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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mental abuse and narcissism

44 replies

Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 16:00

hi
I have been in a relationship with a man who I thought was wonderful, I started a relationship with him straight after my marriage and he was great.
I didn't notice it as I was already but he started to really chip away at me.
I asked him to live with me 3 years ago and he went mad, he never did move in but we lived together between 2 houses.
He doesn't stay here now i only stay at his.
He has utterly destroyed me, he is a narcissist i posted here before under a different username and he is definitely narcasstic.
On top of that he was sexting for years.
I still feel stuck to this guy , my mental health has really suffered and I can't see a way of getting out of this and spending time on my own.
I have 2 kids with my ex.

OP posts:
angelofthelight · 23/08/2020 16:04

If you don't live together and you know he's bad for you what's stopping you ending it?

Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 16:05

I meant to say I was already low when we starred the relationship.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 23/08/2020 16:06

Sounds like he filled the void left by your ex. It also sounds like your self esteem is at rock bottom.

If you are missing a relationship with a narcissist then I think you need to seek therapy.

Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 16:06

@angelofthelight
Its hard to explain.
I feel really anxious when I think about all the time I will have to myself.
I feel fixated on happier times and try to convince myself it will come back.
I know it won't.
Its a horrible feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 16:08

@Windmillwhirl
I think you are probably right.
Posting on here always helps. I am at the last hurdle and I just want to step away from him .

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 23/08/2020 16:09

Maybe look up codependency.

Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 16:20

@Windmillwhirl
Thanks, i will do.
I can see that I need to and should leave.
The anxiety takes over.
I suppose 4 years of what he has done will have an effect. X

OP posts:
tickertyboo · 23/08/2020 16:35

Christmashappy - do you think it's time for you to take responsibility for the choices that you have made by choosing to remain in this relationship?

I think you know that the sexting was more than just that - but don't wish to face reality.

What about your plans for the nursing course? Are they still going ahead?

Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 16:38

@tickertyboo
Is it that obvious it is me Shock
Yes I do.
If i am honest i feel like i have in the past been numb to it all and ignored everything..
Its starting to piece together and sink in.
Just never thought he was capable of everything he had done and never expected or wanted to believe he was a narcissist.
Yes I do need to take responsibility, thats why I posted again. I need the support , it helps. A lot.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 16:40

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time of things. But be kind to yourself, these narcissists can sucker anyone in.

I think when you first think of leaving them and actually leave them it can feel worse for a while. For me, for a good month after, I didn't know my arse from my elbow. And was in this constant nervous...flighty..adrenaliney sort of state. But after that first month the fog stated to clear and my system sorta reset itself.

I think living with him I had been in a constant state of fight or flight and he had been the determining factor so once he was gone (even though he caused it) there was nothing to regulate these feelings.

It was like coming off a rollercoaster where at least you could kinda guess where the ups and downs would be...to flying blind through the air.

It isn't easy. But it can be done. And I promise you that the cleaner the break you can make from him, the better. Rip the plaster off. It will hurt. But if you don't do it,the infection will only continue to fester and spread.

After that month was up, I looked back and wished I'd done it sooner. I couldn't understand wtf I'd waited so long. And I felt free, like I was finally able to breathe again. Best decision I've ever made.

Sometimes good things are hard won. But they're worth fighting for.

tickertyboo · 23/08/2020 17:01

Christmashappy - Did he possess certain attributes that you wished you had yourself? If so, what were they?

When we don't believe in ourselves and our capabilities we subconsciously look to others to provide that for us. Do you think something like this was going on here?

Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 17:11

@Bunnymumy
Thanks for that , it really helps.
I think sometimes I struggled to believe he is a narcissist or that he would hurt me that way.
I think it was all too much on my already worn down mental state.
Did you ever worry about him moving on to someone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 17:14

@tickertyboo
I think i thought I had found the ideal man, tons of chemistry he said he thought his chances of a real relationship were over and i think i just got totally intoxicated by him.
I think i need to build myself back up and see what is going on.
Posting on here always helps x

OP posts:
tickertyboo · 23/08/2020 17:16

What I'm trying to say is that you have to develop those missing attributes for yourself. We can only make ourselves a better version of the person we want to be - we can't rely upon someone else to do that for us.

tickertyboo · 23/08/2020 17:21

What is an 'ideal man' to you? Do you think that you projected what you considered 'ideal' onto him? It's easily done when we're not feeling happy in ourselves.

Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 17:22

All the time while I lived with him. He played on that. Enjoyed making me feel like he could be shagging about. And he probably was tbf.

But that feeling on it's own is so ridiculous when you think about it. Because when I think about what I want in a partner, it goes without saying that they should only have eyes for me. That they should reassure me. That being with them should feel comfortable and peaceful...and make me feel good about myself. Not worried and anxious and as if I'll never quite measure up to whatever or whomever else.

I think it's easier if you know this - they never love anyone. They only ever want something until they have it. So if it's you or the last girl or the one that comes after, it'll never be what they want.

And it gets a lot easier when you block them on everything and never see them again because then they can parade anyone under your nose xD

Women are just like mice to a cat for these sorts.
That, and hust there to mess with each others heads, whilst he pulls the strings, like the puppet master.

Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 17:26

*can't parade anyone

Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 17:26

@tickertyboo
That makes sense .
If i am honest I was in a loveless marriage and just came to terms with the fact that the intimate part of my life was over.
I found it in this guy and I got hooked on him. There was obviously more to it than that, he was a gentleman and made me happy.
Sounds dramatic but I have lost all sense of me. I knowi need to get away from this and every time I post on here I get closer to it..
I

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 17:29

@Bunnymumy
Thanks , i need to remember all this.
That is exactly what happened , we kept things quiet for a while, the minute it was public knowledge and I was divorced he started to act the way he does.
Not sure why he was sexting over such a long period of time.
That really hurts.
Thanks for pointing all this out. It really helps. Xx

OP posts:
tickertyboo · 23/08/2020 17:57

Christmashappy - would it be fair of me to say that you've idolised this man and put him on a pedestal? If so, why do you think you've done this? Loneliness? A lack of meaning in your life?

Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 18:01

@tickertyboo
I think that you are right.
I was lonely in my marriage and the narcasstic was outgoing, was affectionate, was passionate and attentive. He isn't any of those things now.
It feels like it has all become a habit and I feel worn down x

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 23/08/2020 18:09

I think you need to be on your own a while. If that scares you then you really need to do it and set better boundaries. From what you have said this isnt a great guy. This is a man that does as he pleases and you accept it out of fear of being alone.

Make a list of all the negative things about the relationship, then take a long look at it and ask yourself is this what you really want.

fluffynotebook · 23/08/2020 18:12

Please end this relationship and go no contact for your own sake.
I'm literally just ending a relationship but with a friend... she completely pulled the wool over my eyes which is 'love bombing', then slowly her mask began to slip and I can truly see her for who she is now. No empathy, manipulates, makes me feel guilty, plays mind games, is self entitled it's all about her and plays the victim. I can't believe now that I fell for it but that's narcissists for you. She is a covert narcissist though as opposed to an overt narcissist.

Original poster
Christmashappy · 23/08/2020 18:14

@Windmillwhirl
Thanks for the advice Flowers
Its turned into such a horrible situation, you are right.
I will make my list tonight x

OP posts:
fluffynotebook · 23/08/2020 18:14

Also look up trauma bonding as this is what happened to me x x