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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Living with ex over school holidays - feelings involved

82 replies

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 01:02

Hi guys,

Me and my partner of 10 years spilt up at the end of July. She ended as doesn't love me or have feelings for me anyone. We agreed that I'd stay over the school holidays.
I still have feelings for her and have hugged her around 3 times and each time she feels lifeless and like her soul has left her body. I've told her countless times that I love her and we should make this work. She has her mindset!
Should I completely back off for the remaining time we're living together? She's not going to change her mind right?
All her benefits have been put in place and I feel redundant....

OP posts:

OliveToboogie · 12/08/2019 01:05

Sorry as painful as it is sounds like she has emotionally checked out. You can't force someone to love you.

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 01:08

It feels so strange not to be close and intimate. We last had sex on 27th July. I guess if we're not together I can't try anything on with her.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2019 06:15

She’s an Ex, you need to accept it.

eve34 · 12/08/2019 07:25

She has checked out long ago. I was in the same situation I thought if he could just see how much I loved him he would change his mind.

I know how hard it is but you need to organise yourself. And try to separate yourself emotionally. Not easy whilst you are under the same roof.

Start making your plans for separating. Not easy I know and try to look forward for yourself.

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 07:53

Thanks for the replies. We have set a date at end of the month for the move. It's difficult having being with someone for so long and have 3 young children together.

OP posts:

fiorentina · 12/08/2019 07:57

Sad as it sounds, you need to work on being good friends and co-parents, not keep trying to be tactile with her. She’s made it clear how she feels, however heart breaking that is.

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 09:04

So people think there is no going back and it's finished?

OP posts:

Vasya · 12/08/2019 09:06

It sounds like it OP - I'm sorry, it must be so hard. Living under the same roof can't make it any easier. Hopefully once you no longer live together you will find it easier to heal.

VikVal · 12/08/2019 09:09

She has checked out sorry but she has no feelings for you. Let go and move on from this.

LannieDuck · 12/08/2019 12:59

Has she told you why?

It makes a difference whether it was behaviour of yours that led to her falling out of love (might be salvageable if you're willing to change), or behaviour of hers, e.g. finding someone else (almost certainly not salvageable, and you need to find a way to move on for your own mental health).

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 13:21

Her reasons were we didn't go out as a family enough. We work opposite to each other and she's part time and I'm full time. I've been feeling exhausted lately due to finishing work at midnight most nights.
She did get very close with a work colleague but she refuses to admit that's the real reason why we've split.

OP posts:

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 13:48

I was willing to forgive and forget.

OP posts:

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 15:57

She's took oldest away until tomorrow night. I joked to her today saying I'm going to stay. She said no, we agreed for you to leave on xxxx.
It has been since 25th July when we split.
I'm thinking of getting her some welcome home flowers. Am I insane or just caring?

OP posts:

vixfromthestix · 12/08/2019 16:08

Don't get her flowers, focus on when you are moving out and get everything in order for that to happen. Be civil towards each other and work on being good co-parents.

It's so hard living with an ex, I had to do it for months as the sale of our property took forever to go through and he refused to leave, and my ex never thought it was really over and it killed me having to repeat over and again there was no going back.

GreenTulips · 12/08/2019 16:12

She told you what she wants and you still aren’t listening? Why is that?

Why the flowers? Why didn’t you make more effort when you had the chance? Did you become one of those sofa dads?

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 16:16

Well people can change their mind and realise it's a huge mistake. 3 young children together.

OP posts:

mummymayhem18 · 12/08/2019 16:18

Yes as hard as it for you to admit to yourself it sounds like things have come to an end. I know it's always hard being the one who didn't make the decision but you can't force things that are no longer there. It will be better for you both in the long run.Dont trying to force feelings and being tactile etc as it will just push her more away and becomes cringey.

vixfromthestix · 12/08/2019 16:19

In the unlikely event she changes her mind, she can come to you. Being pushy isn't going to make her do that.

msmith501 · 12/08/2019 16:20

In my experience you'll only end up adding to your pain trying to bridge a gap that has become a chasm between two cliffs on opposite sides of the world. It's hard but in reality it's like a light switch that has finally been switched off. You now need to focus on keeping yourself as healed as possible and move forward. Don't internalise blame either... it's not healthy in the short term.

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 16:29

Thank you for the great advice. I guess I have to dust myself off and move on. As you guys are suggesting, there is no going back sadly.

OP posts:

Raspberrytruffle · 12/08/2019 17:21

Dear God OP have some bloody dignity! Your ex has clearly told you she doesn't want you. I'm cringing reading this. Have some self respect and move on.

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 17:29

She my only relationship and it was around 10 years. It's hard letting go and deniel sets in. How do I be around her for the reminder of the time I'm here?

OP posts:

readitandwept · 12/08/2019 17:37

Why are you staying over the holidays? Hats just prolonging the inevitable.

Make arrangements and leave.

Original poster

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 17:50

Logistics really and less stress on the children as they're not at school. My new place will be 25 miles away.

OP posts:

readitandwept · 12/08/2019 17:55

I'd move out now. It will give the children time to adjust before going back to school. And give you both the space you clearly need.

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