Being told not to be friends with ex

[monsin]

Fairly new relationship . Started off online so been chatting for months . Met up last week , got on well .
But I've been married before , me and ex have remained good friends although he's told me he still loves me .

So while I was in new blokes place ex phoned me (even though he knew where I was) new bloke not impressed .

Long story short I lied about being still in contact with ex , new bloke found out and has given me ultimatum ... either get rid of ex completely or he's done .

Not sure how I feel about that . Does he have a point or is he being controlling ?

I’d dump you for lying.

Well done OP.
Definitely do some work on yourself.
You aren't ready for a new relationship yet. Understandably.
I'm assuming your Ex has family and friends to look out for him?
Even if he doesn't, he is NOT your responsibility.
He needs to sort his own life out.
It will not be doing him any good either to have you there an emotional crutch whenever he wants.
I hope you can move on.

But ultimatum from new bloke on a first date!
NOT OK OP.

Good move OP. Your ex has only one love, its alcohol. The rest is take it or leave it. It is an all consuming passion.

No one should be telling you, who to be friends with but if I started dating someone who lied to me by saying he had no contact with his ex and then it turned out that he was still in contact and that his ex was still love with him I would be royally pissed off.
I think you should bin him but then I would also say to both your current and ex that they should bin you too!

@Cheeseandwin5 I don't disagree . I've not handled any of this well .

I appreciate the honesty , it's made me take a good hard look at myself

Did you answer the phone to your ex whilst on the date? Or did he just ring and you looked at your phone and said, 'oh, it's my ex'?

Because answering the phone to your ex whilst on your first date with a new man is actually quite bad behaviour, unless you were expecting the call/he had the kids.

I seriously would consider the new bloke too OP.

You can’t be the one to help your ex. He knows this, but you can tell him how much you want him to get better.

The new bloke needs to go. 100%

Who the fuck does he think he is telling you who you can and who you and can’t see/be friends?

This is a man hole fucking forest of red flags, he’s a wrong un

NEXT!

I'd also dump youbfornlyingm no issues with being friend swith an ex.

But your ex has also told you he still loves you and called you when you were with your new boyfriend.

Tbh, I'd also dump you for having such shit boundaries.

Well done, OP! You must stick to it.

My ex did something very similar to what you've been doing to the new guy. It drove me nuts for months, but I loved him very much, so I stayed. Needless to say, it didn't end well and he's repeated the same behaviour towards his new gf but now I'm the ex. Don't be that person.

So your ex called while you were with the new guy
and the new guy asked if you were still in contact with him?

and you lied and said no.

Frankly who you talk to or not is none of his business. You've met once. He's a stranger.
If that wasn't bad enough he demanded you stop speaking to your ex.

Who does this guy think he is? He has no right to tell you anything.

Did you answer the call from your ex? I personally wouldn’t like that.

However have you only met new guy once? I don’t think I would bother with him again.

I did answer call from ex as I always worry he's in trouble (I know, not my responsibility )
I've been speaking to boyfriend online for about 8 months , but last weekend was our first meet up. It went well , not perfect , he can be quite arrogant .
So yeah maybe it's best to cut ties with him also . A friend said if I thought he was the one I wouldn't have treated him like that to start with .

That's the problem with talking with someone online for so long before meeting. They can present themselves anyway they want and it builds a familiarity that isn't based in reality.

He wouldn't be the one as he's a stranger you just met.

With your ex, just because your marriage didn't work out, doesn't mean you don't still care. It sounds like you both care but know that because he's an alcoholic, it's best to be apart.

If you want to move on, maybe it would be best to have a talk with your ex and tell him that you need some space for awhile. Then you can really move on.
Then maybe in 6 months or a year or so, you can really be just regular friends.

I think your friend has a good point.

Well done for blocking your ex. It will be better for him - at the moment he must be clinging on to his memories of the two of you, and even if he says he wouldn't ask you back due to his alcohol problem, it must surely be there in his mind.

Have you ever looked into co-dependency? It's very common in people who perceive themselves as needing to "save" others, particularly addicts. It's a very unhealthy way to live. My family of origin are like the poster children for it but thankfully I've recognised my behaviour in the last couple of decades and broken free from it.

OK, your new boyfriend is arrogant and certainly shouldn't tell you who you can and can't talk to. Get rid.

And your ex is still in love with you and you still deserve feelings for him, and he's an alcoholic, but you've now kindly told him you can't continue the friendship, which was a great move.

In future, try to avoid online relationships, especially ones that go on for that long without meeting them first. Everyone is different online and meeting someone in person is so important as it shows their true colours and if you really have the compatibility to be together. Time is too precious to waste.

@RLEOM Thankyou for your input into my post . You've made a lot of sense.

I feel much relief after ending friendship with ex. I feel I can move on easier .

Not gonna lie I'm still hoping to hear from boyfriend even though it's probably a bad idea

What boyfriend?!

I agree with the Freedom Programme recommendation. I really think you should do the course before you try dating again.

Why did you talk for so long online before meeting?
He's really not your boyfriend is he? Not if you've only met once.
You need to sort out your proper separation from XH before you even think about dating anyone else.

Yeah I call him my boyfriend loosely as I didn't know what else to call him

My best friend is an ex boyfriend, we also had a FWB arrangement when I first started seeing my current boyfriend. If current boyfriend didn’t like it that would have been fine, it would just mean that we weren’t suited to other. Current boyfriend, ex and I have been to a couple of events together, all fine.

However, if I had been lied to that would be a huge issue for me and I’m not sure I could forgive that.

I'd definitely dump the new guy. I'm splitting from my husband but there is stuff he needs to know - we need to discuss. We do have children, but equally I did want to be informed of his neice's problems as I have known her since she was 6 and care about her. Another Ex I'm facebook friends with, partly because if you married someone for their family I'd have married him, so I like to know what has happened to them.

Anyone who tried to controll who I was friendly with would be shown the door.
On the other hand an ex phoning me while they knew I was on a date...well unless it was an emergency, it sounds suspect.

I had actually had this.
And choose to stick with dp because I knew he was the one.

Later he relaxed and ex came ti our wedding (we also went to ex's wedding ) and our last house warm party.

We also both chat to ex if we bump (get trapped) in the supermarket with ex.

MollyButton

Ordinarily I'd agree but i think talking to an ex, who says they still love you , to the point where they know when you're with a new boyfriend and they phone when you're with them is probably beyond staying amicable for the sake of effective communication re the children.