Can anyone tell me about how they got over the person they thought was the one?

[December2023NC]

Really struggling right now. My amazing relationship ended this week, out of the blue. I can't even find any negatives to focus on. It was a better relationship than I ever thought I'd have, that gave me a whole new view on how good love can be and how much joy life can offer. And now it's over and I am in so much pain.

I would really appreciate any similar situations where there ended up being any hope or light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.

I never did :(

You have to take them off that high pedestal you've placed him on.

You placed him above yourself.

How? Write down every rotten thing he did to you. Every time he made you cry. Every lie he told you. Then read it every time you miss him or have nostalgia.

Then he just becomes a flawed guy you once knew not some special person that he never was.

No contact, block them on everything and essentially, time. Sounds clichéd but it's true.
Also do not talk about him too much to others, or try to analyse what went wrong, as it just keeps the heartbreak alive.
Keep yourself busy and every time the thought of him pops into your head mentally swat it away.
It's hard now but you will get over it, and the day will come when you don't think about him at all.

Well, he may:

• lack self-awareness, which would make him an awful partner anyway, no matter who he ends up with. Such people do a lot of emotional harm with an innocent smile/surprising look on their faces (‘but I had good intentions! Poor me! I want the best for you’) or
• lack empathy - again, an inevitable emotional harm sooner or later

And yes, some people may say it’s about the right timing or the right person but any decent, self aware person would know it early on, and not lead the other one down the relationship path.

OP - you may not see it yet but you may have just had a lucky escape!

Also be aware that he may pop up again. I would advise against going back. Always move forward!

I am still reading this and still no further on from my ex. I loved him and still love him and every single day something reminds me of him and I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and then the tears come. Im just lost without him.

Guys, if you can’t get over someone I’m afraid the most well-intentioned and correct advice in the world won’t help.
Others who are in the club of having been left and can’t get over, time helps, eventually. I don’t even know if this is good advice but avoiding things that might directly trigger me also helped. My most recent ex was a musician so I just stopped reading culture pages because I didn’t want to be reminded of him and the fact that he was collaborating with my ex-extremely good friend a week after he left me) and the first time I read that part of the newspaper again was promptly rewarded with the news that HIS absolute bastard best friend had received an award for scoring a film.
I am DEFINITELY not suggesting going on the rebound although if casual sex is your thing and you can do it safely and without getting hurt even more, it’s not for me to say no. But honestly the thing that’s helped me is to pour extra love into my friendships and (in all three cases years afterwards during which I’d been working on myself, though I’m still in progress) coming across men who were better than the previous one. I really think the current one is the real deal. Unfortunately often men who aren’t very good partners are very good at fostering trauma bonds and getting you attached before they discard you and those who are already vulnerable are, well, more vulnerable to their tricks. That doesn’t make it your fault and you are not bad people. Keep repeating that if nothing else. I promise it does go away eventually. It’s not going to be tomorrow and I don’t want to belittle your pain at all. Just one foot in front of the other, try to take some joy in the things that aren’t related, try to let go of hope (sounds counterintuitive but hoping they’re coming back is absolutely shite).xx

Of course it will - it's only been a month or so? It can take a long time. Find the love you have for yourself. Start planning things for yourself - little things like a day out window shopping or a walk or whatever. Fake it until you feel it.

One thing that helped me aside from all the useful tips already here was to stop myself from assuming any of his thoughts or feelings. I was driving myself mad thinking of happier times and then thinking "he was lying the whole time" or imagining that he was miserable during our whole relationship.
Once I stopped doing that, I felt so much less distressed. Yes, I was more confused but realised that the confusion didnt matter that much - what was important was that we weren't going to be together and I need to make my peace with that (cue: watching my favourite comfort shows to sleep for months, drinking a decent amount of wine with my best friends, and eating like a pig for a couple of weeks )
A few years later I received a letter explaining everything, so the confusion was finally gone - but by that point I really didn't need it.

Good luck to you

Yes I agree - none of this "if I am thinking of him then it means he is thinking of me " nonsense.

I myself have been taken aback by how much of my headspace my emotionally unavailable ex has taken up in my brain
putting aside the great chemistry , I know 100%’he wasn't good for me
so why cant my brain just stop 🛑 ?

my solace is knowing that I’m not alone
social media alone shows millions of people who have the same issue

it’s being a human

the last time I felt like this I was younger and I left the country , worked abroad and managed to meet someone else

what I can see if that at both times i was having a tough time in real life
and that the relationships provided an escape from that

we are all different but this feeling of not being able to get someone out of your head is so shit and so so so common

Make a list of all their negative traits, habits and behaviours. Think of them whenever you think of him.

Aww OP I feel your pain, similar happened to me 15 years ago (😢) and he was truly the love of my life. Even though I've got on with it and don't feel any pain now, I'm always aware of what I lost and I've never been the same since. He married and had a baby within a year and doubt he's thought of me once since. It's incredible the way he gave me the best years of my life, utter happiness yet I just wasn't that much of a deal to him.
The gut wrenching pain did ease after a few months and I kept myself busy. Sadly I've never met anyone else but most people do x

Thanks again for all the posts. I am feeling much better now than when I started the thread. No contact and realising that I didn't want someone who wasn't open about how they're feeling have helped the most. Sorry to anyone else who can relate to the subject of this thread.

Time definitely.... and find something different to occupy your mind from now onwards.