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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The birth of our child has destroyed our relationship

59 replies

KarenGreen · 07/04/2008 18:36

and my question is how long do you stay together when this happens?

Our son is 6 months nearly and there is little love left. We care deeply about each other but can't really imagine things ever being like they were - by which I mean a romantic, loving, physical relationship.

We are living like friends who give pecks on the cheek.

Everyone said, oh it's normal after having a baby, it'll get better - but it isn't.

There isn't that much heartache - more a deep sadness - so I can't help wondering when we should just call it a day.

I post under another name, DP knows it, hence changing, but it's possible he's looked at my reg details and knows this too, and there's not much I can do about that.

OP posts:

BrownSuga · 07/04/2008 18:38

It is just starting to get a bit better for us, and DS is 10mths, so hang in there, I've heard the first year is very unsettling. Hopefully someone wiser will be along shortly.

Miggsie · 07/04/2008 18:38

How terrible for you.
Our DD arriving certainly changed our relationship, I was very baby focussed and DH felt very left out and awkward (he told me this 3 years on, not at the time).
You need to talk about it, you will have had a major shift of life focus and DH may not know how to react.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2008 18:42

It's only been 6 months.

You need to give it more time and see a counsellor.

Things won't be like they were. Because they aren't.

But then again, it's only been 6 months.

Start with your GP to rule out post-natal depression, low thyroid or some other medical cause for this sense of hopelessness you are feeling, and then see a counsellor.

shymum · 07/04/2008 18:43

It's very early days yet. You are often like walking zombies barely functioning for sometimes up to 12 months - actually my youngest is 2.5 and i still don't feel 100%, but every day they are getting older i feel better and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What matters is that you "care deeply about each other". Keep remembering that and you will get the good times back.

fairylights · 07/04/2008 18:44

karen - sorry to hear this, how were things between you before your LO arrived?
In all honsesty I can't remember how long it lasted but i do remember feeling as if my DH and i were suddenly really quite like strangers after our ds was born. It definitely took time for us to find our new identity as a family, and for us to re-establish a close physical relationship, honestly i don't think 6 mo is so long.. But you sound very despairing - are you depressed yourself? Sure some wiser birds will be along soon to offer some wisdom x

CountessDracula · 07/04/2008 18:47

Things won't be the same it is true
but they can be as good or better but in a different way
I think 6 months is not very long to make this judgement though - having a baby turns your whole life upside down and you have to re-evaluate the dynamic of your relationship and adjust to being parents as well as everyting else

Hang in there and if you feel it woul dhelp go to relate it will help you see the wood for the trees

handbagqueen · 07/04/2008 18:47

Have you had a blood test recently - as being pregnant and giving birth can affect your thyroid - an effect of an underactive thyroid is loss of libido. Its worth getting it checked out as it can be a medical condition which is really easily treated. Once its sorted out you feel like a new woman.

newgirl · 07/04/2008 18:49

You seriously must give yourselves some time - it is such early days. there is a fab book out there - babyshock - and it goes some way to explain what is going on. One phrase that stuck with me was 'when a baby is born your marriage is over - if you are lucky you get an even better one back - but you have to make it happen'.

I think practical things can help - here are just a few from me though im not an expert by any means:

talk to a counsellor
read books about it by relate
get a regular babysitter and go out every week and do something fun not just sitting in a restaurant - eg tennis/comedy night/see a band
Get out every week on your own too - with girlfriends/gym or whatever - you both need to reclaim your own identities as well
eat really well and get lots of exercise so you have energy

not easy, but a HELL of a lot easier than a divorce - good luck xx

peasoup · 07/04/2008 18:54

A 6 month bad patch isn't the end of a relationship. If, as you say, you care deeply for each other then do not throw the towel in because things have gone a bit pear shaped after the baby was born-things go pear shaped for every relationship after the arrival of a baby. They get better.

Hassled · 07/04/2008 18:58

Your DS has changed your relationship forever - and yes, six months in of course it's going to be more "like friends who give pecks on the cheek". Six months is nothing - you're still hormonal, knackered, stressed and sharing your house with a new individual.

I think where you're going wrong is expecting to just pick up the relationship from where you left off - think of it more as a new, different relationship with someone you loved enough to create a child with. It's a positive thing, not necessarily negative at all. There will be a time when you feel some of the old passion but it, for me at least, certainly wasn't six months in. Just relax, enjoy the baby, try to have some fun together and be patient (easier said than done, I know).

wilbur · 07/04/2008 19:04

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It is very tough going from 2 to 3 people living together, but please do not give up on your relationship at such an early stage in your family's life. I read somewhere that the first year after giving birth causes more break ups than anything else, so it is worth hanging on in there until at least a year has gone by before you decide that there is nothing between you any more. You say you care deeply about each other, just hold on to that, maybe see a counsellor to discuss exactly what it is that you are finding difficult about becoming a family. Do you miss work? Does your dp feel pushed out? Are you struggling financially? Have you considered that it might be PND?

Dh and I also found the early years hard - a sex drought, bad communication, lack of money, all these contributed to a v superficial relationship, but time has got us through it and I am so glad we stuck it out. The dcs are being raised equally by two parents, and dh and I are closer than ever - and that is utterly worth all the difficult times.

EmilyBronte · 07/04/2008 20:39

I feel really sad reading your message Karen, but really heartened by the responses. My marriage feels very sterile (and there are other, more serious issues - I've started my own thread on these), and I feel like we're more like friends who have children together rather than a loving team. It is hard, hard, hard, and there never seems to be any let-up. Perhaps we all need to talk to mums of older children for reassurance!

