Why am I doing this to myself I really need a handhold

[thelattelover]

I know I can only really blame myself here for how I feel stuck and broken.
I've had just under 2 years of hell and despair. My life is like something from a soap opera and I'm both embarrassed and ashamed about writing this but to be honest I'm just so broken by everything I can't comprehend anything anymore.

My ex partner left at the end of 22.
Things had got difficult between us and i had pnd after having our 2 kids a year apart. We had the extra stress as well of lockdowns and covid crap. He says I made him feel unneeded, unwanted and unloved after I had the children. I lost myself completely and I felt awful about myself and my appearance. I was up the walls most days being at home with 2 babies and no social interaction with others. I did take my frustrations out on him and I understand his reasons for leaving. I'm an open minded person and I understand when I was at my lowest I became so withdrawn, I was so stressed and I was depressed and I probably did fail him in ways so I don't dismiss his feelings on why he left. But his side of the bed wasn't even cold when he decided to start sleeping with someone else while I thought we were going to take a break, sort our shit out and he'd come home.

We didn't fall out of love, but we did go through a difficult patch and we both knew it needed to be sorted. When he told me about ow and then how she was now carrying his baby while our then 3 & 4 year old were asleep upstairs my entire world crumbled before my eyes. He was remorseful about it, and it was genuine remorse, I know this was unplanned and he was shook by it but it was happening. I went down a rabbit hole for a few months of telling him what a bastard he was and how much he's destroyed me and I made things way worse between us until I began to realise me reacting like this wasn't helping anyone and it wasn't do me any favours either. While I was trying to pick myself up off the floor I then got the lovely news that I had breast cancer and needed a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I mean you can't make it up and this was while I was learning to be alone after 2 decades with someone and learning to be a single mother who was absolutely broken.

I've since finished all my treatment at the end of March but my diagnosis is when me and ex came to a white flag moment. I apologised for my ranting at him and it led us to talking decently to each other again. It led to us Co parenting well for the children too but it also led to other discussions about regrets and fuck ups on both sides and about how much love we actually both have for each other. He was gutted and terrified when he found out my diagnosis. I think it just put things into perspective of how life can be taken for granted and I think towards the end of us and because it was a long term relationship we both took for granted that we thought we both knew we loved each other but he actually didn't think I still loved him which is part of the reason he also left.

But the thing is since I calmed down and stopped reacting and just swallowed my pain and upset and was able to get along with him once more like we did before I had pnd, he was then admitting to me his remorse at getting someone else pregnant, telling each other how we felt and finally opening up to each other about everything. He tells me he regrets leaving when he did, that we should've tried harder, that he's completely messed up in his own head because now he sees we may have been able to fix things with us, but he got himself into a mess by getting someone pregnant and now in a full blown relationship with her. He thinks it could go somewhere with her but yet says he can't let go of hope of us reuniting and that because we are getting along so well its really messed up his head. Said when I was being a bitch it was easier to push his feelings away and hate me, until the diagnosis and until I came back round to being the girl he fell in love with years ago.

Wants to come home but then he'd be leaving the ow and fears not being able to see the baby and I suppose there's the fear of what if things went back to old habits, but they weren't old habits it was because I was a new mum to two babies very quickly. We weren't that way before I had the kids. I feel foolish for saying after my diagnosis and my outlook on life now I would like to put my family together again. I loved him all my life and I do understand the pregnancy was unplanned etc and the wee baby is completely innocent in all of this but I can't help how I feel and he's saying he feels the same and regrets his own actions. He says a lot of things, we both have BUT I'm not sure if I'm just being naive here and getting stringed along to be kept there as a just incase things don't work out with ow.

I'm told we don't know what the future holds, how much he misses coming home to me and the kids, I'm also told about where a lot of blame lies on my end which I will hold my hands up to. I'm told that he still fancies the pants off me and he still loves me so much, that I'm always on his mind but he's telling me all this but his actions are that he's very much continuing on with her. I think he's trying to say hes made his bed here and he has to lie in it because of the mess that's been created and basically he can't do anything about our situation until he's works his own head out incase I hurt him again or we end up like we did at the end of us and obviously because there's children involved.

