Who's in the right here?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Backstory for context.

6 years ago I got a stomach virus which gifted me with a bad case of IBS. I haven't been right since and 2 years ago I developed acute pancreatitis and had abdominal surgery making my IBS 10x worse. In heinzseight I should have gotten therapy as the entire experience was petrifying and everytime my stomach flares I get a severe amount of anxiety and in bad cases some very bad thoughts.

I am 31 years old and never went abroad until last year (I live in England and went to Greece). I went with my boyfriend who I've been with for almost 2 years. This guy has been loving, empathetic, understanding not only about my illness but about my anxiety over it, never ignorant nor patronising nor ANYTHINg remotely close to dismissive. He is an absolute gem and I don't deserve him..

However.
The ONE thing this guy loves is his yearly holiday. He works hard all year and was taken abroad since he was a baby, I respect this love he has as he is an adventurous soul like myself except since I got the chronic stomach issues I have to lay low. Even a city break triggers my issues. I was never taken abroad by my family.

Me and my boyfriend went to Greece last year and, not too surprisingly, I had the WORST flare of my life. Everything I ate went through me resulting in severe dehydration, malnutrition, starvation, humiliation and more importantly SEVERE anxiety. I lived off water and pretzels and wanted to come home everyday. We had some good times but it was one of the most anxiety inducing weeks of my life. I told him one night that I can't live like that anymore. It was a dark moment but I pulled through until the end of the holiday..

My boyfriend is extremely stubborn when he's passionate about something and as much as this is an admirable trait, he won't back down when it's something he's adamant about. This years holiday wasn't compromised whatsoever as we were both in different cities at the time he booked it and, much to my annoyance he is extremely close with his mum who, despite being lovely , dominates alot of his decisions (he lives with his parents). Whilst I begged him to book something a little closer and not so far, he and his mum were reassuring me stating "you'll be fine, stop worrying..it'll be lovely!". In respect I had to agree, agreeing that if I wanted to do america one day (my dream) I should get used to short haul first. This was a good point and logical point...

My stomach has been AMAZING for the first time since the surgery 2 years ago and I'm able to live my life again as things have settled. If I go abroad again I am PETRIFIED of messing things up and starting at square 1. I also don't want to go to THAT mental mindset again.

The reason I've had cold feet about the holiday 2 weeks prior is due to a virus I got last weekend - it unfortunately hit my stomach causing me to flare and my mental health has been rocky for days. It brought me back to Greece and the dread of being very unwell. I wanted to point out that meds weren't affective for me unless I took enough to make myself drowsy.

Please, offer your insight and sincerity, I'm ready for it haha. I know I'm a walking red flag here but I can't help but feel my impending withdrawal from the holiday is somewhat valid.

Thanks

I'm still trying to work out my triggers. I know I can't eat any kind of pulse (especially kidney beans which are evil), and whole grain. Bread in general can be tricky but whole grain is a no no. But like you I can be fine for a while and then suddenly get a flare up.

OP, it can be hard to accept buy ye are not compatible.
He wants to travel widely and eat away too. Completely normal of him.
But your health needs to come first and he is simply not on the same page as you and will never be.
Very hard yo hear, but it is your reality.
You need.yo prioritise your health with our the stress of feeling guilty about it.

I think for both your sakes you should split up. He obviously hates the fact his life is restricted and you can't do anything to expand your life. It's nobody's fault.

Is it possible to shift your mindset? You've said that you have relapses here for no apparent reason. Therefore could have what happened abroad happened anywhere, and it was just extreme bad luck you were abroad?

Rice can be risky abroad unless cooked yourself, it's one of the worst for food poisoning.

I'd go, tenerife has supermarkets and 'normal' food, so eat that and focus on feeling safer.

You won't overcome the anxiety by never going anywhere.

Neither of you are wrong because both positions are valid. You’re incompatible because the sacrifice either of you would have to make to prevent resentments is too big for a successful relationship.