Dh is racist and sexist - would you leave over this?

[Cornflowerblue88]

Dh has for a number of years made racist and sexist comments and I’m sick of it.
He comments on female presenters on television, particularly on sports. He refers to gay women as ‘dykes.’ He spends hours moaning about the fact that his work is trying to recruit women and people from minority groups into higher positions. At the moment only 1% of those in the highest earning positions in the company where he works are women and they are aiming for a heady 4%. Dh goes on a lot about how white straight men are now the most disadvantaged. Sometimes he will pause the tv and say - I wonder why she got that job, woman, tick, Black, tick, dyke, tick, just needs half a leg or something and full house.

I am so sick of it. His thinking is so far away from mine, it’s like different worlds. I feel like I’m done but we have two children.

[FifteenToes]

You haven't said anything about how old your children are, or the financial and practical aspects of leaving (income, home ownership etc.). As always, it's easy for people reading to say "yes, leave" without knowing all the things making that difficult.

But to be honest if I were I don't think I could see a future in the relationship. I'm not so sure about the setting an example for the children thing; I'd just need to end it because I couldn't possibly fancy someone like that or feel happy in their company. When you say he "makes your skin crawl" you pretty much have your answer.

I suppose the one advantage is there's less urgency than in some failing marriages. It's not like he's abusing you or you or the children are in danger and have to act quickly, so you can take the time you need to sort things properly, get things properly set up financially etc. But I think that would be how I'd have to see my future, and I think really you know it too.

[AnnaFiveTowns]

God, yes, leave him. I can't believe you even have to ask.

[chipsandgin]

Fuck yes, I’d leave in an instant. Also, I would feel shame by association - if you just let it go you are already essentially condoning it, clearly not your fault he’s a nasty little bigot but seriously imagine if your children end up being racist, misogynistic twats like him when they grow up!? If you aren’t ready to leave then make sure at the very least you educate them to be better people than him. Honestly you obviously deserve better & so do they, life is way too short to spend it with people who are rotten on the inside..

[HarryHarry]

Yes I would leave. If he says those things around your children, you can tell them that that’s why you left. They will learn from you that sexism and racism and homophobia are wrong.

[londonscalling]

Sorry but his comments are disgusting. Get your kids way from him. Do you really want them listening to that or copying him?

[Twillow]

It's a shame you didn't get to see that side of him before you arried.
I think you need to put your foot doen, have a conversation anout the issues and make it clear you don't agree and it's absolute neanderthal behaviour to make these comments.

[Llamazoom]

My father used to say you had to be a black one legged lesbian from Tower Hamlets to get a council house. My mother has put up with this shit for nearly 50 years, that and the sexist crap he comes out with, he told me when I became a single mother at 36 that I’d never find a decent man now, not at my age with 2 kids.
Leave him, he will only get worse as he gets older. Don’t be like my mother, she’s been unhappy for at least 40 of those years.

[tarasmalatarocks]

I think these kinds of things creep up rather than be obvious to begin with , my H was in his 20’s when he lived in Bristol and an awful lot of positive discrimination went on - in real life he isn’t sexist or racist but he did feel at that time in Bristol being a white heterosexual Male was a disadvantage and people who fitted the positive discrimination criteria were being promoted or brought in over him with no experience- I would ask is he generally like this in life , have you challenged him or is it a frustration mainly at work do you think?

[MiniTheMinx]

5fha, yep exhausting. But men like that don't like to be challenged. They feel entitled even if they do feel disadvantaged.

[Embracelife]

Than 100% with it every day.

[Embracelife]

You leave.
Better half the week without this in their life than 100 %
You cannot counter when you constantly living with this

[vixxo]

Sounds like a deeply unpleasant man. Yes leave him, you don't even need to think about it.

[5fha]

I really can't comprehend the mental gymnastics that some people must have to do to come to the conclusion that white, hetero males are the most marginalised in society. I mean, just... how??

[MiniTheMinx]

He obviously feels like he's failing at life. He assumes his faults do not exist and that he's failing because he's disadvantaged in some way. Far easier to point to others and postulate their good luck is his misfortune. This is where this idea of hetero white men now being marginalised comes from. They feel threatened whereas before their place in the pecking order went unchallenged. Stupid man.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

I couldn't stay with someone like this but, unless he hid it very well at first, would never have got together with him in the first place.

[Justyouraveragehuman]

Leave this man! We don’t need the next generation of children thinking these views are okay!

[ekidmxcl]

The OP has two kids with this man. Don't break their home up without fully thinking all the consequences through. Divorce has lifelong repurcussions.

Personally I think a conversation with your dh about these comments would be a good idea.

[TheOriginalNutty]

I got rid of xp for the same reasons and some others.

I couldn't bare to be around him and certainly didn't want my kids growing up around that kind of person.

He used to say the most vile things if we drove past a mosque and about Muslims in general.

He's now married to a Muslim women, has converted and lives the life of riley in Paris

[NoMoreDickheads]

He sounds really rough OP. And not even fit! I thought at least he would have like macho good looks going for him.

I don't think you personally can live with this stuff.

If he has the kids some of the time, you could just mention in your time with them that this stuff is not ok.

[ChristmasFluff]

Well he's saying what he likes already, isn't he, so not sure in what ay you are 'tempering' it?

By staying, you are demonstrating that it's fine to be married to a racist sexist.

By leaving, you show that if you find yourself with a racist or sexist, you leave.

Preferably the first time you hear it

[Totteridge]

A pity you were ever with him in the first place and I could understand if you left.

[random9876]

I couldn‘t even spend an evening in the pub with someone like that without walking out so - yep! Leave!

[NotaCoolMum]

Only need to read the title to say “yes” to leaving.

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

Have you tried ridiculing him?

If he asks you why you're mocking him, just point out that the ridicule will stop when he stops being ridiculous.

Ask him if he's not got a statue to go and guard, that sort of thing.

[MojoJojo71]

Yes, I split up with my ex for exactly this reason. It was really subtle to begin with but then in the time leading up to brexit it’s like it became socially acceptable to be racist and he became much more vocal about ‘benefit scroungers’ and bloody immigrants’. His views became much more right wing, he even started talking about how the Holocaust was exaggerated. When we met he never displayed these attitudes or I never would have given him the time of day but gradually he got worse and I got sick of it. We have a 7yo DD who stays with him twice a week and she will occasionally come back and tell me something daddy has said and then we sit down and talk about it and come to the conclusion that daddy is wrong. I find it’s actually easier to temper it when we are apart.