Am I just being mugged off here in a way? I do know the situation sounds incredibly messed up but what if we really do both still love each other and want to try to make a go at things again. Or am I just being told something to keep me sweet so I'm there incase him and her don't work out?? Can someone make a mistake and genuinely want to fix it the way I'm believing him or am I completely gullible because I'm still so wrapped up in him and because I haven't processed anything that I've went through in such a short span of time. I was Devestated by him leaving and what came after it so quickly but when I got diagnosed I had to focus on getting through each day for my children and what they were watching their mum go through with never mind being heartbroken but also being sick, losing my hair, being tired and bid ridden most days. I just focused on my illness and treatment and couldn't deal with anything else and now im back to having to deal with the heartache and how much my life has been turned upside down. My ex is a very straight talking person he says it how it is I've always trusted him, he's not a liar by any means. He'll say something wether you like it or not so I'm confused on what to believe here because his words speak very differently from his actions. I'm afraid I'm going to let myself in for even more destruction by loving him and trusting what I've been told.
He keeps in touch with me Checking in all the time, if I'm having a bad day he'll call me to let me vent it out and give some support etc... and vice versa and he'll say things like I could really do with a hug etc. I do really believe his head is messed up from the entire situation that's developed but I also know he has developed something for the ow too and feels conflicted. I don't think it's fair on her if he does feel this way about me and I don't think it's fair on me if I'm being used incase they don't work out.

I spent a lifetime with him and I think I deserve so much more than this especially with this last yr or more. I told him today its probably best we stop communicating the way we have because he's destroying me. I think he thinks we should stay friends until we see how things go but he doesn't realise I'm still in the thick of everything and very emotional about everything and being friends and hearing about his new life is very upsetting for me and then hearing how he's feeling as well yet doing absolutely nothing about it other than moving very fast with the ow. So is he being legit or am I just so bloody gullible for my own good cause I'm weak and soft 😭

Am I being completely stupid here?

I'll hazard a guess that OW hasn't got a clue he's talking about how much he loves you and wants to get back to you. I expect he's saying one thing to you and another to her.
He's either going to break your heart all over again, or he's going to break hers.
He's a scumbag who wants it all. Loser.

This is the archetypal dog with two dicks, who's shocked to his core to discover he can get two women pregnant.

What the fuck was he thinking, sleeping with a young woman and risking her getting pregnant? It doesn't matter if she said she was on the pill. He should have respected his own children enough not to completely fuck up their lives with the chance of another child. He should have respected the young woman's life enough not to fuck it up with her getting pregnant so quickly to a man with a complicated past. And he should have respected you enough to not add further problems to a very difficult relationship.

The only thing you can do, OP, is draw a line under your marriage now, I'm afraid. If you let him back into your life (not that he's hurrying that - he's still sleeping with someone else) then you'll feel you are walking on eggshells, trying to keep him happy. There's a very high chance his relationship with the young woman wouldn't end and he'd be going round there crying, just as he is to you.

Be strong. I know it's hard. I know you're lonely. But you would be even more lonely if he came back and then went round to the other woman's house a few times a week (which he would). How would you feel having his other child living at your house for part of the week?

It's too messy. He made the mess. He doesn't get to come back and act like nothing's happened. He created a war zone. Step back - put your hands up and say you don't want anything to do with him again, unless it's to do with the children.

After reading your latest update, it sounds as though the two of them deserve each other.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through but don't blame yourself

I probably do find myself walking on eggshells, trying to keep things as amicable as possible & you're right I have thought to myself if he's doing this with me if we got back would he run to her if things weren't going right. I think I've thought of every possible scenario.
The thing of having his other baby about as weird as it sounds I think it would hurt a bit at the start but I'm well aware the little baby is completely innocent here as are my own children. I grew up in a blended family. My mum and dad separated when I was little and they both went on to find other people and have children so I grew up with half siblings but to me they're my siblings, just as how my children see this wee baby as their sibling. I know I'd never hold it against the baby it didn't ask for any of this. So that isn't such a big deal to me and I'd expect him to see the child and be in it's life and all of that but yes I do agree I've asked myself if I'd trust him orwould the same scenario with me then be carried on with her. I just don't know. I do have some fears and then other times I think to myself that I genuinely believe him about messing up.