NineUnlikelyTales · 07/04/2008 20:53

Sorry you're feeling this way. I felt very similar at the same point and I know my DH did, but we did look forward to it ending....and it has. Even our sex life is loads better than before we had DS (sorry if TMI). Maybe it was the 15 month wait What improved things in all aspects of our relationships was getting enough sleep and rest, having the occasional evening out together and separately, and accepting that the low level grumbling and nagging was because we are both constantly shattered. We also make an effort to talk about things that interest us, not just DS, and to dress nicely and look after ourselves as much as we can.

Basically, if you can remember that you were attractive, interesting people before you had a baby, and then set about restoring some of that, then you are half way to rekindling the romance. And BTW it's NOT about losing baby weight but respecting yourselves.

Hope things improve soon for you

MrsTittleMouse · 07/04/2008 21:03

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. We were like zombies to be honest, for the first year. I had a lot of physical problems due to the delivery, DD didn't sleep and there was a lot of "stuff" going on in our lives. After a year, things started to settle again, and we started feeling a bit more human. I don't know if this is good news for you (it will end) or bad news (you're only half way through).
The biggest thing that we did was to hand DD over to the grandparents and have days and nights just for the two of us. It wasn't practical until DD was a bit older and would take a bottle of formula, and I was OK if she that was the end of BFing. I also had to take a breast pump on holiday with DH to avoid engorgment which was a bit grim. But time just for the two of us, and a couple of uninterupted nights sleep made a huge difference. I really hope that this is an option for you too.

gingerninja · 07/04/2008 21:12

I haven't read all the answers but I wanted to reassure you that even the best of relationships can suffer terribly in the aftermath of having a child. My DD is 19 months and I'd say after a year it started to get a bit easier, even now we have more arguments than before but I'm starting to see the wood for the trees.

The improvement in our relationship has definately coincided with her sleeping a little better, us being less sleep deprived and just relaxing a bit more about parenting.

It will get better, do hang on in there.

gingerninja · 07/04/2008 21:18

I also meant to add that I hadn't realised the impact the hormonal shift had on me and it certainly without doubt caused a lot of problems (still does). Hormones post baby are all over the place, especially if you're bf'ing. I suffer much worse PMT than I ever did pre DD. (I was always a little dismissive of hormonal 'excuses' until I had DD but now I'm convinced. They really do contribute to a lot of problems in this house.

newgirl · 08/04/2008 10:25

thats so true ginerninja - my hormones and pmt are shocking after my two daughters - once a month i feel completely suicidal, hate my husband, hate the world - and then next day, back to normal - my dh has started writing the day down so we know that i have to lie low!!

MrsMattie · 08/04/2008 10:30

It took 2 years for me and DH to get back to some semblance of normality. Our sex life is still not what it was, but we have a loving, fun, happy relationship now and are crazy enough to be having a second baby. Nobody can set a time limit and tell you 'it will get better in x amount of months'. These things happen differently for different families. I would urge you, though, not to make any rash decisions about your relationship while still in the full blown 'baby phase'. Boringly (sorry, but everyone says it, don't they?) communication is key. Keep talking to each other, don't bottle your feelings up and perhaps think about some couple's counselling?

MyHeadIsSpinning · 08/04/2008 11:50

Karen - I too am going through the same thing - DD is 4mths old. I am deeply inlove with my DH buthe is having doubts about us
which he says is not baby related although it only started when LO was born - prem and quite a traumatic delivery.

I do hope that it is just a settling in period because atm we are on the verge of splitting and I really don't want that to happen

CountessDracula · 08/04/2008 12:18

How are you today Karen?

newgirl · 08/04/2008 12:52

myhead - so sorry to hear that - i do hope he feels happier soon - does he get a break at all? a morning at the weekend to himself - we both need that - away from each other and children just to chill out a bit

Twiglett · 08/04/2008 12:55

when they say it takes time it means a year or so .. you are mad to think that in the first few months (and 6 months is very young) it will all be romantic ..

you need to give your relationship time to mature and develop (like a good wine) ..

took us 3 years

HaventSleptForAYear · 09/04/2008 12:46

Just to add my agreement with it taking a while. First year of DS1 was a roller-coaster for us and really tough even though there were some good bits in there too.

Thought we were past all that, had DS2 who was a nightmare reflux baby and we are only just getting back on track now (DS2 = 14mths).

Until a few days ago I was feeling pretty much like you, and seriously wondering if it was worth staying.

I think another child would be the end for us but I AM happy to have our lovely 2 DS and after a few nights better sleep feel more normal again.

Sleep deprivation also makes things seem so much worse than they are - promise!
Hope you're ok today.

WideWebWitch · 09/04/2008 12:50

Six months isn't long
I'd say:

It take as awhile to get used to lack of spontaneity/sleep/freedom but you do get used to it and work out strategies to deal with the hardest bits (well, I do anyway)

six months is a hard bit because you don't get much back from small babies (well I don't)

Sex, hmm, well lots of people don't much for the first while after a baby because sleep is more attractive and everything's changed, emotions, bodies, all sorts.

Don't give up. It#s early days, really.
Can you get away just the two of you for either dinner or a whole night (if it's the kidn of thing that you feel able to do, not everyone does)?

And once you're getting enough sleep, some reward in terms of your baby being older, some freedom as nappies and buggies gradually recede it ALL looks a lot different, I promise you.

This is normal but it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage, really.

WideWebWitch · 09/04/2008 12:52

Had only read Op and have now skimmed and we're all saying the same thing! Sorry for repeating everyone else.

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