Can anyone tell me about how they got over the person they thought was the one?

[December2023NC]

Really struggling right now. My amazing relationship ended this week, out of the blue. I can't even find any negatives to focus on. It was a better relationship than I ever thought I'd have, that gave me a whole new view on how good love can be and how much joy life can offer. And now it's over and I am in so much pain.

I would really appreciate any similar situations where there ended up being any hope or light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.

I still don't know why, but I'm not really searching for answers anymore

Yes, @EllieBellieSmellie1 This is a big part of it. Realising that only an arsehole would do this, and so I would never understand it, because I'm not an arsehole. So much easier to deal with once you knock them off their pedestal. I realised quite a few things afterwards, too, that weren't very nice, but I hadn't wanted to admit it to myself at the time. Small dismissals of my feelings, quite a few episodes of extreme and rude lateness that I was expected to just brush off... things that make a person not quite so amazing, once you take your 'the one' glasses off.

One day at a time, and if they want you back they will message or text ect

I decided to leave him and get on with life. This was because he wasn't who I thought he was, and the reality wasn't someone I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I ghosted him which I would not usually do in a long term relationship, but he disclosed stuff about his past that made my jaw drop. He would have talked me around if I had allowed him any channel of communication. This was because I have been feeling a bit vulnerable with a recent cancer diagnosis. We went on holiday before the split, and he revealed stuff about his past that I didn't like the sound of at all (extreme previous criminality, a prior marriage he failed to discuss for 2 years of our relationship, political views that I find revolting etc). I felt that he hid a lot of himself in the dating phase of our relationship, upon reflection. When I got home, I felt relief that it was all over, and then I got diagnosed with cancer out of the blue. He doesn't know about that and has tried to get in touch by the one way I forgot to block. I refuse to speak to him. Having a serious diagnosis gives you a whole new layer of opportunity to reflect on what you want from life, from the future and your expectations of other people. I don't regret leaving him, but have resigned myself to remaining single for the rest of my life. I could not put myself through the disappointment, upset and confusion of separating from someone I thought was the one love of my life. In many ways, it has been more torture than the cancer surgery.

I wish there was a magic pill but the only thing i truly found helped was Time and accepting that it really was over and no waiting for them to one back etc.
You need to go through it to get through it so feel what you feel and don't bottle it up.
It really does hurt though but one day it won't hurt quite as much
Big hugs

It will happen as fast or as slowly as YOU decide. You have power and agency here. You emotions are not in charge, you are, your emotions are not all of you, just one aspect. Choose a valid reason that makes sense to you to close the chapter. Direct your attention to something else important to you, like your mental and physical well being. Consciously mute the emotions, whilst you focus on something else.

You may not be good at it at first, but practice makes perfect. It worked for me.

Sorry, I know I’m posting for the second time, just wanted to add a thought.
I’ve mainly experienced conditional familial love and all of my relationships except the current one have ended very suddenly. I have huge trust difficulties as a result even though I’m really naturally trusting - it took me twelve years to realise one of my closest friends wouldn’t leave me during a difficult time because my family and boyfriends all have. Have you considered counselling OP, or therapy? It would give you a place to talk at worst and maybe some real tools to deal with your feelings at best.

It just takes time. You focus on their flaws and annoying habits.
That helps knock them off the pedestal.

Sadly, you're just going to have to give it time. My relationship ended in February - I loved him dearly, but he was a dickhead, so I left.

I was in extreme emotional pain for months and I ruminated on things for thousands of hours. 10 months on I am much better. He pops into my head a handful of times a day. I liken this to feeling a tickling sensation on my arm and looking down to see a large spider. I would not wish the spider any harm, but I would react with distaste and flick it away. That's what I do with the thought.

Time - and it really does heal!!!

I was seriously heartbroken when my first husband and I divorced, thought I'd never cope. Now the idea of being married to him seems barmy and I'd hate it! 🤣

Hi OP, I have a thread up where I had to break up with the man I thought I'd be marrying when I learnt he didn't feel the same way. So can empathise with your feelings.

