Why am I doing this to myself I really need a handhold

[thelattelover]

I know I can only really blame myself here for how I feel stuck and broken.
I've had just under 2 years of hell and despair. My life is like something from a soap opera and I'm both embarrassed and ashamed about writing this but to be honest I'm just so broken by everything I can't comprehend anything anymore.

My ex partner left at the end of 22.
Things had got difficult between us and i had pnd after having our 2 kids a year apart. We had the extra stress as well of lockdowns and covid crap. He says I made him feel unneeded, unwanted and unloved after I had the children. I lost myself completely and I felt awful about myself and my appearance. I was up the walls most days being at home with 2 babies and no social interaction with others. I did take my frustrations out on him and I understand his reasons for leaving. I'm an open minded person and I understand when I was at my lowest I became so withdrawn, I was so stressed and I was depressed and I probably did fail him in ways so I don't dismiss his feelings on why he left. But his side of the bed wasn't even cold when he decided to start sleeping with someone else while I thought we were going to take a break, sort our shit out and he'd come home.

We didn't fall out of love, but we did go through a difficult patch and we both knew it needed to be sorted. When he told me about ow and then how she was now carrying his baby while our then 3 & 4 year old were asleep upstairs my entire world crumbled before my eyes. He was remorseful about it, and it was genuine remorse, I know this was unplanned and he was shook by it but it was happening. I went down a rabbit hole for a few months of telling him what a bastard he was and how much he's destroyed me and I made things way worse between us until I began to realise me reacting like this wasn't helping anyone and it wasn't do me any favours either. While I was trying to pick myself up off the floor I then got the lovely news that I had breast cancer and needed a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I mean you can't make it up and this was while I was learning to be alone after 2 decades with someone and learning to be a single mother who was absolutely broken.

I've since finished all my treatment at the end of March but my diagnosis is when me and ex came to a white flag moment. I apologised for my ranting at him and it led us to talking decently to each other again. It led to us Co parenting well for the children too but it also led to other discussions about regrets and fuck ups on both sides and about how much love we actually both have for each other. He was gutted and terrified when he found out my diagnosis. I think it just put things into perspective of how life can be taken for granted and I think towards the end of us and because it was a long term relationship we both took for granted that we thought we both knew we loved each other but he actually didn't think I still loved him which is part of the reason he also left.

But the thing is since I calmed down and stopped reacting and just swallowed my pain and upset and was able to get along with him once more like we did before I had pnd, he was then admitting to me his remorse at getting someone else pregnant, telling each other how we felt and finally opening up to each other about everything. He tells me he regrets leaving when he did, that we should've tried harder, that he's completely messed up in his own head because now he sees we may have been able to fix things with us, but he got himself into a mess by getting someone pregnant and now in a full blown relationship with her. He thinks it could go somewhere with her but yet says he can't let go of hope of us reuniting and that because we are getting along so well its really messed up his head. Said when I was being a bitch it was easier to push his feelings away and hate me, until the diagnosis and until I came back round to being the girl he fell in love with years ago.

Wants to come home but then he'd be leaving the ow and fears not being able to see the baby and I suppose there's the fear of what if things went back to old habits, but they weren't old habits it was because I was a new mum to two babies very quickly. We weren't that way before I had the kids. I feel foolish for saying after my diagnosis and my outlook on life now I would like to put my family together again. I loved him all my life and I do understand the pregnancy was unplanned etc and the wee baby is completely innocent in all of this but I can't help how I feel and he's saying he feels the same and regrets his own actions. He says a lot of things, we both have BUT I'm not sure if I'm just being naive here and getting stringed along to be kept there as a just incase things don't work out with ow.

I'm told we don't know what the future holds, how much he misses coming home to me and the kids, I'm also told about where a lot of blame lies on my end which I will hold my hands up to. I'm told that he still fancies the pants off me and he still loves me so much, that I'm always on his mind but he's telling me all this but his actions are that he's very much continuing on with her. I think he's trying to say hes made his bed here and he has to lie in it because of the mess that's been created and basically he can't do anything about our situation until he's works his own head out incase I hurt him again or we end up like we did at the end of us and obviously because there's children involved.

