Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DP's ex wants to speak to me to warn me

70 replies

KevinKlineSwoon · 16/10/2019 16:57

DP's wife ended their marriage two years ago after having an affair with a colleague. I have been seeing him for 7 months (So not really a DP more of a boyfriend!)

Initially, she took me for coffee, said he was her best friend and wished us well. Over time she has become colder towards me which is fine. She resents the time he spends with me now that the man she left for has gone back to his wife. I understand it's awkward and she is hurt and feels it's unfair.
But now she has told DP she wants to meet me again to warn me about him. They are still negotiating their divorce settlement and she is accusing him of having an affair with me and of financial abuse and emotional abuse. The affair thing is nonsense. I know them both quite well, know their families and kids etc. My instinct tells me she hot-headed, unreasonable and lying...but what if I'm wrong?! What signs of these things would I see?

OP posts:

Snipples · 16/10/2019 17:01

When I saw the title of your thread my first thought was maybe he was violent and she wanted to warn you for genuine reasons but after reading your OP I find it odd that she told your DP she was going to warn you first.

Just trust your instincts on this one.

LonginesPrime · 16/10/2019 17:02

But now she has told DP she wants to meet me again to warn me about him

How do you know this? It seems odd that she would tell him this if she actually wanted to tell you something she thought he was concealing from you.

It sounds like a lot of drama and only you can decide if it's worth it.

Interestedwoman · 16/10/2019 17:03

I would hear her out. Then you can make up your own mind about what she says, and if he really turns out to be an abuse and starts any abusive antics, you'll recognise it more quickly.

Pilot12 · 16/10/2019 17:03

I'd refuse to meet her. She's his ex, nothing to do with you. Sounds like she just wants to stir up trouble between you so you split up.

Windydaysuponus · 16/10/2019 17:05

I truly wish my now exh's exw had wanted to meet me....
Like advised, go then make your own judgement...
Tbh getting involved when his divorce isn't sorted is risky...

NorthernSpirit · 16/10/2019 17:06

She sounds far too invested in his life as at her than rebuilding her own.

Your relationship has nothing to do with the EW. You have already met her once (absolutely no need to have met her) and she was wants to meet again.

I wouldn’t. She sounds like she can’t let go.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/10/2019 17:06

I wouldn't meet her.

But I'd be very wary about seeing someone who was still going through a divorce to be honest. It's often more hassle than it's worth, she might make his life difficult and you'd end up with all that stress.

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2019 17:08

What do you mean what if she's not lying? You either had an affair with him or not.

ffswhatnext · 16/10/2019 17:10

I wouldn't meet her. If she had these concerns she would have aired them previously. Sounds more like she is trying to stir up shit.

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/10/2019 17:11

Hear her out.

HEMammajamma · 16/10/2019 17:14

Why does she suddenly want to warn you? You've been out together before, how come she didn't warn you then. You said she is suddenly cold towards you because her own relationship has broken up or she is jealous, is that perhaps why she suddenly remembers she wants to "warn" you about something?
And why would she tell your DP she wants to speak to you AND say she wants to warn you?
Doesn't make sense.

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 16/10/2019 17:14

@Bluntness100 I mean lying about the emotional and financial abuse!
@Waxonwaxoff0 I'm taking it slowly with that in mind.

She told him during two arguments that she was going to warn me about him. He was upset by it all so we have been speaking at length about it. I doubt he would have told me that she was wanting to warn me if there was anything to actually warn me about. But now I have a very slight doubt.

OP posts:

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 16/10/2019 17:15

And I do know her well enough to meet her. She is a friend of a friend so I know them both socially.

OP posts:

HEMammajamma · 16/10/2019 17:18

I do think it's tricky to be in a relationship with someone while they're going through a messy divorce. This should not be on you. He should sort himself and his ex out first before he can see clear enough for a relationship but it's up to you.

Slappadabass · 16/10/2019 17:22

If she was that concerned for you she would have warned you initially, I'm calling bullshit. Her bit on the side has lost interest and now she wants her husband back. Tell her to do one and tell him to stop talking to her, she obviously wants to cause shit.

Azuresilver · 16/10/2019 17:37

Your boyfriend's estranged wife is entitled to name you in her divorce petition, assuming that you have had sex with him, as it is adultery. I know this sounds weird and old fashioned but as he is still actually married, then he has been committing adultery (even if she left him for someone else first).

I think I probably would meet the ex in this circumstance, but wouldn't plan on staying for long. It might be that she has cooked up a lot of nonsense, or she might have valuable information, who knows?

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 16/10/2019 17:41

@Azuresilver Not under Scottish divorce law

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 16/10/2019 17:42

My DH has been separated legally for over a year when I met him. It took a further 3 years for the divorce to be finalized. If I had my time again I would never date a separated man. DH is awesome and his wife cheated etc etc but was such a nightmare

AlexaAmbidextra · 16/10/2019 17:44

They are still negotiating their divorce settlement and she is accusing him of having an affair with me

Well technically he is as he’s still married to her. I would never get involved with a man whose divorce and financial settlement weren’t completely done and dusted. There’s too much opportunity for hassle and drama, which you are now discovering. Hope he’s worth it.

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 16/10/2019 17:48

@AlexaAmbidextra This isn't the case where I live. They are separated so it doesn't count as adultery. Also, it's a blameless divorce so even if she lied about it, it would make no difference.

OP posts:

AlexaAmbidextra · 16/10/2019 17:50

Not under Scottish divorce law

Adultery is the same under Scots Law as defined below.

Adultery is the oldest of the grounds for divorce and Scots law provides that irretrievable breakdown of the marriage will be established if, ‘since the date of the marriage the Defender (the other spouse) has committed adultery’. Adultery is defined by Scots Law as “voluntary sexual intercourse with a person of the opposite sex who is not one’s spouse”.

ExcitedForFuture · 16/10/2019 17:55

She's being vindictive and trying to sabotage his relationship because the OM didn't work out and she doesn't want to see her ex happy and settled. I wouldn't give her the time of day. Wasn't so keen to try and warn you before was she.

But this is MN where Man = Bad and Woman = Good so you'll likely get many replies saying to listen to her.

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 16/10/2019 17:56

@AlexaAmbidextra I didn't say adultery doesn't exist in law in Scotland. But after separation, a relationship doesn't count as adultery. And you don't need grounds to divorce here so it is of no benefit.

OP posts:

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 16/10/2019 17:58

@AlexaAmbidextra I have already divorced a complete twat so I know this for sure!

OP posts:

prawnsword · 16/10/2019 18:24

I’m probably jaded but there is a reason why dating people who are separated & going through messy divorces is a no no. You’ll only end up hurting yourself here. Chances of you being a rebound after being cheated on are significant...you get caught up in the drama & all the gossip & exitent it makes you mistakenly think you’re winning the love lottery, only to realise it was a booby prize.

Every time have given these seemingly sweet separated men a chance, have come to regret dating them. They are never over their marriages or use you as a bandaid for their problems. Also they miss having a wife to do the wife work, so it tends to get serious quick - or they are so emotionally damaged they can’t commit

Flip

1 2 3