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Original poster

EX DH invites DS to his for xmas with out discussing with me

57 replies

gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 10:17

I thought we had xmas all sorted I was having DS for xmas & Ex DH was having him for new year as we have always swapped round.And we had discussed this years plans, but poor DS (10) is now confused as when I put him to bed last night I asked why he was upset & he said that dad & Ex DH girlfriend has invited him to her house for xmas & that Ex DH girlfriend would spend as much on him as she does on her own 2 DC (which is about £500 each) but he doesnt know what to do as doesnt want to upset anyone. I have said do what makes you happy & of course I would like to have xmas with him but if he wants to go there for xmas I am happy with that to. - Have I said the right thing? I am mad with Ex DH as I feel he should have said something to me before saying to DS. Help needed on how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
1sue1 · 17/12/2007 11:52

Why not say that as a compromise and seeing as you were meant to have him this year, let him go for the day on xmas day, then you drive to pick him up in the evening so that ex does not have to 'mess about' meeting half way.
That way, everyone happy, well through gritted teeth!

1sue1 · 17/12/2007 11:56

My ex has in the past chosen not to see the kids at all, rather than come and pick them up on a saturday day, instead of the usual friday night,(when kids havenot wanted to stay on the friday night) as its 'messing about'.

I said 'so you're telling me that you would rather not see them AT ALL than come and get them saturday instead of friday? He slammed phone down. Tosser.

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 12:03

1sue1 i cant believe these men call themselves fathers god im so with my xp right now.

He was the best daddy in the world and now hes got way down hill very fast, miss 17 must be ruling him grrrr and hes a tosser for letting her

pantoinghousewife · 17/12/2007 12:12

I feel for you, I really do. He is emotionally blackmailing your ds into going to him on Christmas day.
You have to do whatever you feel will be best for your ds but, I wouldn't say anything to your ds about the whys and wherefores, you need to take the moral high ground and not stoop to his level, which let's face it, is about 5 years old.

chocolatespiders · 17/12/2007 12:13

mummyofaprincees that is so

i hate this time of year for us lone parents, it really brings out the bad in some.....

this is the first year dd has stayed with her dad xmas eve and it makes me so sad...

i think you are being very reasonable, and if he doesnt want to travel then fine ds stays with you..

i wish estranged parents wouldnt belive they can plaster over wounds they have left in splitting up the family with money.....

would you be alone if ds went to his dads?

Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 12:45

mummyofaprincess I feel sad for you to.

I thought I was being fair but sometimes doesnt get you anyway does it?

Yes if he goes I would be on my own as family have arranged to go away and because of exh, i decided not to go as ex-h caused a fuss.I would be quite welcome to go to friends but not quite the same when you have got arrangments already made.

Its sad the raw deal us single parents get..

I am not stooping to x's level as in the long run i am sure ds will see what his father is like in the future as x husband soon spit dummy out if son doesnt want to go for tea if he is doing something so I think maybe this is why DS is confused & worried about upsetting one of us...

OP posts:
mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 12:56

i have also tried being fair and 99% of the time its just thrown right in my face. and i do say to my self i don`t know why i bother, and i bet thats what you say to yourself aswell.

We do get the raw deal but we also have our dc`s and thats what makes everyday worth while

Your DS will see what his dads doing, not now but in the future and like you say its only a matter of time before he spits his dummy and guess what MUMMY will be the one who is there to pick up the pieces.

Dont let this idiot ruin your christmas with your DS, i wouldnt want to me alone and i really dont want you to be alone as you have changed your plans for him as it would have upset him, please dont do it again.

Your DS wont hate you for not taking him to his dads for christmas

Trifle · 17/12/2007 13:04

It is not your son's responsibility to decide which parent he sees. He is in a catch 22 situation and cant win either way. I dont understand why you didnt just tell ex-dh that as it is your turn this Christmas, he can have your son NY as previously agreed and it will be his turn next christmas. Your son needs to be told exactly what is happening and no doubt a weight will be lifted off his shoulders as he wont be shouldering any of the responsibility. All this faffing about meeting half way, going for tea there on Christmas Day is absolute nonsense. Grow some balls, tell your son that you and him will have a wonderful day together (as planned) and tell your ex your ds will see him NY (as agreed). End of.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/12/2007 13:20

Personally I think my relationship with any of my family is worth a great deal more than £500. You couldn't buy a child for that in this hemisphere, last I heard. What a horrible way to contribute to a child's upbringing, encouraging him to leave his mummy in exchange for a big present. No wonder he's miserable. And thank goodness he has ONE parent who at least tries to put him first.

Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 17/12/2007 15:11

Trifle got some balls & told ex hubby. He said DS old enough to make own choice!!!!!! but I have said in no uncertain terms that DS is staying at home for xmas as decided.

OP posts:
Baffy · 17/12/2007 15:19

Your ex has no idea does he Of course at 10 years of age your ds is capable of making a choice - but the point is the emotional upset ds is going through at having to choose between his 2 parents.

How utterly selfish and nasty for your ex to put the burden on a 10 year old boy rather than stick to the agreed plans and behave like a responsible parent.

I'm glad you've stood up to him. You sound like a wonderful mum. Him and his girlfiend sound like the deserve each other.