But as far as I can see from everyone who has no emotional attachment to reading my thread everyone seems to have the same opinion on leave it, get on with things and he can't be trusted because he'll probably just go between the two of us and pointing out things I too have questioned and evaluated. My head is just an absolute mess. I just cannot believe this has all happened. Its such a mess. And no I'm sure she has no idea, I think she does be insecure and worried when he comes here to collect the kids and drop them off because she knows full well he still loved me, he was wanting to come back and I'm sure when my diagnosis came about she feared him coming back. There's a long history there with us, but she knew all that and still looked for him and it does get rubbed in my face a bit as if she won a prize. If it was me in her shoes at the time I think I'd have ran a mile from him knowing he was literally straight out of a very very long relationship with 2 small children and knowing she might have a broken heart from this fiasco but she didn't seem to care. She wanted him and she got him but doesn't realise there's now consequences for herself from it, it's probably the reason she's pushing for more kids and a marriage knowing that he'll not walk away from another relationship to face the same turmoil again. She's only on her 20s and probably doesn't have a lot of life experience, I definitely didn't in my 20s I was carefree until my early 30s and then shit hit the fan

You sound fabulous OP. How strong and resilient you have been. Your children are lucky to have you as their mother.

He on the other hand is a selfish prick. He didn’t like it when two babies were the centre of attention. And blames you. My guess he wasn’t much use and you were tired and needed more support from him. He wasn’t there for you when you were seriously ill after all those years. And he blames a relative for that. He can’t come back and blames the new baby for that. Probably blames OW for the baby.

Well done for starting to see this for the BS it is and trying to get some new boundaries in place. Continue with that. Start grey rocking.

Look at his actions don’t listen to his words. Looking at what he has done and continues to do and ignoring the tears and fine words, it becomes clear. He left. He drank a lot. He didn’t support you when you were sick. He slept with someone else and didn’t use protection. He chooses to still be with her. He isn’t breaking it off with her. Don’t take the weight of responsibility for any of his choices onto yourself. Let go of any guilt. Let him have it all. Let him go. Be free OP.

If you take him back it will be the pick me dance for the rest of your life. Him going back and forward between you keeping you both constantly worried about what you say and do in case he’s gone again. Promise you she’s already doing that. Scared he will go back to you.

You deserve so so much more.
Centre yourself and your two DC build a fantastic life and in time, if you want, someone better will come into your life. Meanwhile he and OW will be on child number two and he’ll be looking for ways to escape the responsibility again.

💐

You are an incredibly strong woman OP and you have been through so much and you have survived.
You will survive getting rid of this man and making it on your own. You don't need him, you have proven that already.

I agree with so many posters here - he is not a good man and he has not treated you fairly or been a good dad to his children however much you think he has.

Being a good dad is more than him just doing things for the kids when he's around - it's about commitment and being there and this man ran from you and his children as soon as the going got tough. That's not a good dad.

Read back through your posts objectively if you can and see how often you make excuses for him and let him off his bad behaviour. Imagine this was one of your children in adulthood telling you their problems - what you advise? And how would you see this man?

You will be fine without him, you are a strong, strong woman, and in time you have the ability to develop a good co-parenting relationship with him.
But definitely let him go.

Beautifully put by @Catoo.

“Catoo · Today 14:04
You sound fabulous OP. How strong and resilient you have been. Your children are lucky to have you as their mother.

He on the other hand is a selfish prick. He didn’t like it when two babies were the centre of attention. And blames you. My guess he wasn’t much use and you were tired and needed more support from him. He wasn’t there for you when you were seriously ill after all those years. And he blames a relative for that. He can’t come back and blames the new baby for that. Probably blames OW for the baby.

Well done for starting to see this for the BS it is and trying to get some new boundaries in place. Continue with that. Start grey rocking.

Look at his actions don’t listen to his words. Looking at what he has done and continues to do and ignoring the tears and fine words, it becomes clear. He left. He drank a lot. He didn’t support you when you were sick. He slept with someone else and didn’t use protection. He chooses to still be with her. He isn’t breaking it off with her. Don’t take the weight of responsibility for any of his choices onto yourself. Let go of any guilt. Let him have it all. Let him go. Be free OP.

If you take him back it will be the pick me dance for the rest of your life. Him going back and forward between you keeping you both constantly worried about what you say and do in case he’s gone again. Promise you she’s already doing that. Scared he will go back to you.

