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Relationships

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Original poster

anyone else not close to their siblings?

54 replies

ssd · 22/03/2018 09:57

and it makes them sad?

mine moved away over 30 years ago so I grew up like an only child (am the youngest), parents died and now its just us left, I tried to keep in touch but it was all one sided and eventually it hurt too much and I gave up

wish I had siblings I was close to, I have no other family

anyone similar? sometimes it feels like everyone except me has extended family who get on, or keep in touch at least

OP posts:

BurningBright · 22/03/2018 10:05

Me. Not remotely close to my brother And yes, it makes me sad.

We actually live very close to one another but he just doesn't like me very much. I used to try to be a part of his life. I really wanted to try to be close to my nieces. My SIL always facilitated this and I thought that she and I had a good relationship, but if I ever telephoned to suggest visiting or meeting up and my brother answered he would always make excuses.

I see them very occasionally, but I honestly think that once we no longer have our parents what little contact we have will wither to nothing.

I'm a lone parent to an only child and the thought of her growing up with no extended family makes me very sad.

BurningBright · 22/03/2018 10:06

I don't really know why he dislikes me. But it's clear that he does and that hurts horribly.

Sarahlou63 · 22/03/2018 10:07

I can relate - my older brother (adopted, as was I) and I haven't seen each other or spoken since 1999. He went away to boarding school when he was 8 and didn't really live at home after that (apart from holidays, when - I now realise - I resented the attention he got). He's got two children I've never met. I guess we'll have to communicate at some stage when our parents pass on but that will be it.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 22/03/2018 10:21

Me too. Similar story - am the younger, my sister left home when I was 8 and I rarely saw her after that. She developed a narcissistic, entitled matter (told my mother that we (my mum and I) shouldn't do anything, such as go anywhere, when she wasn't there. She expected us to wait at home until she deigned to visit.

I have as little to do with her as possible. Haven't seen her for nearly 5 years, though will have to next year as my mum has a big birthday. I speak to her on the phone maybe once a year. I have adopted other people as family instead.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/03/2018 10:25

@Sarahlou63 Do you each see your parents?

littlepooch · 22/03/2018 10:27

Me. My sister and I aren't close.
She seems to really dislike me and im not sure why.
We haven't spoken in months and before that would rarely speak or see each other. I'm currently pregnant and thought I might hear from her when mum told her but I heard nothing.

It's very sad. But to be honest I've got used to it now. I'm more sad for my kids as they wont have a big extended family or cousins etc.
It's scared me that my girls might grow up like this but I don't know how to make sure it doesnt happen.

Sarahlou63 · 22/03/2018 10:29

I live abroad so only see my parents every couple of years; I think they see my brother more regularly, I know my dad is close to his grandson.

Mintychoc1 · 22/03/2018 10:34

Off topic but Sarahlou I'm astounded that your parents adopted a child and then sent him away to boarding school at such a young age, while keeping you at home. What were they thinking?!

I had a brother who I got on brilliantly with. He died at age 20, and I still really miss him 30 years later.

However I also have a younger half brother who I saw a lot as we grew up. There's only 6 years between us, but we have virtually nothing but genetics in common. I don't have anything against him, and when we meet we are perfectly amicable, but he lives 200 miles away and we only get together every couple of years, mainly to keep our kids in contact.

I'm very envious of people who have close relationships with siblings as adults.

sayatidaknama · 22/03/2018 10:42

My brother and I were always extremely close. 10 years ago he stopped contact with me for reasons I have never discovered. It broke my heart. Today noone else in my family speaks to me either (including both parents and younger brother, very close circle of aunts and uncles). I have been completely disowned by everyone. Absolutely no idea why.

immortalmarble · 22/03/2018 10:43

I am very close to my brother but he lives abroad and our parents died; it does make me sad but I do have a group of incredibly close friends who are my “sisters”

exLtEveDallas · 22/03/2018 10:44

I have an 'ok' relationship with my siblings. I see one every couple of months or so and keep in touch via text or FB. I see the others maybe yearly and might text once in a blue moon.

We used to see each other more often, as long as it was me doing the chasing. I would travel long distances to visit parents and then be expected to travel to them as well - not once did they bother to make any journey. So I stopped facilitating them and guess what? I barely see them.

I am also pissed off that my child, the youngest child, is ignored by them. Between them my sibs have 8 kids. I didn't miss one birthday, Easter or Xmas from
birth to age 18. Even when I was out of the country I would remember and send cards and gifts/money. One of my sibs always remembers DD, one SIL sends a card. The other two? Not a fucking thing since DD was about 7 - she's 13 next week. Fuck 'em.

gigg · 22/03/2018 10:45

I often feel sad when I see siblings who are best friends, celebrate each other's achievements etc. I get on well enough with my siblings and am somewhat close to one of them, but I have tried to get closer to the others and it hasn't led anywhere. I think sometimes you just have to accept that it is what is, and that siblings can be very different people. However it's not all doom and gloom - my relationship with my siblings changes over time and I'm hopeful that we can be more open and close in the future, even if we never get to be each other's BFFs like some people I know.

Pericombobulations · 22/03/2018 11:20

I'm not close to either of my brothers and they expect me to sort out elderly mum out on my own. I fully expect to never hear from either once Mum goes.

One brother still hasn't even mentioned my diagnosis of MS from nearly 18 months ago and I've seen him a few times since

Original poster

ssd · 22/03/2018 12:16

I can relate to all these posts. I was left to look after my elderly mum too. And I also never missed birthdays, easter, christmas's for 18 years, now my kids, being by far the youngest, get nothing..nada...nothing at all...and they don't have any grandparents alive to spoil them, like my siblings kids had..

it makes me sad, resentful and furious, but beyond all, just really sad.

my biggest hope for my dc's is is that are close when they grow up, but like another poster said, I don't know how to make that happen.