Am I just being mugged off here in a way? I do know the situation sounds incredibly messed up but what if we really do both still love each other and want to try to make a go at things again. Or am I just being told something to keep me sweet so I'm there incase him and her don't work out?? Can someone make a mistake and genuinely want to fix it the way I'm believing him or am I completely gullible because I'm still so wrapped up in him and because I haven't processed anything that I've went through in such a short span of time. I was Devestated by him leaving and what came after it so quickly but when I got diagnosed I had to focus on getting through each day for my children and what they were watching their mum go through with never mind being heartbroken but also being sick, losing my hair, being tired and bid ridden most days. I just focused on my illness and treatment and couldn't deal with anything else and now im back to having to deal with the heartache and how much my life has been turned upside down. My ex is a very straight talking person he says it how it is I've always trusted him, he's not a liar by any means. He'll say something wether you like it or not so I'm confused on what to believe here because his words speak very differently from his actions. I'm afraid I'm going to let myself in for even more destruction by loving him and trusting what I've been told.
He keeps in touch with me Checking in all the time, if I'm having a bad day he'll call me to let me vent it out and give some support etc... and vice versa and he'll say things like I could really do with a hug etc. I do really believe his head is messed up from the entire situation that's developed but I also know he has developed something for the ow too and feels conflicted. I don't think it's fair on her if he does feel this way about me and I don't think it's fair on me if I'm being used incase they don't work out.

I spent a lifetime with him and I think I deserve so much more than this especially with this last yr or more. I told him today its probably best we stop communicating the way we have because he's destroying me. I think he thinks we should stay friends until we see how things go but he doesn't realise I'm still in the thick of everything and very emotional about everything and being friends and hearing about his new life is very upsetting for me and then hearing how he's feeling as well yet doing absolutely nothing about it other than moving very fast with the ow. So is he being legit or am I just so bloody gullible for my own good cause I'm weak and soft 😭

Am I being completely stupid here?

Don’t be someone’s option when you can be someone else’s priority. Especially don’t be an option for a man who is painting himself as a victim of circumstance and is failing to take responsibility for his own actions. People like that rarely create meaningful change as they don’t recognise a need to. I worry that if he came back, you would feel his love and commitment were conditional on behaving a certain way, rather than having confidence in your partner to weather all storms with you, even when you’re being a flawed human (as we all are). After fighting so hard to recover from pnd and cancer you need to fight again now for a better life than that.

This all the way, perfectly put @Nicole1111

OP you absolutely can and will find deep and fulfilling happiness again, have hope ♥️.

Sorry just wanted to add, everyone is capable of making mistakes and it's possible he was struggling with parenting and a relationship under strain too that led him to make bad choices but I would really be asking hard questions about how he managed to meet someone and build a relationship after such a short space of time.
A hook up is entirely plausible but anyone that's been on online dating will confirm finding a viable new partner after only being 'single' for two weeks would be almost a miracle.
I would be thinking he had already been at the very least speaking to other women and on dating apps before you had split and had most likely already connected with this woman.
Again it might have all been a terrible mistake for him but it is done and however much you both want to cling onto all the best parts of what you had together things can never go backwards.

He seems like he wants his cake and wants to eats it.
What about the ow here? Doesn’t she get a say in whether she wants to keep someone who is still in constant contact with his ex and has also admitted feelings for her? Doesn’t she get any consideration for how things will be for her if the father of her baby pisses off back to you now that you’re past the difficult stage of having 2 under 2?
He does seem extremely selfish if you ask me.

Sorry he sounds like a dick and I wouldn’t take him back. The early years are HARD, he fucked off and shagged someone else immediately. Of course he is full of regrets and tears now, he destroyed his family and his facing baby years again. I wouldn’t take a man like that back in a million years but sounds like you convinced yourself he has changed and is the love of your life.
sorry about your cancer and hope you are ij remission soon.

