Who's in the right here?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Backstory for context.

6 years ago I got a stomach virus which gifted me with a bad case of IBS. I haven't been right since and 2 years ago I developed acute pancreatitis and had abdominal surgery making my IBS 10x worse. In heinzseight I should have gotten therapy as the entire experience was petrifying and everytime my stomach flares I get a severe amount of anxiety and in bad cases some very bad thoughts.

I am 31 years old and never went abroad until last year (I live in England and went to Greece). I went with my boyfriend who I've been with for almost 2 years. This guy has been loving, empathetic, understanding not only about my illness but about my anxiety over it, never ignorant nor patronising nor ANYTHINg remotely close to dismissive. He is an absolute gem and I don't deserve him..

However.
The ONE thing this guy loves is his yearly holiday. He works hard all year and was taken abroad since he was a baby, I respect this love he has as he is an adventurous soul like myself except since I got the chronic stomach issues I have to lay low. Even a city break triggers my issues. I was never taken abroad by my family.

Me and my boyfriend went to Greece last year and, not too surprisingly, I had the WORST flare of my life. Everything I ate went through me resulting in severe dehydration, malnutrition, starvation, humiliation and more importantly SEVERE anxiety. I lived off water and pretzels and wanted to come home everyday. We had some good times but it was one of the most anxiety inducing weeks of my life. I told him one night that I can't live like that anymore. It was a dark moment but I pulled through until the end of the holiday..

My boyfriend is extremely stubborn when he's passionate about something and as much as this is an admirable trait, he won't back down when it's something he's adamant about. This years holiday wasn't compromised whatsoever as we were both in different cities at the time he booked it and, much to my annoyance he is extremely close with his mum who, despite being lovely , dominates alot of his decisions (he lives with his parents). Whilst I begged him to book something a little closer and not so far, he and his mum were reassuring me stating "you'll be fine, stop worrying..it'll be lovely!". In respect I had to agree, agreeing that if I wanted to do america one day (my dream) I should get used to short haul first. This was a good point and logical point...

My stomach has been AMAZING for the first time since the surgery 2 years ago and I'm able to live my life again as things have settled. If I go abroad again I am PETRIFIED of messing things up and starting at square 1. I also don't want to go to THAT mental mindset again.

The reason I've had cold feet about the holiday 2 weeks prior is due to a virus I got last weekend - it unfortunately hit my stomach causing me to flare and my mental health has been rocky for days. It brought me back to Greece and the dread of being very unwell. I wanted to point out that meds weren't affective for me unless I took enough to make myself drowsy.

Please, offer your insight and sincerity, I'm ready for it haha. I know I'm a walking red flag here but I can't help but feel my impending withdrawal from the holiday is somewhat valid.

Thanks

That's what I said haha!! I needed a good ten day holiday after last years holiday!

Loving your work OP 👌

You need to figure out what your dosage is. I take 4 to have a normal day out of the house. Eat, go and have a clear out and then imodium an hour before going out. Then I don't need to go again until the next day. Days mostly in the house I take a break from them. Instants work quicker.

It's taken years to get down to 4. It used to be full boxes.

Or take 2 every night without fail. I don't do that because I like to have a day off the things.

There will be a dosage that will stop the anxiety of not being near a toilet. That's half the battle

I'm on the fence too. You sound like a lot of your issues are anxiety driven rather than driven by your physical needs. Leaving the cinema for example, they have toilets there.

Therefore having a successful trip abroad will help conquer the anxiety.

You could agree a plan regarding buying food you can eat from a supermarket so there's no pressure to eat out?

Unsure if this is out of spite etc haha but I can't stop laughing haha

About your wish to go to America, that's for you to consider and plan for based on your own needs. Clearly he has just booked whatever holiday he fancied without reference to your needs, and is now retrospectively trying to justify it any which way. The way to work up to a big challenge (going to America) is not to have someone throw you a curveball which they and their mum then guilt-trip you about until you relent. Don't let him claim that he's doing you a favour here!

So was your crying for hours wanting to get him to do what you want? The 'reminding him of my dark hours' sounds so controlling and self centered. Also a bit scary...