What helped me was realising that he couldn't be the one as he didn't meet the most important criteria for me - seeing me as his 'one'. It absolutely sucks when someone you want to build a future with doesn't reciprocate your feelings, so I've found the best way to deal is by reminding myself that not every relationship is supposed to be for a lifetime. That it's the rejection that hurts coupled with mourning the loss of a dream - but those aren't a reflection of you but a reflection of the relationship (I.e individually you're both great, but together not so much).

Then going no contact - muting or removing them on social media as well for a clean break. No messaging or small talk. This is key to your recovery as you can't get over someone who's still in your life, and you're holding onto even a tiny bit of hope. Not even messages to wish merry Xmas or happy new year. Maybe one day when you've moved on you can have that contact but not now.

Mostly I think that being single for a few years while I wait for the right relationship is a small % of the 80 years or so I'll be living. So I don't need to feel hopeless. And just like I got over ex partners with time, I'll do the same here.

Then allow yourself a fixed period to mope at home without judging yourself. And then throw yourself into work or a hobby or a project - something new and different that takes all your focus and attention. Stay off social media too as it can make you feel a lot worse looking at people's highlight reels while you're living your worst life. Pamper yourself, it's cliche but eating and sleeping well, dressing yourself up even when you want to spend all day in pyjamas can really improve your mood. I also watch a lot of crime and horror movies with single female bad ass characters.

Almost all of those posts seem to find something wrong with the man. Well, sometimes there is nothing wrong with the man, and sorry - it's the other party who indeed have shortfalls. And it is the right thing to stop things as soon as you see that it is not a match. There are Mr perfect out there (well good enough) as we know there are Mrs perfect out there. and it is gutting to know that you did not step up to the plate or were not ready. The good news is that you can do better next time. The other good news is, you are able do detect and define what a good man is to you, the good news is this type of person is attracted to you as well. There is a good chance that in the future you will find the perfect match. Some people seem to keep making the same bad decisions through their lifetimes. As painful as it is you are almost there OP.

I was in an intense relationship in my late 20s and got dumped. I thought he was the love of my life and still thought about him even when I married someone else a few years later.

I then read about love bombing and ghosting and realised that had happened to me. Not ‘true love’ at all. He is quite a well known lawyer (not UK) and I believe he is possibly Narcissistic. He is still unmarried and childless in his 50s so likely he can’t form a lasting relationship with anyone.

OP there are loads of people out there. Just assure yourself there is someone out there for you. Probably your ex is incapable of forming a lasting relationship with anyone and being nice was just an act. It’s like your fantasy of a great relationship was projected onto him.

I am happily married to a much nicer, kind, generous and better looking man.

Thank you very much for all the experiences and advice.

I'm now going to sound like one of those annoying OPs who argues, for which I apologise. One of the things I'm really struggling with in this break up is that prior to this relationship, I stayed single for years on purpose to do all of the things the excellent advice above suggests. I looked back at past relationships, figured out what I needed to do differently to maintain a healthy one, and what I needed from a partner. I resolved not to enter into a relationship again until I was ready and until I had found someone who would be "worth it". The thought of having to do that all again just seems... impossible and pointless. I really did try my best in the relationship and don't have regrets about that, which is something I've never had before, but it also really hurts that my best wasn't enough.

Taking the time to be single and putting the work in AGAIN just feels like a sick joke. At the moment, I can't imagine wanting anyone else. There is nothing I feel I can now do etc. now that I'm single that I couldn't while I was with him, because we had such a supportive and warm relationship. God this hurts.

Went no contact including any social media stalking I was tempted to do. Trained myself whenever he crossed my mind to think of something else. But all that took time and energy. Allow yourself a few weeks being sad first, fine to grieve the relationship you thought you had.

Same. 30 years later and I still think of him.

@December2023NC I have no words of wisdom as going through the same myself. Like you I saw myself growing old with him and when the memories hit they hurt me until this morning when one memory hit and I smiled because it was a lovely memory and I am glad we had so many of them. Yes I still love him and still not over him but I know it will just take time. So hard when the person you love does not love you the same x

You are not arguing you are stating the facts and I believe you. It's fresh. It's hell. It is not always about drawing a new self, you might be perfectly adequate in every way, and he is mirroring but not true, so he stops the dance early on, and this is also very good for you. You did not waste too much time. Any relationship can end at any time for a lot of reasons. This will always be the case. The thing is : You are presumably young, so this is a war worth fighting for. You might cross his path again or not, you might find someone else. You have to go through the pain though, there is no way around it. Spend time with family and friends. Take diligently care of yourself. Next time do not try. Just be. Try to think of that person as a shadow of your perfect match. Be grateful that you had a positive encounter. If it was true love, at least on your part, it cannot and will not remain as a dark spot in your life but rather as something that radiates and helps your self actualization. So the beautiful soul that you are will be radiant again. All the best OP.

