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Relationships

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Original poster

Why am I so pathetic? Boyfriend buying online pics

54 replies

Sadhoot · 02/11/2020 11:40

I just found DP asking for nude pics from a girl he knew in his home town. She did not respond, he sent 2 messages. He was offering money.

I confronted him about it and he said he just wanted to see them as she had done nude modelling before and he couldn't find her photos online I don't understand why this is important to him, there are plenty of naked women online FOR FREE. He apologised and said he knew what he did was wrong. Then why do it, dipshit???

I feel so hurt and like an absolute mug because I feel like I can't just end a relationship over some stupid messages? We've been together for a long time and trying for a baby - there are fertility issues in the mix.

For fuck's sake. I'm also ill and in bed and really don't have the strength to deal with this.

I don't know what to do. I'm so, so sad.

OP posts:

JeanBodel · 02/11/2020 11:43

You are not pathetic. Your partner is pathetic. My advice would be to stop trying to conceive with this man. Really have a think about the sort of person he is, and whether you think he will make a good father. Whether he is a good partner to you.

workhomesleeprepeat · 02/11/2020 12:11

You’re not pathetic, stop talking shit about yourself, to yourself!

You partner is the problem. You are allowed to end it for whatever reason you like, but I would definitely end it over this! I don’t mean to be insulting but I find it very creepy and weird that he’s offering an acquaintance money for photos. And it’s very cringe that she hadn’t even responded, so it sounds like this isn’t something she normally does - which makes his request even weirder.

I don’t think you know this man as well as you think op. I would not be continuing to try for a baby with him.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 02/11/2020 12:22

He's a sad miserable weasel of a man and he'll make a sad miserable weasel of a father. Give yourself the best gift you'll ever receive and choose someone who isn't a complete bellend to tie yourself to genetically for the next 18 years.

EatDessertFirst · 02/11/2020 12:22

Ugh what a creep!! Do they have a history together?

There is no way you should even consider having a baby with someone who thinks about women the way he does.

You are not pathetic. He is disgusting and that is 100% on him. Not you.

Bunnymumy · 02/11/2020 12:29

Eww what a creep. Harassing some woman online.

Even if she has done nude modeling, so what? Does that mean her body is a commodity for anyone who wants to buy as wank fodder? What a disgusting view to have of women.

He is a pervert op. Thank fuck you found out before you got pregnant. Concentrate on getting better for now, then do whatever it takes to get shot of the weirdo.

Sorry you're going through this. But this is far worse than someone cheating in my opinion. He is harassing women. It's sick.

Bunnymumy · 02/11/2020 12:31

Oh and, it's also cheating. At least it would be if he had been sent the pics.

VioletSunset · 02/11/2020 12:34

Oh my goodness I would end the relationship, seriously! So bloody disrespectful! I can't get my head around the fact that so many men do this stuff, just awful. Hope you're OK OP.

user686827 · 02/11/2020 12:44

It's not porn is it, it's an acquaintance he knows, who he has sexually harassed by messaging her. Its not 'just some stupid messages'. It's proof that he is sexually entitled, a misogynist, thinks consent can be bought, that women are a commodity, and cares little for your feelings.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/11/2020 12:44

I just found DP asking for nude pics from a girl he knew in his home town. She did not respond, he sent 2 messages. He was offering money

I wish she'd called the police, or displayed his message publicly. He's a 100% creep. I'm surprised your feelings haven't switched off like a tap. But if this is the no-mark you're moping over and can't see you'd have a lucky escape from a bad bargain if you dump him as he deserves, then not much more to say.

Read up about 'Sunken Costs' and how it negatively impacts women who can't or won't leave negative relationships due to the notion of 'But I've put the time in'

KnitPearl · 02/11/2020 12:45

I genuinely think that what you've caught him doing is the tip of a much larger iceberg. If you stay with him long enough I'm sure the rest will come out in due course, but that would be horrible for guys, especially if a child or children were involved. You could spend your time digging for more evidence to see if he comes up clean, but I think that if this is all you've 'caught' him doing then he's very good at hiding it.

I've been with this kind of person before. The feeling when you realise they've been lying to you for years is gut wrenching. Please leave while you're still child free and have the opportunity. It won't be 'over something silly'. Surely he doesn't think you'd still be sexually attracted to him after finding this out. He's an absolute waste of space.

KnitPearl · 02/11/2020 12:46

Guys = you. Autocorrect

CatsAndEyeliner · 02/11/2020 12:51

Totally agree with @DeeCeeCherry about Sunken Costs.

