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Original poster

Setting up a runaway bank account

62 replies

2KidsNotCountingHusband · 21/09/2019 21:39

Hi mums,

I've recently been recommended by another mum to open my own "runaway" or "CASHFLO" account.

To provide a bit of background, my husband (H) and I have a joint current account and he has the savings account in his name. He asks me about every single 3.99 transaction that shows up on the online statement and wants to see receipts after every trip to ASDA. Not to mention, if I spend 2.50 on mayo instead of the acceptable £2, I am "stupid and irresponsible" and now I'm just sick of it.
When I go grocery shopping, I'm constantly anxious. But he's not this way just about money. He is controlling in other ways and I'm getting worried and when we fight and I leave the house with the kids to let him cool down, it kills me that I have no money of my own to even stay a night in a b&b or whatever.

I'm not from the UK and all my family is abroad. Almost everyone I know are through H. I don't plan on leaving him, we have kids FFS but I'd love to know that I'm not leaving him because I want to be with him, not because I have no other choice.

I want to open my own bank account and start putting money away little by little. Amounts he wouldn't notice, even he gets sloppy sometimes. If I miss a mum group and tell him I took kids to the park instead, that's a few quid. If my mum wanted to send me a bit through PayPal, that's a bit more. And then I can save a bit for myself and treat myself to something on occasion, without having to thank him 50 times for it and be reminded that "don't forget I got you this skirt" etc

Can anyone recommend which bank to use. I'm most concerned about them not sending stuff through my mail box and this account not showing up anywhere if we take out a mortgage or do a tax return etc.

Thanks mums

OP posts:
applepineapple · 21/09/2019 21:41

Monzo is very good. It's all on your phone so no paperwork through the post apart from the card

MusicToMyEars800 · 21/09/2019 21:44

Same as pp, I use monzo it is fantastic, easy to set up and transfer money etc definitely recommend it!

ANiceLuxury · 21/09/2019 21:45

Any UK bank account will show up on your credit file.

They all have the option to be paperless

Shouldbedoing · 21/09/2019 21:48

You do realise he's financially abusing you? And as you're married, you're entitled to half of everything, pretty much, should you divorce.

Original poster
2KidsNotCountingHusband · 21/09/2019 21:49

Thanks for that apple and music,
Does monzo charge a monthly fee or anything? Would hate for it to eat into my "savings", especially if I don't manage to make any Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
2KidsNotCountingHusband · 21/09/2019 21:52

Aniceluxury, will my husband be able to check somehow to see if i have another account? Sorry if I sound paranoid

Shouldbedoing, I'm not thinking of a divorce or anything like that, just want a bit of financial freedom. It's just the way he is. He's living in the 1800s or something. He's otherwise a good husband and great dad and I wouldn't divorce him and do that to our children just for that

OP posts:
Butternutsqoosh · 21/09/2019 21:52

I've got Monzo too....for any unforseeable private expenses, only I know about it. Set it all up online dead easy.

houselikeashed · 21/09/2019 21:53

yes to Monzo too. Easy to use in different currencies too. Good luck.

Butternutsqoosh · 21/09/2019 21:53

Sorry, and no, no monthly fee

MusicToMyEars800 · 21/09/2019 21:58

Yeah no monthly fee and it’s all online, you don’t even get bank statements emailed to you, you can Choose to download them instead. The only
Way he will find out is if he goes through your phone, because it’s all done through the monzo banking app, unless you get a secret phone somehow if that’s would be a problem??

Shouldbedoing · 21/09/2019 21:59

So start tucking little bits away until you decide you deserve better. Womens Aid would help you decide how to make the break when the time is right and family are far away.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 21/09/2019 22:01

I dont think you're seeing the wood for the trees.

Setting up a private bank account when youre married is massively wrong. Its only justifiable when genuinely you need that money to leave. Otherwise its just deceitful.

You dont want to leave, but you're quite happy to deceive your husband. This makes no sense and shows no respect for your marriage. Either his behaviour which you present as abusive, is the way you present it, in which case you need to leave. Or it isnt and youre the one committing financial abuse.

applepineapple · 21/09/2019 22:08

@VolcanionSteamArtillery she's allowed to have her own savings! For goodness sake

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 21/09/2019 22:14

You shouldn't be depriving your life partner of family funds, that is financial abuse. Having savings in your own name is very different from secretly hiding funds. If a poster posted they found they husband had a secret bank account with savings in poster would quite rightly say to LTB. Its a massive abuse of trust.

