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Original poster

Should I tell him, or let him go?

66 replies

DaffsAreOut · 25/02/2018 18:22

A year ago I left my husband after 10 years. In the last few months I’ve been in touch with a guy I’ve known for many years, since way before I got married. He was the one I always had feelings for but the timings were never right... so I’ve never been in a relationship with him, but there are lots of feelings, on both sides. He’s told me he regrets us never getting together. We talk or text most days.

Basically it’s been too soon after separating to get involved in anything new, but in my mind, given time, I’d have been interested in starting a relationship with this guy.

He told me today he has been offered the job of his dreams. In Sydney. Shock

He’s not decided whether to accept, and wants my advice.

Do I tell him that if he stays I want a relationship with him? Or is it totally unfair to put that on him, and leave him to make his decision without me clouding his judgement?

If I say nothing he will take the job. He would be silly not to. And that would be the end of any chance for the two of us.

What would you do, Mumsnet??

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 25/02/2018 18:25

I would 100% tell him how you feel

Chippyway · 25/02/2018 18:26

I would tell him

Maybe he’s told you this in the hope you’ll admit any feelings?

GottadoitGottadoit · 25/02/2018 18:26

If you’ve never even shagged the bloke then let him go. You’ve been single for a year. If anything was going to happen, it would have by now.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/02/2018 18:27

Tell him, but be prepared for him to go anyway. Life is too short for regrets. Could you go with him?

MatildaTheCat · 25/02/2018 18:32

You have nothing to lose. Keep it light but look straight into his eyes and say you’d be very sad if he left because you felt there was something special between you.

He may feel the same and still go. Depends on his situation and yours.

feelingfree17 · 25/02/2018 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 25/02/2018 18:37

tell him how you feel he deserves to make the decision knowing that

ThisLittleKitty · 25/02/2018 18:41

Nothings happened in a year. Yeh I would let him go.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/02/2018 18:47

She's only been back in touch a few months.
She was sensibly taking things slow.
Knowing there's a deadline changes things. Its not like they've been neighbours and single for 5 years!

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2018 18:50

There is no way he would turn that job down even if you do tell him you like him

Perhaps he is wondering if you’d move there with him?

TieGrr · 25/02/2018 18:52

You've no idea if a relationship between you would work. What if he gave up the opportunity and you realised you didn't work as a couple?

Muddlewitch · 25/02/2018 18:52

Tell him or you will always wonder. However he responds and whatever he chooses to do, you will be able to move on from that point but not telling would hang over you.

ChickenMom · 25/02/2018 18:59

Tell him

Original poster
DaffsAreOut · 25/02/2018 20:06

I can’t go with him. I have primary school aged children. He 100% would not think that is a possibility.

He is single and no kids. Could go in a flash.

I know @tiegrr, I could tell him, he could stay and it might not work between us. Then I’d feel terrible.

Yeah @sleepingstandingup it is the deadline that’s changed things.

The rest of you say “tell him”....Confused

OP posts:
Dissimilitude · 25/02/2018 20:11

Tell him 100%

If you don’t tell him, it’ll never happen and given how long you’ve held a torch for this guy, you’ll regret it for a long time.

If you do tell him, he can make a choice in full possession of the relevant info. If he goes, ok so that’s that. If he stays it still might not work. But so what? Tell him, it’s his choice after that. He’s a big boy, it’s up to him what he wants more.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/02/2018 20:24

Perhaps an i'd really miss you, I had started to wonder if there was more between us but then this is such an amazing opportunity

SantaClauseMightWork · 25/02/2018 20:36

Tell him. People do change their life plans for the people they love.
What have you got to lose? Nothing. Go on and tell him. Either way, you will be able to move on.

Mandapanda85 · 25/02/2018 20:51

Tell him tell him! You'll never know otherwise, and if you don't you'll regret it forever x

FizzyGreenWater · 25/02/2018 21:07

Tell him.

Just think, next Christmas you could be surrounded by crocodiles!

No seriously tell him. It's clear that's what he's alluding to. At least then you can discuss it.

babbi · 25/02/2018 21:38

You need to tell him .
I think he is trying to sound you out by consulting with you on this opportunity.

Please tell him .

I didn’t do so many years ago and my “man “ went off to Sydney .
He since told me one phone call from me would have stopped him going .

He is now selling up and coming back to me ... but that’s a whole other thread ..

Many years lost unnecessarily 😬

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 25/02/2018 21:41

Babbi would love to hear your story. I'm so glad he is coming back to you

Cricrichan · 25/02/2018 21:49

He's told you he's undecided about taking the job so maybe that's his way of getting you to come clear about your feelings for him?

I'd be really honest with him and tell him that you have feelings for him but of course neither if you know if it has any future. Tell him that you don't want him to turn down this amazing opportunity either.

When's he going? When does he have to accept or decline the offer? Have you got time to start anything before he has to make a decision?

Ohyesiam · 25/02/2018 22:00

Tell him.
You are not giving a rock solid guarantee of a future together. All you can do is to say what is in your heart.
I used to care for the dying, and NOBODY ever vocalised regretting the things they had tried, but they were often turned inside out by chances they had let slip.

Ohyesiam · 25/02/2018 22:01

Actually, one man was very cut up about a violent thing he did and regretted. But even that was more about missing his chance to say sorry, because his victim had since died.

BackInTheRoom · 25/02/2018 22:08

You're not 'letting him go' because it will be his decision.