Living with ex over school holidays - feelings involved

[Headinhands2019]

Hi guys,

Me and my partner of 10 years spilt up at the end of July. She ended as doesn't love me or have feelings for me anyone. We agreed that I'd stay over the school holidays.
I still have feelings for her and have hugged her around 3 times and each time she feels lifeless and like her soul has left her body. I've told her countless times that I love her and we should make this work. She has her mindset!
Should I completely back off for the remaining time we're living together? She's not going to change her mind right?
All her benefits have been put in place and I feel redundant....

Good evening.

Sorry to start an old post however looking for advice.
So I moved out of the family home end of August 2019.
We barely spoke for a good few months.
Spent Christmas together, me, her and the kids.
Since leaving in August right up to February this year, I kept hinting at getting back together. Then I totally backed off, was cold not inviting as before. Then there was a change in her mood.

I would go over there once sometimes twice a week and on occasion so would be kind of flirty for lack of a better word. Bumping in to me on purpose, running her hands through my hair etc. Stuff like when we were together. This has continued for ages and this week was the tipping point.....

I was over there this week, led on one of the boys beds playing on PS4. She comes in and starts sitting on me. I push her off. She then lays on the bed and wraps her legs around me, pulling me closer in-between her legs. I push her off then she does this again. This goes on for a while. When I stop struggling to get her off and give up. After that she does the same to me on her bed. Pulling me between her legs. I end up rubbing her and making her c*m. She was led on her front and didn't touch me. Anyway I left after a while then she texts me....

I'm sorry, it shouldn't have happened.
I replied, honestly it's cool, I thought it's what you wanted.
She said it is but don't think it's a good idea.
I said it doesn't change anything and just forget it happened. Not spoken for a few days now however that's normal.

What do you make of it? I was used and it was to gain control? She has mixed emotions?
She keeps making a point that there is no one else.

Just to add, she knew exactly what she was doing. Starting wrapping around me with trousers on then went away and came back with pajama type pants on, saying she was hot. Wrapping around me again. It was a spur of the moment thing.

*wasn't a spur of the moment thing.

She is messing with your head.
Set yourself some boundaries and dont allow her to play these games with you

I very much doubt it's mixed emotions.
By the sounds of it she wanted to know you still wanted her in that moment, probably for an ego boost.

Why she needed the ego boost is impossible for any of us to know...but almost guaranteed to be for selfish reasons with no consideration for your feelings.

I think you need to stop going round to her house and have contact with your kids on set days. I'm going through something similar. I always wanted a good relationship with him despite having an affair and gaslighting me. He hugs me in front of the kids so I don't feel as though I can say no. She's being controlling doing this in front of the kids and very unfair to you. Get some proper contact in place. I wish you well OP but getting back together would be a disaster.

"She keeps making a point that there is no one else."

There clearly was someone else.

She's keeping you dangling. It's over and you CAN make that decision to have clear boundaries. If you don't you'll never move on

Thanks for all of the comments. Going to hers isn't an issue at the moment. It's when stuff happens is the issue, if it's only to use me.

Honestly! Just stop! Stop going there, you have your own place, entertain your children there and not at her house.
You sound like a lecherous asshole in your comments, especially those from last year, and as others have said she is just using how you are for her own satisfaction. She has no respect for you.
Time to grow up, set some boundaries in place and have contact at your own house.

An asshole or not, I got crushed and was heartbroken last year. We've finally got to a good place. She did the running the other day and not me. If I stop going there in the week, the kids lose and so do I.

Why can't you just have your kids to stay with you a couple of evenings a week? 30 mins drive is not far.
You seem determined to stay as enmeshed with your ex as possible and then complain when you are aren't getting what you want. If you want things to change it is in your own power to change them. If you choose to continue the way you are going then it is exactly that YOUR CHOICE.

Because I enjoy going there. It feels as normal as it ever did. I'd hate for it to stop but will ask her later if she wants me to stop coming over.

Why put the onus on her? Why can you not make a decision for yourself? You aren't some helpless pawn in this.
I think you actually enjoy the games with her, which is fine, you are both adults, but stop with the poor me nonsense.
Keep doing what you are doing and keep getting what you are getting. Nothing will change.

I'm by no means a victim in this! It used to be me trying it on with her then I stopped. Then she took the role of starting it up. Yes, I like the thrill and excitement and feeling wanted for a while. That's what is lacking in life at the moment. I don't want to stop going over but if she thinks things will be awkward I won't. It's her house and surely it's her say in it. If she wanted me that bad, so would had texted me everyday after this week. The fact she hasn't, says it all.

Yes it does!

What are the chances of it happening again or more?

I really do pity your children!
Put them first, put boundaires in place and stop letting your hormones rule their lives.

What a shit show. What do you want from this thread?

I wanted to know why she is doing this and her agenda. It's clear as day that I have been used.

For crying out loud, stop this. Nobody benefits from this back and forth.

If you don’t want to move on then stay on this merry go round, if not, get off. However, think of the very confusing mixed messages that both your behaviours are having on your children. Kids accept change, uncertainty however, will fuck with their head as they will never know what the situation is.

This isn’t fair on your kids and someone needs to be the grownup.

You haven't been used you are a more than willing participant! What age are you?

This is a tricky one. Ten years three children that's a long time and 3 children involved.
It's not like you can just shrug that off and go on your merry way. You love her and your family unit.
It hurts when you love someone and they don't love you back. Denial being one of the first stages you will go through.
Be civil to her.
Start to make plans over child custody, monies, house etc etc. Move out when you can. Distance yourself from her personally. Take time for you and you and your kids. Time is a good healer.

Sorry this thread is a year old. I moved out late August 2019. I seen her this afternoon when picking the children up. I said do you want me to stop coming over and she said no, you come over for the kids. I said about what happened the other day and she said it was just a one off. I said we've got to a good place and I don't want to ruin anything.

Oh OP, stop being an idiot. Back off and go back to having minimal contact. She doesn't want to get back together.