You deserve so so much more.
Centre yourself and your two DC build a fantastic life and in time, if you want, someone better will come into your life. Meanwhile he and OW will be on child number two and he’ll be looking for ways to escape the responsibility again.”

OP - this man is a waste of your time, energy and emotion. He left you when you were at your most vulnerable (2 tiny DCs, PND, lockdown) so that he could shag around and he’s got you blaming yourself. He’s an absolute piece of work. Please put as much space as you can between yourself and him (can someone else be around for handovers for a while?). This man is desperately unsafe for you emotionally and you need time to recover from him. He’s desperately unsafe for his current woman (any woman in fact), too, but that’s her problem, not yours.

Please stop asking and referring to yourself as being pathetic I don't understand why that thought is in your head. In the space of 12 months you have been through more stress and more heartache than most people go through in a lifetime. Don't beat yourself up for being difficult to live with, we are all difficult to live with at different times and you had a lot on your plate.

I have been through a divorce and it was hard, I had never lived on my own, I felt lonely, I grieved for my old life and the future I lost but, in time, that past. I then had several years on my own and I can honestly say they were great times. For the first time in my life I answered to no-one and I found that intoxicating. There is a lot to be said for having your independence and having time to invest in yourself and do what you want to do.

Please don't prioritise a man who views you, and your two children, only as an 'option'. I couldn't bear to be with someone who behaved as your husband has behaved, he is beyond redemption in my opinion. He made his bed and he has to lie in it, let him live a life of regret but please don't allow yourself to give him a second chance because he will still carry on with the OW and you will never have any peace of mind. If you were to get back with your husband and if he gave up this OW (which I don't believe he would) he will just have another affair further down the line because he knows he can and you will take him back

Sadly your husband doesn't know your worth but please believe me you are worth so much more than this. Please choose you and not him.

You are awesome, you are amazing, you are fabulous, you have kicked cancer's a* and you now need to kick your husband's.

I am so incensed by your husband I can't sleep! I just so want to tell him what I think of him.

Please OP look back over this thread not one person thinks you should give him a second chance. As for him living on his own for 12 months whilst he decides what he wants, trust me with that much freedom he will move on to someone else and leave both of you behind.

It is obvious you have very low self esteem and lack confidence please use this time to start working on that, there is so much available online which would help you to do so.

I am intrigued by what it is your husband has that makes him so irresistible. I can only think he is very good looking, with a great physic, charismatic, funny, amazing in bed and has won the lottery because to be in the position he is, having behaved as he has, to have two women who both want him is a mystery to me. How do either of you believe a word he says?

I would love to know what your friends and family think about the situation.

I just long for you to post you have told him never to darken your doorstep again and I agree get someone else to do the handover with the children so you can avoid seeing him. He doesn't deserve your time or your attention.

I would be surprised if she wasn’t on the scene prior to him leaving. Emotional affair if not physical. Then as others have said he left because the grass looked greener… until he shat all over that lawn too.

And then he’s back. But he’s still blaming others and possibly lying about the fact he was having an affair (if he was).

We know for sure he is VERY capable of having an affair as he is having an EA with you now. He has at least one but in his fidelity ‘I am faithful but not if it’s my ex’. He is choosing to cheat.

He is also someone who blames others. You. His friend who said whatever s/he said. His girlfriend and her fertile ways - pesky woman. He has no clue and won’t take blame. Has he always struggled with taking blame or being seen as the bad guy? Not taking responsibility for his actions? Not saying ‘hey I really fucked up here- I thought the grass was greener but it’s not. I love you and I’m going to live alone and try and fix my fucking mess. But I will do what I can to repair us and I’ll do the best for my children.’ And if she was on the scene prior to you splitting admit that too.

Instead he’s dancing about spinning his yarn making sure he doesn’t end up with 0 ladies. He’s a man with zero integrity. Now that is the definition of pathetic.

It isn’t about what his girlfriend or you have or don’t have. Or how pretty or sexy or smart someone is. It is about him. About things make him feel. What he gets in the moment from his relationship. About whether his ‘needs’ are met. That’s not love. It’s about what is reflected at him by the woman, how he is made to feel. It’s transactional. Hey I must be a sexy man, I can pull a 20 year old, I feel x/y/z. Love is an action, it’s a daily choice even when times are hard. Her youth and beauty aren’t what makes him a good partner. He was attracted to her but her youth and beauty cannot increase his honesty, reliability, trustworthiness or integrity. As he has now proven. You are the prize here op.