{{hugs}}

Anniegetyourgun · 17/12/2007 17:52

Well done Feebie.

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 17:54

so glad you stood up to him. WELL DONE!

Heres to a very happy christmas

1sue1 · 18/12/2007 09:02

well done feebie, hard though isnt it? Tying to soften the fall out that their fathers cause?

Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 18/12/2007 09:07

Well the latest is that DS has told Ex H that he is going to him after Ex H rang him...my poor DS told me then burst in to tears as he doesnt want me to be sad.

So at ex h told him so & he justed laughed & said that he could give DS better xmas. So mad that he might be screwing DS head up & dont know what to do whether to go back to the solicitor or just leave it.Am I being petty?

At least DS will be home in the evening on xmas day but its not the same.

OP posts:
Baffy · 18/12/2007 09:11

I don't think you're being petty at all

Poor ds

What a horrible man your ex has become. I just don't understand how people can use their own children in that way.

So do you think ds wants to go there?

If you put your foot down and say it's your turn to have him this Christmas what do you think would happen? And how would it affect ds?

dara · 18/12/2007 09:27

He must stop this right now. Call your solicitor and ask him to write a letter saying you have alternate christmases and it is upsetting your son to feel pulled in two directions like this. They are behaving incredibly badly and making your poor little boy very sad and confused. Stand firm. He needs to know where he stands at this age. Tell him that you and daddy have decided that he is with you this year, and with daddy next year. Otherwise you confuse your son, give him too much power which he won't want and give your ex the idea that he can do what he wants to hurt you.

lou33 · 18/12/2007 09:31

seriously, you need to just say no and tell your son and your exh that he is staying with you

take the choice away from your son and stop letting your h use him as a bargaining tool

and stick to it

they cant make you hand him over

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 18/12/2007 09:42

Your son probably feels verystuck in the middle, eager to make both parent's happy.

So he may only have agreed to go to get his Dads approval.

Is there a family member or impartial friend who could have a chat with your son to establish how he's feeling.

AS far as I'm concerned it's a bit late in the day to be re-arranging plans. Say to your son that it was already agreed that he would spend Christmas with you. But say that if he wants to spend next Christmas with his Dad then that's fine

discoverlife · 18/12/2007 09:42

Can your DS understand that Daddy is trying to be bossy and change the plans already arranged.
I was the child of divorced parents and I understood when I was being 'bought' but not till I was about 12. Then I milked the situation.
But I would stand firm, If your xh really wanted to spend that much money on DS then he can hold the pressies till NY and tell your son this.
You could also do a bit of torpedoing yourself. Let them buy the pressies, then canncel any arrangements last minute, and there is no time to return the pressies before Xmas.

Original poster
gorgeousfeebie · 18/12/2007 09:46

I think my DS wants to go there as there is more people going to be there & the fact as DS told me he doesnt get to see dad very often & I get to see him every day....wonder where that has come from.

I will get on the phone to my solicitor, & I stood up to husband yesterday & said DS was stopping with me, but the thought had already been put in DS head, & when I pick DS up after work he said that he would like to go to dads but didnt want me to be upset. so I could be a meanie & say no your not going.But DS did ask Ex H if he could go early xmas morning & Ex H said no as him & G/friend didnt want to mess about......

Am i doing the right thing as dont want son thinking I am horrible? I am confused now.
So angry with Ex for doing this..

OP posts:
Baffy · 18/12/2007 09:57

Is there no way you can get him there on Christmas day?

Then at least he can stay with you Christmas eve and you get an hour or two together to open presents

Why is taking him there on Christmas day 'messing about'?

Like I've said before - surely that is the best compromise so you both get to see him on the day!

Baffy · 18/12/2007 10:02

And seeing as your ex is filling is head with rubbish why do you think that it is you being horrible?

Surely if you decide to put your foot down and keep ds with you (as planned) then you would have to explain to ds that it is his father who won't allow him to go there on Christmas day because it is 'messing about'. It's unreasonable for his dad to say he wants him there, but also that it has to be on his terms which means christmas eve right through to boxing day!!!

If ds is old enough to decide. Then he's old enough to understand that his dad is making unreasonable demands and isn't willing to be flexible to allow ds to see both of you.

Makes me so

Poor ds is the one suffering too.

I can see this happening in years to come with my ex and I am dreading it

Santasmissyontheside · 18/12/2007 10:14

ok can i please just say it is your ds choice. he is probably more upset at the fact that he would like to go and have lots of money spent on him than be at home with his mum. you're his mum and he would'nt want to upset you in any way let alone when it comes to this situation. did you say that there will be more people there? he probably has in his head that you will be alone on xmas day bless him.

i wont disagree that how the ex's gf has done things is unfair because it is. i can see why you were upset at them not approaching you but he is ten and he should be able to decide surely?

i hope that when my dss gets to that age that he will choose as so far ex wife does not allow us full stop to have him, says its not our choice what happens with him.

just wanted to say that he poor ds is probably upset for those reasons and feeling like he should not have opinion to stop his parents arguing. (just a thought as my parents were divorced)

does your ds have step brothers?

Santasmissyontheside · 18/12/2007 10:16

ps

the alternate thing is a god idea i wish it was like that for us!!

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