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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I coerced in to sex? Or should I have just been a bit more assertive?

59 replies

lovehorror199ii · 24/10/2020 23:14

I asked DP(?) to wear a condom as I'd had my IUD removed about a month ago due to pelvic pain.

He pleaded not to wear one and that he would pull out before ejaculation. I put my foot down and said "no, you need to wear one as I don't want to get pregnant". Again, he's pressuring me and tries to assure me that it's unlikely that I'll get pregnant and he only wants to put the tip in for a few seconds.

So I cave in and let him put it in. He has sex with me and I'm just taking it- not enjoying it and in pain- and thinking about how I'm going to get the morning after pill tomorrow, and if I can even access any type of emergency contraception on a sunday.

We have a small child together and he's a useless dad. If I get pregnant, it will devastate me and I don't want to have an abortion.

I'm not sure if something wrong happened here, or if I should have just put my foot down. I don't feel good about myself and I'm worried about how my life could change just because i didn't walk out the room the second he refused to put on a condom.

OP posts:
DisgruntledPelican · 24/10/2020 23:20

This is coercion. I’m so sorry OP.

Do you want to stay in this relationship? It doesn’t sound like you do.

Original poster
lovehorror199ii · 24/10/2020 23:22

We've been having problems for months. He doesn't feel or act like my partner anymore.

I'm kind of stuck here though because I rely on him, but I'm trying to get myself in to a better position financially to leave him.

OP posts:
Thingsarel00kingup · 24/10/2020 23:27

I'm sorry this happened and you're feeling bad about yourself - please don't, being critical of yourself could spiral out of control quickly. You've done absolutely nothing wrong and need to be gentle on yourself.

He should have listened to you and respected your decision and choice. It is him that is wrong.

I hope people will be along soon with better advice too, my heart is telling me that if he's a shit dad, and a pretty shit sounding 'partner' then you have other issues to sort out as well. You don't have to accept this as your lot, no one does.

And to reassure you re. the morning after pill, I'm fairly sure that if you're in the UK it's possible to buy it over the counter at a chemist/pharmacy on a Sunday. Most large supermarkets have their own pharmacy which will be open 10-4.

On a personal note, my biggest regret is that I spent far too long with a man who was a shit partner and a shit dad... fear of the unknown kept me there (better the devil you know and all that). You are still young with your whole life ahead of you - you don't have to stay in this situation. There's so much help and support available to you so you can make the future one you and your child deserve. (Once we'd split up my ex stepped-up, grew up and became a much better dad BTW).

Wishing you all the very best - deal with one thing at a time, get the morning after pill sorted and take it from there. ThanksThanks

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 24/10/2020 23:30

It’s sexual coercion - this site might be useful www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion

He obviously cares more about himself than he does about your feelings.

Do you really want to be with someone like this? Better to be single than with someone who puts you in pain for his pleasure. A good relationship isn’t usually like this.

SarahSinuses · 24/10/2020 23:34

He raped you. You never consented to sex nor rejaculation. Report the crime to the police.

What a horrid man!

Is there anyone you could stay with? Family or friends? You need to get out of that relationship, OP.

I hope someone more knowledgeable will come along with better advice on how to leave. All the best Flowers

halfmoonfullmoon · 24/10/2020 23:39

@SarahSinuses

He raped you. You never consented to sex nor rejaculation. Report the crime to the police.

What a horrid man!

Is there anyone you could stay with? Family or friends? You need to get out of that relationship, OP.

I hope someone more knowledgeable will come along with better advice on how to leave. All the best Flowers

Confused
MoonJelly · 24/10/2020 23:50

He's a selfish twat, but this really doesn't meet the criteria for rape. The police would do nothing if you reported it.

jessstan1 · 24/10/2020 23:57

Why will he not wear a condom or why can you not use another type of contraceptive like a cap or pessaries (or both)?

I only ask because you sounded in your op that you would be OK with sex if contraception was used.

