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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you think this meant

89 replies

leemajor · 17/10/2023 17:32

My oh got annoyed about something small today and as they went out because they were saying stuff under breath I looked on camera after
And heard

'This whole house it's all backhanders'

What does anyone think my oh was getting at as obvious wasn't said to my face but said under breath when annoyed?

OP posts:
Original poster
leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:13

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:10

And having an open bag of dog shite in the house is pretty… foul

Yeah it was pretty gross.
Was just about to close bag but need a chance to do it. It had only just happened.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:13

Op what made you bring up the camera footage? Had you heard mutterings?

the thought of you then feverishly bringing up the footage and watching over and over and then starting a thread… is disturbing

RedHelenB · 17/10/2023 18:15

If I say something under my breath I wouldn't expect someone to use a spy camera to see what was said.

Original poster
leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:16

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:13

Op what made you bring up the camera footage? Had you heard mutterings?

the thought of you then feverishly bringing up the footage and watching over and over and then starting a thread… is disturbing

Yeah I must Be disturbed to put this on here👍👍😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:16

RedHelenB · 17/10/2023 18:15

If I say something under my breath I wouldn't expect someone to use a spy camera to see what was said.

A spy camera is a hidden camera.

OP posts:
Original poster
leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:19

Hey everyone I asked for some advice or opinions didn't expect a lot of nasty comments.
I've Got a lot going on at the moment so maybe think before you answer things even if you think they are weird or out of proportion be nice not sarcastic or snidey

OP posts:
OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 17/10/2023 18:20

Why don't you simply ask him?

sprigatito · 17/10/2023 18:26

I think in the context of a healthy adult relationship, either party should be allowed to mutter to themselves under their breath without the other party poring over cctv to try and work out what they said. If she'd wanted to say it to you and discuss it, she would have.

If I were your partner I would find this creepy and suffocating. I think if you are anxious/depressed enough to be forensically dissecting a throw-away grumble like this, you need to get some mental health support for yourself.

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:27

leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:19

Hey everyone I asked for some advice or opinions didn't expect a lot of nasty comments.
I've Got a lot going on at the moment so maybe think before you answer things even if you think they are weird or out of proportion be nice not sarcastic or snidey

Why on earth should I Be Nice if I think some should just ask their partner rather than rewatch camera footage unbeknownst to them.

It feels… wrong

and I won’t Be Nice if that means not telling you that I think you should ASK rather than be so sneaky

Original poster
leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:28

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 17/10/2023 18:20

Why don't you simply ask him?

They are out and i was asking what the phrase meant in context of how I wrote it earlier in thread.
Sometimes people come on here to ask as they don't want to directly ask their oh.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:29

Having a “lot on” does not entitle you to use camera footage to watch your partner so you can hear what they said under the breath without them knowing

i find that white distasteful actually and in her shoes… I’d be probably be thinking about scarpering

TitInATrance · 17/10/2023 18:29

Would it be a reference to ‘backhanded compliments’, which are nowadays often called negging? “You look much thinner in that dress” type of thing?

Mistressanne · 17/10/2023 18:34

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:29

Having a “lot on” does not entitle you to use camera footage to watch your partner so you can hear what they said under the breath without them knowing

i find that white distasteful actually and in her shoes… I’d be probably be thinking about scarpering

The oh knows there’s a camera and presumably realised the footage could be played back.
Muttering about your partner under your breath whilst knowing they can hear the muttering but not the actual words is rather immature.

Original poster
leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:35

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:29

Having a “lot on” does not entitle you to use camera footage to watch your partner so you can hear what they said under the breath without them knowing

i find that white distasteful actually and in her shoes… I’d be probably be thinking about scarpering

They were swearing and slagging me off under their breath when I haven't done anything wrong except pick up dog s..t so if I want to look at my houses camera to see exactly what they are saying about me in front of our house and everyone in the road I will.
I'm not the psychopath here. The person swearing and muttering like a raving lunatic over trivia is the one who's got the problem.
I was asking what the phrase meant in the full context of my thread.
Do you not get it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:35

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:29

Having a “lot on” does not entitle you to use camera footage to watch your partner so you can hear what they said under the breath without them knowing

i find that white distasteful actually and in her shoes… I’d be probably be thinking about scarpering

Yeah hopefully

OP posts:
category12 · 17/10/2023 18:36

You can say shit on here.

Original poster
leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:36

Thankyou

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 17/10/2023 18:37

leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:19

Hey everyone I asked for some advice or opinions didn't expect a lot of nasty comments.
I've Got a lot going on at the moment so maybe think before you answer things even if you think they are weird or out of proportion be nice not sarcastic or snidey

You've got a lot going on and you're choosing to focus on this?

It might not be a 'spy camera', but you're not using it for its intended purpose and that is pretty strange to be fair.

I'd hate it personally.

Original poster
leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:37

category12 · 17/10/2023 18:36

You can say shit on here.

Yeah but I don't need to
You done it for me
Thanks

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 18:41

Shudder at the thought of being present in this home when the partner walks in back from work. I just hope no children are involved

Insommmmnia · 17/10/2023 18:41

leemajor · 17/10/2023 18:19

Hey everyone I asked for some advice or opinions didn't expect a lot of nasty comments.
I've Got a lot going on at the moment so maybe think before you answer things even if you think they are weird or out of proportion be nice not sarcastic or snidey

Gotta love someone coming on and demanding posters be nice after using a camera to spy on their partner in order to post about her behind her back 🙄

thecatinthetwat · 17/10/2023 18:42

Well it doesn’t make sense because it’s a phase about taking bribes. So either your oh used the wrong phrase or you misheard it.

I would suggest cackhanded or backward as possibilities. But also, I wouldn’t take it personally, she’s just annoyed/in a bad mood.

Cumbrianlife · 17/10/2023 18:42

If my dog has an accident and you picked it up, but not only left the bag open then didn't immediately take it to an outside bin, I'd dump you. That's vile.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/10/2023 18:43

As a backhander is a term for a bribe, I am sure you must have misheard your other half, @leemajor - so it is possible that you are getting upset for no reason. They might have been muttering about the dog or the smell and not about you.

I have to say that I agree with the posters who think it is a bit intrusive for you to use security footage to try to catch what your OH was muttering - I would be upset if my dh did that to me, and I can’t see how it has made the situation any better - in fact it has already made it worse because you are fretting about what you think they said, and getting yourself upset by it, and if you confront them with the footage, they could well react very badly to being spied on by you. It’s not the purpose for which you got the security cameras, I’m sure.

category12 · 17/10/2023 18:46

Maybe your partner is the mumsnet poo troll and considers open bags of dog-shit a worthy bribe, OP.

It's the only thing that makes sense. 😑

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