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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsure what to do

57 replies

essieestherson · 18/03/2018 15:50

Last night I decided to split from my H. He was caught out with lying about something quite minuscule. Rather then admit the truth he got very angry and violent, smacked me in the head (not hard) called me names including cunt then punched 2 holes into a door. All of this in front of the DC 10,4 and 1.

He left and has only really messaged since to be nasty and check when I'm out so he can pick up some things.

Now he's just messaged to see if he can take the 10 and 4 year old to the cinema... I really don't know what to do. I can't stop him seeing the kids but I really don't want them to think that what he did was acceptable and that now they just go out for a lovely evening. Should I just let them go..

OP posts:
Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 16:36

Yes anyfucker. I'm going to call this evening. I admit I do feel silly calling saying that he hit me as it wasn't very hard but I have listened to everyone's opinions and agree that it would be best to have it noted to be used in the future if I have problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 16:38

Also reading it back I know it sounds bad saying that 'it wasn't very hard hard' a hit is a hit and it is not okay.

OP posts:
EyepatchOfTravis · 18/03/2018 16:41

You're right, a hit is a hit - though I can understand the temptation to minimise it to yourself as it must have been a horrible shock for you. He also punched 2 holes in a door. And called you a "cunt".

From what I understand about how domestic violence escalates, it often starts with things like "accidentally" bumping into the partner and the odd dig - hitting you 'not hard' could be the start of an escalation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers

QuiteLikely5 · 18/03/2018 16:43

If he did this I dread to think what emotional abuse those kids have witnessed.

It’s absolutely shocking in this day and age the stuff that people put their children through

Your children’s father is an absolute parasite and if you allow him back to witness more of the same then I’m afraid you are showing a lack of concern regarding your children’s welfare.

Your own mothers comments sum up and explain a lot as to why you are with an abusive arsehole

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 16:48

Why not now? The police aren't going to treat it as serious when he turns up(what are you going to say then,my husband that lives here has come to the house).... I know it's tough,but unless you explain he hit you,called you a torrent amount of abusive names and mangled the door, now,not long after this has all happened....then they have no reason to remove him down the line. Are you scared because it was in front of the kids?

Iooselipssinkships · 18/03/2018 16:50

The only way things got better for me when I was being attacked (it starts off not hard but if they get away with it they will ramp it up. Started with a push, a slap, then a broken nose and an attempted murder) is police involvement.
As hard as it is it's the right thing to do and to show your DC that you do NOT put up with violence. Show them you do not put up with shit.
The police won't think you're stupid, it's what they're there for. You've been assaulted OP. Spitting doesn't hurt either but it's assault. Sometimes rape leaves no injuries but it's still rape.
Good luck and stay safe. Keep him away from DC for the time being, if he can attack you in front of them then he is a terrible abusive Father. Who is not only abusing you but abusing the kids too.

Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 16:52

I just thought it would be best to call them when the kids were in bed.

OP posts:
PhuntSox · 18/03/2018 16:53

Show the police the damage, make sure you say the children saw it all.

Snowdrop567 · 18/03/2018 16:55

I agree that you should log this incident with the police, but I also agree with you that it's best to do it when your children are asleep.

rainbowruthie · 18/03/2018 16:55

Please call them now - surely you can go into a separate room, so that the children don't hear what you are saying......

EyepatchOfTravis · 18/03/2018 16:57

Is there any way of phoning the police on the non emergency line out of earshot of the kids just to flag it up and ask if you can ring later with more details when they're in bed? Just in case he rocks up to your house before you've had a chance to ring them?

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 16:58

I get what your saying....but if you don't the kids to 're live it again,could you whack on the tv.....go in to next room. I'm just afraid,when their in bed,you'll change your mind by then. And even if they do hear glimpses,they've already witnessed it,and now seeing mum isn't accepting this,would only be a good thing.

Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 17:01

Okay I'll do it now. I just can't get my head round it all at the moment. Silly question but I've never had to call the police before...is it best to call 101?

OP posts:
LifeinColour · 18/03/2018 17:05

Yes 101 and good luck!

