Setting up a runaway bank account

[2KidsNotCountingHusband]

Hi mums,

I've recently been recommended by another mum to open my own "runaway" or "CASHFLO" account.

To provide a bit of background, my husband (H) and I have a joint current account and he has the savings account in his name. He asks me about every single 3.99 transaction that shows up on the online statement and wants to see receipts after every trip to ASDA. Not to mention, if I spend 2.50 on mayo instead of the acceptable £2, I am "stupid and irresponsible" and now I'm just sick of it.
When I go grocery shopping, I'm constantly anxious. But he's not this way just about money. He is controlling in other ways and I'm getting worried and when we fight and I leave the house with the kids to let him cool down, it kills me that I have no money of my own to even stay a night in a b&b or whatever.

I'm not from the UK and all my family is abroad. Almost everyone I know are through H. I don't plan on leaving him, we have kids FFS but I'd love to know that I'm not leaving him because I want to be with him, not because I have no other choice.

I want to open my own bank account and start putting money away little by little. Amounts he wouldn't notice, even he gets sloppy sometimes. If I miss a mum group and tell him I took kids to the park instead, that's a few quid. If my mum wanted to send me a bit through PayPal, that's a bit more. And then I can save a bit for myself and treat myself to something on occasion, without having to thank him 50 times for it and be reminded that "don't forget I got you this skirt" etc

Can anyone recommend which bank to use. I'm most concerned about them not sending stuff through my mail box and this account not showing up anywhere if we take out a mortgage or do a tax return etc.

Thanks mums

I don’t know about bank accounts that can’t be discovered, but for online shopping to build funds use Quidco and topcashback. It gives a % of your spends back as cashback, and doesn’t make a blind bit of difference to the price etc so your husband won’t know. I’d also suggest eBaying outgrown things of the kids or little bits and bobs you no longer want to raise some extra side money that can slip under the radar.

"its a hell of a lot more complex than yes open a hidden bank accpunt and that will solve all your problems"

Literally no one has said that. No one has said it will solve "all" OP's problems.

Yes, it's complex. I think you're projecting because you've had similar experiences and you think that everyone in a similar situation has to deal with it in the exact same way that you did. No they don't.

Also, saying the OP needs a lawyer "more than" she needs woman's aid is ridiculous, women's aid will be the first step for GETTING a lawyer, for two reasons. 1. They can signpost to a lawyer and 2. OP will need legal aid and to qualify for that she will need evidence of domestic abuse - women's aid can advise on that (and contacting them in the first place will count as a piece of evidence).

We know little of the OP's situation, just the bit she has said here.

She will ask I am sure if she wants help getting out. She asked about saving money not to be judged and told she is a financial abuser. MNHQ step in on threads where they think the OP needs additional help. It is not out place to assume and chastise.

Also I know from experience that people do not put their full situations on here. They change details to obscure their identity. We cannot offer advice on parts of the story we have not been asked to comment on for this reason alone.

If the OP needs any help with anything else I'm sure she will ask.

There is also Revolut and N26 which are online banks. It only sends the card to your home and easy to do international transfers. You can use it for online transactions too if you want to book flights, buy anything. The initial card is £12 or thereabouts. So you can keep track of everything on your phone or tablet and the app is password protected. I think its so hard when you come from somewhere else and so much of your life is linked to your Husband over here but please do not allow yourself to be in a bad suitation. If possible see if you can get british citizenship as it may be possible if you have been here for over 5 years. If your husband gives you a hard time for trying to do this, this is an example of him controlling you as he knows you have to rely on him.

I’m when I created my running away account I didn’t trust a bank account as they are too easy to trace. I was lucky enough to have a safe at work that I kept putting away cash into.

Must clarify that my ex wasn’t abusive in any way shape or form but I was paranoid 😁

As pp have said save it as cash especially as you mention its only a couple of hundred as any bank based account will be on your credit record which either of you can access

2kids

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Remember that always.

I can certainly see why you are doing this but saving money piecemeal like this takes time and that is something you really do not have an awful lot of. Another concern I have is that this bank account of yours will be discovered by him and such men do monitor their target very carefully. The word target here is deliberate; you were targeted by him and deliberately so also because your family are abroad. He has managed to isolate you socially as well, this was and remains all part of his plan to destroy you. In the meantime you will remain financially abused by your husband. I am certain too that sadly he abuses you in other ways too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Staying for the children is rarely if ever a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. It is not easier somehow to stay with him in such circumstances. They are seeing you being abused by their dad; would you want them to think that yes this is how men treat women. Did your own father treat your mother like this?.

You seem in any case to have hardly any if at all free access to money (the savings account is in his name for instance) and you're being asked about anything over £3.99 and visits to ASDA.

Re your comment:-
"I am not a European citizen, I have a spousal Visa and our children are British citizens. Should I divorce him, I will end up back in my country without anything and without my kids"

This is also a fear of yours that is preventing you from leaving your abusive H. However, do not believe mere supposition or especially what a friend told you years ago. You need up to date and face to face legal advice on this point, not just words on a screen. The Rights of Women organisation could help point you in the right direction on this important matter. Womens Aid could also help in assisting you as well. There is proper help out there for you and I doubt very much that you would at all be sent back without your children.

Does he keep the receipts once he has checked them or file them? If not, and he gives you them back to throw away, you could skim some money that way.

So buy say some washing tablets when you don’t actually need them yet and an extra bottle of flash or a double pack of sanitary towels or something, pay cash say it’s £7, get the receipt back from him afterwards to bin but secretly keep it and then return the stuff to the shop and get the money back?

I know it’s a bit extreme and doesn’t make you much but if you are desperate it may help. If you did that once a fortnight it would give you £21 in six weeks that he wouldn’t know about. £150 a year approx.

Or just try and get some help from women’s aid as to how to tackle this situation as they will have seen this type of issue many times. Good luck.

Years ago I worked at a law firm and we had a client who sought a divorce from her husband.

He was financially abusive and controlling about everything (she wasn’t even allowed to hang pictures in her house).

She had a small part-time job at a supermarket and all her wages went into the joint account and she did not see it.

However, she was quite resourceful. For years (ever since her child was a baby) she took in odd sewing and ironing jobs.

Her husband didn’t think she was making much money doing this. He knew she sewed but not that she was getting paid as much as she was.

Years later, when she had her fund together - she used the money to find a rental (and to furnish it). She also put some money away to hire a lawyer in the divorce.

It took her almost a decade. But she did it.

I suggest you have a similar fund. You never know when you might need/want to leave.

how do you pay money into Monzo ?
isn’t it only by transferring from another bank through the App online ???

You see I find that story really really sad. She didn't need to stay with him for 10 whole years while she saved all that money. She actually could have left a lot sooner. I mean it's great that she did leave him in the end and she managed to do it on her own terms. But I really hope the story doesn't make other women think that they have to save all that money before they can leave. It is possible to leave with no/little money - probably very scary and stressful, but possible.