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Original poster

Living with ex over school holidays - feelings involved

82 replies

Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 01:02

Hi guys,

Me and my partner of 10 years spilt up at the end of July. She ended as doesn't love me or have feelings for me anyone. We agreed that I'd stay over the school holidays.
I still have feelings for her and have hugged her around 3 times and each time she feels lifeless and like her soul has left her body. I've told her countless times that I love her and we should make this work. She has her mindset!
Should I completely back off for the remaining time we're living together? She's not going to change her mind right?
All her benefits have been put in place and I feel redundant....

OP posts:
Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 18:00

The plan is to go weekend 24th/25th August. We have a 'family' trip away for the kids 23rd&24th

OP posts:
Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 18:00

Sorry I meant 22nd & 23rd

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 12/08/2019 18:26

You need to discuss what will happen going forward
When you see the kids
What will happen in the holidays
Who will pay for what
What clubs etc they attend and when/how if it’s your time
Christmas and birthdays
Uniform and shoes etc they need

Start getting practical

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 12/08/2019 18:43

We have all that figured out. It's me that won't let go!

OP posts:
eve34 · 13/08/2019 07:08

It is horrible when you are the party that doesn't want to let go. It is easy for everyone to say draw a line and move on. It won't happen just like that.

Only you know if you can get through the next few weeks and stay in the house. It seems like a good idea but isn't always possible.

It sounds like you have talked about how this is going to work long term.

Maybe she will miss you when you have gone. But don't hold your breath. As others have said keep your dignity. And don't buy the flowers.

I'm two years down the line and now I'm just feeling ok about things. It sucks. Especially holidays. Birthdays and christmases. You just have to keep moving forward. How ever that looks to you. Join a gym. Go out with friends. Keep yourself busy. And hopefully you will find someone new further down the line.

Spanielmadness · 13/08/2019 07:18

From what you say this could be salvaged.
If she is insistent you move out, do so, but do everything you can to show her you want it to work, but not through physical contact with her.

If you can demonstrate you can be there for your family as a whole, giving them what they need and sharing a full life together you are meeting her needs.
If she sleeps with you, how is this addressing her needs re: why you split?

Edenrose206 · 13/08/2019 09:54

Did everyone miss the comment about how she'd "gotten very close" with a work colleague? Headinhands2019, I'm sorry, but it sounds like you've been chumped. I would bet you £100 she's cheating (full sex) or its...at the very least...an emotional affair. Get thee over to Chump Lady's blog and read up on the cheater's mindset. See if anything resonates. I've been chumped, unbelievably, and you may find some solace and advice on that site. If she's playing you, and exiting for her shiny new toy/work colleague you deserve to know! Don't get her flowers and do the "pick me" tap dance... good luck. It hurts like hell.

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 13/08/2019 12:41

I think only time will tell and it will become apparent if it's him. I did have a face to face with him a few days before the split. He said he realised how bad it looks but nothing is going on. 3 days after we split up...

OP posts:
Edenrose206 · 13/08/2019 14:17

Really? Did you expect him to confess? Sorry, it doesn't work like that; please don't be as naive as I was! My DH's OW brought me lasagne while I was home on maternity leave with my newborn; she didn't happen to mention she was shagging my husband! Your DW has checked out; she has a future home movie in mind already, and it isn't starring you. Protect yourself.

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 13/08/2019 19:53

The last few months have been awful. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel! Thank you for all your input

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 13/08/2019 20:06

Hmm, I also smell another man, even from the first post. Sorry.
No flowers. Get the heck out and keep hold of your dignity.

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 13/08/2019 22:45

I think another man might be the case. It's literally blown my little family apart. Hope it's worth it.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 13/08/2019 22:52

Why are you moving so far away from three small children?

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 13/08/2019 23:13

Much cheaper rent and a decent place to live. It's mainly motorway and just over 30 mins away.

OP posts:
eve34 · 14/08/2019 11:10

It did cross my mind there would be om. Every women that posts the same sort of post the first thing to be said is there is ow. No one gives up a comfortable life (even with its down sides for nothing). IMO.

Hope you find your angry. And start to move yourself forward. It hurts like nothing else. And distance is probably a good thing if I'm honest as I rarely go anywhere locally for fear of bumping into ex and ow/gf.

You will move on from this. Just focus on being the best parent you can be and emotionally separate yourself from her.

