Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EX DH invites DS to his for xmas with out discussing with me

57 replies

gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 10:17

I thought we had xmas all sorted I was having DS for xmas & Ex DH was having him for new year as we have always swapped round.And we had discussed this years plans, but poor DS (10) is now confused as when I put him to bed last night I asked why he was upset & he said that dad & Ex DH girlfriend has invited him to her house for xmas & that Ex DH girlfriend would spend as much on him as she does on her own 2 DC (which is about £500 each) but he doesnt know what to do as doesnt want to upset anyone. I have said do what makes you happy & of course I would like to have xmas with him but if he wants to go there for xmas I am happy with that to. - Have I said the right thing? I am mad with Ex DH as I feel he should have said something to me before saying to DS. Help needed on how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 17/12/2007 10:19

I think you've handled it perfectly.

Your ex on the other hand has been crass and insensitive and I'd tell him so in your shoes.

SelfishMrsClaus · 17/12/2007 10:19

Would the fact that she will spend £500 on him be the decision maker?

I would call ex-dh up & read the riot act!

WinkyWinkola · 17/12/2007 10:22

That's v. sly and crafty of your DH.

I'd call him up and tell him what DS has said and that you're happy for him to go to DH's for Christmas but what a shame DH and his new gf feel like they have to buy DS's time.

WinkyWinkola · 17/12/2007 10:22

And of course for not talking to you about it all first. Manipulative so and so.

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 10:30

i would be very upset if my xp had done this to me, its so upsetting to thing your DS is so upset and confused as to what to do for the best.

Your xh shouldn`t have put him in this position for his own selfish needs.

xps and xhs really havent got a clue have they.

I hope everything goes ok for you, and i do think you need to contact xh asap about this matter

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 10:30

think* whats the matter with me this moring

Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 10:45

I rang & spoke to him this morning & said he should have discussed it with me first as we had decided that DS was stopping with me & with Ex DH coming round to see him for a couple of hours, but he said Ex DH girlfriend had said mentioned it to DS but he has got to come xmas eve & stop till boxing day as not messing about meeting half way etc (as normally meet half way to drop DS off) even though she only lives half an hour away. He says I am only mad as DS wants to spend xmas there & darent tell me!!!! And that Ex DH girlfriend not going to do anything to help me out... the women doesnt even know me.How annoying.He is a B**tard...I have decided being nice to people gets you no where in life...But I do think the money factor is a big thing as DS knows we dont have a lot of money & I wouldnt be spending alot...I am mad as my DS looked so sad going to sleep last night.

OP posts:
Trifle · 17/12/2007 10:52

Sounds like the deal is that if he goes there on Christmas Day he'll get £500 spent on him. Will he not get the same amount of presents if he goes NY instead?

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 10:52

your poor DS

How dare your xh and his "gf" treat your DS as a weapon! there only doing this to rub your nose in it not to make DS happy!

He is a grown man and should know better.

I`m having a rough time with my xp but thats a total different story but i know he will want to do this to me in years to come grrrr

They can`t hurt us anymore so they use our children instead!

I also think £500 is way over the top for christmas prezzies, and i`m sure your DS will be over the moon with what you have got him.

Please try and forget about what your xh has done as he is winning if you don`t.

Have a happy christmas, i know its going to be hard. Hugs x

SelfishMrsClaus · 17/12/2007 10:58

Hoe dare his fucking girlfriend lay down the rules re: your son's C'mas visiting!! How bloody dare she!!!

I have to say I would be bloody fuming about this! Esp as it was your turn to have C'mas!!

What did he mean when he said his g'friend wasn't willing to help you...

I would be asking if they can afford to spend £500 on him if he goes there, why can't his dad give you £500 & you can buy him the same thing? Does he pay maintenance for ds?

Lay down the rules now.. your poor poor Ds He is stuck in the middle. I am on your behalf.

Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 10:59

No I think he will only get what my Ex DH has bought him as him & girlfriend dont live together. Yes I believe £500 is way over the top but I am being a bar-humbug arent I

Trying not to get mad about it, but made plans for DS & I for christmas & now all this might change.

