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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

30 days no contact - anyone want to join me or handhold

98 replies

Stealthynamechange · 13/09/2020 16:54

hi everyone, after the massively helpful advice on my previous thread, (dp needs space) im now going to try not to contact ex dp for 30 days....
Ive deleted his number & asked him not to message me - this morning he messaged & im struggling.
The pain is very physical & real.
Anyone in same position? Or any tips?
Ive got a blackboard on my wall & ive writen myself a reminder not to message him.

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 10/10/2020 10:36

Ribbon86 You're crying for the person you want him to be. Not the one he is.

Have a cosy weekend with your DC. Leave him to sulk.

LaBellina · 10/10/2020 10:43

OP 2 words.
Distract yourself.

Go for a walk and leave your phone at home. Watch a movie. Invite a friend.

And remember that when we break up, the same part of our brain is activated as when we're trying to quit an addiction.

It will hurt and it's normal.
But try to remember how incredibly proud of yourself you'll be when you make it trough the 30 days. Tips from when I did this : put a cross for each day you managed to stay contact on your calendar. It helps you visualize how far you've come and help you countdown. It makes it less hard. Give yourself a treat each week you made it trough. Doesn't have to be much or expensive. Go for a nice lunch. Buy a lovely lipstick. Etc.

Good luck !

LaBellina · 10/10/2020 10:44

Stay no contact ofcourse not stay contact

Ribbon86 · 10/10/2020 11:06

TwentyViginti
Thank you for taking the time to reply .

LaBellina
That’s what I’ve been doing all week I’ve been off work so it’s been harder to find things to distract me ( back on Monday tho)

I’d love a friend over but my area is in lockdown no visiting our house but I have been talking on the phone loads .

What do you suggest regarding dc will I leave him to contact after he comes out his mood ?

Thanks again everyone

TwentyViginti · 10/10/2020 11:14

He's leaving the mental load to you. I expect he has form for this.

So just enjoy your weekend, do nice stuff, minimum housework, eat junk and watch comedies. Go out if you feel like it, fresh air and a change of scene?

TwentyViginti · 10/10/2020 11:16

Re contact - he's blocked you, so leave it that way.

Ribbon86 · 10/10/2020 11:25

I suppose my problem is I’m trying to see it from his point of view and why he thinks it’s acceptable to not see or contact dc or at least make the effort to discuss things .

I am a worrier and tend to worry about everyone/everything else before myself .... it’s hard to break that habit . I just wish I could turn off my thoughts just for a while

LaBellina · 10/10/2020 11:29

He has blocked you so clearly needs his space. I wouldn't stand in the way if he wants to contact the DC and you think that's ok but minimal contact from your side to arrange things.

I read a lot on a website from I believe -exboyfriendrecovery.com - or something like that. Written from male perspective and very useful. If I remember he had advice for any situation what to do including if DC were Involved.

LaBellina · 10/10/2020 11:32

What I did during that time and had to stay home some nights was making my home a lovely cosy place. Bought my favourite flowers, lit up some lovely scented candles, nice food, beautiful music /good book or movie. Treat yourself to a lovely atmosphere where you feel happy and peaceful inside your own bubble.

Ribbon86 · 10/10/2020 11:35

LaBellina
Thank you for the advice

I’m struggling to understand , I told him to leave as I’d had enough of the constant not helping etc if I didn’t he would still be here now so why does he need space ??

Franwith2and1 · 10/10/2020 11:58

Hi ladies

I recently threw my partner out and finding it so hard. He had a fling on holiday and appeared to still be in touch and arranging to meet her. Everything hurts. I’m torn between not being over him to not being able to believe he could be so cruel. I had breast cancer last year and this all happened right in the middle of me having a reconstruction using my tummy skin and fat, so absolutely vital that I had weight on and was fit. The stress of all this meant I struggled with my weight which was part of the reason I took him back, so I could calm down and eat! He’s let me down terribly but I just can’t smile or function. I’m getting out as much as I can and have the most amazing friends. A really great blogger in Facebook is worth checking out called Ace Metaphor but I’m running out of relevant content already from him!
Ladies we all seem to be hurting and I would really welcome supporting one another
Thanks for letting me on here x

LaBellina · 10/10/2020 12:13

Might be a trick to have you come back running after him. Or a very childish reaction of him, throwing his toys out of the pram.

Whatever the reason behind it, he has somehow got what he wants because you're thinking of him. Even if you can't stop thinking about him, don't give him the pleasure to know you are, so stay strong.