.. and if he came back to you and your own little family, would there always be an underlying worry when he is at his 2nd family home to collect/drop off his child, discuss his child with texts and phone calls with his 2nd Baby Mother? ( A disrespectful term but OW is not accurate here, she wasn't )
.. Especially when they start to get along so much better and he checks in with her 'several times a day' when the difficult years are over 🙄
What a Prince among men.
You would be best talking to the 'Woman he got pregnant' as I think she would have a very different story to tell.

He's spinning you a line OP, even though he probably believes it himself at the moment.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
You deserve so much better now

OP, you are not being stupid. Life sometimes is rough.
I wouldn't think about him. Personally I think that at the time you were stressed and burned out taking care of the babies, coping with all your body changes and life changes he buried his head in sand and instead of be empathetic he decides to have an affair. That lack of empathy and respect will be for me enough to not want to come back with him, because in my opinion you didn't bitch he left you down.

Those waters are now settled and he had realize that the grass in not greener and now he regrets what he did and is trying to split the blame 50/50, when under my point of view is 80/20 with the 80 on his side and the 20 on yours because nobody is perfect.

He had other family and other kid and as much as you love him the last thing you need is to start dealing with his stuff again.

I would let him go and focus on yourself. You don't need an extra load, and he already had failed you. Take the opportunity that the things now are smooth and if you need him to step up to take care of your kids more often meanwhile you get better do it.
One thing at the time and each thing at the correct time.
All the best.

Ohhh was he huwwting too? Just sobbing tears here that the poor man was hurting so much he… got someone else pregnant. And then he wanted to come home to you but a family member told him he couldn’t so oh dear you see he’s a helpless victim here, what else could he have done??
What a pathetic wanker, honestly.

Loads of great advice and this sums it up beautifully:

“Codlingmoths · Today 07:42
Ohhh was he huwwting too? Just sobbing tears here that the poor man was hurting so much he… got someone else pregnant. And then he wanted to come home to you but a family member told him he couldn’t so oh dear you see he’s a helpless victim here, what else could he have done??
What a pathetic wanker, honestly.”

You’re focussed on 2 tinies born 1 year apart and struggling with PND in lockdown and he fucks off because he’s not getting enough attention. And we know what kind of attention he’s talking about because he settles down with another woman immediately (who may well have been on the scene already - I think he’s misled you on that). Now he’s going behind her back but saying he can’t leave her with her 1 baby by him when he left you with 2 and to face cancer treatment alone. He’s no prince is he? Sorry, OP, he may have been a great pre-child partner but he sounds like a selfish, sexually incontinent manchild. You, on the other hand, sound amazing. You know you can’t trust him or rely on him. Stop entertaining the discussions. Shut it down.

Are there other people who can help with handing over the children etc so you can start to get some emotional distance from him? He’s very unsafe for you in that regard and I think you need some time of not being exposed to him.

Not read the whole thread but he has shown you that when things get tough, he bails.

When things get tough again in life, he won’t be there.

The OW is not the OW, she is his partner. You claim he is not a liar, but he appears to be lying to her, as he is having an emotional affair with you ( you are the OW in this situation). He is also talking of the possibility of remaining in a sham relationship with her, to keep access to his baby, which is a disgusting way to treat her. Of course, he is very possibly saying this to string you along as his reserve option if things don’t work out with her.

What I am reading is a tale of a man who has treated two women like shit and is keeping them both hanging on whilst he makes them both think he wants a relationship with him.

This man is no prize.

I'm sorry I should have explained when I was stating ow I didn't mean that term in a derogatory way to her or that she was the side woman type thing. I used the term ow as in for the other woman I'm talking about I didn't mean it as she was an affair partner, sorry maybe I should have worded it better, I just wasn't thinking.