Even if he wasn’t cheating he didn’t have the strength to say my wife is struggling, I feel like shit, I’m going to drag her to counselling and do my best to reconnect as I committed to doing that.

You can’t make someone cheat. (And we know for sure he is a cheat). Nothing my husband does can ‘make’ me cheat. I choose to break my word, vows and integrity OR I choose to keep my word, vows and integrity. He can’t make me cheat or be faithful - impossible as I am faithful for me. He is my collateral damage. And currently your ex has 5 people who are his immediate collateral damage.

Does he admit he is currently cheating? What’s his excuse? Who does he blame? Or does he say it isn't cheating (as his penis isn’t involved)? THAT would be an interesting conversation and may tell you a fair bit about him.

Sorry op. I’m sorry you are in this situation and I wish you all the best. You are the prize here. Focus on that.

Oh and one more thing make sure you are dressed up, looking fab and on your way out next time you see him. Then you can avoid these chats. Even if you just go to the library or an art gallery or a coffee shop, ‘Enjoy your weekend with the kids Dave - sorry I’m in a bit of a rush, no time to chat’.

He has 24/7 children - you don’t - make the most of your free time. Let him enjoy the ‘freedom’ he so desperately wanted.

‘The freedom that you wanted bad, is yours for good, I hope it lasts’ The Beautiful South.

I think he's really messing with your head and it's up to you to make a separation to where he can't keep dumping on you and using you as his emotional tampon because that's what he's doing

I think if you're going to feel better about this you're going to have to make some firm boundaries with him and just stop talking to him other than pick up and drop off and if somebody else can do that for you that would be even better so you don't have to see him or talk to him for a while.

It seems like he's taking up far too much of your head space that he should be.

@DBD1975 @FairyMaclary @grinandslothit I think yous are all correct. I genuinely believed him, I really did think he was feeling all this turmoil about me but I think it's all been an act. I think it was all being said to me to keep me sweet and to keep me holding on until HE got to decide who he could see a future with.

I told him yesterday morning its probably best we stop contacting each other the way we are and disclosing feelings the way we have been because it's not fair. That he has me very confused and has himself confused. That's he's made a family with this girl and in a full blown relationship yet telling me all these things and basically filling me with false hope and false words. I actually apologised and said I'm sorry that I made you feel unloved or unwanted and he couldn't have been more wrong and he shouldn't have left the way he did when the going got tough. All I've got from sending that message was a crying emoji and one sentence back saying "I wish I had known that at the time" (,that I loved him) that's all he has said to me and I haven't heard from him since.

I dont know why I stupidly thought he'd plead with me or say no I don't want to lose contact with you or send me a better response back. That's all he said and seems to be quite happily backing off and so easily for someone who's been telling me they don't want to let go of me. There wasno fight from him, no pleading, nothing. I feel like in some sense he's quite happy to do this compared to all the words he's told me and the tears I've watched and all the tiktok videos he was sending me. It's bizzare to me how he can go from that to total silence now. I feel like I've been used and then just discarded all over again. A big part of me is now realising it's all been total bs what he's been feeding me and I feel so stupid that I actually believed any of it. I really did believe he felt conflicted, I believed it that much that I thought if he seen me starting to pull away and put my foot down he'd declare all sorts even more, but he hasn't. It seems quite easy for him probably because he does have the other girl to fall back on,he's not living the lonely existence I am or the same type of pain he left me in. He just gets to by pass all of that by moving on so suddenly and just having someone else fill my void where as he's left this massive void in my life and the thoughts of being with anyone else petrify me and make my stomach sink compared to how he's able to just walk away and start all over with someone else. I cant even imagine being so intimate with another man and that's almost 2 yrs on from him, whereas with a week he was with someone else 😭

I'm not really sure why he's been leading me on like this. But if he was genuine with all the stuff he's told me then I think he'd have put up some sort of fight for me when he sees I'm pulling back now, I thought fear would've kicked in to him that he'd have thought omg she's pulling away here and I can't lose her. But it hasn't, he seems at peace enough. So I'm actually in tears knowing all of this because realisation has hit me that it's all been absolute crap and he's been totally using me and I feel sick knowing he's just used the woman who give him years and years of her life, he knows I'd have probably taken him back If that's what he really wanted, he got me emotionally invested again and then can just so easily discard me once more. How can you do that to someone you've spent most of your life with and been through so much with. How can he not feel like shit realising that he keeps hurting me over and over again?

