I know I can only really blame myself here for how I feel stuck and broken.
I've had just under 2 years of hell and despair. My life is like something from a soap opera and I'm both embarrassed and ashamed about writing this but to be honest I'm just so broken by everything I can't comprehend anything anymore.
My ex partner left at the end of 22.
Things had got difficult between us and i had pnd after having our 2 kids a year apart. We had the extra stress as well of lockdowns and covid crap. He says I made him feel unneeded, unwanted and unloved after I had the children. I lost myself completely and I felt awful about myself and my appearance. I was up the walls most days being at home with 2 babies and no social interaction with others. I did take my frustrations out on him and I understand his reasons for leaving. I'm an open minded person and I understand when I was at my lowest I became so withdrawn, I was so stressed and I was depressed and I probably did fail him in ways so I don't dismiss his feelings on why he left. But his side of the bed wasn't even cold when he decided to start sleeping with someone else while I thought we were going to take a break, sort our shit out and he'd come home.
We didn't fall out of love, but we did go through a difficult patch and we both knew it needed to be sorted. When he told me about ow and then how she was now carrying his baby while our then 3 & 4 year old were asleep upstairs my entire world crumbled before my eyes. He was remorseful about it, and it was genuine remorse, I know this was unplanned and he was shook by it but it was happening. I went down a rabbit hole for a few months of telling him what a bastard he was and how much he's destroyed me and I made things way worse between us until I began to realise me reacting like this wasn't helping anyone and it wasn't do me any favours either. While I was trying to pick myself up off the floor I then got the lovely news that I had breast cancer and needed a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I mean you can't make it up and this was while I was learning to be alone after 2 decades with someone and learning to be a single mother who was absolutely broken.
I've since finished all my treatment at the end of March but my diagnosis is when me and ex came to a white flag moment. I apologised for my ranting at him and it led us to talking decently to each other again. It led to us Co parenting well for the children too but it also led to other discussions about regrets and fuck ups on both sides and about how much love we actually both have for each other. He was gutted and terrified when he found out my diagnosis. I think it just put things into perspective of how life can be taken for granted and I think towards the end of us and because it was a long term relationship we both took for granted that we thought we both knew we loved each other but he actually didn't think I still loved him which is part of the reason he also left.
But the thing is since I calmed down and stopped reacting and just swallowed my pain and upset and was able to get along with him once more like we did before I had pnd, he was then admitting to me his remorse at getting someone else pregnant, telling each other how we felt and finally opening up to each other about everything. He tells me he regrets leaving when he did, that we should've tried harder, that he's completely messed up in his own head because now he sees we may have been able to fix things with us, but he got himself into a mess by getting someone pregnant and now in a full blown relationship with her. He thinks it could go somewhere with her but yet says he can't let go of hope of us reuniting and that because we are getting along so well its really messed up his head. Said when I was being a bitch it was easier to push his feelings away and hate me, until the diagnosis and until I came back round to being the girl he fell in love with years ago.
Wants to come home but then he'd be leaving the ow and fears not being able to see the baby and I suppose there's the fear of what if things went back to old habits, but they weren't old habits it was because I was a new mum to two babies very quickly. We weren't that way before I had the kids. I feel foolish for saying after my diagnosis and my outlook on life now I would like to put my family together again. I loved him all my life and I do understand the pregnancy was unplanned etc and the wee baby is completely innocent in all of this but I can't help how I feel and he's saying he feels the same and regrets his own actions. He says a lot of things, we both have BUT I'm not sure if I'm just being naive here and getting stringed along to be kept there as a just incase things don't work out with ow.
I'm told we don't know what the future holds, how much he misses coming home to me and the kids, I'm also told about where a lot of blame lies on my end which I will hold my hands up to. I'm told that he still fancies the pants off me and he still loves me so much, that I'm always on his mind but he's telling me all this but his actions are that he's very much continuing on with her. I think he's trying to say hes made his bed here and he has to lie in it because of the mess that's been created and basically he can't do anything about our situation until he's works his own head out incase I hurt him again or we end up like we did at the end of us and obviously because there's children involved.
Am I just being mugged off here in a way? I do know the situation sounds incredibly messed up but what if we really do both still love each other and want to try to make a go at things again. Or am I just being told something to keep me sweet so I'm there incase him and her don't work out?? Can someone make a mistake and genuinely want to fix it the way I'm believing him or am I completely gullible because I'm still so wrapped up in him and because I haven't processed anything that I've went through in such a short span of time. I was Devestated by him leaving and what came after it so quickly but when I got diagnosed I had to focus on getting through each day for my children and what they were watching their mum go through with never mind being heartbroken but also being sick, losing my hair, being tired and bid ridden most days. I just focused on my illness and treatment and couldn't deal with anything else and now im back to having to deal with the heartache and how much my life has been turned upside down. My ex is a very straight talking person he says it how it is I've always trusted him, he's not a liar by any means. He'll say something wether you like it or not so I'm confused on what to believe here because his words speak very differently from his actions. I'm afraid I'm going to let myself in for even more destruction by loving him and trusting what I've been told.
He keeps in touch with me Checking in all the time, if I'm having a bad day he'll call me to let me vent it out and give some support etc... and vice versa and he'll say things like I could really do with a hug etc. I do really believe his head is messed up from the entire situation that's developed but I also know he has developed something for the ow too and feels conflicted. I don't think it's fair on her if he does feel this way about me and I don't think it's fair on me if I'm being used incase they don't work out.
I spent a lifetime with him and I think I deserve so much more than this especially with this last yr or more. I told him today its probably best we stop communicating the way we have because he's destroying me. I think he thinks we should stay friends until we see how things go but he doesn't realise I'm still in the thick of everything and very emotional about everything and being friends and hearing about his new life is very upsetting for me and then hearing how he's feeling as well yet doing absolutely nothing about it other than moving very fast with the ow. So is he being legit or am I just so bloody gullible for my own good cause I'm weak and soft 😭
Am I being completely stupid here?