I also heed the comments here suggesting I'm the ow here as he is in a relationship with her, which I too have thought about, as in he's emotionally cheating and saying this stuff to me and I've allowed it. I'm not proud that I allowed it but I was going through that much and this is a man I spent much of my life with that in the moment I didn't realise that's ultimately what I was being turned into here and I do feel shameful for that and I do have to agree that's how it is as much as I hate to admit it as I'm a firm believer in not destroying or coming between anyone's marriage or relationship and I would never want my worst enemy to feel how I feel. So I appreciate what you're saying here, that I was turned into the ow here in this situation now, and it makes me feel like a low human being.
No, I'm afraid I'd never go to her and tell her this. Cause her upset as well, when she has a young baby, I don't think she needs that and It would come across as I'm playing games as the spiteful ex. I'd just rather put my foot down to him and say this isn't right on either me or her and I'm out.

He's managed to convince you that him leaving you with 2 small children, immediately sleeping with someone else, getting them pregnant and now messing with your head, whilst emotionally cheating on his new partner - is all your fault.

It isn't. Noone forced him to leave when his wife was, very understandably and normally, struggling with 2 babies. Noone forced him to then immediately take up with someone else (ofcourse he could have already had her lined up, it seems unusually fast timing), noone forced him to have unprotected sex with his new girlfriend. He made a series of choices.

If he can't be adult enough to recognise and own his choices, there's no chance of a decent relationship with him in the future.

And either way, he doesn't sound like a great dad. He sounds like a dad who makes a habit of walking on out on new mums and young children.

Oh you poor thing, you've been through so much. Hats off to you.
With regards to your ex partner, he's a bloody rat!!! You had two children within a year, PND PLUS Covid and lockdowns and he has the bare faced cheek to point so much blame at you???!!! The fucking cheek of him! What did he expect, hearts and flowers and birds singing when you were (understandably) struggling with life at that time!
Of course your relationship would be put on the back burner for a bit. Did he expect his life to just stay the same with two very young babies and a knackered, ill mum?!
I'm actually feeling so cross on your behalf.
I wonder if it's not all a bed of roses now with OW and she's quite rightly focussing on the baby and you're in the field where the grass is greener and why is it greener? Because of YOU! Because YOU have done a grand job of being a single mother despite all the worry and heartache in your life. Where was he then? Shagging another woman two weeks after cowardly walking away, that's where he was.
I feel for you, I really do and I really hope you get the all clear 🤞🏻

OP - life tests us in many, often unpredictable, ways and it’s super important who we choose as partners: think integrity, loyalty, resilience, courage.
Your partner is a coward. The grass didn’t turn out to be greener and now he’s back. Even if we ‘park’ the issue of him having another family now (because effectively this is what he has), what if you take him back and life gets hard again? Will he stick around this time? Can you trust him?
I wasted several years on someone whose love declarations were so loud, yet he’d disappear when troubles hit, only to reappear when things got easier. He never changed.
Focus on co-parenting and on looking after yourself. He is not your safety and peace.

I feel sick reading this :(

he is with another woman, he has a baby with another woman, he is in a relationship with another woman

what kind of person is he?

no one in this scenario should be seeing this man in a good light. His poor children

Honestly, I would not allow him to leave her and move straight in with you. I would insist if he really wants to be with you that he tells his current partner and moves out. Sets up alone for a while. Sees all his children in a regular schedule and learns to be independent and manage his life without a woman to support him. I might agree to dates / spending some time together whilst he is in this phase. I would reassess after 12 months of this set up,( providing he hasn't bailed out and set up with yet another woman / got someone else pregnant)

I completely get what yous are saying about he's not a great dad, more because of his choices and actions. I genuinely cannot fault him for the type of dad he is. He did do his fair share here when he'd come home from work and help me out with the load. I don't like the term of calling him a bad dad, but I do see what yous are trying to say here to me. That his actions weren't someone of a great dad. I just don't feel comfortable making out that he was this lazy man and didn't do anything for me or the kids, when I hear the term bad dad that's what I think of I suppose.

