Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being told not to be friends with ex

69 replies

monsin · 07/11/2019 09:41

Fairly new relationship . Started off online so been chatting for months . Met up last week , got on well .
But I've been married before , me and ex have remained good friends although he's told me he still loves me .

So while I was in new blokes place ex phoned me (even though he knew where I was) new bloke not impressed .

Long story short I lied about being still in contact with ex , new bloke found out and has given me ultimatum ... either get rid of ex completely or he's done .

Not sure how I feel about that . Does he have a point or is he being controlling ?

OP posts:
HulksPurplePanties · 07/11/2019 09:43

Tell the new bloke to fuck off to the far side of fuck. He has no right to tell you who you can be friends with.

prawnsword · 07/11/2019 09:44

He has a point because your ex is calling & they say they still love you. So it’s probably kinder to let the relationship go, so it doesn’t affect your future relationships + allows him to move on.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/11/2019 09:45

new bloke found out and has given me ultimatum ... either get rid of ex completely or he's done
If you can't see that this is huge red flag then please ensure you do the Freedom Programme asap.
Yes he is being controlling!
No, it's not OK.
He can get to fuck.
Run OP and don't look back!
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

prawnsword · 07/11/2019 09:46

It’s the fact you lied that I would take issue with. But it’s so new, very early to issue ultimatums. So he could be controlling or he could not be... do you think your ex could comfortably hang out with your new boyfriends ?

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 07/11/2019 09:46

Dump him op, he will escalate his controlling nature as time goes on. This is just a glimpse of what a relationship with him will be like.

Also stop lying about who you are in contact with.

LemonTT · 07/11/2019 09:57

Your ex is wrong to continue to tell you he loves you. Your ex is wrong to deliberately interfere by calling during a date. It would be reasonable to assume he is being manipulative and interfering

You current is wrong to tell you what to do and how to live your life. It would be reasonable to assume he is controlling

You are wrong to lie to the current and to continue to engage with your ex’s behaviour. To the point you told him all about the timing of your date. It might be reasonable to assume things about your behaviour too.

It might be time to ask yourself why you got into this position and what you want from your ex and current.

RoseHippy1 · 07/11/2019 10:01

I agree with LemonTT - nobody’s behaviour is great in this scenario. I too think you need to have a a long hard think about your relationship with your ex and boundaries , and what you expect from a new relationship.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/11/2019 10:08

I dont think anybody who tells you who you can be friends with is worth dating. However, I dont think Id be comfortable starting a relationship with someone whose ex is still in to them and communicates regularly.
I would personally just walk away if I was him.

Do you and your ex share kids? If not and you continue to be in contact I can see this being an issue for most of your future bfs.

Original poster
monsin · 07/11/2019 10:13

No I don't have kids with my ex. We split up because he is an alcoholic . New bloke knows this so can't understand why I'm still in contact with him . I don't really understand it myself to be honest . I think I just like chatting to him and knowing he really cares about me.. or so I thought . Maybe he's being the controlling one .

Yes my behaviour wasn't great in all this I agree .
It's just the new blokes ultimatum has thrown me more than anything .

But I agree I need to sort my head out about how I feel x

OP posts:
Cheekyneighbour · 07/11/2019 10:18

Don’t chose the new guy. Do you have kids? Nothing wrong with staying friends with an ex, I think your new partner is being very unreasonable and this would be a red flag for me

RLEOM · 07/11/2019 10:19

So your ex is still in love with you and you both talk all the time? I wouldn't date you, that's for sure. Being friends with an ex is one thing, but constant contact and love? No. Also, do you not think you should do your ex a favour and cut it off so he can get over you?

Original poster
monsin · 07/11/2019 10:19

I have older kids so they are not affected by any of this x

OP posts:
saraclara · 07/11/2019 10:20

You only met this guy a week ago and he's issuing ultimatums?

Original poster
monsin · 07/11/2019 10:21

@RLEOM I've tried to cut contact but he begs me not to. He's very vulnerable and I worry about him .

But I agree . If it was the other way round I would just walk away from new bloke , I wouldn't tell him who he could be friends with

OP posts:
RLEOM · 07/11/2019 10:21

And you don't even understand the relationship you currently have with your ex. I'd say you've still got feelings for him. I think you should cut contact with both and work on being a single unit.

RLEOM · 07/11/2019 10:23

Or would you consider working on things with your ex?

I get angry because my friend did this to her ex fiance. She dragged it out, used him loving her for some kind of ego boost. The poor ex clung on for 2 years hoping they'd get back together. I felt so sorry for him.

VaggieMight · 07/11/2019 10:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

Original poster
monsin · 07/11/2019 10:25

@RLEOM I suggested in the past we could try and get back together but he said he wouldn't want to do that to me because he won't stop drinking .

I need to let him go don't I Sad

OP posts:
prawnsword · 07/11/2019 10:31

well yes you do

How would you feel knowing your new fella keeps his ex on the go because he likes the feeling of knowing she still cares about him ?

It doesn’t really bode well for healthy future relationships.

Finish your past before commencing with your future. This doesn’t sound like a true platonic friendship, just holding onto your past & it’s affecting your future.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 07/11/2019 10:37

You would do well to block both men and to seek counselling for yourself, at the very least do the freedom programme

WestSideSnorey · 07/11/2019 10:38

Personally I don't think this is in any way controlling. You have met this guy once and during that time your alcoholic Ex who you told him you were not in contact with called you up. You then admitted that you had lied about contact with this Ex.

The new date then told you his position, that he won't date you if you are in touch with the Alcoholic Ex that you'd claimed not to be in touch with. The new date has no hold over you so I don't get the controlling thing, he just has set his boundaries at his very earliest opportunity.

If you don't like his boundaries then just end it, if you agree that actually your lies made him believe one thing that was acceptable to him when the truth was something unacceptable to him, and that you would rather be the person you claimed to be then do something about it.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/11/2019 10:49

bin both of them.. Flowers

Twooter · 07/11/2019 10:50

What West Side Said. New bf is just letting you know what his position is. Better now than 6 months down the line when he’s a lot more emotionally involved.

Original poster
monsin · 07/11/2019 10:52

Thankyou all for taking the time to reply .

I've just sent ex a message saying I have to walk away from the friendship as it's best for both of us . I've blocked contact with him .

In regards to new bloke not sure yet. I'll leave that for now until I sort my head out.

Thanks again x

OP posts:
AmIThough · 07/11/2019 10:56

I think you need to walk away from both of them

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.