About your wish to go to America, that's for you to consider and plan for based on your own needs. Clearly he has just booked whatever holiday he fancied without reference to your needs, and is now retrospectively trying to justify it any which way @TulipsAndForgetmenots so op considering and planning for her needs is OK, the bf considering and planning for his needs is eeeevil?

how did you arrive at this conclusion ?
His needs? he’s trying to force her to travel when she’s not well enough and doesn’t want to
Op is not stopping him from doing what he wants

Grow up with your "eeevil". Then read what I have actually said in my posts. I am advising the OP to take responsibility for herself and not be always reacting to the plans that others make. I'm not going to respond to any more posts that twist my words so ludicrously.

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays sorry I forgot its mn..
'Oh he's male, whatever he's done is wrong, what a dick, LTB, you should do what you want when you want, you're always right, but stay with him and keep complaining' ??

I’m thinking this kind hearted fella is getting a kicking. He deserves to have his needs Met too and I have a feeling he really really needs a break…probably longer than a week in Tenerife……

If you had tried everything, i’d think he was being a dick. But you’re imposing massive restrictions on your joint life together and you won’t take medication because you don’t like the idea of it? I don’t think that’s good enough tbh and i’m not surprised he’s losing his patience.

Find a maintenance dose of immodium or whatever. And trial some anti anxiety meds. Then live a full and happy life together.

I just don’t think you’re compatible. Travel and holidays are really important to some people, and it’s not clear at all that you’ve worked really hard on being able to - you don’t want to take meds, you don’t mention trying mini breaks. I told my now Dh when we were very young that I wanted kids and to move overseas at some point and these were dealbreakers. I feel like being able to take holidays is a relationship dealbreaker for your bf. I would be very unhappy at the idea of never travelling again with my partner.

Sorry @gingerandpeppermint I have only read all ofyour OP!
I also suffer from IBZ.

When you have been abroad did you only drink bottled drinks - including water?
If so, did you also make sure that none of your drinks - if decanted into glasses - had ice added to them? Also, only drink soft bottled drinks from a well known brand. Oh, and also brush your teeth with bottled water too!

When out in restaurants, cafes etc , never have any salad, or fruit that you don't peel yourself. If self catering only wash any cold food with a well known brand of bottled water. Unfortunately, I also think that having ice-cream while abroad in a hot country is not a good idea.

This list obviously isn't exhaustive, but you can find better advice online, so please look it up.

Although it might not seem like it, that still leaves lots of good food and meal choices! If you do decide to give it one more go, I hope you have a great time!

On the same token I don't want to mess up my finally-good tummy.

Having suffered from stomach issues myself I would say that nothing is worth risking messing up your finally-good tummy. That's priceless and life changing. For me no man is worth risking that for.

You have to accept that you may not be compatible. He wants someone who will go on holiday. You do not want to go. No one is right or wrong here. You need to make your decisions based on this.

However, your IBS might not be a lifelong thing. I wondered if you had tried the FODMAP diet? I would push for more help from your doctor. Sounds as though you are getting it under control and that is the route to potential recovery, I would keep on this track. That means not going on holiday right now, it may mean the end of your relationship.

I encourage you to try read with understanding before responding, you are twisting my words

Oh love it sounds absolutely awful 😖😩

I get awful IBS flare-ups occasionally and it is so anxiety inducing. Boots used to do a fabulous IBS relief tablet but they discontinued it 😔

Take buscopan before you even have a flare up. Drink plenty of bottled water to stop being de-hydrated in the heat, eat only safe foods for you. Don't eat any salad as its likely washed with their water, stay clear of seafood, and stay away from too much spice, brush your teeth with bottled water and be careful of the ice over there. Make sure you know where the available toilets are.

I do wonder if it might be worth seeing how your gut health is? my dad had a really awful time about a year ago where he would frequently need to be constantly near a toilet and had a few accidents but it was because he'd taken some strong anti-biotics and they basically stripped all the good bacteria out of his stomach and that's when the issues started. Ask your Dr to do a gut microbiome test xx

Good morning all. Some EXTREMELY interesting responses and shockingly not what I had expected, I thought I'd get hate for my (obviously) badly managed anxiety.