If sex is painful regardless of contraception your partner should not coerce you. That is tantamount to rape but would be difficult to prove.

What pleasure can a man get from having sex with a woman in pain? He's just relieving himself. Sheesh, what a lack of self control.

You'd be well out of the relationship.

madcatladyforever · 25/10/2020 00:05

Don't be ridiculous he didn't rape her he just went on and on and she gave in for a quiet life, lets use the word rape when rape is due shall we or the term becomes completely meaningless.
You need to learn to say both no and also fuck off OP and yes you should have walked away.
He sounds like a whiny man child at best and needs a really firm hand or if he's useless chuck him out.
Its better to have no man than a useless whiny one.

AintPageantMaterial · 25/10/2020 00:05

he only wants to put the tip in for a few seconds
What part of that enticing offer does he think is going to appeal to you? What is he? A sex desperate 16 year old?
That is NOT how you treat a partner whom you respect as an equal.
It’s juvenile, manipulative, unattractive and just a bit pathetic.
You deserve better. You deserve someone who thinks sex between partners is about your pleasure too.

whywhywhy6 · 25/10/2020 00:10

You need to say no to his sexual requests you’re not comfortable with and leave him if you’re unhappy with the relationship, but you already know that.

I hope your financial situation improves and you can manage to leave him.

Hickorydickoryspock · 25/10/2020 00:15

It doesnt really matter what the sex act was the fact that you told him you didn't want to do it and he talked you into doing it and did it whilst knowing it wasnt what you wanted... thats grim. Hes a bellend. A man who still managed to get off in full knowledge you weren't comfortable with what was happening.
I hope you find the strength to leave him.

category12 · 25/10/2020 00:15

Yes, you were coerced.

You have 72 hrs to take the morning after pill - I think there's also one called Ellaone that has a longer window? Don't give up. Get that twat of a man to get you to a clinic.

I would consider leaving - could your parents or someone take you and your dc in until you could get sorted?

hillfda · 25/10/2020 00:16

I got my morning after pill from a pharmacy - I think some are open 24 hours? So sorry OP Thanks

TheMamaYo · 25/10/2020 00:17

@SarahSinuses

He raped you. You never consented to sex nor rejaculation. Report the crime to the police.

What a horrid man!

Is there anyone you could stay with? Family or friends? You need to get out of that relationship, OP.

I hope someone more knowledgeable will come along with better advice on how to leave. All the best Flowers

This was not rape.Confused
MoonJelly · 25/10/2020 00:17

I don't think any of us knows whether you were coerced or not as we weren't there. There's a difference between 5 minutes' pleading and going on and on about it till you give in to shut him up. Only you know where on the spectrum your partners' actions fall.

Takethewinefromtheswine · 25/10/2020 00:19

He did not rape you. You have many (many) issues here and the least of them is trying to apportion blame over shit sex.

EarthSight · 25/10/2020 00:23

@AintPageantMaterial

he only wants to put the tip in for a few seconds What part of that enticing offer does he think is going to appeal to you? What is he? A sex desperate 16 year old? That is NOT how you treat a partner whom you respect as an equal. It’s juvenile, manipulative, unattractive and just a bit pathetic. You deserve better. You deserve someone who thinks sex between partners is about your pleasure too.
I know......that's a good quote isn't it? I wouldn't blame the OP if she felt like a blow up doll at that point and she felt that her partner used her body as a masturbatory tool, rather than having sex with her. He really did sound like a desperate 16 year old!!
feministfemme · 25/10/2020 00:24

@Takethewinefromtheswine According to Wikipedia (I agree before you say anything not the most reliable source but still a potentially useful one):

"Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without that person's consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority, or against a person who is incapable of giving valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, has an intellectual disability or is below the legal age of consent."

Betty94 · 25/10/2020 00:25

"Again, he's pressuring me and tries to assure me that it's unlikely that I'll get pregnant and he only wants to put the tip in for a few seconds.