TwentyViginti · 10/10/2020 12:13

@Ribbon86

LaBellina Thank you for the advice

I’m struggling to understand , I told him to leave as I’d had enough of the constant not helping etc if I didn’t he would still be here now so why does he need space ??

I repeat - it's merely punishment. He wants you to beg contact with the DC. He wants his catered life back with no further complaints from you.

He's not fretting and worrying about his DC is he? He knows you'll care for them while he sits back. feet up at his mum's, no doubt being fawned over.

Ribbon86 · 10/10/2020 12:39

You are both so right and deep down I know he’s trying to punish me ... every time I cry I try remind myself he’s “winning” because he’s upsetting me I’m just confused by it all .

He knows I’ll care for the dc they are always number 1 in my priorities unlike his .

I’ve got up had a shower and put some makeup on can’t face going out tho so I’ll spend my day tidying ( house has never been so immaculate)

Franwith2and1 I really do feel for you .... look what you’ve been through and by the sounds of it you done it all on your own ..... so you keep your chin up and continue to do it on your own . Have you had the all clear ? You sound like such an amazing woman to have coped with all of that .... I know you probably don’t feel like your coping but you are and like the rest of us you’ll continue to get stronger and stronger

Franwith2and1 · 10/10/2020 15:41

Thank tou Ribbon86. He wa amazing on my first operation and pretty good on the others. But the last one I lost all my reconstruction and it hit me hard. So I did push him away. I guess someone comes along that says all the right things. I just feel so sad but also angry that he did this now. If I speak to him he asks about my operation but it just feels forced. Once he has taken all his things I will block him again as I hate all the will he message it won’t he and just be done with it
Ladies it’s literally day by day isn’t it x

Ribbon86 · 10/10/2020 15:53

Franwith2and1 It doesn’t matter that you pushed him away ..... you were going through such a traumatic experience that any decent partner would understand and support you .
Do you have dc ?
That’s the feeling I hate waiting for a message or phone call I hate the not knowing part .

It sure is , I’ve spent the whole day cleaning and organising cupboards etc just to keep my mind off things .

LaBellina · 10/10/2020 15:54

Well done OP for staying strong.

If you need inspiration, scrolling trough some Instagram accounts that share positivity also might help, as cliché as it sounds. It helps me to feel more empowered sometimes.

smugsparkle · 24/01/2021 22:12

hope no one minds me resurrecting this chat, Would love to know how everyone is doing and if you've all stayed No Contact or not.
I'm going through this at the moment and I'm on day 19 of No Contact, I've done it before, got to day 30 and he emailed me and I very stupidly replied to him and got hooked back in.
This time I'm so determined that it's over, I am more unhappy when I'm in contact with him and he shows just how disinterested in me he is than when I'm No Contact. I have up and down days but New Year, New Start, also we work at the same place, so lockdown and working from home makes it a bit easier for No Contact and I'm hoping by the time we go back to the office I wont give a damn about him anyway.
Hope everyone is ok, whether in contact or not. X

PuertoVallarta · 28/01/2021 18:27

I’m the OP. I never had a relapse. Once right after the 30 days, I peeked at his Snapchat and saw his acting like a teenager and posing with the woman he cheated on me with in a sexy photo shoot. It put me off him forever.

Now I just feel grateful we’re done, and I can appreciate the good times we had without wishing it had lasted longer.

Good luck to you. I know it’s so hard. The only thing I can say is, eventually you really really will be glad to be done with him.

Be strong. Rant here if you need us. The man you loved doesn’t exist anymore. Other men do. Get better and then get back out there b

PuertoVallarta · 28/01/2021 18:28

Sorry. Was meant to be a full stop at the end of post, not a dangling “b”

smugsparkle · 28/01/2021 19:31

OP, I can't wait to be where you are now and feeling like that,
Day 23 NC for me.

40swrinklesandspots · 28/01/2021 19:38

@ PuertoVallarta that’s fantastic- I’m really pleased you are doing so well! And how cringe worthy is posting sexy snap chat videos- no wonder you went right off him

PuertoVallarta · 30/01/2021 04:52

@40swrinklesandspots It was the final straw. I remember the blood rushing from my whole body and the anger and hurt.

Now I just think what a relief it is I’ll never have to be on Snapchat anymore now that he’s gone.

I’ll stop bumping this thread. But I wanted to clarify that I wasn’t the OP. I thought this was a different thread when I saw it pop up in my watched posts.

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