So many of you are saying they must have been going on behind my back because of the timing of them and the pregnancy and that could be true. It was the first thing that went through my head, I've had many thoughts about it. He swears hands down absolutely not and shit had already hit the fan and I was being told about how I had broken him down to feeling the way he did that he could've said yeah I was cheating and used that excuse for it. I do believe if there was cheating going on he would've said yes and had an excuse ready. When he left he turned to drinking like a teenager,he was in the pubs every Fri, sat and Sunday... The new partner is much younger, in her 20s and would've been in there at the same time as him and that's how they managed to meet and it went from there.
I disagree that maybe the grass isn't greener. She's much younger than me, she's absolutely beautiful, popular and very well liked, she's much more going for her compared to myself in my late 30s. So I doubt its anything to do with their relationship has soured or he's not getting as much attention from her, it all seems pretty rosy from the outside and she's totally smitten with him, plus their relationship would still be in that lovely honeymoon phase where everything is new and fresh and exciting and during that stage we all give lots of attention and love to our partners because it's all so new.. Its once it gets long term things start to change and slow down and real life kicks in in my opinion. No she seems to be a fantastic girl like, she's definitely a big upgrade from me and it's had a big effect on how I feel about myself especially after going through treatment and how that's affected my body and my appearance and the fact in 15 yrs older than her. To me she's the prize here out of us both so I m baffled because she's a complete catch so why bother with me

This is what we both discussed, that if we were to ever try again there'd be no rushing things or telling the children. Because it could go absolutely tits up and it could cause more damage. It would be something we'd both explore whilst mot living with each other and I agree he'd need to be on his own for a while, I think he realises himself that too. He's well aware of how quickly things escalated and how quick things moved with him. I do think it was casual sex only she got pregnant and she wanted a committed relationship from him and to move it etc. Like they had a baby and moved in within a year. I don't think he's had anytime to process anything either with how soon everything happened and she was carrying his child. I do agree where others have said to me so it's ok that he stays with her and 1 child but he left you to be a single mum to 2 children, it's something I've said to him a few times and it's obviously something that hurts me.

However, I know him very well and throughout our time together he is the sort of person who makes stupid decisions in the moment and then faces the consequences later and how hard done by he is instead of realising he made the conscious choice. But as I said I am open minded, I'm very empathetic it tends to be my big downfall and leads me to getting hurt but I have to hold my hands up that I obviously did hurt him or let him down, I do understand his reasons for leaving, we really did fall apart even with communication to each other. I have to take my share of the blame here and I do, but it's the fact all he had to do if he wanted to come back and fix things was just not to go and jump into bed with the first woman who came his way. I got the usual of she showed me affection and interest etc and you weren't giving me that, I know it's the old cliche but it doesn't make it an easier or nicer hearing it. I loved him and yes we were struggling but he shouldn't have ran off to another woman, he could've drank himself into oblivion if he wanted. Can you imagine if I'd ran off to another man. I'd be an absolute scumbag. I knew we just needed a bit of time to appreciate one another and see how awful life would be if we separated for good..I needed to realise somethings about my own behaviour as well.. But instead he found someone else, a pregnancy occurred and he just created everything he had with me for 20+ years
with someone else and now living a life with her as if I never existed, that's how I feel. But in the moments we have discussed things he admits everything happened so quickly with the baby and then moving in he hasn't actually had to be alone. Everything was forced because of the pregnancy, he says she's a lovely girl and there's nothing wrong with her but he knows in hindsight things happened so quickly and it all snowballed before he knew it. She's already wanting more kids and talking about marriage and they're just over a yr into everything.
I dont think he actually took the time to realise what this meant for our entire history and all our future thoughts and plans. He just blocked everything by drinking and having sex with someone else, he hasn't had to feel the loneliness yet or the impact yet because she's basically just stepped in and took my role whereas I'm abandoned still living in our home with all the memories with the ghost of him and really going through it all. I don't think there's one night I haven't sat here without crying my heart out. It's been awful for me.
But when I express this he gets very defensive saying its hard on him too, that he didn't plan this, he thought the same as me that we'd work stuff out and he'd be back home and we'd be happy again. That it took a lot for him to leave, he thought he was the problem, he didn't want to leave and that he didn't leave because he didn't love me but left because of how distraught he'd become. It did become very bad between us, we were more like roomates and we became distant so that's why I do understand his side but fuck he didn't need to sleep with someone else and then create a full blown relationship with her. I didnt do it on him

This is such a good post!

