Dh is racist and sexist - would you leave over this?

[Cornflowerblue88]

Dh has for a number of years made racist and sexist comments and I’m sick of it.
He comments on female presenters on television, particularly on sports. He refers to gay women as ‘dykes.’ He spends hours moaning about the fact that his work is trying to recruit women and people from minority groups into higher positions. At the moment only 1% of those in the highest earning positions in the company where he works are women and they are aiming for a heady 4%. Dh goes on a lot about how white straight men are now the most disadvantaged. Sometimes he will pause the tv and say - I wonder why she got that job, woman, tick, Black, tick, dyke, tick, just needs half a leg or something and full house.

I am so sick of it. His thinking is so far away from mine, it’s like different worlds. I feel like I’m done but we have two children.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

I couldn't stay with someone like this but, unless he hid it very well at first, would never have got together with him in the first place.

[MiniTheMinx]

He obviously feels like he's failing at life. He assumes his faults do not exist and that he's failing because he's disadvantaged in some way. Far easier to point to others and postulate their good luck is his misfortune. This is where this idea of hetero white men now being marginalised comes from. They feel threatened whereas before their place in the pecking order went unchallenged. Stupid man.

[5fha]

I really can't comprehend the mental gymnastics that some people must have to do to come to the conclusion that white, hetero males are the most marginalised in society. I mean, just... how??

[vixxo]

Sounds like a deeply unpleasant man. Yes leave him, you don't even need to think about it.

[Embracelife]

You leave.
Better half the week without this in their life than 100 %
You cannot counter when you constantly living with this

[Embracelife]

Than 100% with it every day.

[MiniTheMinx]

5fha, yep exhausting. But men like that don't like to be challenged. They feel entitled even if they do feel disadvantaged.

[tarasmalatarocks]

I think these kinds of things creep up rather than be obvious to begin with , my H was in his 20’s when he lived in Bristol and an awful lot of positive discrimination went on - in real life he isn’t sexist or racist but he did feel at that time in Bristol being a white heterosexual Male was a disadvantage and people who fitted the positive discrimination criteria were being promoted or brought in over him with no experience- I would ask is he generally like this in life , have you challenged him or is it a frustration mainly at work do you think?

[Llamazoom]

My father used to say you had to be a black one legged lesbian from Tower Hamlets to get a council house. My mother has put up with this shit for nearly 50 years, that and the sexist crap he comes out with, he told me when I became a single mother at 36 that I’d never find a decent man now, not at my age with 2 kids.
Leave him, he will only get worse as he gets older. Don’t be like my mother, she’s been unhappy for at least 40 of those years.

[Twillow]

It's a shame you didn't get to see that side of him before you arried.
I think you need to put your foot doen, have a conversation anout the issues and make it clear you don't agree and it's absolute neanderthal behaviour to make these comments.

[londonscalling]

Sorry but his comments are disgusting. Get your kids way from him. Do you really want them listening to that or copying him?

[HarryHarry]

Yes I would leave. If he says those things around your children, you can tell them that that’s why you left. They will learn from you that sexism and racism and homophobia are wrong.

[chipsandgin]

Fuck yes, I’d leave in an instant. Also, I would feel shame by association - if you just let it go you are already essentially condoning it, clearly not your fault he’s a nasty little bigot but seriously imagine if your children end up being racist, misogynistic twats like him when they grow up!? If you aren’t ready to leave then make sure at the very least you educate them to be better people than him. Honestly you obviously deserve better & so do they, life is way too short to spend it with people who are rotten on the inside..

[AnnaFiveTowns]

God, yes, leave him. I can't believe you even have to ask.

[FifteenToes]

You haven't said anything about how old your children are, or the financial and practical aspects of leaving (income, home ownership etc.). As always, it's easy for people reading to say "yes, leave" without knowing all the things making that difficult.

But to be honest if I were I don't think I could see a future in the relationship. I'm not so sure about the setting an example for the children thing; I'd just need to end it because I couldn't possibly fancy someone like that or feel happy in their company. When you say he "makes your skin crawl" you pretty much have your answer.

I suppose the one advantage is there's less urgency than in some failing marriages. It's not like he's abusing you or you or the children are in danger and have to act quickly, so you can take the time you need to sort things properly, get things properly set up financially etc. But I think that would be how I'd have to see my future, and I think really you know it too.