So I cave in and let him put it in. He has sex with me and I'm just taking it- not enjoying it and in pain"*
*
Please can someone more intelligent than me explain why that isn't rape or at least sexual assault? She said no, he pressured her into it?? She was in pain and he only cared about his own sexual satisfaction.

I don't know the correct terminology for it OP but what he did wasn't okay, it's not your fault and hopefully you'll be able to get the morning after pill but I would highly consider leaving the relationship, it'll be hard at first emotionally and financially but you'll be better off in the long run.

Takethewinefromtheswine · 25/10/2020 00:37

A man should not be accused of rape if a partner was not raped. She said no, then she said yes. We have no idea what the interaction was. On the basis of the information we have, a man nagged his partner and she complied, she did not refuse. Was his nagging coercion? They've clearly been together for years and despite the fact he is a twat the OP stays with him. I have been raped. This was not a loving exchange, but neither is it a loving relationship. Dysfunctional relationships have dysfunctional sex. This was not a good night, but I really dont think it could be called rape, but I am not the OP and I will never have all the facts.

vincentseyes · 25/10/2020 00:43

@Takethewinefromtheswine Based on what OP said, she said no to something and he pressured her to do it anyway so she complied. She then had painful and uncomfortable sex ('just taking it'). Sex by coercion is assault, and from what OP has said it does seem coercive.

jessstan1 · 25/10/2020 01:00

I agree with vincentseyes.

It is so awful and sad for the op, I can almost feel her pain.

There are good, normal men who would never do that in a million years. It's downright cruel.

I hope you do get your finances sorted, lovehorror, so you can leave him and have a new start. What you have now is not love.

12309845653ghydrvj · 25/10/2020 01:05

It wasn’t rape under a legal definition, I think this is a side avenue that’s not super helpful to OP.

It was a deeply uncomfortable and coercive sexual encounter, where your partner made clear to you that he does not value your feelings or think of sex as something for you both together. He also took zero interest in your sexual health. Either of these alone are factors that are not compatible with a healthy relationship, and mean (a) he is a total dick who is not a real partner and (b) this relationship needs to end.

Unfortunately I think the majority of women have had an experience like this, where they said yes for an easy life, and had almost an out of body experience of something being done to them Flowers. Afterwards, you’re angry with yourself for not saying no—but the important thing to remember is that any partner who truly was a partner would never put you in this position. He doesn’t meet the basic criteria for a sexual partner, leave as soon as you’re able to.

newnameforthis123 · 25/10/2020 01:19

@Takethewinefromtheswine

A man should not be accused of rape if a partner was not raped. She said no, then she said yes. We have no idea what the interaction was. On the basis of the information we have, a man nagged his partner and she complied, she did not refuse. Was his nagging coercion? They've clearly been together for years and despite the fact he is a twat the OP stays with him. I have been raped. This was not a loving exchange, but neither is it a loving relationship. Dysfunctional relationships have dysfunctional sex. This was not a good night, but I really dont think it could be called rape, but I am not the OP and I will never have all the facts.
So I cave in and let him put it in. He has sex with me and I'm just taking it- not enjoying it and in pain

I highly doubt he thought she was enjoying this.

If I was silent, in pain, not reciprocating enjoyment then my partner couldn't enjoy sex and he would stop and ask me if I was ok. That would be more important to him than shagging me. I would be more important to him than shagging. Because that's how healthy, loving adults behave.

He behaved like a teenager desperate to shag someone and not caring if they enjoy it and feel genuinely safe and happy.

It's a disgusting way to treat anyone, let alone someone you're meant to care deeply about.

Good, decent men don't want to just fuck someone to fuck someone. They want the other person to enjoy it, feel good, feel safe and feel valued. Good, decent men don't want someone to lie back, be non responsive and be in pain.

Coercion is coercion and this is an absolutely clear example of it.

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