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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's ex wants to speak to me to warn me

70 replies

KevinKlineSwoon · 16/10/2019 16:57

DP's wife ended their marriage two years ago after having an affair with a colleague. I have been seeing him for 7 months (So not really a DP more of a boyfriend!)

Initially, she took me for coffee, said he was her best friend and wished us well. Over time she has become colder towards me which is fine. She resents the time he spends with me now that the man she left for has gone back to his wife. I understand it's awkward and she is hurt and feels it's unfair.
But now she has told DP she wants to meet me again to warn me about him. They are still negotiating their divorce settlement and she is accusing him of having an affair with me and of financial abuse and emotional abuse. The affair thing is nonsense. I know them both quite well, know their families and kids etc. My instinct tells me she hot-headed, unreasonable and lying...but what if I'm wrong?! What signs of these things would I see?

OP posts:
holidays987 · 16/10/2019 18:31

Hear what she has to say. She might have more to say than your boyfriend has mentioned to you. Have the conversation and make your own mind up as to whether to ignore her allegations or not.

I'd also consider whether it's worth committing to a relationship with someone so newly separated, not yet divorced and still in the throws of drama. Wouldn't be my cup of tea.

Sagradafamiliar · 16/10/2019 18:47

So she's using you to point score in arguments with your boyfriend. Telling him she'll be speaking to you and whatever else.
You get to have a say in all this. I'd refuse to be a pawn in her game and request that whatever she wishes to say be done in writing so you can properly digest the 'warning' and keep it for future reference. Then disengage.

ElspethFlashman · 16/10/2019 18:57

After 7 months you really don't need this.

He'd want to have a gold plated willy tbh.

UnbowedUnbentUnbroken · 16/10/2019 18:58

Dont talk to her. My partners ex/Sil(complicated) is like this. All she did was try to drive wedges because shes so bitter about her own shit relationship and she thinks I scuppered her chances at escaping her life. This sounds like itll go the same. Weve just got a restraining order against her for twelve months.

RLEOM · 16/10/2019 19:15

I'd hear her out.

MangoSalsa · 16/10/2019 19:17

What @InterestedWoman said

Jane1978xx · 16/10/2019 19:21

I think the only time you should have to speak to a partners ex is if there are children and The ex wants to meet you before her children spend time with you. Otherwise no don’t entertain it

CornishCreation · 16/10/2019 19:29

By meeting her you're just keeping her in your lives, she's an ex she's the past, if you're going to be with this man his past relationships are irrelevant as people are different with different people, happy/not happy, made mistakes and learnt from them etc.
He's moved on and it's time she did. Yes divorce can be messy but it's ultimately him legally moving on without her, so how she feels about him now or your relationship is of no concern, she's bound to be bitter things didn't work out for her and it is for him.

AngelzEye · 17/10/2019 04:22

-She told your EX she was going to warn you about him during an argument with HIM!?
-You were friends and she had nothing to say but this is very suspiciously timed after she was dumped by her affair partner??
-And of course, she's a remorseless cheater who just got dumped and is busy divorcing this guy anyway so I wouldn't believe a word of it.

Oh woe is her. Incoming bunny boiler alert. Ignore at all costs.

AngelzEye · 17/10/2019 04:31

And by the way, what this translates in bunny boiler speak is probably...
'I need to warn you girlfriend' - 'You're not giving me what I want so I'm going to threaten your relationships and cause you undue stress and anxiety'
'He is emotionally abusive' - 'The relationship was not 100% fantasy perfect. I shall give some cherry picked examples. This also excuses my affair.'
'He is financially abusive' - 'Since I've been dumped by my affair partner I can't afford anything and he won't pay for it either.'

LittlePaintBox · 17/10/2019 04:56

You might not see any signs of emotional or financial abuse this early in a relationship. It all sounds very weird to me - sending a message via her ex that she wants to warn his current GF - but I think I'd be inclined to go, in case she has something useful to say.