I cant believe I fell for it all, I can't believe he's used the woman who give up her world for him and he just let my world crumble by pulling the rug from beneath my feet. Not had a dickie bird from him since, compared to him basically being in touch every day. It was all absolute bs. I just don't understand what he felt he had to gain from it all if he genuinely doesn't mind losing me, why did he bother telling me all this in first place I don't get it. Either way looks like that's the end of his games now. He's just proved it to me by not even trying to put up a fight. I don't mean as much as what he convinced me to believe. I'm angry at myself and feel so stupid and upset. He had no intention of coming back like he says I judtdont understand why he bothered saying and doing all of this to me. I'm such a big believer in karma but I'm slowly losing that belief. I cant believe he broke me to absolute bits and tore my world away from me, but he got rewarded with a new girlfriend a new baby and new life and hasn't had to sit in the pain and misery that I did. He walked from one family straight into another. I on the otherhand lost my family, my relationship, my whole world, I was threw into a pit of depression got dealt a hand of fighting cancer and he just gets to swan off and live a happy life yet he's caused total destruction to a woman's life who give him years of her life and love 😭😭 where is karma, where is muly justice esp because he's led me down a merry go round as well making me believe certain things. How has he got away with this, how has he been rewarded all this loveliness after completely destroying someone. I hate him for doing this to me. He has totally ruined me after all of this

He can move on but he's caused that much destruction to me that I really can't see myself recovering from. I'm not sure ill ever trust another soul again or get close to anyone again because after 20 years and fighting to give him children I can be so easily abandoned like I wasn't a massive part of his life from teens to our late 30s. I'll never be able to do what he's doing and just open myself up to another relationship ever again. He's caused massive damage to me,to my confidence and my self esteem and how I look at myself 😔 Yet he just gets a whole new lovely life while I try to pick myself up from the gutter. I'm just disgusted but I'm disgusted at myself that I allowed it as well. I feel weak

Please, please, please read over all the posts and draw strength from what everyone is saying. You are not foolish you have now seen him for what he is. Praise the lord he is sticking with OW for now although I have some sympathy for her.

If you can cut off contact, leave him alone and not settle for any more of his bs you get the award for the strongest woman on here in my view. Think about divorce proceedings and sorting out finances.

Karma will come it always does, you might have to wait a long time for it, possibly years but please trust me it will.

Try and turn the situation around and start thinking of your new life as something to look forward to, try and find some time for yourself and try out some new things, ask your family to support you more to carve out some time for you.

You are no longer the victim here, I have a very good inspirational quote which says 'I would rather accommodate my life to your absence than tolerate your disrespect'. I think this is very true of your circumstances.

Please continue to post and keep us all updated because we are all in your corner and we all care about you, you will get through this and there will be better times ahead, I promise x

I really don't understand what I've done so wrong in this life to face what I've had to face and still face @DBD1975

I live in a very small town where I run into them quite a bit and over this weekend they're moving into a house that's a 2 mins drive from me, I have to pass it to do my shopping, the school runs, go to the park with the kids or to my family etc. I'm driving past and seeing them move stuff in and I come back to the place he made a home with me in, that we spent the last 16 yrs in. Memories of him etched all over the place, he's like a ghost here.
I still think I'm going to see him walking around the house or doing things or hearing him. I feel totally haunted. I've considered moving because I'm finding it very hard not to reminse here. Especially when the kids go to bed and everything goes quiet and I'm sitting here with my thoughts or when they go to him on his weekends. I feel totally left behind in this home trying to rebuild a life in a place that holds so many memories and so much pain now. I put off moving because of my treatment and because he talked me out of leaving here by telling me its the kids home and if I leave I need to sign the lease over to him so the kids still have this place or incase we did manage to work things out. Don't think he cares or realises I'm struggling living here with his ghost and that a new place that has no attachment to it would probably be better for me.
I hate being inside these 4 walls now. This was a place I was happy in and built my life in, now when I walk into it I just want to fall to my knees I cry. I've faced so much in these 4 walls and the house probably still keeps me attached to him. I've put on a mask in front of the kids when they joyfully talk about daddy and the new gf and their new sibling but inside I'm totally distraught and I'm glad my children are happy and too young to realise what their mum has been going through but a small tiny part of me wishes they could see how this really must have been for me and how their dad just left our family and basically made a new one and how that has shattered me to the core. The kids just think their dad is amazing and so they should, he's still their dad but I wish they really understood that he just up and left their mum and destroyed me inside. Sometimes I wish they could see what he's caused and be angry at him and understand how much its put me through and then the health stuff as well. I'm obviously delighted my children haven't been affected by all the massive changes that have took place around them and I'm so proud of them but that small part of me wishes they could see how strong I've had to be when ultimately I wanted to give up but didn't for them

