Being told not to be friends with ex

[monsin]

Fairly new relationship . Started off online so been chatting for months . Met up last week , got on well .
But I've been married before , me and ex have remained good friends although he's told me he still loves me .

So while I was in new blokes place ex phoned me (even though he knew where I was) new bloke not impressed .

Long story short I lied about being still in contact with ex , new bloke found out and has given me ultimatum ... either get rid of ex completely or he's done .

Not sure how I feel about that . Does he have a point or is he being controlling ?

Boyfriend has now blocked me from messenger.
I know I deserve it, but is that another control thing ? Or just hates me

New guy isn't out of order here. Starting something with someone new when the ex is still in the picture is always going to be tricky & will give the wrong impression. And it maybe only phonecalls, but he ( the ex ) is definitely still lurking around. Never mind lying about it & then being found out! New bloke was probably livid that there you were in his place talking to your ex on the phone .... I mean WTF? Where is your respect for new guy ???

Everyone that is saying dump new guy as he's controlling etc he probably just won't & doesn't want to tolerate this crap as neither would I.

OP I suggest you take a break on the dating front & have a good hard think about boundaries in regards to your ex & how this would have made you feel had it been reversed.

New guy is well within his rights as far as I'm concerned.

You lied about your ex so he doesn't trust you and doesn't wish to carry on seeing you. Not seeing a control thing there at all. You screwed it up.
If it was a man who was still in close contact with an ex who still loved him and he lied to a new GF, she'd be told to dump him. Same applies here

Blocking you just means he doesn't want you to contact him and he doesn't want to hear from you again.
I block all my Ex's as soon as they become Ex's
It's too tempting to contact them otherwise.
So yes, it's about control, but controlling myself. It may be what works best for him as well.
Don't over think it all OP.
You went on one date.
It hasn't worked out.
You are learning from this experience.

why did you lie?

Yes it’s a massive red flag

Leave your ex alone to get over you.

Well you lied to him
So not
A Promising start really ?

Yeah, close relationship with an ex is a red flag in and of itself, as exes are the single biggest threat to future relationship, but lying about relationship with an ex...is game over on just about every level.

When I got back into the dating pool after my divorce, I was up front and very clear that I would not be in a relationship with someone who had close ties to an ex. Not worth it when there are countless potential partner without that kind of baggage.

Honestly I think you've done the right thing blocking your ex. It's time to move on.

As for new 'boyfriend' I think it's ok for him to assert his boundaries but the whole situation with him seems off. Why were you talking for eight months before meeting?

If you hadn't have lied about it, I'd have said to tell the new bloke to fuck off...

I'd be pissed you lied so early on, tbh if I was the new bloke I'd be worried about red flags you're waving regarding the lying about the ex

If you werent still encouraging/invested with ex then the new guy wouldnt even need to know about it.
Nobody in their right mind would be happy about you taking a call in their home from your ex, that you know still professes to love you.

Thanks for all the replies . Boyfriend has said things in past that seemed off (don't get fat , his preference for lady garden styles ) was supposed to see him weeks ago but he said he'd met someone nearer home so called it off .
So yeah maybe I've had a close shave with that one

But I've learnt a big lesson through all this . NEVER lie whatever the reason , and to let ex go which I have done .

So thanks again x

Sounds like the best outcome all round.
Your 'friendship' with your ex wasn't good for you. Your need to help him/check he's ok hints at co-dependency.
I was in a situation like this with my ex for a while and it was doing my head in. I wasn't able to move on properly. Things are better now that I have minimal contact with him and am concentrating on enjoying being single for a while.
I suggest you do the same. I don't like the sound of the new bloke either. He does sound a bit controlling/demanding - you'd only met once and he started saying you had to end the friendship with your ex or else!
And the things he said about "don't get fat" etc are also red flags.

Some time concentrating on yourself and doing things you want to do and enjoying your life would be a good idea so you are stronger when you do start dating again. I think some of these men can spot a slightly vulnerable woman a mile off and think they can therefore manipulate them into being exactly what they want.

don't get fat , his preference for lady garden styles
That. Right there.
Another man dictating what women should look like just to please him.
Urgh.... makes my skin crawl.

Ah the lady garden bloke.....

Think yourself lucky he's blocked you. But between continuing contact with alcoholic still in love with you ex and continuing to date a twat who tried to control your pubic hair choices I think you have to work on your extremely weak boundaries before dating again.

So yeah maybe I've had a close shave with that one

Yup, hopefully a closer shave than your lady garden

😂🤣

@MzHz
Definitely gonna work on my self esteem but also my integrity which ties into my self esteem... I lied because I wanted boyfriend to like me , but I should have just been honest

You did the right thing, for the right reasons.

This bloke was unreasonable to expect this of you, on a first date. He should have waited to see how land lies before laying down the law

In any case, you were in contact with your ex and on good terms for the right reasons.

This guy has shown you who he is and you’ve recognised that you have insecurities that render you vulnerable to potentially controlling people

You learned a lot! Absorb the lesson, and move on.

Don’t allow too much time on texts and phone before you meet, it sets up an unrealistic scenario and you’ll end up being sucked in by any old flannel.

@MzHz Thankyou.
This whole thread has taught me so much x

This bloke was unreasonable to expect this of you, on a first date. He should have waited to see how land lies before laying down the law

Why should he though? He might just have healthy boundaries and not being lied to might be one of them.

It comes back to the advice women are given here all the time:

No one is owed a relationship - that applies to the OP if this new man found out something about her that he didn't like.

When someone shows you who they are, listen to them the first time - she lied to him about something significant before their relationship had even started.

I wouldn't see someone for a second date if I discovered they had lied to me. That is a major red flag!

I think all the people who are supportive of the OP's actions here are thinking of this from her perspective only. Look at it from his and it appears very different.