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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsure what to do

57 replies

essieestherson · 18/03/2018 15:50

Last night I decided to split from my H. He was caught out with lying about something quite minuscule. Rather then admit the truth he got very angry and violent, smacked me in the head (not hard) called me names including cunt then punched 2 holes into a door. All of this in front of the DC 10,4 and 1.

He left and has only really messaged since to be nasty and check when I'm out so he can pick up some things.

Now he's just messaged to see if he can take the 10 and 4 year old to the cinema... I really don't know what to do. I can't stop him seeing the kids but I really don't want them to think that what he did was acceptable and that now they just go out for a lovely evening. Should I just let them go..

OP posts:
Motherofstudent · 18/03/2018 15:53

I would say no. You're right I think, they need to understand that things are not normal and this was not acceptable.

And I would sit down with your children and explain the situation to them and tell them that of course they will be seeing Daddy, just not today and not until he's arranged to get some help to stop him being so angry and cross.

And tell your H that this is what you've told the DCs.

ElspethFlashman · 18/03/2018 15:54

Are you mad??? He's violent! Np you cannot let them go!

And you need to log the incident with the police.

char187 · 18/03/2018 15:54

Absolutely not. He's just been extremely violent towards you. Your dcs witnessed it. It's not the time to be allowing contact. Make sure you have family and friends around you. I'd seriously think about getting the police involved

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 15:54

No,not so soon after witnessing all that. Give yourself and the kids some space. Sounds like he's trying to wean himself back in before you get time to actually let the horrendous things he's done sink in.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 18/03/2018 15:58

No. The kids will be trying to process what they saw.

Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 16:01

I just messaged telling him that I don't feel comfortable with the kids going out with him so soon as it makes it seem like the way he acted was acceptable. He then replied blaming the whole incident on me...

I told my mum about this this morning and she pretty much told me that he was wrong but that everyone gets angry sometimes and I shouldn't have picked him up on his lying. Hmm

Feeling pretty pissed off by that so thanks for all agreeing with me!

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 18/03/2018 16:02

No. He is violent. Call the police and report the assault and the damage.

Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 16:02

The problem is the kids were upset last night but they are wanting to see him...

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/03/2018 16:03

So what? Be the adult.

sparklepops123 · 18/03/2018 16:05

Can you imagine what crap he’ll be saying to them if you say yes? He’ll be trying to make you out to be the bad guy and YOUR not

Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 16:07

I am the adult. I have dealt with the horrible situation very well.

Everyone just seems to be acting like this is all normal and I am feeling a bit like I'm over reacting. I know deep down that I am not though.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 18/03/2018 16:07

Have you contacted the police? You may be glad of it further down the line

Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 16:08

Yes I know exactly what he'll be saying to them. It terrifies me, it's probably one of the biggest reasons why we haven't split before...

OP posts:
Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 16:09

I'll contact the police now, thanks, just so they can log it if nothing else.

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 16:09

Aw wow,your mum sounds like a pillar of support! Anyways,ignore her absolutely ridiculous stupid remark,and tell police.(sooner,rather than later,before you all yourself out of it)...then give yourself some space from him(no contact at all),and when feeling a little less shocked,decide how you want to move forward...I.e.kids seeing him in safe environment,etc.

Crispbutty · 18/03/2018 16:09

Call. The. Police.

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 16:10

All,is meant to say talk :)

Crispbutty · 18/03/2018 16:10

Sorry, cross posted. I’m glad to hear it. I’ve been in your situation and it’s not an easy thing to do but it is the best thing to do. X

BlondeB83 · 18/03/2018 16:11

Do not let them go! And call the police.

Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 16:18

Okay I definitely won't let them go. It's very hard as he is so great a twisting things, saying I started the argument in front of the kids etc.. Which wasn't the case, I actually asked him to come into a different room.

I think I'm just going to ignore his messages from now on. Hope he doesn't just turn up at the house and give it a week or so before I decide what to do.

Thanks, everyone!

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 18/03/2018 16:23

I wouldn't let them go OP, you all need time for the dust to settle before you can work out stuff like contact. As for what your mum said, by all means talk to people but your boundaries and decisions are your own and you shouldn't be swayed by other people's opinions. Much like advice on MN you need to take what's useful to you and ignore the rest, no one else knows your situation better than you so don't let what she said make you doubt yourself.

FWIW I agree you should report what happened to the police, you have no idea how this is going to develop and reporting now will make accessing support and protection (should you need it) so much easier down the line. I know it feels 'extreme' but you wouldn't think twice if someone had attacked you in the street and tbf you have no more idea what your H might do next than you would a stranger, protect yourself (and DC) Flowers

AnyFucker · 18/03/2018 16:25

You are not going to report to the police, are you ?

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 16:28

Let him twist the story inside out,upside down,round and round,it doesn't matter. you do what you have to for you and the kids :) if you've called the police,then great...because if he comes near the house again,the police will instantly make him Leave.... And absolutely totally ignore his texts for now,until you digest this and feel strong enough to arrange how/when he can see kids(also replying to his texts is not giving yourself the proper space you need)

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 16:30

But I can't stress enough how sorry you'll be down the line,if you've not informed the police...

EyepatchOfTravis · 18/03/2018 16:33

Do you mean giving it a week before deciding to call the police or not? What happens in the very likely event that he turns up at the house before that?

BTW, even if you had disagreed with him in front of your kids (and I believe you when you say you tried to take it into a different room), would that in any way justify physical violence and vile language towards you - especially in front of your kids? Please don't let him or your mother minimise this

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