The birth of our child has destroyed our relationship

[KarenGreen]

and my question is how long do you stay together when this happens?

Our son is 6 months nearly and there is little love left. We care deeply about each other but can't really imagine things ever being like they were - by which I mean a romantic, loving, physical relationship.

We are living like friends who give pecks on the cheek.

Everyone said, oh it's normal after having a baby, it'll get better - but it isn't.

There isn't that much heartache - more a deep sadness - so I can't help wondering when we should just call it a day.

I post under another name, DP knows it, hence changing, but it's possible he's looked at my reg details and knows this too, and there's not much I can do about that.

After only 6 months I'm not surprised. Agree with everyone that says you need to start again from scratch really with a different set of expectations and build something new. We're still really struggling after 17 months.

I think you owe it to your DS to try for longer than 6 months if your relationship was strong enough for you to commit to having a child together.

We'd been married 9 years when I had ds, and my dh wasn't sure about fatherhood. We are still here coming up for 22 years of marriage, and although things have changed, they will do so in any relationship anyway.

I made a point from when ds was born of buying dh an 'I love you' present every month when he wasn't away at sea. I still do so every so often now, even if it's just a curly-wurly! That made him feel wanted and not excluded. Having a baby at any stage is a shock, I was 29 and thought I knew what I was doing, and my world was turned upside down.

I bet there is love left there, surely your lo is the proof of that. Your relationship may be 'on hold' for a while until you sort out which way is up, but you will get there. He has to make space for someone else emotionally and realise that he isn't number 1 all the time now, and you have to remember that you have a husband as well as a baby.

Keep on keeping on, and it will be OK in the end. Good luck and hugs.

Finding this thread very reassuring. My DD is 6 months and DP and I are on the verge of splitting up. I've told him I won't inflict this atmosphere on DD anymore and just want to talk without us sniping at each other. Just hope it makes a difference.

Lucy, don't make any rash decisions, you won't realise until you look back how increadibly stressful the first year is and what a battering your relationship has withstood. I promise you, it will get easier but you need to both recognise that you're not your most tolerant, loving or patient at the moment. IME It's just as important that your DD sees other emotions. It's natural and she'll encounter them all her life outside the home. (Not that I'm saying it's a reason to do it in front of her) it's impossible to hide it from them. What is probably better is for them to see that you all love each other and are kind and gentle at least some if not most of the time even if that is interwoven with difficult periods.

Just to echo everyone else, it definitely gets easier! And from my personal experience, you're through the hardest bit. We reached rock bottom at about four months and now she is 2 (and DC2 due any day... EEEK) we are so much stronger than ever before. Believe me, there were times that it was utterly inconceivable I would ever type that. I had never realised how hard it would be - no friends with kids, not much MN - and it was a horrible shock. I am pretty confident it will mark the lowest point of our relationship and has definitely made us stronger.

Hang in there!

I think this is one of the best and most reassuring threads I have ever read on Mumsnet.

I am going to print it out and keep somewhere safe; to look at during times of relationship stress. And to give to friends who are new parents and finding it tough.

Thank you Mumsnet

This thread is making me feel better. My DH and I are going through a really rough patch - he's having doubts. All my friends with kids seem to be happy and not been adversely affected by having a LO like we have.

I've taken strength from what has been said on my post and on this one and have stopped stressing about the situation and beome tougher towards DH - in a good way, not being as needy etc. This morning for the first time in weeks he kissed me goodbye before going to work without me prompting - he ALWAY used to (HAD to) do it before DD arrived - it was his 'thing'!

Such a small thing but has made me happy and will see me through the day.

We are no where near getting through this patch and I suspect things may get worse before that get better but I've at least gleamed some hope from MN !

MyHeadIsSpinning - I can guarantee you that all your friends are not happy. I think that all of us go through rough times at the beginning. It is impossible to remain cheerful and romantic when you're completely sleep deprived, but it's not the done thing to be honest about it, because of the implication that it might have been a bad idea to have children, and no-one wants to suggest that they regret having their baby. If you scratch the surface though you'll find loads of people snippy with each other because they need to put on a brave face for the world and so their DP is the only one that they can really let rip with!

'All my friends with kids seem to be happy and not been adversely affected by having a LO like we have'. You would be amazed at what goes on behind closed doors.

MrsLittleMouse, thank you for putting into words what i was thinking

It took me a good year before I felt like my dh and I were on the same side again. It was completely unexpected that we didnt get on because no one really tells you. I now have a 6 month old ds2 and I was ready for it this time, and knew our relationship would take a back seat and it has been easier this time round.

I cant remember who wrote it but I read on MN a while ago that there should be a law that stops people seperating while their baby is under a year old, and I can totally see what they meant.

I read somewhere that it takes 2 years to get over having a baby - physically, hormonally and mentally - you are expecting too much of yourselves 6 months on.

Maybe go out just you two once in a while and be just adults again and not parents for a few hours - of course you will always be parents and that i a lovely thing but sometimes men I think especially ned to think they are the centre of your world again and it is nice to feel like a woman with a brai again and not just a mum (although we have brains too!)

I remember when DS was 6 months old and stil breastfeeding that I turned into mad woman and shouted at him that 'I just want to do the fucking dusting' - no biggie but it was the start of us sitting down and realising what was important and what wasn't and making some time fo us rather than concentraing on all of the mundane day to day stuff.

i remember that it wasnt till my DD was 6 months old that we stopped arguing as we were mentally exhausted with a new baby in the house. After 6 months we started to enjoy being as a family and enjoying our relationship too.

there was ans still loads of love in our relationship but we were both so switched off and forgot to switch back on

At 6 months you are still deep in the process of becoming a mother, IYSWIM -- and your partner a father for that matter. In fact I think it's taken us about 5 years ...

