and since he has had 4 relatively short relationships, he admits he’s lonely on his own and is looking for a long term partner. I suppose my concern is that I don’t want to be another girl in a string of short relationships for him, I’m looking for my life partner to be there for me and my son. It’s quite intense, we’ve been out on only a few dates, but we both seem to be falling quite hard. I suppose I’m asking are multiple short term relationships a red flag in this situation? It may be normal (widower or not), but I’ve never been someone who’s had short relationships. Thanks all ☺️

I suppose you need to start asking why they have only been short relationships and try to work out what he's learnt from them in terms of his own readiness? No harm either in saying you feel a little daunted by it and want to be sure he's in the right place to move on with his life.

I suppose I should say he seems like a good father

Yes you should, because nothing you'e described there fits the accolade 'amazing'.

He's just parenting his children who are grieving the death of their mother.

I think that, if the children have lost their mum, that is a hugely complicating factor, because, even if he is ready for a new relationship, they may well not be ready for him to have one

Yes, the children is also another concern for me, not for myself, but how they would feel. I wouldn’t meet them for quite some time, even if he wanted me to.

Run a fucking mile. He will always have her in his head and her family will be involved in the kids lives and his lives forever. You will always be an imposter. Second fiddle etc.
Ask me how I know, I lived it for a few years. Lucky you arent in very deep so go find another man without this massive hangover.

He should focus on his kids not blending families and going on dates.
You should try not to blend with widowers with children. It's too much baggage for your child. This guy is lovebombing you..he doesnt sound amazing he just sounds rich.

Honestly, I don’t know. I think 4 relationships in 2.5 years isn’t too bad. It’s just dating isn’t it? I had a period of being single for about 4 years between long term relationships and I dated at a similar rate. I wouldn’t say there was anything concerning about it. Eventually I met DH and we’ve been together for 15 years.

Everybody is hanging on to the significance of his dead wife but she may not actually be anything to do with his pattern of dating.

Also, I’m fairly sure it’s quite common for men to find another wife relatively quickly after being widowed. I don’t know why but they seem to move faster than widows in that respect.

OP, you sound like you’re being sensible. Just go slow and trust your instincts.

Someone on his 5th relationship in 2 years would be a no for me. Add in that he has been widowed and I would run away fast.

Yes @BananaSpanner you are right men move on within a couple of months. It shows their mentality. Heartless bastards.

OP all the deceaseds family still on the scene?

Yes he still sees her family, because obviously the kids need that. I take the point about second fiddle and all that, but I don’t know, everyone deserves happiness even if they lost it once

So your experience can be extrapolated to show that all widowed men are a bomb site and should be steered clear of? I think you might be projecting a little there.

There are plenty of both widows and widowers who have very successful relationships - even some with children from their prior marriages !

Taking from experience, I would run. It's not just about the issue of recent dates, it's more about the impact of the trauma, not just on him but his children. I had an amazing connection with someone who lost their wife, I thought he was the one, but alas it wasn't to be. I'm pretty sure his guilt played a massive part in how toxic our relationship ended up being. He was very protective of his children, which was detrimental to him forming a bond with my children. The resentment which built in me was hard to keep a lid on on the end. especially as I had given so much to him and his children.

Things I said or did were triggers for him too - if I said or did something his late wife had done in the past, it was a trigger for him. I could feel that energy and it would send us in to a downward spiral. I was never truly able to tell him how I really felt.

Not to put a dampener on it op, I’d never get involved with a widower ever again. I stupidly gave the man 3 chances over 3 years, every time it was he wasn’t over hannah it was like I was in a relationship with him and Hannah. I’m sure not every widower is like that, I’ll never put myself in that position again. Hannah had passed away 6 years previously when I meet him.

But it seems like here some people are saying never date a widower, surely that can’t be and it’s individual circumstances. I’m not sure why I’m defending it 😂🙈. I appreciate all the advice! And no I will never compete with a ghost and I would never win. But I’m also not trying to.

It's hard work. Blending families is hard enough without the added pressure of his situation. Saying that though, even if someone advised me not to do it, I wouldn't have listened. I was besotted with him.

Thank you, that is helpful, I can understand that. Again I suppose it depends on the particular person as to how much those things play a part, and I don’t know yet what he would be like. I guess that’s useful to understand so I can see if that looks like a problem. A heads up of things to notice is always appreciated

The flip side is that he is single through no fault of his own.

But he does need to have worked with his grief.

How soon after his late wife’s death did he embark on the one year relationship? That one in particular is ringing alarm bells to me as it means he’s had three other relationships (plus you) in the space of 1.5 years. That’s being generous and assuming that he didn’t waste anytime after his wife died before getting involved again.

His children are arguably at the most vulnerable ages to be in the situation they’re in. If he was an amazing father he would be focussing solely on them and putting romantic relationships to one side for now.

2.5 years is fine

Are you saying that if someone has the misfortune to lose their spouse they are out of the running for ever finding happiness with someone else? Sounds a bit harsh to me!

It is a situation that carries some problems with it, but the OP seems to be aware of these and is taking her time and thinking of all the aspects. The idea that the new spouse in this situation might be regarded as an "imposter" is a ridiculous generalization. You may have had a bad experience, but that does not mean that everyone has or will.

I believe the 1 year relationship was most of this past year, ended a few months ago, but I do want to understand what went wrong there. I believe he started dating very quickly, his justification being she was ill for years and so he was already accepting the inevitable.

i do think you are right about the children part. If I continue with this, I don’t really care what he did with his other girlfriends, I will not be integrating into their life for quite some time until I know it’s long term, for their sakes

What a nasty comment.