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Original poster

Was I coerced in to sex? Or should I have just been a bit more assertive?

59 replies

lovehorror199ii · 24/10/2020 23:14

I asked DP(?) to wear a condom as I'd had my IUD removed about a month ago due to pelvic pain.

He pleaded not to wear one and that he would pull out before ejaculation. I put my foot down and said "no, you need to wear one as I don't want to get pregnant". Again, he's pressuring me and tries to assure me that it's unlikely that I'll get pregnant and he only wants to put the tip in for a few seconds.

So I cave in and let him put it in. He has sex with me and I'm just taking it- not enjoying it and in pain- and thinking about how I'm going to get the morning after pill tomorrow, and if I can even access any type of emergency contraception on a sunday.

We have a small child together and he's a useless dad. If I get pregnant, it will devastate me and I don't want to have an abortion.

I'm not sure if something wrong happened here, or if I should have just put my foot down. I don't feel good about myself and I'm worried about how my life could change just because i didn't walk out the room the second he refused to put on a condom.

OP posts:
SarahSinuses · 25/10/2020 05:14

From what the OP wrote, she did not consent to sex without a condom. She consented to him putting the tip in after all his nagging, thinking he'd stop and then he didn't stop and just had sex. Also ejaculating inside after he'd said he wouldn't do this. And never had consent to do so.

That is rape.

Angelina82 · 25/10/2020 05:26

I’m not sure about coercion but you should definitely learn to be more assertive if you don’t want to feel like a vessel for this selfish man and risk getting pregnant by him. Either way I would dump him for not caring that I wasn’t enjoying having sex with him and for being a useless father. Yuk.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 05:30

The rape thing is just derailing this. I’m fairly sure the op isn’t posting so there can be a definition bun fight, some people really need to get a grip.

Op. Whatever it was it really wasn’t good. I think you need to do two things, one have a solid plan to end this snd two understand how to assert your boundaries and walk away when he wants sex and you don’t. He can’t be trusted not to do this again,so sadly you need to take control whilst you’re still with him to prevent it occurring again.

In addition I think you need to speak to your gp about contraceptives. Sadly again you need to take control, he is not willing to, he has made that clear.

He is going to coerce you and he isn’t going to use contraception, so you need to keep these two facts in your head and take control and assert your boundaries from now on, whilst working on getting out. Or you will get pregnant again.

Original poster
lovehorror199ii · 25/10/2020 09:25

I asked whether he was being coercive because I felt foolish after giving in to the pressure, and that i was going against my own wishes not to engage in unprotected sex.

I guess I could have controlled the situation but obviously I didn't and I'm asking myself why.

And yes, for a man in his late 20's he's incredibly immature. I can't even leave my child with him for the day because he will forget to feed her or smoke (weed) in the car with her in it. He's a very selfish individual.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/10/2020 09:32

OP, you need to leave him.

Well, no, first, you need to be sorting the morning after pill right now - but then you really need to think about how you are going to get out of this relationship.

newnameforthis123 · 25/10/2020 11:50

I can't even leave my child with him for the day because he will forget to feed her or smoke (weed) in the car with her in it. He's a very selfish individual.

This is appalling. You need to leave this relationship, now. It's no way to live and not healthy for your child to be anywhere near.

user102740264923 · 25/10/2020 11:54

Coerced sex is rape.

The law says that coerced consent is not legally valid.

If you have sex with someone without legally valid consent you have raped them.

Ergo, this man raped the op.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 25/10/2020 11:57

Is the smoking weed a new thing?

What are you doing to get financially independent? How long do you think it will take.

Also, i think it is a really good question you asked yourself. Why did you feel you couldnt stick with the no? What were you worried about?

VenusTiger · 25/10/2020 12:36

OP did you at any point tell him that you were in pain? would he have stopped if you'd have said so?
You shouldn't have sex unless you want to, so you letting him is agreeing to having sex - even though you said you'd only do it with a condom, what's the issue here, the fact you had sex or the fact he refused to wear a condom? Just trying to understand, not placing any blame on either party here.

VenusTiger · 25/10/2020 12:44

Sorry I worded that bit badly you letting him is agreeing to having sex - I meant, you agreed to let him have sex, whether it's the "tip" or not. Get rid of him OP, he's clearly useless in all areas of your "relationship".

SunflowerYellow · 25/10/2020 12:49

Oh my god he sounds horrendous. I can’t believe he will smoke weed around her.
Get the morning after pill today or tomorrow, then make your plans to leave this waste of space.

jessstan1 · 25/10/2020 13:21

Gosh I can't believe he smoked weed while driving, never mind with a baby in the car. What a horrible man, he is uncaring, irresponsible and disrespectful. The sooner you are in a position to get rid, the better.

nearertonature · 25/10/2020 14:16

If I was silent, in pain, not reciprocating enjoyment then my partner couldn't enjoy sex and he would stop and ask me if I was ok. That would be more important to him than shagging me. I would be more important to him than shagging. Because that's how healthy, loving adults behave

This! This should be the minimum standard that we should all expect as an absolute right!

