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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I tell him, or let him go?

66 replies

DaffsAreOut · 25/02/2018 18:22

A year ago I left my husband after 10 years. In the last few months I’ve been in touch with a guy I’ve known for many years, since way before I got married. He was the one I always had feelings for but the timings were never right... so I’ve never been in a relationship with him, but there are lots of feelings, on both sides. He’s told me he regrets us never getting together. We talk or text most days.

Basically it’s been too soon after separating to get involved in anything new, but in my mind, given time, I’d have been interested in starting a relationship with this guy.

He told me today he has been offered the job of his dreams. In Sydney.

He’s not decided whether to accept, and wants my advice.

Do I tell him that if he stays I want a relationship with him? Or is it totally unfair to put that on him, and leave him to make his decision without me clouding his judgement?

If I say nothing he will take the job. He would be silly not to. And that would be the end of any chance for the two of us.

What would you do, Mumsnet??

OP posts:

springydaff · 26/02/2018 15:28

You can't be in control of what's going to happen. You just know you'd like him to stay. So tell him that.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 26/02/2018 15:41

agree with others.

be honest with him - but acknowledge that the chance of something probably isn't a good enough reason for him to stay.

but perhaps posit that if it's meant to be, it will find a way to happen - after all, 2 years isn't that long, and if you continue to stay in touch, he might decide to come back...

GottadoitGottadoit · 26/02/2018 19:56

Do you fancy him?

starlightafar · 26/02/2018 20:22

Gotta what an odd question to ask! What makes you ask that, out of interest?

GottadoitGottadoit · 26/02/2018 20:50

I don’t think it’s odd at all. Most of us, if we’d left a relationship and some months later reconnected with ‘one of the ones that got away’ would have organised some kind of date or something.

The OP hasn’t indicated that she’s even met up with him, and I’m just feeling it’s all a bit of a fantasy rather than actually wanting intimacy with the guy.

starlightafar · 26/02/2018 22:32

Got I see your point. I think the whole thing is based in fantasy (not being nasty at all here). Some behaviour indicating there was a mutual attraction would have occurred at some point. It hasn't.
Some people spend years on unavailable people. It fills a need for intimacy without providing intimacy. I would love it to work out for OP but agree with you.

Withhindsight · 26/02/2018 22:47

Tell him he has to take his dream job, if he doesn't he will always regret it (and possibly blame you if you suddenly fall into each other's arms). Tell him you will miss him and would love to keep in touch and visit him. Hopefully he'll offer to pay to whizz you and dcs over. If it's going to work, it will. Don't pressure him into staying, encourage him to go, but do tell him now you feel, what your hopes and fears are (oz is great)

GottadoitGottadoit · 26/02/2018 22:48

If I were to get completely cod psychological OP, I would say that it is interesting that you're only considering declaring yourself now that he's potentially leaving and therefore totally unavailable.

Which is a shame since it's not quite the fairytale ending.

ferando81 · 27/02/2018 00:49

His dream job might not be a dream job-just tell him

Microwavey · 27/02/2018 08:35

Just tell him. Don't keep your feelings a secret and live to regret it. He may stay, he may go, but if you don't be open and honest you will never know what might have been.

RockafellerSkank · 27/02/2018 13:44

I think I'd tell him I had strong feelings for him, but support his venture in Sydney. He can go for a year, then you can both reassess how you feel.
I would not want to tie a young, free and single man down. He may choose it, but I think he needs to experience this work opportunity while he has the chance.
You can always do a trip to Sydney over the summer, and see how you both feel about each other.

starlightafar · 28/02/2018 08:23

Have you told him OP?!

inthegarage · 02/03/2018 14:31

Definitely advise him to take the job of his dreams in such an amazing city. It's a brilliant opportunity for him. A potential life in a 'step-parent' role in my opinion is about as opposite to moving to Aus as a free and single person pursuing a dream job as you can get. I would say encourage him to make the most of that freedom.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 03/03/2018 10:04

Any update?

RockafellerSkank · 15/03/2018 23:49

Bumping for update!

Llsaa · 20/03/2018 20:08

Please please please...i hope youve told him. If you don't there's always that 'what if' and that's sometimes unbearable to live with. Can you update us ASAP!!!!

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