Dh is racist and sexist - would you leave over this?

[Cornflowerblue88]

Dh has for a number of years made racist and sexist comments and I’m sick of it.
He comments on female presenters on television, particularly on sports. He refers to gay women as ‘dykes.’ He spends hours moaning about the fact that his work is trying to recruit women and people from minority groups into higher positions. At the moment only 1% of those in the highest earning positions in the company where he works are women and they are aiming for a heady 4%. Dh goes on a lot about how white straight men are now the most disadvantaged. Sometimes he will pause the tv and say - I wonder why she got that job, woman, tick, Black, tick, dyke, tick, just needs half a leg or something and full house.

I am so sick of it. His thinking is so far away from mine, it’s like different worlds. I feel like I’m done but we have two children.

[seaswimmer1]

yes leave and asap. they are deeply unattractive beliefs to have so i wouldnt want to be with someone like that. also incredibly damaging for your children to be around.

[rvby]

When he has them alone, he will say what he likes, and the dc will notice over time that he's a miserable old git without a kind word to say about anyone, slowly shedding friends and loved ones as he becomes more and more awful. They will learn that they don't want to be like him.

When you have them alone, you'll say what you like, and the dc will notice over time that you're a loving, fair person who tries to contribute to a more equitable world. New friends will come into your life, you'll have people around, have nice parties at christmas, the kids' black/gay/disabled/what-have-you friends will be welcome, etc. etc. and the DC will grow up wanting to be more like you.

If you stay together, they learn that it's ok to be a horrible racist as long as you have a wife to "temper" it. Or if you have a dd, that she needs to stay married to a horrible person in order to rescue him from the consequences of their own opinions and words.

Your choice op. I know which one I'd choose.

[lunar1]

Please leave him. A child at school before lockdown) kept calling my children racist slurs learnt from his parents. Leave him and make sure your children know why you left. You are going to have to go above and beyond to educate them.

[ChavvySexPond]

I couldn't fancy a man like that. And I wouldn't want my children to grow up with a man like that.

Staying with him sends a reinforcing message of acceptance of his racism and sexism and victimhood no matter what you say IMO. Actions speak louder than words.

[FrenchtoEnglish]

Put @rvby in charge of the world.

[Cornflowerblue88]

No, I don’t fancy him. It makes my skin crawl, some of it.

[Regularsizedrudy]

Yes I would leave. Tbh he wouldn’t have got a first date, oh but of course he didn’t reveal it..

[dudsville]

I left over one one of those. Why wouldn't you?

[thisstooshallpass]

This is awful. Your poor children. Is he outwardly racist and sexist in front of the children or just you?

[Bellesavage]

My DH was a bit like this when I met him and mainly because he didn't know any better. He'd been brought up with his family thinking this was normal, and he had been introduced into reading trashy right wing papers.

I challenged all his views, I encouraged him to read more widely and pointed out how biased the louty football shows he loved were and how trashy the papers he read were.

He grew up! Last year he had a stand up row with his family about feminism because they said women shouldn't work. He's a diversity champion at work and prides himself on being an inclusive manager.

But he was 18 when we met so maybe your oh is more set in his ways?

[sangrias]

I would. This is v outing but I am fully No Contact with two members of DH's family for similar.
One described an african lady as 'a mumbawumba' and the other person muttered 'little slag' under his breath as a young teenager walked past in a summery outfit.

Literally life is too short for this batshit backwardness. I spoke up and said I don't feel comfortable with that attitude and it's not ok.
Sadly for me both of these people still get to interact with my kids - and there's not much I can do about it. But my kids will know I make no cover up or excuse for racism and sexism and I don't socialise with people who do.

[fallfallfall]

well if you don't fancy him then you don't fancy him. no point in beating a dead horse or finding more reasons to stay. leave.

[ThePathToHealing]

Does he take your concerns seriously?

Your kids will be exposed to this sort of stuff all the time, from lots of sources. Encourage your children to learn about other people and to have compassion (I'm sure they do already) and to make their own mind up.

My whole family dynamic was very much this. I was even told to eat less and that I couldn't mow the lawn because I was girl, my grandparents referred to race as 'breeds' etc. I am very much liberal and oppose their views entirely having made my own mind up on what I consider appropriate behaviour.

[mindutopia]

How did you end up married to someone like that in the first place? Nope, wouldn't have made it past half a first date.

Yes, I would end a marriage rather than put up with that sort of crap.

[Tappering]

The staying to temper the effect is a false premise.

By staying you are telling your kids that it's ok to express these opinions, and that we just grit our teeth and bear racism and sexism.

By leaving, you tell them that racism and sexism is unacceptable. And that it's a good thing to leave a relationship where you aren't happy. And by raising them to challenge racism and sexism, they'll end up voting with their feet - and he will have two choices; to rein it in if he wants to see his kids or not seeing them at all full stop.

[MojoJojo71]

Yes, I split up with my ex for exactly this reason. It was really subtle to begin with but then in the time leading up to brexit it’s like it became socially acceptable to be racist and he became much more vocal about ‘benefit scroungers’ and bloody immigrants’. His views became much more right wing, he even started talking about how the Holocaust was exaggerated. When we met he never displayed these attitudes or I never would have given him the time of day but gradually he got worse and I got sick of it. We have a 7yo DD who stays with him twice a week and she will occasionally come back and tell me something daddy has said and then we sit down and talk about it and come to the conclusion that daddy is wrong. I find it’s actually easier to temper it when we are apart.

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

Have you tried ridiculing him?

If he asks you why you're mocking him, just point out that the ridicule will stop when he stops being ridiculous.

Ask him if he's not got a statue to go and guard, that sort of thing.

[NotaCoolMum]

Only need to read the title to say “yes” to leaving.

[random9876]

I couldn‘t even spend an evening in the pub with someone like that without walking out so - yep! Leave!

[Totteridge]

A pity you were ever with him in the first place and I could understand if you left.

[ChristmasFluff]

Well he's saying what he likes already, isn't he, so not sure in what ay you are 'tempering' it?

By staying, you are demonstrating that it's fine to be married to a racist sexist.

By leaving, you show that if you find yourself with a racist or sexist, you leave.

Preferably the first time you hear it

[NoMoreDickheads]

He sounds really rough OP. And not even fit! I thought at least he would have like macho good looks going for him.

I don't think you personally can live with this stuff.

If he has the kids some of the time, you could just mention in your time with them that this stuff is not ok.

[TheOriginalNutty]

I got rid of xp for the same reasons and some others.

I couldn't bare to be around him and certainly didn't want my kids growing up around that kind of person.

He used to say the most vile things if we drove past a mosque and about Muslims in general.

He's now married to a Muslim women, has converted and lives the life of riley in Paris

[ekidmxcl]

The OP has two kids with this man. Don't break their home up without fully thinking all the consequences through. Divorce has lifelong repurcussions.

Personally I think a conversation with your dh about these comments would be a good idea.

[Justyouraveragehuman]

Leave this man! We don’t need the next generation of children thinking these views are okay!