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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone tell me about how they got over the person they thought was the one?

64 replies

December2023NC · 07/12/2023 20:00

Really struggling right now. My amazing relationship ended this week, out of the blue. I can't even find any negatives to focus on. It was a better relationship than I ever thought I'd have, that gave me a whole new view on how good love can be and how much joy life can offer. And now it's over and I am in so much pain.

I would really appreciate any similar situations where there ended up being any hope or light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/12/2023 20:07

Well, if there were no negatives to this person or this relationship then you have the reassurance that you’re capable of building good relationships and selecting good partners who bring you joy, and that you’re well placed to do that again with somebody new. Rather than focusing on nebulous concepts like “the one”, focus on what you’ve learned from this stage of your life about who you are when in and out of relationships, and what that tells you about what you want from your next partner.

And meanwhile - lick your wounds, concentrate on creating a busy social calendar to fill the gaps that you’ll obviously feel your partner has left, enjoy being single and on your own for a while.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 07/12/2023 20:46

I'm going to sound like a dick but if it ended, then he wasn't the one.
You don't give much info but:

  • time
  • NC
  • be kind to yourself
  • do fun things
But probably time
Original poster
December2023NC · 07/12/2023 20:49

Thank you. I don't mean the one like soulmates or anything like that - just the first partner I ever really saw myself growing old with, just a different level from the others. I also don't think it really shows I know how to choose well, as evidently this relationship has ended and being left by a good man feels a hell of a lot worse than being left by bad or just incompatible ones in the past. It's so hard when everything reminds me of him.

OP posts:
OfcourseitsaNC · 07/12/2023 20:51

No contact. No contact. No contact.

I wish I could take my own advice.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 07/12/2023 20:52

There's LOADS of self blame going on here, which doesn't sound merited. I don't believe in soul mates either, but do believe people leave people for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they're nothing to do with the partner. I can't help you, as I don't know the specifics, but make sure you have the support of friends, therapy if needed and time. Honestly.

Original poster
December2023NC · 07/12/2023 20:54

I don't want to go into detail but it's basically that he moved on too fast from his previous relationship and doesn't love me like I love him.

OP posts:
TheClitterati · 07/12/2023 20:59

It sounds super cheesy but time plus letting yourself "let it go".

I used a visual - when I was overthinking or ruminating I would visualise blowing up a balloon and letting it go, or when I felt more angry/energetic the guy with the baseball bat at the end of "I had trouble in getting to Solla sollou" lives in my brain and smashes the thoughts out of my brain like a baseball. Effective!

Chelsea543 · 07/12/2023 21:00

What you can take from this is that you were in the right space for a relationship and you entered a loving one - you can do that again, this time with a man who loves you back.

For him as with a lot of men he rushed things too quickly - this now does not make him perfect for you as he can’t ever love you so he is not the ideal man. You wouldn’t want to stay in this relationship having him never love you would you?

So whilst you may think he was perfect and the relationship was perfect it really wasn’t if he was hung up on his past and not ready for something new. I’ve been there too and it hurts like hell but at least you found out now than years later.

eurochick · 07/12/2023 21:06

Time. A lot of it. It will pass but it might not be soon. Come to terms with that and move forward feeling sad but putting one foot in front of the other.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 07/12/2023 21:07

Everyone is right. Stop looking at him and the relationship as perfect, please as it sounds like he treated you rather poorly.
Increase your self-esteem - easier said than done, I know - because he doesn't get to make you sad.
And it will get better. I know this as I was as heartbroken as you and now I'm dancing around my room and I'm sort of indifferent to my ex who I cried myself to sleep over for a year. I was exactly the same btw. I pedestal-ed him and actually that creature was lucky to have me.

C1N1C · 07/12/2023 21:08

You don't. I still think about them, and have for 20 years.

WelshFionaThePlasticSurgeryGorgon · 07/12/2023 21:18

Gosh there have been so many - it hurts for a while, you eventually get over it and start again. At the bottom of it all, I love myself most and that is what always makes me bounce back.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 07/12/2023 21:18

Bless you. No advice here, but I can share. On-off relationship that grew out of a friendship. He wrote me love letters and said he’d never wanted to marry before but I made him want to consider it. We had a brilliant relationship during the together bits and the apart bits I chalked up to my being quite difficult, with MH problems.

It took me three years (yes I know) to get over it - sounds like a long time but I was dealing with a hell of a lot of other stuff at the same time. I’m still not totally over it. It took me learning that the ex had been informing my best friend he was in love with someone other than me several months before he initiated the arguments that led to the breaks. Every time. He’s now marrying one of my best friends from uni.

I am now with one of the most decent young men you could wish to meet. He’s not as romantic or as Byronic but he’s kind, honest and clever (and very pretty). It isn’t the most PC advice but there will be someone for you OP.

Original poster
December2023NC · 07/12/2023 22:34

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 07/12/2023 21:07

Everyone is right. Stop looking at him and the relationship as perfect, please as it sounds like he treated you rather poorly.
Increase your self-esteem - easier said than done, I know - because he doesn't get to make you sad.
And it will get better. I know this as I was as heartbroken as you and now I'm dancing around my room and I'm sort of indifferent to my ex who I cried myself to sleep over for a year. I was exactly the same btw. I pedestal-ed him and actually that creature was lucky to have me.

