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Relationships

The birth of our child has destroyed our relationship

59 replies

KarenGreen · 07/04/2008 18:36

and my question is how long do you stay together when this happens?

Our son is 6 months nearly and there is little love left. We care deeply about each other but can't really imagine things ever being like they were - by which I mean a romantic, loving, physical relationship.

We are living like friends who give pecks on the cheek.

Everyone said, oh it's normal after having a baby, it'll get better - but it isn't.

There isn't that much heartache - more a deep sadness - so I can't help wondering when we should just call it a day.

I post under another name, DP knows it, hence changing, but it's possible he's looked at my reg details and knows this too, and there's not much I can do about that.

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WideWebWitch · 17/04/2008 09:29

Do you think you might be depressed? I think you might consider the possibility. Is it just your partner that you feel this indifferent to or is it other things too?

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KarenGreen · 17/04/2008 09:41

I don't think I am, wicked. Though I can see why you say that, definitely.

I have struggled with depression in the past and feel quite aware of the signs in myself. I do suffer from lows, but nothing severe anymore.

In fact lately I'm becoming more outgoing and positive about other things. Trying to make new friends and going out more.

I have been a bit anxious since the birth but sadly I feel that a lot of it is down to my partner's initial reaction to having a baby. I'm outing myself now, but these are some of my past posts
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=67&threadid=414588#8416250
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=455294#9209158
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=426481#8643304

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CountessDracula · 17/04/2008 09:47

You need to talk

He sounds like he has had a fairly extreme reaction to becoming a father and you in turn are appalled by this and have reacted to it.

You need to find out why he has reacted like this

Have you been for counselling yet?

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KarenGreen · 17/04/2008 09:52

I/we haven't. He thinks it is unnecessary. I thought it was necessary, and then in January or so he started to change and for a while things were good.

I thought that the problem then was just that I needed to forgive him. I thought for a while that he was 'over' the shock of parenthood and we were moving on and that the problem was now mine, because I felt bitter and angry that he really ruined the early days for me, and the experience of breastfeeding. I felt that if I could let that go, we could move on.

So I did consider counselling for myself but while I don't want to create an obstacle, childcare is nil and I am just not sure what to say - 'I have such apathy for DP that I can't even be bothered to devote my time to trying to sort it out' we toddle on as we are.

I have to go out now, taking DS to the park with a friend but I will hopefully get online later thanks CD.

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CountessDracula · 17/04/2008 09:53

Yes but in your other threads you say he loves you and you love him

That doesn't just disappear overnight. His trauma and your disappointment in him need to be addressed. You can't just give up.

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Tippychick · 17/04/2008 10:17

Karen, I'm going to tell you my story but don't let it be a downer, I just want you to know that others feel this way too. don't take my end result as an indication that it will happen to you and your partner too!

When my DD was born my partner of 10 years was fairly useless. He loved her but had that underlying streak of self preservation that (often) means that men can "sleep" through every night screaming session or seem oblivious to piles of washing, nappies, dirty dishes etc. He had also lost his job and was not exactly killing himself looking for another.I became very angry with him and we argued a lot.
When she was 6 months we moved back to the UK to live near my parents. The problems continued so that I literally felt nothing but anger towards him. We had only slept together twice since she was born and again, I felt nothing. After a couple of months of arguing (more to it than that but this is the non-bitter version!) I asked him to move out. He'd been half living-in at his job anyway so it made little difference to our day-to-day lives.

Nearly 8 months on now (DD is 19 months) and I feel nothing for him. There's no spark, I am fond of him but there's no love. I can't put it down to hormones, depression or breastdeesing/attachment (all of which I seriously considered as a reason) any more, I have to come to the conclusion that the love has just gone. He let me down and I stopped loving him, maybe sometimes your mind makes emotional survival for you and your baby a priority and pushes the love for a partner out. I don't know.

Anyway, the reason for telling you all that wasn't to convince you to chuck your partner out, certainly not. Just know that other people have been through the same deadening of emotions and that it doesn't always mean PND or an underlying problem. Sometimes people can just stop loving each other for no good reason, or what at the time doesn't seem like a good enough reason.I never went for counselling but I wish I had and still might. Tellingly, when I suggested couple counselling to my ex he wasn't that interested - he would have turned up I imagine but only if I had arranged it all. And in the end I just couldn't be bothered. It sounds awful to throw away a relationship through apathy and obviously it wasn't that simple as my other posts might show. But that's how it felt, I was weary of plodding along with someone I disliked and resented.

So (assuming you read all that waffle!) I don't mean to bring you down with break-up stories and I do agree that you would probably find it helpful to talk to someone and not make any decisions in such early days. But have a bit of confidence in your own feelings and believe in yourself a bit. If you are feeling this way then it IS a valid problem, not just something to be put down to hormones. If it's important enough to worry you like this then it needs positive action in one way or another, don't get to the resentful arguing stage like me!

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Tippychick · 17/04/2008 10:23

Need to add, I wasn't implying that the other posters were dismissing you with talk of hormones and PND. I was talking about all the reasons I went through/ was told were why I was feeling the way I was that have turned out not to be the case. But of course it is worth eliminating them before you consider giving up on a relationship.

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Bumperlicious · 17/04/2008 10:38

Karen I've only skimmed the threads but I truely understand how you feel, and just want to say please don't judge your relationship on the first year after having a baby. I changes everything. You have to keep talking about it, talk about each others feelings and expectations and try and reach compromises.

My DD is 10 months and we are just getting back to some semblance of a normal loving relationship. You baby takes everything out of you, and you don't feel like you have a lot left, but you learn to balance it a bit better.

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skidaddle · 17/04/2008 16:31

karen/clara - I remember your posts when your DS was born and I was sure it was just a temporary thing. This must be so awful for you but I second what everyone else has said about giving it time. Your DH is being very difficult but please do hang on a bit longer just to see if things improve. If you are BF you may feel differently when you stop - I certainly found myself more interested in my DH again when I stopped.

have to run now but will check and see how you are getting on x