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 17:08

Aw well done for being so strong :) of course you can't,what a disgusting thing for you to go through....and today,understandably you feel utter crap,horrified,in shock. He today,however,just wants to take a trip to the cinema. Yes 101,good luck

AnyFucker · 18/03/2018 17:29

Well done. Don't doubt yourself. He assaulted you in front of your children. If a stranger did that in the street you would be syraight on the phone. Because he is your so-called partner does not excuse it. In fact, it makes it worse

BewareOfDragons · 18/03/2018 17:42

He didn't hit you very hard this time.

Remember that. this time

I'm glad you're calling the police finally.

Motherofstudent · 18/03/2018 18:00

Op, ignore the likes of QuiteLikely5. You are doing brilliantly. You have had a terrible shock - on top of the assault - and you are dealing with it as best you can. Things do need to change - and you have started those changes. You don't deserve or need criticism - you are taking action and you deserve to be congratulated. One step at a time. You and your children will be OK.

Original poster
essieestherson · 18/03/2018 18:05

Thank you motherofstudent. That means a lot. I have spoken with my kids this evening about it and they are okay and aware that it was a terrible thing to do.

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 18:43

So glad to hear this :) and I know I'm like an annoying fly!!,and the police,have you phoned them

QuiteLikely5 · 18/03/2018 21:02

Mother of student

Ignore me? What precisely in my post should the op ignore?

ChickenMom · 19/03/2018 04:26

OP, it doesn’t matter how hard he hit you, what matters is that he hit you. Regardless of how hard, any form of physical violence is not ok. It might help to think about it like this, if he went up to a random person in McDonald’s and hit them like he hit you, what would then happen? Would you expect that person to call the police? If your answer is “yes of course” then why is it any different for you? The answer is that it’s not. You have the right to not expect violence, any level of violence, in your own home. Nobody, absolutely nobody, has the right to strike you. What he did was wrong. What he did was illegal. He did it in front of the kids. Do not let him have access until you’ve spoken to the police and a solicitor. Get an appointment ASAP with a family solicitor about your rights. That is another reason why you need to log it with the police. If he starts telling the kids that it was your fault and you deserved etc etc then he can’t and shouldn’t be allowed access. It’s called “parental alienation” and it’s very serious indeed. The courts will not allow a parent access to a child if they are doing that. Google it and read up on it. You now need to start saving copies of all messages. If he wants to see the kids then he needs to go to counselling and get help for his anger and that is the minimum that you and the kids expect/deserve. Your mum is quite frankly disgusting. Sorry OP but she is. Telling you it’s ok for that to happen? WTF? No No No. That is not acceptable. Her daughter has been attacked in front of her grandchildren and that’s her response? You deserve better support. Keep posting on here and we will support and help you.

Sally2791 · 19/03/2018 04:39

Tell police, do not minimize and imagine what you would say if it was happening to your daughter. Don't understand your mother's attitude but maybe comes from her own unresolved issues. Look after yourself and your children

MotherofStudent · 19/03/2018 09:41

QuiteLikely5
The OP should ignore ALL of your post as you are only confirming, reinforcing and exacerbating her DH's abuse. I'm sure it's unintentional on your part but you NEVER tell any victim that it's their fault - they've generally had years of being told that by their abuser and don't need anyone else to tell them the same thing.

Take a look at what you've said:
"I dread to think..." it's not about what you think. Your judgment is not required.

".. emotional abuse those kids have witnessed."
You don't know the OP, you've never lived with her, you know nothing about their lives.

"It’s absolutely shocking in this day and age the stuff that people put their children through"
Kick her when she's down - that's the way to do it! Angry. Again, you know nothing of her circumstances and you are passing awful judgment on her.

"Your children’s father is an absolute parasite and if you allow him back to witness more of the same then I’m afraid you are showing a lack of concern regarding your children’s welfare. "
Again, let's pile blame on the OP here for 'allowing' this to happen.

"Your own mothers comments sum up and explain a lot as to why you are with an abusive arsehole."
How could you say such a terrible thing??? The OP's life is falling apart and you're agreeing with her mother that it's her fault????? If you actually meant that her mother's awful attitude has conditioned the OP into acceptance of abusive relationships - and I'd like to think this is what you meant - you expressed it very badly.

Again, your whole post is judgmental of the OP and victim-blaming. Try to be supportive instead.

Hidingtonothing · 19/03/2018 14:08

How are you today essie, hope you're ok Flowers

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