OP posts:

LimonViola · 22/03/2018 12:23

Yep. I'm permanently estranged from my older brother due to him being an abuser and having to go NC for the past few years.

Our mum is dead and he's the only person who knows what it was like to have our mum, and he has my two perfect nephews so it's a big loss.

I still grieve and assume I always will.

LimonViola · 22/03/2018 12:25

my biggest hope for my dc's is is that are close when they grow up, but like another poster said, I don't know how to make that happen.

Sadly it's entirely beyond your control. Beyond raising them to hopefully be nice stable people without a history of trauma, there's not much you can do to ensure the relationship of two grown adults will flourish the way you wish it to.

Dancingmonkey87 · 22/03/2018 12:26

I relate to a degree with this I have two older brothers with an 8year and 5 year age gap between me, I was the youngest girl. Me and my eldest brother get on fine he sees my dc, lives locally and a good relationship although my second brother I have zero time for. For as long as I remember he has always been horrible to me as a child and as an adult. He would bully me relentlessly call me stupid said no one would want to be my friend, wind me up and then I would get into trouble whilst he laughed behind my parents back. He would put his snot on my cutlery, spit in my hair, he really was a piece of work and enjoyed making my life miserable, I have zero fond or happy memories with him. Even as adults he talks down to me thinks his better than me and his wife is use the same. I’ve reduced contact considerably and have zero time for him or his family as harsh as that sounds.

Want2bSupermum · 22/03/2018 12:27

Things are very strained with my siblings. I'm taking care of our father and my sister resents that I fly back so often and my brother is just unavailable. The burden on me is a lot as I've also got 2 DC with ASD.

SomeUsername · 22/03/2018 13:12

I'm not close to any of my relatives. I was never really too bothered about this, but now I have children, the idea that they won't always be so close makes me sad.

Regarding my siblings, even as children we were radically different. I was always interested in reading and learning, but my family never read, and never did anything which could be considered intellectual. The only books we had in the house were the ones I asked for at Christmas / Birthdays. My family were more into sport, which bored me.

Growing up, I was the only one in my family who went to university, my siblings went into employment as soon as they could.

I moved away, they stayed within half a mile of where they were born.

Interestingly, I'm the most active now. I climb regularly, kayak, paraglide - they're content with work and TV.

I see them at Christmas, and I Love them, but we have very little to talk about. They don't read, or have interest in science / politics, and I don't watch much TV, so can't chat about shows.

MsMalcontent · 22/03/2018 13:25

Mine too. She's a toxic bitch and a compulsive liar.
She used to walk all over me we used to be really close until the scales fell from my eyes.

SevenStones · 22/03/2018 13:35

I have three half siblings who are 12-15 years older than me. Up till I was in my twenties I considered them to be just my siblings. I visited and stayed with the eldest, the youngest called me sister all the time, the middle one was always a bit distant. I sent them all birthday and Christmas presents, when children came I sent them presents too - there were eight nieces and nephews eventually. I never received a thank you for anything I sent, or an acknowledgement, even though they were pleasant enough when we met.

Unfortunately because I had a traumatic childhood of abuse and neglect, I thought it was all my fault so I just tried harder.

Eventually I got wise, decided to not pursue relationships with them and to wait until they contacted me.

Thirteen years later (!!) I met two of them at our father's 80th birthday do.

I've only seen one of my siblings since and haven't seen any of my nieces and nephews for nearly twenty years now.

When I did see that sibling again I realised that they weren't a very nice person at all, in fact they all seem to be pretty much like my father, who isn't a nice person either.

Although I'm sad that it's just me because I don't have any family of my own, I feel now that I've actually dodged a bullet because now I can see them clearly, I don't think they are very nice people at all.

Snowqueeny75 · 22/03/2018 13:54

Yeah, moved home a while ago, live walking distance to my sibling, only to realise that they really don’t like me very much. Have barely seen them and now not on speaking terms which is hard. She is going through some hard times personally (alcohol abuse, about the 7 millionth person in my family to have this issue) but I think seeing me makes it worse. I have had the hardest five years of my life and she has been interested not one bit.

To make it worse she hoovers up all the availabile attention from the rest of the family and is keen not to share (childcare etc). I’m thinking of moving away again as it’s so utterly depressing. It’s just like she sees me as an irritating competitor for resources.

Original poster

ssd · 22/03/2018 14:07

it seems to me, and its true in my case, if you are the much younger sibling, you get totally forgotten, like you don't count...and your kids go without everything your older siblings kids got, growing up.

its like your older siblings have never bothered to get to know you, or your family, whilst at the same time, when their kids were growing up they were the apple of your eye.

OP posts:

Snowqueeny75 · 22/03/2018 14:19

Ssd definitely how it is to a certain extent here.

PrizeOik · 22/03/2018 18:55

My sister stopped speaking to me and moved away when my marriage fell apart. She took it as an insult of some kind, since she was a newlywed I think? and I was upsetting her ideas of a happy, couply extended family.

She started contacting me when she needed me to turn up for new pg / baby / birthday / happy family events that would look good on FB. Was very put out that I was polite and cheery but didn't really want to participate (why would I want to spend time with someone who has worked so hard to cut me off when I was at rock bottom?), and that's when the victim playing started.

It's pathetic really. But, she refuses to acknowledge she did anything wrong - to her, it's normal to be shunned when you dare step out of line, you take your medicine and then work to grovel your way back into the family. The fact that I am not doing that means that I am even more defective than she thought.

It breaks my heart but ultimately, one has to allow others to have these judgements. I spent a lot of energy loving and supporting my sister when we were younger - but I know now that she never saw that as a two way street sadly.

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