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Original poster

DP's ex wants to speak to me to warn me

70 replies

KevinKlineSwoon · 16/10/2019 16:57

DP's wife ended their marriage two years ago after having an affair with a colleague. I have been seeing him for 7 months (So not really a DP more of a boyfriend!)

Initially, she took me for coffee, said he was her best friend and wished us well. Over time she has become colder towards me which is fine. She resents the time he spends with me now that the man she left for has gone back to his wife. I understand it's awkward and she is hurt and feels it's unfair.
But now she has told DP she wants to meet me again to warn me about him. They are still negotiating their divorce settlement and she is accusing him of having an affair with me and of financial abuse and emotional abuse. The affair thing is nonsense. I know them both quite well, know their families and kids etc. My instinct tells me she hot-headed, unreasonable and lying...but what if I'm wrong?! What signs of these things would I see?

OP posts:

potter5 · 17/10/2019 07:54

It sounds like she is stirring. What will your boyfriend do if you do go and meet her. No doubt he will be angry and upset. However, you could just go and listen without giving her any information about the two of you which is what she probably wants. By the way she is a fine one to talk about an affair!

crimsonlake · 17/10/2019 07:55

There is no need to meet her as you can draw your own conclusions on this one....he had an affair...tigers never change their spots and I would never have got involved with her in the first place.

Honeyroar · 17/10/2019 07:55

I wouldn’t bother- you’ve already met her and had a chat- she never mentioned it then.. I’d leave them to sort their divorce out themselves.

PepsiLola · 17/10/2019 07:57

Why are they still in contact? Do they have kids

Onceuponasilvermoon · 17/10/2019 07:59

But you have already me her and she wished you well!

I would meet her again to find out why her attitude has changed. Also I’d like to hear about the emotional and financial abuse allegations.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 17/10/2019 08:05

If she was genuinely worried and wanted you to know something about him, she wouldn't have warned him. She is throwing a strop.

PP's suggestions of thing that have gone wrong in her life sound very sensible to me

ReanimatedSGB · 17/10/2019 08:17

I wouldn't bother with meeting her, but I would make a mental note to myself not to let the current boyfriend get away with any shittiness.

Collaborate · 17/10/2019 08:18

Imagine the boot was on the other foot, and your bf had met your ex previously and now wants to meet him again to warn him about you.

Now imagine your bf agreed to hear him out.

Would your AIBU then be to ask MN whether you should ditch your bf for not trusting you and for listening to someone who was quite clearly out to cause trouble?

NameChangeNugget · 17/10/2019 08:42

I’d ignore her. Sounds bitter

Sushiroller · 17/10/2019 09:03

I came on to say yes but reading your post I wouldn't bother.

I would add that my experience of dating separated men was a headwreck mess and he is not going to be in a good place as his marriage has collapsed. It's an emotional minefield and keep in mind he did not choose to leave her ... she left him...personally I wouldn't touch a separated man with a barge pole but that's easy for me to say now. It was very hard to accept when i was romantically involved with one.

Good luck!

Anniegetyourgun · 17/10/2019 09:05

Do you know for certain she wants to meet you? Or that her intention is to warn you about something? Whereas the bitter ex who is now regretting that the grass isn't greener is the more likely scenario, it's also just possible that it's the bf/xh playing both women against each other. That doesn't mean you're obliged to listen, though I'd probably want to out of curiosity. You are aware that she has become colder towards you, but you don't know what she might have been told about you, just as you are being told about her...? That said, you say you have mutual friends so you are probably more aware of the true background than the average woman in your position. But no-one ever knows the whole truth if they weren't there.

bathsh3ba · 17/10/2019 09:07

You're doubting your partner, this makes me think there may be something in it, women's instincts and all that. However it does sound to me like, all in all, you're probably best out of this one.

Sushiroller · 17/10/2019 09:08

@prawnsword has expressed what I was ineptly trying to say perfectly.

They are never over their marriages or use you as a bandaid for their problems. Also they miss having a wife to do the wife work, so it tends to get serious quick - or they are so emotionally damaged they can’t commit

IncrediblySadToo · 17/10/2019 09:20

I’d meet her, listen, not say too much. Curiosity would kill me otherwise

But I doubt she’s going to drop a bomb because if it was something bad surely she’s got your number as you’ve already met up or she’d get in touch via your mutual friend?! Not via him?

j3mz · 17/10/2019 11:51

@SunshineCake not a decent human being? Are you serious ? You have no idea what he put me through I had to flee my home city and haven't been back nearly 9years later because of this "man" . I don't know any of his new girlfriends and if I did I would stay out of it for my own safety! Thank you very much . I don't need that back in my life I still live day to day a broken reflection of myself I'm no where near healed !

RandomMess · 17/10/2019 12:03

I think it may be a good tactical move to meet her in as much it may help the divorce happen if she feels she has "got back" at your DP..

Depends if what you could potentially hear would really be damaging to you or your views on your relationship with DP.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 17/10/2019 12:13

If you do decide to meet her, I'd hear her out fully and then ask her why then did she tell you previously that he was her best friend. Ask her if she was lying then or now and see what she says.

Interestedwoman · 17/10/2019 12:22

@j3mz, I'm not saying you're not a decent human being (!) or anything, but:-

'1 it's not my place 2 it's not my business what he does '

I can see why an ex might feel she should try and prevent a woman from suffering the abuse she knows her ex is capable of inflicting. Some people would see protecting someone from abuse as something they have a moral duty to try and do.

This is just a hypothetical point, rather than saying anything about the ex in question, who might be making stuff up, but I would listen to what she says and bear it in mind.

Veterinari · 17/10/2019 12:23

@kevinklineswoon
The only possible reason for her telling him she wants to meet you is because she is trying to blackmail him into a better financial settlement..
Eg ‘i’ll Tell Kevin exactly how abusive you were if you don’t give me X’

She has no interest in protecting you or giving you useful info - only in punishing and extorting him

j3mz · 17/10/2019 12:49

@Interestedwoman if this women felt strong enough to do so than fair play to her . I did say in my experience I wouldn't be warning anyone as it is not my place to (because I can not have contact with this person) and it's not my business (to be re involving myself in to that situation) all I could do is pray she sees him for what he is sooner rather than later. I can see how that sounded like I just wouldnt care but it's more of a for my own safety view.

Which is why (from my experience) I don't think this women has any good intention due to the points the op has mentioned.

You would definitely not be informing the ex you were going to warn the new partner, it sounds like something shes said in anger to try and mess his relationship up. (Shrugs)

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