You have a dud for a parent . He let you down lovely lady. He came and went, And left you behind. What more do you need?

In all honesty he probably should be alone so he can sit and properly analyse things away from me and away from the other girl because honestly I think he's trying to suppress so much because he knows he can't show it to her that things have moved so fast so soon. He's most likely letting her believe everything is fine and he's fine and he's so excited about their new life when in actual fact he's riddled with guilt and he does miss his old life with the woman he spent many years with a the time we took planning our children, it took us 8 years to successfully have children and we lost babies along the way too. We've been through a lot together and lot of rough moments together and always pulled through but it was different when I had to focus on two babies needing my constant attention and then how I felt within myself. I probably did neglect him and myself. I was touched out and emotionally and mentally drained. I love our children and its still emotionally draining at the best of times. I was estactic to become a mum but being a mum to two very quickly really changed the dynamics of everything and I struggled and I feel such shame in saying that considering how long it took me to successfully have them. They are miracles and we should've been basking in total joy at something we both thought we'd never experience instead of what actually happened to us and it makes me feel so sad and I do know he's thinking the exact same thing. I do see the guilt and the remorse he feels especially on the children. I'm not trying to make excuses for him because he has totally destroyed me with his choices and actions but people do make mistakes and as I said before I'm probably too empathetic for my own good.

@candycane222
Don’t be someone’s option

I suppose that's how I feel. I'm just an option rather than him down on his knees pleading with me AND not being in a relationship with someone else!! He shouldn't get to have an option or make anyone feel like an option neither her or me deserve it. She doesn't deserve this either as much as I hate saying it (out of pure jealousy on my part that's all it is because she seems to be lovely and my children like her and she's very good them) I cannot fault her but she also hurt me. She knew about me, she knew about the circumstances, she knew we ONLY just broke up and were still in communication and she knew he wanted to come because he did call it all off with her and said I want my family and then she announced she was pregnant. She was also in a 6 yr relationship and left the guy for my ex. I think she might have been the one cheating. But she knew all of this and still pursued him BUT he also allowed it in fairness to her. She's not as innocent here as it may seem. If I knew a man was still in love with his partner and they only separated it would be a huge red flag to me. Maybe it's because she's young and didn't care in the moment who knows but she was very aware of the situation But even saying all that she still doesn't deserve crap either

"But his side of the bed wasn't even cold when he decided to start sleeping with someone else while I thought we were going to take a break, sort our shit out and he'd come home"

I am sorry for all you have been through, life can be brutal at times.

All I will say is, that there is a massive possibility that his side of the bed was still warm when he met the OW & may be a big reason why he left. Unfortunately, it's what men do.

His head is messed up because he has realised that his life with OW isn't what he wants, and isn't what he thought it would be. The grass isn't greener & I bet that these feelings started the moment he realised she was expecting and that he'd swapped one family for another, and the freedom he thought he would get with OW isn't quite what he's getting.

You need to decide what YOU want, stick to your guns and be strong! You have been through a lot, you CAN do this.

"Don’t be someone’s option when you can be someone else’s priority"

I like this, I also like "Don't be someone's option while making them your priority"

Your ex is an incredibly confused man who lacks empathy, this my dear is a terrible recipe for a partner, he’s a head f-uck and the level of headfuckery he’s putting you through is amazing and a bit depressing to read.

You need to get this tosser out of your life, learn to co-parent in a civilised manner and get yourself a nice dude, this one is not.