Not going to let him win by winding me up, makes me sad & really mad that people use children a pawns.

OP posts:
SelfishMrsClaus · 17/12/2007 11:03

"now all this might change"

Noooo!! Don't you dare let it change!! It's your C'mas with your son..

let your dh go & fuck himself!!

1sue1 · 17/12/2007 11:05

God some ex's are total twats and I should know as my kids have mine as a father(not dad, takes a lot to earn that title imo).

Mothers generally want their kids to be happy over and above all else, why do some fathers put themselves above their kids/

I think its about control, and they see it as some sort of competition to get the kids to prefer them over mum, in most cases mum comes first and they know this, hence the insecurity->control cycle. Dickheads, no other word for them, total dickheads.

1sue1 · 17/12/2007 11:07

A decent man would give you some money to help out at xmas, and tell his gf to fuck off out of it.

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 11:07

i agree with SMC its your turn to have DS this christmas and he has no rights to change this on you at nearly the last minute, please tell him that its your turn and your sticking to it.

Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 11:08

Yes he does pay maintance. Not willing to help me by letting ex DH meet half way so that DS can go for couple of hours on xmas day as that is messing about...I am really I have laid the law down but Ex just laughs some people as so immature.

OP posts:
mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 11:09

i have to admit my xp wouldnt dream of giving me xmas money to spend on his dcs, men can me total wankers at times (sorry had to be said)

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 11:11

gorgeousfeebie your really not alone on this one, my xp doesnt actually pay maintanance YET! i know your xh does but why do they think that we get all of that money when we dont!

He should be helping you out not going behind your back with his new lady! i`m so for you right now

How selfish is she for saying this to your xh grrrr!

She should know better aswell as she has children of her own!

Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 11:22

I thought she would have known better,but she doesnt encourage her DC to go to their father. But you always seems to think people have the same morals as yourself.

He wouldnt help me out as I did ask as can only afford £50 to spend on DS & all I got was moaning from him saying that should look after money he gives me £45 per week and not spend it on my self (some people havent a clue) but never mind the fact that I was off work for 6 months due to illness & operation so on sick pay (long story)

Poor DS I know he will be at school worrying about it.I really dont know what to say to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 11:24

And what do I do if DS says he wants to go.

OP posts:
Baffy · 17/12/2007 11:29

I think the idea of ds going for a few hours on christmas day is a great compromise. He then gets the best of both worlds and you still get christmas with your son.

Is you ex really saying that he isn't willing to meet you half way, to enable ds to go for a few hours on christmas day, because his girlfriend says so!!!

If that was the case I'd be tempted to tell your ex where to go!

You have a perfect solution there. And if your ex cannot stand up for his own son in the face of such petty selfishness, then I would be furious!

DS should come first. Can't he see that and stand up to her? DS doesn't have to suffer here. You, as his mum and dad, can surely work this between you so he gets to see all of you on the day.

Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 11:40

No wont meet half way if ex dh wants to see ds he has to stop at home on xmas eve as he isnt driving the half hour from girlfriends house to see him..........

I am very tempted to tell him where to go but also have to be careful as he would tell DS. God sometimes you cant win can you..

I am feeling very sad & could cry..

OP posts:
mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 11:46

I think what baffy said is right, a couple of hours with him is the best compromise here.

Hey baffy

My xp also doesn`t put my DDs best interests first and it makes me so

IsawKIMIkissingsantaclaus · 17/12/2007 11:46

He is YOUR son and your EXs son and sod all to do with your exs gf.
Tell her to get stuffed.

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 11:52

well gorgeousfeebie if he isnt willing to meet you half way then i would say to him well dont see DS at all.

I would then explain to DS in the best way you can about his dad not wanting to compromise (i know its going to be hard as he is only 10) as you say you know your xh would tell your DS, its better coming from you first.

I really dont know what else you could do to be honest, you are doing the best thing and your stupid xh isnt giving anything back to this situation he just wants you to roll over to his demands!

If you need to cry then please do, i had a good old cry last night, xp had said he didnt know when he could see DD again as on his day off hes to busy with the new gf to even want to bother seeing DD, god i`m so angry with men right now

Swipe left for the next trending thread