Or you might decide you can do without the hassle and just cool things off until his divorce is sorted? Which may be what she wants, but do you want to be fighting his ex for him?

slipperywhensparticus · 17/10/2019 05:44

When you say financial abuse sounds like he is screwing her on the financial part of the divorce....I hope your financially protected

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/10/2019 05:45

I don’t really see what you have to gain from speaking to her. If she has something to warn you about she’s already effectively lied to you by having the friendly meetings at the beginning. Now she’s threatening her ex with accusations he’s committed adultery with you that even if she thought they were technically true because they were still legally married were still morally unsupportable since she left first.

I’m not discounting the possibility that she has something to tell you about him. He might have a nasty streak in him you haven’t seen yet. I’m discounting the idea you could trust anything she says. There’s just no way to think the odds are in favor of her suddenly realizing that actually you’re in a shitty situation and she needs to woman up and let you know. She hasn’t treated you with respect or concern before now, you’ve always been a bit player in her relationship drama. It would be foolish to think this reach out was anything other than a power play against your boyfriend. How would you evaluate the truth of what she has to say, all this can do is sow doubt in your relationship.

custardbear · 17/10/2019 05:46

Sounds to me like she's not getting her way with the divorce settlement so she's threatening him that she can sabotage his relationship if he doesn't comply

Personally I'd stay out of it as she's not a reliable source of anything as she has her own agenda

Mary1935 · 17/10/2019 06:33

Really - is this how you are going to carry on your relationship - you really need to drop this woman and block here. She is no friend.
Your DP should just be having contact about children and divorce - preferable through a solicitor remove yourself from the drama!!!

AuntieStella · 17/10/2019 06:39

Why doesn't he seem to know what she wants to warn you about?

It's come up twice between them - surely he must have some inkling?

lottelupin · 17/10/2019 07:25

She is obviously all together cross.

For sure she told him that, I’m the heat of an argument, because she’s angry with him and aggravated at the thought of him ‘getting away with’ you thinking he’s perfect when she’s certain he isn’t. She’s no doubt jealous in several ways, as well.

But why did he tell you? Hmm ... for your support? Because he’s scared she’ll contact you and lie to you about him?

This is where your trust in him is out to the test a bit. Because I think what boggles is the worry she actually has something valid to tell you. Which is why she said that to him, to scare him that she’d meddle (and most likely lie), and to make you doubt him if he told you.

Having said that, she said it to him, not you.

I’d wait to see if she contacts you.

litterbird · 17/10/2019 07:29

What a mess and its a warning to other women to stay away from separated men. I have learnt my lesson with this due to the drama that surrounds it all. I would go and listen to her. I was warned by an ex once and just put it down to her jealousy she text me about everything, my then boyfriend went bananas saying it was all lies. Sadly it wasn't. I escaped 6 months later after I discovered what she warned me about was true. Listen to her, file it away in your mind and watch out carefully. A separated man, whatever the circumstances of their pending divorce should be left alone until at least a year after the divorce is final. You are setting yourself up for years of drama and self doubt. Sorry OP.

MzHz · 17/10/2019 07:35

Your instincts say she’s bullshitting, and by telling him she’s trying to intimidate you/both.

I’d say that she can ftfo. If she had a legitimate issue to talk to you about she’d have said something before.

You’ve been with a twat before, so know not to allow anyone have too much control over your life etc.

Remember too that you’ve only known this bloke 7m and you don’t know him at all. If it’s too much trouble/drama/hassle, you CAN just walk away. And should.

MzHz · 17/10/2019 07:38

She could also be trying to get information FROM you to use against him in the divorce...

I’d stay well out of it tbh.

j3mz · 17/10/2019 07:41

Well from my experience I would NOT be warning anyone new girlfriend of my abusive ex . Just pray she sees what hes like before it too late for her . 1 it's not my place 2 it's not my business what he does 3 I wouldn't be giving him any reason to abuse me further . So in my basis and the fact she already called him her best friends and many other reasons id say shes being a bitch ! Do not meet her

SunshineCake · 17/10/2019 07:41

Is he really worth all this ridiculous drama and angst? Think about the fact your boyfriend's ex is trying to run your relationship.

AmIThough · 17/10/2019 07:45

Unless they have children, why are they still in touch?

Why would she tell you 18 months later he's her best friend?

SunshineCake · 17/10/2019 07:48

How said that you aren't a decent human being and thought fit to try and stop another person being hurt, j3mz.

ThighThighOfthigh · 17/10/2019 07:49

Do they have children?

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