C0untDucku1a · 14/08/2019 11:26

I just dont see what use you could be as a parent 30 minutes of motorway away. What about when you have them on school nights? That’s a big distance to take children before school. And after school pickups on your days? Do you work near their school so that wont be as big an issue?

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 14/08/2019 17:26

I work about 10 minutes from them and school. The distance isn't ideal but what is?

OP posts:
Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 10/09/2019 13:49

So here's an update: moved out of the family home on 24th August. It was very painful at first but it's getting easier. I've already gone to her 2-3 times about it being a huge mistake and we should be together and have our family.
She's getting extremely annoyed that I keep bringing it up as it makes her feel bad. She said she just needs space and be alone. I said what if things change change a few months down the line....she hasn't written it off completely from what I can gather.

I've stayed a few times over night and she mentioned about me staying Friday night as she won't be home until 7pm from work and I can sort the kids out and put them to bed. She says it's 'all for the kids'. On the nights I said there we sat and watched Bake off (sadly admitted it) and we laughed and joke like nothing had ever happened.

My question is, do you think we might get back together? Or am I being used and I'm a convenient childminder?

Any advice would be great. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
mummymayhem18 · 10/09/2019 17:12

@Headinhands2019 I know you have the children in common and always will but face it any other relationship is over by the sounds of it. Stop bringing it up and she won't get annoyed. You're living apart so that should tell you all you need to know. I know it's easier said than done but stop clinging on and have some dignity for yourself. You need to move on and stop reading things into everything. You will always have contact because of the children. Move on with your life and you will I'm sure find someone else in the future.

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 10/09/2019 20:43

Thanks for the reply. I don't want anyone else, I want her back and my family. I'm going to back off completely and see if that works.

OP posts:
PennyPittstop · 10/09/2019 21:38

The more you bring up getting back with her, the more you will push her away. Be yourself. Focus on being the caring, fun person she fell in love with. Give her lots of space. Get on with your own life without her. When she can see that you are not going to sit around waiting for her is the time that she MAY (not will) realise she has made a mistake. If she does come back and you work things out, great. If she doesn't then at least you are rebuilding your life and getting yourself towards a position where you are possibly ready to meet someone new. Best of luck.

MissBehaves · 10/09/2019 22:11

If you’re still having sex when you stay over just stop as it’ll mess with your mind and complicate things/the reality of the situation even further.

If “it’s not written off completely from what you can gather” this lack of crystal clarity is all power in her hands when you are so explicit in your aim of getting back together (it will presumably be obvious to her in your behaviour if not your words).

I totally agree with PennyPittstop - the best thing you can do is this situation whether you get back together or not, is is actually you distancing yourself from the “relationship” and at least give her a chance to actually miss you and know what the reality of life is like without you.

Right now try to focus solely on yourself and your kids.

If it’s meant to be, it will be. By clinging on at this stage it’ll put you a very very weak position if there is any potential reconciliation where you’re “grateful” but will understandably always be scared on some level it could happen again and the other party will know they can indeed discard you on a whim safe in the knowledge you’ll likely be waiting IF they then change their mind.

Please respect yourself in this difficult process as this will put you in a better position to move forward successfully irrespective of if you guys reconcile or not.

You sound like a nice man and a good dad. I hope things work out for you OP.

Good luck Gin

Original poster
Headinhands2019 · 11/09/2019 09:41

Again, thank you for the in depth replies, they really do help.

We've stop having sex completely. Last time was 22nd August. I totally understand it complicates things but I can't help thinking if she's not getting it from me.... A selfish view I know but I'm still in love with her.

I won't see her until Friday evening now as that will be when I drop the kids off. I intend to stick by my no contact rule until then.

Another thing - I did previously block her on what's app. She texted me saying why have you done that and unblock.
Well yesterday, my heart stopped when I noticed she'd changed her profile picture. A selfie. Not with the kids or anything, it's alone.
I messaged her saying, what the f#*k is this? (With joking emoji). She replied saying she likes the picture.
Every picture on what's app has been with the kids.....

OP posts:
mummymayhem18 · 11/09/2019 20:19

🤦‍♀️

Yeahnahyeah1 · 11/09/2019 20:31

Oh god you’re stepping over into crazy ex territory with that last post. It’s absolutely none of your concern what her profile picture is, and I find it completely baffling that you thought it appropriate to comment (even with a joking emoji 🙄). You need to try and focus on being a good co-parent with her and that is all, as hard as it’ll be. She’s done with it.