Setting up a runaway bank account

[2KidsNotCountingHusband]

Hi mums,

I've recently been recommended by another mum to open my own "runaway" or "CASHFLO" account.

To provide a bit of background, my husband (H) and I have a joint current account and he has the savings account in his name. He asks me about every single 3.99 transaction that shows up on the online statement and wants to see receipts after every trip to ASDA. Not to mention, if I spend 2.50 on mayo instead of the acceptable £2, I am "stupid and irresponsible" and now I'm just sick of it.
When I go grocery shopping, I'm constantly anxious. But he's not this way just about money. He is controlling in other ways and I'm getting worried and when we fight and I leave the house with the kids to let him cool down, it kills me that I have no money of my own to even stay a night in a b&b or whatever.

I'm not from the UK and all my family is abroad. Almost everyone I know are through H. I don't plan on leaving him, we have kids FFS but I'd love to know that I'm not leaving him because I want to be with him, not because I have no other choice.

I want to open my own bank account and start putting money away little by little. Amounts he wouldn't notice, even he gets sloppy sometimes. If I miss a mum group and tell him I took kids to the park instead, that's a few quid. If my mum wanted to send me a bit through PayPal, that's a bit more. And then I can save a bit for myself and treat myself to something on occasion, without having to thank him 50 times for it and be reminded that "don't forget I got you this skirt" etc

Can anyone recommend which bank to use. I'm most concerned about them not sending stuff through my mail box and this account not showing up anywhere if we take out a mortgage or do a tax return etc.

Thanks mums

Its morally wrong....

Please can you get yourself to womans aid and a lawyer. This is not feasible long term and potentially very unsafe for you. If he finds out about the account that could put you in danger.

Gathering money short term for an escape strategy is one thing. But keeping up an act of deception, whilst being morally wrong is absolutely not safe either.

I am sorry if my post caused upset, quite aside frpm the moral aspect, noone should be advising you do this long term with a man who is abusive. For your sake. Some men aren't physically abusive until they realise theyve lost control and then it can go wrong very quickly.

Putting yourself in the position where you could be divorced for financial abuse is not so sensible either

This isnt freedom.

I am not a European citizen, I have a spousal Visa and our children are British citizens. Should I divorce him, I will end up back in my country without anything and without my kids.

Who told you that? Your husband? That is not true. If your children are British citizens and under 18, you can apply for a parent of a child visa instead of spousal visa.

www.gov.uk/visas-when-you-separate-or-divorce

The information is here

I don't understand how I! would be the financially abusive one if I just want to gather up a couple hundred in my own account. I read that many people keep a private account and that's just life.

Please please please talk to Women's Aid and/or Citizens Advice. You won't have to go back to your home country. You have British children and you are their primary caregiver. You will just need immigration advice/help which you can get.

OP ignore ten posts that do not answer your question. They are stepping over the mark to judge you.

Domestic Violence ans Immigration Law (Rights of Women, PDF)

I'm not in the UK but would a Post office account work for you? I don't know how it is there but I have a Post office book. There's no post and no online presence. The only thing is you'd have to keep the book hidden

Thanks, I have read that Gov.uk page and it clearly says, if I divorce, I have to tell the home office straight away and then to either apply for a new visa (parent visa) or leave the country.

Do you know how much a settlement Visa costs right now? I don't have even tens of pounds to my name, forget thousands! Not to mention all the work, documentation and extra expenses that go into that and risk of rejection. I've been through it with the spouse Visa and I will honestly say, I'd much rather go through twice worse than what is going on at home now than do a new Visa, all while broke, without the support of my husband and he will probably have me lose parental rights anyway. But thanks.

Any other financial suggestions are very welcome, you mums have given good advice and I will weigh it all and let you know what I decide. Thank you

Diversion of funds, preventing partner having access to what should joint family money. Its a kind of financial abuse.

Telling your partner im going to keep some rainy day fund do you mind. Yep fine.

You can't lose parental rights. Thats not possible.

Can you get a job OP?

If it's just a few hundred you are better off saving as cash, and finding a very, very good hiding place. Will be more useful if you ever needed a quick getaway with no possibility of tracing your whereabouts if he were looking for you.
Any bank account will appear on your credit record and police can trace your movements via it.
If you want to collect some spare cash... shop in the usual place using cash. Then take items back for a refund. Then buy those items somewhere cheaper like aldi or lidl. Slowly collect the profit.

Come the fuck on.
I reported my own post because I know I broke guidelines.
But I can't believe you are STILL accusing the OP of financial abuse because she wants to keep the account a secret FOR HER OWN SAFETY.
WTF?

Cross post. I was replying to Volcanion

Glumpty genius idea.

Nothing is untraceable if he has access to your credit file.

Nothing is untraceable if youre spending it either. At somepoint something will clue someone in.If your saving to leave youre not staying around long enough for the abusive partner to twig whats happened (unless it all goes wrong).

I think the account is a great idea. But alongside that can you also look into making your position more secure whilst with him?

Are you eligible to apply for Citizenship or Leave to Remain or whatever would apply to you? Are you able to take some courses or start working part time just to get your CV polished up? Basically try to future proof your life a bit.

You can apply to have the fee waived for a visa as a parent if you divorce or separate.

www.gov.uk/uk-family-visa/parent

Womens Aid can help you get proper legal advice. Their website will help you hide your search history. You will not be deported and forced to leave your children if you leave your husband.

@AnotherEmma im not accusing the OP of financial abuse. Im stating what falls as an aspect of financial abuse. Its on the womans aid page if you are in any doubt

And if you believe a woman is being abused but she states she isnt going to leave ever, really unless your planning to force the issue by contact SS, advice really needs to consider womans safety first. Running a secret bank account with an financially abusive man isnt very safe.

I agree with removing the barriers to leaving though (visas lawyers etc)

Yes you are.

"youre the one committing financial abuse."

"You shouldn't be depriving your life partner of family funds, that is financial abuse."

I totally see your point about safety though. A secret bank account will put her at risk if he finds out.

Realistically how much money can you stash away in your new bank account? It won't be much and it won't take you far. Your problem is not going to get sorted by having emergency fund. Your problem will be solved by becoming financially independent. Make a long term plan to retrain if needed, get a job and have your own money.
Trust me OP I've had a very similar life story and talking from the other side, 10 years on.

You need to read that in context of the either or. Either he is that abusive and you really need to leave (womans aid lawyer etc) or he isnt and you shouldn't commit financial abuse. Which you would be if you start concealing bank accounts. If if if. All of it is hypothetical until the OP actually does something.

Frankly if theres any chance shes going to divorce on financial abuse grounds in the future muddying the waters by advicing her to commit financial abuse isnt going to help in the long run.

You were right she needs woman's aid and more importantly a lawyer as much as womans aid though. Probably. Unless we know the OP in person, its all just words on a page. Assuming those words are true its a hell of a lot more complex than yes open a hidden bank accpunt and that will solve all your problems

If you don’t want to declare it on any application put the money in a child’s savers account where you have access