So I would echo the advice to go to see your GP to check you haven't any signs of PND or thyroid problems. (My PND with dd1 wasn't diagnosed until she was about 7 months, and the treatment made a huge difference to dh's and my relationship.)

And also talk to your dp about going for joint counselling.

You're all going through a difficult time. Be kind to each other and talk as much as you can.

Skim read - DH and I really didn't like each other when DS was born, for a long time...and I thought it was all over - ironic as when I had DC1, it was the end of a very tenuous relationship with that partner...did start to think it was something I did to men after I had procreated with them

Lots of rows and unkind words and me looking at him, him at me and thinking WTF? I MARRIED that....

BUT, now DS is nearly 1 year old and we're getting a bit more sleep on a regular(ish) basis, things are looking a lot more rosy and I don't wake up every morning thinking about poking my DH repeatedly with a pointy stick

6 months is quite early days and a LOT of adjustments have to be made by both of you, to accommodate a baby (Someone described having a baby as 'a baby bomb - they splash down and touch every single part of your life, from the simple - going to the toilet - to the ridiculouse - getting a bigger mortgage / house etc, every single aspect of your life is touched by their loving little hands'). Relationships change an awful lot.

Agree about checking thyroid, PND and also iron levels as this can leave you feeling wiped out. If the thyroid blood test comes back negative, I think you can check your temperature each morning and if it's below 37 C that can indicate underactive thyroid, as the blood tests can be unreliable.

BUT - hope can spring eternal, DH and I are actually getting to know each other again and usually quite like each other - this is from a low of contemplating divorce and both discussing this at the top of our voices, on a regular basis...We try to make sure we spend some time together, just the 2 of us, and I try not to take the pea too much...

It can and does (eventually) get better. Be kind to each other, nobody tells you how incredibly tough the sleep deprivation can be and how it stops you from having any 'give' emotionally IYSWIM.

KarenGreen
thanks fo starting this thread, i could be you. thank you all for the reassuring comments. we are 5 months on, first baby after 10 years together and i looked at my dH brushing his teath this morning and wanted to kill him. finding him repulsive, not in the least attractive, very annoying. i have depression, but love my son SO much at the moment i am just surviving each day, dont really know where anything is going. you are not alone

You do sound very despondent and I seriously think you need to get checked for post-natal depression, if you haven't already done so. It is a time of massive adjustment for both parents. We find we can no longer be quite so selfish (I don't mean you are selfish, nasty person), but we can't just do what we want anymore when there is a LO to think of. But, because we are not used to this, we still want to put ourselves first. It is our natural state, and takes a long time to get over. Then we blame our partners for being selfish when they want to do what they wantto do, but they are only experiencing the same thing you are.

I am a serious believer in not playing games. IMO the best thing you can do is tell your dh exactly what your thoughts are, ask him if he feels the same way / what he feels, and go forward from there.

First babies are a massive, massive shock, because you almost lose yourself. No subsequent babies have quite the same impact.
Please take time to adjust, keep time for yourself and you dh, even if its only to cuddle and watch a movie.

FWIW, I now think I had PND after having ds1 11 years ago. Was completely overwhelmed by the demands of a new baby, it was a total shock to me how some days I couldn't even have a shower or get out of my dressing-gown. When dh would come home from work and ask me how I was, I would burst into tears and we probably didn't have sex for about a year. It was only after having ds2 that I realised the way I felt the first time wasn't right.

I can recommend a book by a relate counsellor called "I love you but I'm not in love with you" (long title) its very good and goes over issues like yours, as many people have said having children changes relationships gone are the days you can't get enough of each other and all the time to yourself, don't make any rash decisions but try to have some time for just you two. My midwife once said to me that its you then you and your husband and then the three of you (if that makes sense)

KarenGreen, thankyou for starting this thread, I'm sure lots of couples feel like this but don't talk about it. DS is 11 months old and things are getting better. We love him so much but he's turned our world upside down and to be honest we haven't made enough time for us as individuals or as a couple. We have been like 2 (tired) best friends since DS arrived. Things are getting (slowly) better, I've joined a gym with a creche, cut down on breastfeeding (knackers me) and got my sister to babysit once a fortnight so we can go out. DS is a much easier baby than he was at 6 months too, they can entertain themselves and like to crawl round the local playgroups while I have a rest!

hi this happened to us and i have left she was 18 months i just couldnt carry on i was so unhappy and miserable

be brave be strong and do whats right for you

councilling

leave

or just hard work together arrange a babysitter once a week and go on dates

bt talk talk and talk somemore

I didn't know there were so many replies! Thank you to everyone who has added something to this. I'm glad it's useful for some of you

I haven't come back to the thread as I've found thinking about the whole thing too upsetting.

I do understand what everyone is saying about this being so early on, but I really can't imagine ever wanting DP near me again. I almost hate him, I'm sure of it.

I'll tell you why we are together.

We live in a very nice house. I couldn't afford it on my own even with a salary, never mind SMP or benefits. And he won't leave because he is a coward anyway. Nowhere to go. I won't leave because I really do have nowhere to go. And we are not at each other's throats. We just co-exist. We eat the evening meal together but I often wish we didn't. We don't sit together, or spend time together in the evenings. We have the opportunity to, lately our son has slept better.

I have the house to myself all day, then DP has most of it to himself when I go to bed. We might go for a walk together at the weekend but like I said, I don't quite hate him - we could do that if we were separated so that our son spends time with both of us.

It is unhappiness but it is not desperate unhappiness. There is no abuse. We bicker, but there's not even enough passion to get worked up over anything.

All that said I do feel rather flat today. Yesterday I might have been able to muster up some emotion.