If you're to that stage the marriage is dead in the water whoever is committing the abuse.

applepineapple · 21/09/2019 22:18

@VolcanionSteamArtillery have you read the post at all? She's asking for bank account suggestions not opinions on her relationship. Unless you've been in her situation you won't understand

AnotherEmma · 21/09/2019 22:18

This reply has been deleted

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AnotherEmma · 21/09/2019 22:21

OP, I hope you are being careful with your privacy online / on your phone etc? See www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

Please do contact Women's Aid when you can, they can advise and support you.

Opening your own bank account is a very sensible step.

What is your immigration status in the UK? Are you a European citizen (in which case do you have settled status) or are you from a non-European country (in which case you might have a spousal visa??)

AnotherEmma · 21/09/2019 22:24

"He's otherwise a good husband and great dad"

Good husbands and great dads don't abuse and control their wives and mothers of their children.

He is an abusive controlling piece of shit.

Is this what you want your children to learn? That a marriage like this is normal? That's it's ok for a man to treat his wife and children like this?

Benefitofthedoubt · 21/09/2019 22:26

Do you have to hand in all your receipts OP?

My cousin had to do that. She used to shop with a friend and have her friend’s lunch or shopping on her receipt and her friend would give her cash. Her H didn’t check the cupboards for bought cleaning materials etc. just checked the amount.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 21/09/2019 22:26

I'm not thinking of a divorce or anything like that

Ive read the OP. Have you? She not even considering leaving him.

Actually my divorce petition was on the grounds of financial abuse. Ive been there and got the t-shirt. One of the financially abusive actions he did was divert money to spend on shit and hide bank accounts (and credit cards). So yes ive been in her situation. I actually left with nothing in my pocket and no access to any money at all.

The one thing i didnt do was commit financial abuse back. If she was leaving id be writting a very different post, means justify ends. But the OP actually says she has no intention of leaving

Teensandfuture · 21/09/2019 22:27

Do you work OP?

glenthebattleostrich · 21/09/2019 22:36

The OPs husband has savings she can't access, why shouldn't she have the same safety net?

OP, I use a revolut card, it has my little vault on there for any bits I decide I want or need.

Original poster
2KidsNotCountingHusband · 21/09/2019 22:37

Hi all
Wow this got a little emotional, I'm sorry to have caused such a fuss, was not my intention.

In all honesty, divorce would not be in the cards anytime soon even if I wanted it (and I can't even let myself think about it). I am not a European citizen, I have a spousal Visa and our children are British citizens. Should I divorce him, I will end up back in my country without anything and without my kids. I wish I listened when someone warned me of their similar situation years ago.

So yes, I'm a hypocrite. I am going to be happy in my relationship and if I'm not, I will act like I am. I already feel guilty just asking about this but I feel guilty every day, even if I'm just buying the necessities.
Either way, I love my husband. Yes, my financially controlling husband.
But at the very least, I would like to have a bit of financial freedom (even if it's just an illusion of that)

OP posts:
Original poster
2KidsNotCountingHusband · 21/09/2019 22:39

No I don't work, I'm a stay at home mum.
That's another reason I'm at my husband's financial mercy.

OP posts:
runoutofnamechanges · 21/09/2019 22:42

Either his behaviour which you present as abusive, is the way you present it, in which case you need to leave. Or it isnt and youre the one committing financial abuse.

Seriously? It's clearly financially abusive. No "how you present it" about it. If the OP doesn't have free access to money or money of her own to be able to buy clothes or leave, putting away a few pounds here or there when her "D"H has control of the savings that she has no knowledge of or access to is not financial abuse on her part.

OP if you feel the need to have money to go to a BnB after arguments, it sounds like there is more going on. Maybe start another thread?

I was in a similar position and have a helped a friend also in the same situation. We used TSB as you can set everything up to be purely online when you open the account in branch. Although that probably is true of any bank nowadays. You can also have the card sent to the branch instead of your home address. If you can find a friend to refer you, there is a £75 bonus to start you off. I'm sure other banks have similar incentives.

Much smaller, if you join Monzo through TeamProfit, you can get a £5 bonus.