It's normal to feel the way you are. We are programmed to think that once you put in the work to grow/learn/develop etc - the reward is the right relationship/career etc. But the reward is really the resilience to know you've got the ability to survive it again. Life is dynamic - and change is constant. Even if you had met the perfect man and had the long term relationship - he could get sick/die/change completely and in 10/15/20 years you could break up and need to start again. It's more likely that over the next 30-40 years you'll have a lot of ups and downs, some of which may be a lot worse than this relationship ending. But because you did the work necessary to build yourself previously- you KNOW you can handle whatever life throws at you. When you focus on your growth as the reward rather than just a means to an end, you'll see this man as the small part of your life story that he really is.

Also it's easy to idealise him as a great partner but you forget - he doesn't love you the way he should. Which makes him more a friend than a partner. He's the 'almost' relationship- the closest to what you want. Not the 'right' relationship which is what you need to wait for. And ask yourself, if you could mind read and every time you shared a nice moment with him or enjoyed an activity together and he was thinking, "I wish OP was someone else" or "This would be more fun with someone else" or "OP deserves more than I can give her" - would you really think he was the 'one'? Focus on how he feels about you rather than how you feel about him - and just give it time.

Raises hand, me too. I still see him as we're 'friends'. I know I should be NC but we have a very intertwined circle. Both married to other people now but I don't think I'll ever really get over him. He lives in my head.
There's a Beverley Craven song called Loves Scenes, which has the lines;

I'd give anything, to turn back time.
Or get over you....

That's how I feel.

@December2023NC that is rubbish for you, and if the work’s been done there’s no point repeating it. As PPs have said, someone who is promising you the moon on a string one second and dropping you the next is clearly the one with the problem. It’s sadly your bad luck that you ended up with them.
So cliché but you have to kiss a lot of frogs etc. Maybe your next step should be to try a bit of casual dating so you get accustomed to not getting too attached and you might just come across a gem on your travels too? I haven’t done it but my DP has before we met, and he had a lot of fun without necessarily wanting to settle.

Stop all social media interaction / do not contact them or check on them at all. I really think time is the only thing and self worth to not bring yourself backwards.

I was completely loved up and making plans for the future unaware that my boyfriend at the time was done.
We went to view a house to rent and the lady was talking us through each room at jokes about the spare room being a walk in wardrobe for me... and he blurted out 'well I'll be moving here on my own'

That's literally how I found out he wanted to end the relationship. I was devastated and so embarrassed but it gets better. I had to break a lot of ties that included mutual friends etc

Thank you all for your posts. It's been more than a month now, no contact, and I feel a lot better about it. As many of you have said, he can't have been the right one for me long-term if he didn't feel the same, and the fact that I didn't see it coming at all isn't great as I'm open about my feelings and would prefer someone who was similar. I'm definitely not looking for someone else in the near future, but this has helped me realise some things about what I will be looking for once I am.

@bellsandwhistles333 By the way, that is absolutely shocking! So sorry he treated you like that.

Taking the time to be single and putting the work in AGAIN just feels like a sick joke

oh OP totally hear you there
maybe you just need to heal a bit from a broken heart 💔 and no extra work is needed
just crack on like every broken hearted poor fuxker , which is what you seem to be doing

that said - the reason you split is because he’s emotionally unavailable and not over his ex

so for the next one , for example , target people who arnt so recently divorced

Its really good that you detailed the great things that the relationship showed you. You just need to find someone else who can also make you happy but is ready for commitment. Time and no contact. Dont romanticise how great things were and check out these vids

Was it good because it was good? Or was it good because you didn't find it better before and you are still in love?

For the first, time will be your best friend.
For the second, time will help you to realise he wasn't that good and usually you need less of it.