Thank you - can I ask how you eventually did get over him?

OP posts:
Original poster
December2023NC · 07/12/2023 22:36

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 07/12/2023 21:18

Bless you. No advice here, but I can share. On-off relationship that grew out of a friendship. He wrote me love letters and said he’d never wanted to marry before but I made him want to consider it. We had a brilliant relationship during the together bits and the apart bits I chalked up to my being quite difficult, with MH problems.

It took me three years (yes I know) to get over it - sounds like a long time but I was dealing with a hell of a lot of other stuff at the same time. I’m still not totally over it. It took me learning that the ex had been informing my best friend he was in love with someone other than me several months before he initiated the arguments that led to the breaks. Every time. He’s now marrying one of my best friends from uni.

I am now with one of the most decent young men you could wish to meet. He’s not as romantic or as Byronic but he’s kind, honest and clever (and very pretty). It isn’t the most PC advice but there will be someone for you OP.

What a horrible person! Do you think you would have got over him to the extent you have if you hadn't found out any of that stuff?

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/12/2023 22:36

C1N1C · 07/12/2023 21:08

You don't. I still think about them, and have for 20 years.

Me too.

28 years later. I still think of him every day.

DGPP · 07/12/2023 22:38

No contact with them. Time.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 07/12/2023 22:45

@December2023NC I’m not completely over him yet, to be totally honest. My current DP is wonderful and I love him so much. But re my ex. The proof of his not loving me well didn’t negate the fact that I was so in love with him. But it does stop hurting as much over time, I promise you. I don’t want to be dishonest with you so I’m not going to say it’s quick or easy but you DO have the strength to get through this and there’s someone out there for you.

Original poster
December2023NC · 07/12/2023 22:50

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 07/12/2023 22:45

@December2023NC I’m not completely over him yet, to be totally honest. My current DP is wonderful and I love him so much. But re my ex. The proof of his not loving me well didn’t negate the fact that I was so in love with him. But it does stop hurting as much over time, I promise you. I don’t want to be dishonest with you so I’m not going to say it’s quick or easy but you DO have the strength to get through this and there’s someone out there for you.

I understand this. His not loving me isn't enough to stop me loving him; it's the horrible reason why we can't be together, but it's not the sort of reason you can take any comfort from and focus on to help you move on, like "he had an awful temper" or "he never prioritised the relationship" or anything like that. He was a fantastic partner.

OP posts:
TisTheDarnSeason · 07/12/2023 23:04

Time. Lots of it. It took me years to get over that relationship, but I'm very, very happily married to The Actual One now.

It hurt like hell at the time and I think I actually went a little bit bonkers for a while afterwards. I beat myself up and obsessed a fair bit. Now, in hindsight, I can see that the previous relationship would never have been right, not in the way my marriage to DH definitely is.

He (the old boyfriend) pops up on my social media now and again (he's mildly famous in some circles) and whenever I see him I think, 'Ahhh, good on you for making a success of things' but that's about it! One day you'll feel that sense of peaceful detachment too, I promise.

fulawitt · 07/12/2023 23:25

You don't. True love does not die. You learn from the relationship. Hopefully you find someone else and you build something splendid. It's a good way to honour your past. It's like being a widow. The relationship has stopped and there is no going back but you had something genuine, which is of great value. You are completely changed from this experience but in a good way. All the best OP.

Watchkeys · 07/12/2023 23:28

being left by a good man feels a hell of a lot worse than being left by bad or just incompatible ones in the past

But why do you think he was so good? Some of the relationship at least must have been fake, from his side, mustn't it? Or did he love you last week and now he doesn't? And what would that say about him? 'Great bloke'? Not really.

I had one like this. Eventually, I saw the relationship as a lie, and my ex as a deceiver. I'm glad to be out of it. Who would want to be with someone who can turn so quickly? I wouldn't want to get back together, once that method of ending a relationship had happened. It's so disrespectful to act like everything is fine, then suddenly drop a bombshell.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 07/12/2023 23:56

How I got over him? Mainly time tbh. Took ages. I was blindsided too and thought our relationship was great and he just ended things - I still don't know why, but I'm not really searching for answers anymore. I realised he was not a "good man" because he wouldn't have stayed with me for as long as he did, pretending to love me, if he was. I think I was convenient for him and because I wouldn't treat someone like that it was quite eye-opening to realise other people would and could.

I have a more objective view of our relationship now and while he wasn't all bad, he certainly was uncompromising and selfish. I deserved better but it took me a long time to realise that, I blamed myself entirely.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 08/12/2023 00:05

It's like @Watchkeys says and if the relationship was of any period of time and you're of a significant age, which it sounds like you are, it's shit because you've basically been led up the garden path by some man who has changed their mind effectively overnight. But that's not a brilliant relationship. That's a failing relationship which you had no idea was failing, so don't blame yourself. You're not a mindreader so how can you know there's problems unless he tells you? Relationships require work and he just pissed off. That's on him. It's not like you're a widow because this person has absolutely told you with their behaviour they are not who you thought they were.

Panaa · 08/12/2023 00:11

C1N1C · 07/12/2023 21:08

You don't. I still think about them, and have for 20 years.

Why on earth would you say this to someone when their breakup was only a few days ago?