I’m so sorry you’re having to process this all again and feel new hurt in old patterns. Ultimately though this experience is a gift. You no longer have to think about if you’re at fault for the end of the relationship or if things could work in the future. You now know he’s an absolute toad and you’ve had a lucky escape. Now you have to draw a line under it. If closure means a new home then look in to it. You don’t need to be haunted at home. Also prioritise self esteem work. Overcoming low self esteem is an amazing book, like do it yourself therapy. Also try to reflect on your life and how full it is and what might be missing, with the aim of filling it. Fill it with people you love and fun and laughter. Make plans to look forward to. One day this will all be a distant memory.

Op there’s a book by Kamil Ravikant called ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’. You can buy it on the kindle and it’s a quick read. You must do the exercise daily but it will help rewrite your thought processes. When you feel a bit daft doing them, chuckle and keep going.

Forgiveness is often mentioned when people are struggling. You need to work on forgiving Yourself not old greengrass but YOU. You did the best you could with the resources you had.

Write a list of your values. Why they are important and how you show them. Then live by them daily. Keep a journal. Living by your values will help your self esteem.

You are loyal, trusting, have integrity and are faithful. They sound like pretty shit hot traits to me.

Old green grass is a liar, lacks integrity, takes advantage and is selfish - your values no longer aline. And that is okay. He may be good looking or funny but with those traits he isn’t a life partner.

The only gift you will get from this is working out your values, your passions and reconnecting with yourself. Living by your values daily.

I can hear your despair. If you can afford a counsellor do get one. If not find a friend who is sympathetic. If not write down your feelings every day and burn it if you need to. You need to process your grief and not stuff it down. You need to repeat and repeat and repeat - especially the bits that make you cry or angry. Repeat them until they fade.

All the best. You really are the prize. Until you realise that keep working on you. Try that book.

OP - don't keep thinking that he has it all. He doesn't, he really doesn't.
He has messed you around because deep down he knows he's made a mistake but now he has to try to stick with it. Just because you think he's happy, it doesn't mean he is.
Concentrate on your kids, who will work it all out one day, and on yourself. Things will get better.
Re: the house. Maybe decorate if you can or buy a few things just to make it feel like yours.
Keep going, remember how strong you are. Xxx

I’m sorry this is such a shit time for you OP. It is breathtaking how quickly some people tend to be able to move on. Years ago I had an ex like this. Saying he wanted me still but couldn’t leave pregnant gf. Thank goodness I binned him off. He still pops up now and again with his BS. I ignore. And a few years ago one left me and was with someone the next day (same town saw them together). So painful. happy to report they looked miserable together fairly quickly.

Regarding him telling you where you can live and guilt tripping about DCs’ home. He can fuck off. He’s the one moving them to a new place 50% of the time.
So can you if you want to.
If he tries any of this shit again you say ‘please make that the last time you try to tell me what to do. I hope that’s clear and we can continue to coparent amicably’.

You have to toughen up the grey rock to protect yourself. Ironically it will make him like you more. Be prepared for that.

I would seriously consider moving if you can. Have somewhere for you and DC that he doesn’t feel entitled to visit in the same way he does now. If not, redecorate, declutter, move things round. He’ll hate it. If there is anything of his at all left in there get rid. If he did any crap DIY or hung a picture you hate get rid.

Agree with PP that counselling would be a good idea. Try ringing Samaritans on really hard days. They are great.