RantyAnty · 25/10/2020 14:43

Yes you were coerced and he's a bastard sex pest.

How old is you DC?
Are either of you working?
What are your living arrangements? renting? who is on the lease?
Do you have any RL support near? Family? Friends?

chickenyhead · 25/10/2020 15:00

Wow, if women don't even know what consent is, what hope is there for men? Honestly, shocking.

If OP would have got up and walked away from the sex, given the choice to do so, free of repercussions, which it is clear she would have, she did NOT consent. she allowed herself to be used.

I don't know why, maybe fear, maybe years of being worn down and made to feel like its easier to just give in. I don't know. But I do know that this is not consent.

Consent is active participation without pressure or coercion. Every human being knows deep down whether their partner is really in to it. They just choose who matters more.

I had this coerced sex for 12 years. When we broke up and I refused his coercion, he violently raped me. I took the MAP within 24hrs, no sickness, no alcohol, it didn't work. I now have a 7 yo.

OP it doesn't feel right to you, because you weren't part of it. It could have been anyone.

You deserve better.

chickenyhead · 25/10/2020 15:10

Rape doesn't have to be violent to be rape.

One time my ex , after we discussed the fact that I didn't want more children, mastubated to the point, then forced himself inside me whilst I was sleeping in bed with my 4 yo DS. I didn't scream out because of DS.

OP I suspect that he wants u pregnant and trapped and senses u pulling away. It will only get worse.

chickenyhead · 25/10/2020 17:19

No wonder the conviction rate for rape in this country is so abysmal, if even women cannot understand the word consent and what it means.

Rape isn't a competition, it doesn't have to be some stranger in a dark street to qualify. Anyone who puts their penis in your vagina when, you being given the opportunity to freely stop it, without repercussions, don't want them to, is raping you.

Lots of women lurk on these forums and like the OP they won't understand why they feel off, empty, hollow. They feel like that because they don't even have the basic right to decide who enters their own body.

They don't know who they are anymore, or if they have the right to be heard. Because the public victim blame. You didn't say no though, you agreed, after nagging and manipulation, even though you clearly just lay there in pain, scared of pregnancy, with a child in the house who you don't want to upset. So yeah, you chose that. NO THEY DID NOT.

My piss has now boiled dry.

BubblyBarbara · 25/10/2020 18:43

He has sex with me and I'm just taking it- not enjoying it and in pain

First, he raped you and he's disgusting. I'm very sorry.

But second, if you were in such bad shape it would have hurt as much with a condom as without so you probably should have entirely turned him down rather than just bring up the condom point.

category12 · 25/10/2020 19:02

Thank you for your posts @chickenyhead - sometimes it's like losing the will to live with all the apologism.

Original poster
lovehorror199ii · 25/10/2020 19:10

Sorry, there are a lot of replies and I'm not sure where to start.

I didn't think the sex would hurt. Haven't had sex in 2 months and I did tell him it hurts and he did slowed down. But I should have just stopped it at that and probably gave him the wrong idea. But then I'd have to deal with a strop and a bad atmosphere afterwards.

I do plan to leave. We don't even live as a family anymore.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 25/10/2020 19:17

then I'd have to deal with a strop and a bad atmosphere afterwards.

This is the bit that adds to it being coercion. Yes in an ideal world you would've been more assertive, but there are reasons why you weren't, if strops etc are what you have to contend with if you don't go along with what he wants.

I'm glad you plan to leave, please do so as soon as you can. What's your plan?

Original poster
lovehorror199ii · 25/10/2020 19:23

I'm going to start sleeping next to my daughter in her bed.

Get an IUD or something asap.

Try to stay out of the house as much as I can so he doesnt pester for sex.

And start looking for flats closer to where my family live as I'm not on the mortgage. It's his house.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovehorror199ii · 25/10/2020 19:25

I'm really annoyed that I allowed him to do this and risk pregnancy.

If I still had my contraception in then I'm not sure I would have seen it as forced or pressured. When he was having sex with me I was really just upset with myself for allowing it to happen.

OP posts:
eatthatbueno · 25/10/2020 19:29

Don't blame yourself it wasn't your fault. Too many times women have to say no when it should only be said once.

pinkyredrose · 25/10/2020 19:56

He's a horrific sad little man. Can you leave asap, go and stay with family and just don't go back?

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