However. TMI warning...I don't think I specified the fact that every single bit of food and drink went through me every 2 hours for 7 days straight - I'm not trying to win the argument but I can't see how ANYONE would want to even risk going through that again. Also to the helpful people also with IBS - I touched nothing but bottled water, pasta and rice the entire trip. I didn't have a bug or anything as i was STARVING so it was as if something kickstarted my guts, again, I'm still aware my anxiety is a key factor in this but I have never made us cancel our trips to places like Amsterdam nor London, Ireland etc.

I don't want to lose him and feel this is a deal breaker for us (which in itself screams red flags, I get it) however I do want him to know that I'm doing my bit too so I'm going to have a chat with the doctor this morning about EVERYTHING - if I could maybe be given strong ibs meds or temporary anxiety meds.

To the person who wrote 'no man is worth risking a finally-good stomach' - you really get it. Thank you x

Edit - I'm aware all of you are thinking "umm?? So are you going or not??". I have a day off from work today and feel like I need to assess the pros and cons. Quite frankly I'm more concerned about what me and my boyfriend have learned about each other in this..perhaps its had to happen for us to be given our first proper argument.

You’d probably benefit from some therapy to help with your anxiety around this issue. I can truly sympathise as the terror of accidents is so debilitating. I had to do a long haul flight. I wore incontinence pants, didn’t eat for days before or during the flight & dosed up on preventative Imodium. My anxiety was so debilitating. Have you ever been investigated for Bile Acid Malabsorption? Sounds unlikely if you have periods of relative digestive calm, but it can flare horribly.
I do think it’s so difficult for others to comprehend just how awful it is to be in your situation.
Oh and make sure you always have dioralyte sachets with you, wherever you are. I lived off that and lucozade at one point as at least your electrolyte balance should be maintained.

Thank you for the compassionate response. How did you get on with that long flight and travel experience?
I had my gallbladder out in 2022 and did suffer So much worse last year so they tested BAM and got a negative result. This year has been pretty groundbreaking as I'm able to eat again but when I flared like on the weekend it was dreadful. I feel so hopeless as you know yourself...

I've sent in a consultation form for a conversation with the doc, I figured at least I'm looking at options so it's fair on my boyfriend

It may be worth asking if you could trial a bile acid sequestrant? I’m 12 years down the line from initial onset of issues and am ok 95% of the time. For me it was likely due to fairly excessive treatment with very high dose oral steroids for a neurological issue, along with the other drugs I had to take.

Have you tried diet revisions? I eat low fat minimally processed gluten free. Could be coincidental but it seems to work for me, so I stick to it. Also had microbiome tests & parasitology done through nutritionist as had cryptosporidium about 8 years ago too. I was desperate to tried everything.
I managed long haul but it was very stressful. I was lucky to be staying with close family at the other end and they were very tolerant of my anxiety around going places/eating out, despite having no experience themselves of being in the situation. I used to ask people if they had experienced food poisoning before. If yes, imagine attempting to live like that all of the time. It is physically exhausting as you end up malnourished and mentally challenging.
I’m sorry your boyfriend struggles to fully appreciate the effect on you. I gave up on relationships for a long time as I coped better being by myself and not feeling either resentful of lack of understanding, or guilty that I was restricting someone else’s plans.

Thanks again for taking time to respond so diligently to my scenario. 8 years is an extremely long time to get adjusted and formatted with your digestion, i feel for you. I wasn't given any direction after the gallbladder removal but in all fairness I was able to eat 60% of foods I used to be able to tolerate, at least just about. What's annoying is I have been eating WHATEVER I want for WEEKS. almost months on end, I follow a low fat diet when it comes to lunch and dinner I.e ill eat a ton of fish, chicken, broccoli, peppers and corn and rice/pasta. However I also eat the odd nandos, McDonald's and a ton of chocolate with zero aches, pains or ibs symptoms. Then something causes a flare like the virus I had this weekend and I'm at square 1 again. I think that's common for ibs though ..

Your comment about the food poisoning is EXACTLY what I said to my boyfriend as he had it 2 months after we dated, he couldn't leave bed for days. Granted, he wasn't anxious but he described it as "dying". I continously remind him that I have a frequent mild version of that for up to 10 days after a flare and he tries SO hard to listen but I can see he's not able to tolerate it anymore