Also it may look happy from the outside for exDP but it likely isn’t. Not sure how much she will enjoy every other weekend with 3 small DC. Probably cause a few rows between them. But who cares? He’s ruined what you had anyway now. It would never be the same. Time to move forward.

Also I expect he has 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance? You get 50% time to focus on you and your home and exciting new things. He doesn’t. He has 100% of the time expectations from a partner and DC. You are going to grow so much. He’ll hate this also.

And in answer to your question, you did nothing to deserve this. Life isn’t fair at all. All you can do is make the absolute best with what life throws your way. Put your healing health and happiness first. This will also put DC first. You will be OK OP but you have a few more shit months to go. I find it helps to set a date after which I am not allowed to mope or mull or cry after them. Could you maybe decide July 1st is your date?

💐

This man left you when you had two very young children. He wasn't supportive of you at that time, which suggests his heart wasn't in your relationship. Good men dont do that.

Then he went straight into the arms of another woman and got her pregnant.

Then he came back with tears?! Probably all about him, more so than anything else.

There are so many more men in the world who will treat you as you should be treated. Please dont go back.

He really is a total idiot, he wants you to sign the lease on your property over to him 'in case you work things out'. He is so messing with your head, just dangling these little comments to give you hope and keep you hanging on.
Speak to your children if they are happy to move I think it would be a really good idea.
My ex still lives in the house we brought together 40 years ago which I find totally unbelievable.
When we split up no-one else was involved but I instigated the break up, my ex was suicidal at the time, it was so hard I did what I could to support him but he just kept asking me to go back, seriously I have never seen anybody in such a state emotional it was dreadful. Move on 6 months he met someone else moved her into what was our home and he remarried as soon as we divorced, went on to have two children and is very happy, which is exactly what I wanted for him. I was on my own for several years and then met my current partner and we are very happy.
The point I am trying to make is I know you are broken and I know you are grieving but you won't feel like this forever. Give it time and you will see your husband for what he is and you will also realise your own worth.
It is right not to let your children know of your heartbreak, they have been through a lot, as hard as it is please continue to protect them.
My sister was left on her own with a young baby daughter and went through hell. A couple of years ago her daughter stood up at her wedding, with her father there (my sister's ex) and made a speech all about my sister and how she had had to bring her up on her own and everything she had done for her without a mention of her father. Your kids will work it out themselves once they are old enough, in the meantime please just suck it up.
Being in your thirties is not old, trust me, life has dealt you a rubbish hand but you have 2 lovely children and a supportive family who must be worried sick about you. Please talk to them about making a move and see what they think and what advice they give you. To be honest I am surprised they haven't told FF to F* off on your behalf, I am not sure I could see you go through all of this and not get involved.
When we are little girls we all dream about meeting the prince who is going to come and rescue us and we are going to live happily ever after. Sadly the reality is much different, life is messy and as I say you have been given a very bad deal and you have ever right to be angry. However please turn that anger into thinking how you can rescue yourself from this situation, because you can and you will.

You’ve definitely done the right thing by taking control.
I think @Catoo gives some really good advice.
The sun will shine again for you it really will, but you need time 💐

You talk about how nasty you were and are taking on a burden of responsibility for him leaving. Can you analyse what you did or said that you believe (or have been led to believe) was "nasty" and think hard about whether you really were.

Were you tired and post-natal with the big new responsibility of a baby so did not have time for him in the same way as before? - is this nasty or normal? Were you short with him when he did not step up to help you? - is this nasty or to be expected?

He says I made him feel unneeded, unwanted and unloved after I had the children. This too is normal - most men know that when their partners are tied up with the challenges and the hormonal mood changes of birth that things will change substantially - they are hopefully grown up enough to weather this phase and provide the support that is needed.

Your ex partner is trying to keep his options open - to have his cake and eat it. As long as he can keep you thinking you were responsible for him leaving, he can keep you on a string. Only HE was responsible for leaving. And only HE was responsible for impregnating another woman immediately.

And in the meantime he has some other poor woman with a child on a similar string.

You need to be the one to cut the string. You need a new life. You have overcome cancer; now is the time to grab the opportunity for a new life that this offers you. As long as you entertain the idea that you could be a happy family, you will go on being upset and confused. You need clarity and a firm decision.

It is hard to make this happen as you want to be good co-parents; but you can do this by cutting off any conversation that is not about the children.