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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending because of a wet wipe

67 replies

WetWipes101 · 24/06/2020 15:29

Been together 16 yrs, 3 kids all under the age of 10. Today I complained the toys were in a mess because my DP just throws them back anywhere. He picked up the wet wipes packet in a temper and launched it at me, which hit me on the arm.
Last week, he pushed his forehead into mine and pushed me. A couple of months ago, he smacked my arm away in a temper. This behaviour has only started happening in the last few months, he’s never laid a hand on me over the years we have been together.
I’ve decided it’s over, unfortunately I’m stuck for two weeks as we are self isolating. My son is disabled and had important treatment today, which was extremely stressful.
Just looking for support through the next couple of weeks. Not sure how I’m going to get through it. I’m so angry right now

OP posts:
ArriettyJones · 24/06/2020 15:31

No, you’re splitting because of his violent temper. You know that. Flowers

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 24/06/2020 15:32

...this isn't "ending a relationship because of a wet wipe". Reframe that, right now.

You are ending a relationship because your OH is physically abusing you, and you and your children deserve better.

You've made a hard, brave decision here, and as painful as it must be, it is a decision that you should be incredibly proud of.

lucielle · 24/06/2020 15:34

The straw that broke the camels back.

Original poster
WetWipes101 · 24/06/2020 15:35

I haven’t told him the decision yet. I can’t even talk to him right now. As soon as he threw it I just removed myself from the room.
He’s unable to speak like an adult. He will either start shouting over me if I try to speak, or just walk off. I would love an adult conversation with him but it’s incapable of it.

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 24/06/2020 15:37

Do you have a plan for when you are able to leave?

Comtesse · 24/06/2020 15:37

Don’t tell him before you go - that’s when it can be tricky particularly as he is upping the ante - cards close to your chest and stay safe

Knittedfairies · 24/06/2020 15:38

Yep, the wet wipe was the catalyst but not the reason. He is physically abusing you.

Magickl · 24/06/2020 15:39

Stay angry. This type of man will tell himself it's not abuse because he hasn't "lifted a hand" to you. Like the ex who would push me into walls.

isthismylifenow · 24/06/2020 15:40

It was the cherry on the top OP.

The next few weeks will be tough but it gives you time to get everything you need to in order.

All the best Flowers

Itisbetter · 24/06/2020 15:40

Was he always like this or is it totally new?

hellsbellsmelons · 24/06/2020 15:41

If feel like I've written this 10 times today.
DETACH!!!!!
Only converse with him when you absolutely have to.
Walk away from any raised voice or any sign of things escalating.
Get out for a walk on your own every day. You need the headspace out of that awful environment.
Reach out to family and friends closer to your leaving date.
Do you have an exit plan in place?

Original poster
WetWipes101 · 24/06/2020 15:41

He had the cheek to say I have anger issues. He seems to project who he is onto me. I find it really strange.
He is constantly putting me down all the time, doesn’t have a positive word to say about anyone or anything. It’s so draining. I find myself sitting in other rooms so I don’t have to be in his draining company. Feels like he’s sucking the good energy out of me.

OP posts:
Quackersandcheese3 · 24/06/2020 15:41

I’d be absolutely devastated if my husband started behaving this way . I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

I wonder what’s going on with him to make him act like this ?

SunshineCake · 24/06/2020 15:43

Say nothing until you are sorted with a place to go to or someone to get him out.

I left my ex after he kicked my pet. That was the final straw after her had hit me twice. He seemed very surprised when I left. I'm not even sure if I told him tbh before I went.

LittleWing80 · 24/06/2020 15:43

If you're stuck there 2 weeks OP, don’t tell him you’re planning to leave. He will make it hard for you, either brainwash, gaslight you or turn nasty.
Whats your plan for when you leave

Original poster
WetWipes101 · 24/06/2020 15:44

His behaviour is new and maybe down to everyone being trapped in the house together. It does feel like a zoo some days. He’s very short tempered with the kids and shouts at them.

We are supposed to be getting married next year. Couldn’t think of anything worse. I need to speak to my mother about what to do. I’m sure lots of women are going through this right now. Lockdown seems to have brought the worst out in already Rocky relationships

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 24/06/2020 15:45

Is this totally new behaviour? You have been together a long time, has this side of his character just started to show?
It's not easy to walk away just like that. You are going to need support and a good realistic plan.

TorkTorkBam · 24/06/2020 15:48

How about this: You are ending the relationship because his shouting and negativity has now escalated to small acts of violence and you can see that serious violence is likely to follow.

This is also why you should not tell him it is over until you can force him out of the house or you and the children can leave.

Whose name is the house in?

Winter2020 · 24/06/2020 15:50

If I had been with my husband 16 years and he had started to become angry and aggressive in the last couple of months I would ask him if he was willing to go for counselling/speak to his GP/ explore if he might be depressed - try medication, before I left. But you must do what’s right for you. Would you like to try to get things back on track or are you over it and just want rid?

Original poster
WetWipes101 · 24/06/2020 15:54

Winter. He isn’t the type of person to sit and talk to someone about his feelings. I’ve tried to get him to do that before.
I tried to get things back on track the last two times he was aggressive physically. He hasn’t punched me but two years ago I would have never thought he would partially head butt me and then push me.

OP posts:
violetscone · 24/06/2020 15:54

@Winter2020

If I had been with my husband 16 years and he had started to become angry and aggressive in the last couple of months I would ask him if he was willing to go for counselling/speak to his GP/ explore if he might be depressed - try medication, before I left. But you must do what’s right for you. Would you like to try to get things back on track or are you over it and just want rid?
She can’t get things on track, she’s not the one who’s violently abusive.
Ninkanink · 24/06/2020 15:56

No, do not start trying to help him help himself. He’s choosing to behave this way, and only he can fix it. OP should not stick around to see whether or not he can be bothered.

OP has children and is absolutely right to take herself and her children out of this situation as soon as she can, for her own safety and to prevent any damage to her children.

OP you have got it absolutely right. You already know that you aren’t going to stand for this.

Do not stay with him a minute longer than you have to. Do not tell him about your decision or your plans.

FourDecades · 24/06/2020 16:00

I think once it's deteriorated to violence, a line of respect has been crossed.... and is easy to cross again.

The fear of them crossing it again will always be there - even if it's year's since it last happened

Living with fear of what could happen is sole destroying

HollowTalk · 24/06/2020 16:01

It's horrible when home isn't a safe place.

Think practically. What will you do in two weeks' time that you can't do now?

Start to gather together any documents you might need. Take a photo of each and email them to yourself at a new email address. Take photos of any hard copy photos you have, too, just in case.

StressedMom4 · 24/06/2020 16:02

Oh op I'm so sorry for you, but you're making the right decision leaving him. I wouldn't tell him until you actually pack up and leave, you won't be able to predict how he'll act between now and then so best to act as normal as possible.

This behaviour has only just come on the last couple of months? It could be because of lockdown, it could be because of something else. But that's not your problem to deal with, remember it's up to him to change his behaviour.

Good luck op.