Who's in the right here?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Backstory for context.

6 years ago I got a stomach virus which gifted me with a bad case of IBS. I haven't been right since and 2 years ago I developed acute pancreatitis and had abdominal surgery making my IBS 10x worse. In heinzseight I should have gotten therapy as the entire experience was petrifying and everytime my stomach flares I get a severe amount of anxiety and in bad cases some very bad thoughts.

I am 31 years old and never went abroad until last year (I live in England and went to Greece). I went with my boyfriend who I've been with for almost 2 years. This guy has been loving, empathetic, understanding not only about my illness but about my anxiety over it, never ignorant nor patronising nor ANYTHINg remotely close to dismissive. He is an absolute gem and I don't deserve him..

However.
The ONE thing this guy loves is his yearly holiday. He works hard all year and was taken abroad since he was a baby, I respect this love he has as he is an adventurous soul like myself except since I got the chronic stomach issues I have to lay low. Even a city break triggers my issues. I was never taken abroad by my family.

Me and my boyfriend went to Greece last year and, not too surprisingly, I had the WORST flare of my life. Everything I ate went through me resulting in severe dehydration, malnutrition, starvation, humiliation and more importantly SEVERE anxiety. I lived off water and pretzels and wanted to come home everyday. We had some good times but it was one of the most anxiety inducing weeks of my life. I told him one night that I can't live like that anymore. It was a dark moment but I pulled through until the end of the holiday..

My boyfriend is extremely stubborn when he's passionate about something and as much as this is an admirable trait, he won't back down when it's something he's adamant about. This years holiday wasn't compromised whatsoever as we were both in different cities at the time he booked it and, much to my annoyance he is extremely close with his mum who, despite being lovely , dominates alot of his decisions (he lives with his parents). Whilst I begged him to book something a little closer and not so far, he and his mum were reassuring me stating "you'll be fine, stop worrying..it'll be lovely!". In respect I had to agree, agreeing that if I wanted to do america one day (my dream) I should get used to short haul first. This was a good point and logical point...

My stomach has been AMAZING for the first time since the surgery 2 years ago and I'm able to live my life again as things have settled. If I go abroad again I am PETRIFIED of messing things up and starting at square 1. I also don't want to go to THAT mental mindset again.

The reason I've had cold feet about the holiday 2 weeks prior is due to a virus I got last weekend - it unfortunately hit my stomach causing me to flare and my mental health has been rocky for days. It brought me back to Greece and the dread of being very unwell. I wanted to point out that meds weren't affective for me unless I took enough to make myself drowsy.

Please, offer your insight and sincerity, I'm ready for it haha. I know I'm a walking red flag here but I can't help but feel my impending withdrawal from the holiday is somewhat valid.

Thanks

To be honest it sounds more like anxiety causing this than anything else. Are you on anxiety meds? Tenerife isn’t that exotic; if the worst comes to the worst can you stick to bottled water and chips??

I appreciate this so much. Thank you. I guess apart of me feels boring and cowardly but I know above all that's a gaslighting result of what he's said in the past, he has never called me those things but said last week "by the way when we have kids, we are NOT doing a caravan or UK holiday, we're taking them far just like my parents did" 😒

Thank you so much. I also feel like I'd NEVER EVER put him in this position, thanks for validating this

I think you should skip this holiday and start therapy
then hopefully you will be able to travel in the future,
you could try going if you can bring “safe”
food with you and medication, I second buspopan for spasms and cramps but like other said IBS is massively affected by anxiety

and not to slag your BF off but this is massive red flag, he should respect your boundaries especially when it’s around such a sensitive medical issue!!!

Honestly I only discovered buscopan a couple of weeks ago - it helps. Also sports drinks are really helpful for dehydration.

Thank you for not making me feel like this is all in my head. This sounds dreadful, I'm so so sorry.. the sight thing is dreadful. How scary, are you gonna go abroad again? I think some people live by "life doesn't stop" but my brain can't let me risk something like that

I want to say "you'll be fine!" But I'm sick of hearing that from people to be honest cos we never are, are we? How long are you there for?

He doesn't sound empathetic or understanding at all. It sounds like he pays lip service when it suits him, but basically doesn't get it, or listen to you. All you can do is form and state your own boundaries, based upon medical advice. If your doctor has fobbed you off in the past, try again. This all boils down to being assertive and advocating for yourself. At the moment, it sounds like you feel at the mercy of other people, and make decisions based on how you think others will feel. You need to go out into the world calmly setting out your own stall, not just reacting to what's asked of you, else you'll always feel on the back foot and end up in awkward situations like this. And if you still think this is an empathetic boyfriend who you don't deserve, you need to expect better!

@gingerandpeppermint I’ve suffered with severe back problems for years and being away from home when it flares up is the worst thing.
Dh would never force me to travel if I didn’t want to.