Just because you have a history doesn’t mean it makes any sense at all to have a future.

What a creep.

Hesfamousforit · 02/11/2020 12:56

I would ltb for that!

Inaseagull · 02/11/2020 12:59

You don't need to justify why you don't want to be with him any more (he would talk you out of any reason you gave anyway). Just tell him the relationship is not working for you any more and wish him well. You are sad because its the end and thats normal. Allow yourself some time to heal and move on.

NellyJames · 02/11/2020 13:00

I’m sorry.
You must know that this is/will not be a one off. This is not porn, this is sexual harassment. To make matters worse, he’s minimised his nasty, misogyny and he’s encouraging you to do the same.

Please stop TTC with this man, at least until you’ve thought things through. Do you want to bring a child up with a nan who sexually harasses other women? Do you want to be struggling at home with 2 small kids whilst he’s putting it about and ignoring your wants and needs? Really think this through because as the poster above says, this will just be the tip of the iceberg. He will only admit to what you’ve found out; there will be more and it will go on.

Don’t let yourself be one of these wretched women who post about the appalling behaviour of their partners but who feel stuck because they have given up their jobs and are at home with young children. Get out now. You don’t need this shit in your life.

SoulofanAggron · 02/11/2020 13:03

You're not pathetic at all.

And you wouldn't be ending it just over some mesages- if she had replyed in kind hee would've got what he wanted, naked pics from another woman, possibly in exchange for money.

Please separate from him and block, don't go back.

2bazookas · 02/11/2020 13:30

You've had a lucky eye-opener. Show him the door.

Original poster

Sadhoot · 02/11/2020 13:30

He came home at lunch and said sorry for hurting me.

I'm wondering if he left the page open on his pc on purpose so that I would find it?

I don't know. I feel so bad. In so many ways.

OP posts:

Cocklepops · 02/11/2020 13:32

I just found DP asking for nude pics from a girl he knew in his home town. She did not respond, he sent 2 messages. He was offering money*

Also known as you’ve just found out he’s a creepy pervy stalkery fecker.

Into the bin with him.

Audreyseyebrows · 02/11/2020 13:33

Stop ttc with this man. He has zero respect for you!

workhomesleeprepeat · 02/11/2020 13:37

@Sadhoot

He came home at lunch and said sorry for hurting me.

I'm wondering if he left the page open on his pc on purpose so that I would find it?

I don't know. I feel so bad. In so many ways.

I mean, if you found it so easily then yes, it either means he wanted you to find it, he was too stupid to hide it, or he thinks you will stay with him no matter how he acts. That he can just say sorry and you’ll have him no matter what he does.

Either way, it’s not great OP. Sorry. I know you must be really hurting now but he is not a good man

Bunnymumy · 02/11/2020 13:40

Is he also sorry for his sick messages to her? Because it sounds like he doesn't think there was anything wrong with messaging her like that.
I mean can you imagine how she feels atm? Id go with exposed, afraid, vulnerable, belittled, disrespected, embarassec, diminished, paranoid and distressed.

And I'd bet this isnt his first time behaving this way online.

Would you want to raise a daughter with this man?

TurquoiseDragon · 02/11/2020 13:46

Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour, so I'd LTB for this. I'd also be surprised if this is the only time he's tried harrassing women for pics.

And I agree about Sunken Costs. Just because you've been with him up to now, it doesn't mean you have to remain tied to him.

The years in your past are "spent", whatever your decision about your future is, because you can't get them back.

So, ignore them, they shouldn't count in your decision to stay or not. Your decision should be based on whether you feel a man who harrasses women is worth staying with.

Billben · 02/11/2020 13:48

We've been together for a long time and trying for a baby - there are fertility issues in the mix.

There is no way I’d continue trying for a baby with a man like this. You are going to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life if you stay with him.
I mean what man even offers money for a naked photo of someone? Yuck 🤮

Febo24 · 02/11/2020 14:01

I caught my then bf doing online photo swapping stuff 2 years into our relationship. We got through it, got married, had kids. 11 years later, 4 months ago I caught him camming and now we're separating.

It so hard, you're going through the shock of betrayal and it's really confusing, especially if they minimise it.

I would agree that you need to stop trying for a baby, and give yourself time to think things over.

At the end of the day, the reason for my separation wasn't the camming incident alone. It was the years of lying (and that includes lies by omission) and how he reacted in the following weeks and months (minimising, denial etc).

I used to think ahead and try and imagine being with him and not feeling disgusted, insecure, unsure and I just couldn't imagine ever getting there.

I feel for you OP, take your time if you need to.

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