You need to put yourself first this time, if only to see if your bf really does care enough.
If he’s even gently bullying you ( and already making threats about future holidays with dc) then I think you have to seriously reconsider this relationship.

I appreciate this. The reason I didn't withdraw immediately is because ultimately I do feel this will be an ultimatum for him, pretty crap but I can understand his disappointment and love him so much. We did have some gorgeous moments in Greece but the dark memories are outlined, obviously. These posts are helping me feel less selfish and validated

I'm so sorry OP, he sounds awful. The latest update was very cruel. What kind of husband would he be if he doesn't allow you to put your HEALTH first?! I wouldn't have kids with him with that kind of threat.

I would absolutely back out, he shouldn't have rail roaded you into this in the first place.

Oh 1000%. I've not even had my pre-plane anxiety era yet but I think I definitely learned to tackle that last year so arguably I've grown in my anxiety Cos of him..safe food and meds are my plan, I just can't stop thinking of catching something whilst out there or becoming dehydrated in the 35degree heat. I respect your advice to start therapy

Yeah, I thought so too. I'm shocked as he is selfless constantly, so understanding and so easygoing but maybe I've been missing something. It's pretty heartbreaking. I am trying to see it from his telescope but it does appear that this is all very one sided, I offered to go 2 hours away incase I did get a bad case of dehydration and have to come home

I also suffer from IBS-type symptoms and am in the middle of a bad flare up. The last place I'd want to be right now is in some hot holiday resort overseas. Your boyfriend really doesn't sound very empathetic if he gets angry and dogmatic about holidays, knowing what a rotten time you had last year. As several PPs have already said, why he can't he just go with his friends or his family and let you stay at home? I don't like the sound of his determination that if you had kids together you'd be obliged to travel overseas. Better not to plan a family with him, methinks. Perhaps even better to get out now before this becomes the dominant issue in your relationship? Are you being bullied? It sounds rather like it.

Oh sweetheart. I completely empathise with how terrifying that must be - and yes, anxiety makes the condition worse, but that isn't going to stop you feeling anxious!
I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he doesn't know how severe your fear is here. Sit him down, talk him through it. If he still insists after that, I'm afraid with less than 2 years invested I'd be calling it a day.
Hopefully he'll understand and will do the holiday without you (like my husband does with cycling holidays.....I don't have anxiety about them I'm just bloody lazy).
And then when it all blows over, can we talk about heinzseight 😂😂😂

This was very lovely to read and what I needed to hear. What's awful Is that I feel like I'm the selfish one when I begged him to at least take us to somewhere like France or even Spain but he won under the guise of "what about when you want to go to America?". He's actually right though, I'll never get used to long haul if I don't do short.

I am trying to be assertive but forever second guessing my actions after a Christian childhood forever justifying every action (deep stuff haha) . I obviously need therapy

Thank you for your concise advice x

Have your own holiday at the beach closer to home. Holidays are meant to be nice and an enjoyable experience and you don’t get them often

OP, this is NOT a good man.
He is a nasty angry bully when he doesn't get his own way.
He is not sympathetic at all.
You have more than enough to deal with, you do not want to be saddled with a nasty man who belittles you because of your ill health.
He sounds potentially abusive.
In my opinion this issue has caused his mask to slip, badly.
I think he sounds a bit terrifying.
No fxxking way would I be inflicting him on any child.
Please get away from him.

I appreciate your empathy. My weekend flare up consisted of leaving a cinema ten mins from my apartment- for the first time he seemed pissed off that I needed to go home. He may finally have had enough of my panic responses (which I do need to work on). I too dread the dominant nature of what our future looks like. I don't think its bullying but I do believe I've been gaslit terribly

Am a bit on the fence. Maybe this is his hill and he doesn't want to have to constantly be selfless, so when you have kids, sticking to your rules of no meals out, no trying anything new, no holidays abroad?

I too dread the dominant nature of what our future looks like. I don't think its bullying but I do believe I've been gaslit terribly
but from what you've said, youre the dominant one? Everything is within your rules and wants/needs? Your stating any dc will never go on holiday abroad is just as authoritative as his saying they will.

Google "is gaslighting abusive?" OP and you will read it is.
It causes people to be confused and doubt their perception of things, to feel constantlyin the wrong.
This is a toxic abusive dynamic.
Why would you stay with someone who makes you feel this way?
You deserve better.

I will admit - he heard me out and has done during all of my panics. But I was crying for hours last night with not one suggestion or option of me not going. I reminded him of my dark thoughts and it just didn't seem to make him considerate enough. I agree, it's not looking good just 19 months in. It's gonna have to be real talk now. Thank you for your kind words xx

Well that's why I never disputed it nor refused doing those things..

Completely open to this as he is very easygoing in general. I never said we couldn't go abroad, just whilst I'm recovering