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Original poster

Should I tell him, or let him go?

66 replies

DaffsAreOut · 25/02/2018 18:22

A year ago I left my husband after 10 years. In the last few months I’ve been in touch with a guy I’ve known for many years, since way before I got married. He was the one I always had feelings for but the timings were never right... so I’ve never been in a relationship with him, but there are lots of feelings, on both sides. He’s told me he regrets us never getting together. We talk or text most days.

Basically it’s been too soon after separating to get involved in anything new, but in my mind, given time, I’d have been interested in starting a relationship with this guy.

He told me today he has been offered the job of his dreams. In Sydney. Shock

He’s not decided whether to accept, and wants my advice.

Do I tell him that if he stays I want a relationship with him? Or is it totally unfair to put that on him, and leave him to make his decision without me clouding his judgement?

If I say nothing he will take the job. He would be silly not to. And that would be the end of any chance for the two of us.

What would you do, Mumsnet??

OP posts:
babbi · 25/02/2018 22:09

Thanks NK .... in short ... someone from our hometown needed him for something from way back ! Just info !
Asked me to try to find him , quick message via social media... original topic dealt with - then “ how are you anyway “ ... cue flight back - floods of tears at airport reunion ...
and we need to give this second shot our best chance or we will always regret not knowing....

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 25/02/2018 22:25

Wow Babbi. How lovely for you both. I wish you both the very best in the future

babbi · 25/02/2018 22:27

Thank you 😊 very much

serialtester · 25/02/2018 22:30

Telll him.

SandyY2K · 25/02/2018 22:31

He's single without kids... it's a dream job. I wouldn't bother saying anything personally.

AnyFucker · 25/02/2018 22:35

My future H was in a similar position when we met

I waved him off with a smile, a bonk and never said a word

He was back in 3 months Grin

hellsbellsmelons · 26/02/2018 11:41

He's single, childless, it's his dream job in a wonderful location.
Don't hold him back.
Let him go.
If it's meant to be then it will happen another time.

GracieJohnson · 26/02/2018 11:53

You should definitely tell him you have feelings for him. I think that's only fair and better for both of you! Then he can still decide what to do. And don't worry about the relationship not working or something - that's something you never know before, but it's always better to try! Smile

Holdingonbarely · 26/02/2018 12:01

you haven't started a relationship with him but you want to but just not now?
can you meet up with him and see how the spark is? only then I can think you might be able to have this conversation
otherwise how would you even know

MrsExpo · 26/02/2018 13:17

They have schools in Australia OP ...... Smile

Tell him you’d miss him if he went and see how it goes.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 13:28

They have schools in Australia OP ...... smile
But perhaps not the child's father and extended family

starlightafar · 26/02/2018 13:35

I wouldn't. I truly believe it would have happened by now. What is meant for us doesn't pass us by. There is a reason why the boats kept missing each other.
I have kids, and would think if someone had a dream job in Australia, they should take that over the reality of me and someone else's kids. Because one is a lifetime opportunity which will never happen again. I wouldn't want to be the one who held them back.
If people are supposed to be together, they usually are.

Lizthefizzy · 26/02/2018 13:38

Hmmm. You've had all this time for one of you to say or act on your feelings. Kindly, was it ever going to happen?

Bringmewineandcake · 26/02/2018 13:41

Tell him! If he turns you down he’ll be in Australia anyway soon Grin

starlightafar · 26/02/2018 13:43

In my younger days I aspired to the Romantic film scenarios. I actually found the reality quite saddening. Yes, things do happen, but they are very, very rare. And harder as we age, particularly as women.
I feel bad for the OP. You have discussed past feelings about getting together. It isn't going to happen. You can fantasise, about sailing off into the sunset. However he is single and childless with the world at his feet. You, like me, are trapped (not negatively) to your hometown in order to maintain continuity for your children and their wider support circle and family. That is your future. If he wanted it to be his he wouldn't be going. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. For what it's worth, I had a relationship with someone childless with loads of opportunities and I ended up resenting my kids after a few months, as what might have been was so disappointing I began to dislike my reality.
Stay in real life, meet people, and find someone who you are meant to be with, rather than thinking about someone who you are not going to be with.

Chifi · 26/02/2018 13:46

Tell him! I think he is sussing you out. It will be shit if you declare your feelings over messenger when he's over there and he says he would never have gone if he'd know.

Dancingmonkey87 · 26/02/2018 13:49

It’s very like the movie “Like Rosie” you can be honest and take a risk but I would be prepared for him to take the job opportunity.

calmandbright · 26/02/2018 14:01

Tell him! You have nothing to lose, and perhaps everything to gain!!

Original poster
DaffsAreOut · 26/02/2018 14:03

Thanks for all of your thoughts - I do appreciate them, and so interesting to see the different views of different people.

Ok so just to respond to a few bits, yes there are indeed schools over there, but as someone else said, their dad, two sets of grandparents, and cousins, friends etc are all here. I am not even considering going to Aus with him. He said “what would you do if you were me?” And that was my answer - with kids to consider, I would not be going. Maybe that was him assessing the situation - but that’s the honest truth so no point saying otherwise.

He has previously told me that he wished he’d had kids, but he feels like the chance has passed him by.

The contract is to work on a project which will last between 2 and 5 years. If we got together and things worked out, there is time for us to consider having a child together. If he was gone for 5 years and THEN we got together the chance would indeed have passed us by.

But “please stay, let’s give this a shot, it could be great” could turn into, as someone said, “I’m living the daily grind with someone else’s kids, this isn’t what I thought it would be, and damn it, I’ve missed the boat with this job”.

I’m still not sure whether to even put him in the situation whereby staying “to be with me” is one of the choices, or whether to let him decide without me trying to influence him.

OP posts:
adayatthebeach · 26/02/2018 14:12

Dont tell him let him decide he needs you. No pressure on him that way and it shows him all you want for him is his happiness!

Original poster
DaffsAreOut · 26/02/2018 14:21

@adayatthebeach I love your comment :)

OP posts:
seventh · 26/02/2018 14:34

Give him all the info 👍👍

seventh · 26/02/2018 14:37

You could start with a long distance relationship? If he decided to go and wanted you too?

starlightafar · 26/02/2018 14:42

I think you're massively overthinking this OP.
You are considering scenarios that might never happen. I know you're friends but you haven't even entered a relationship with him.
You are creating a fake relationship in your head. You aren't 'letting him go', it isn't a Bridget Jones film. He is going if he wants to, doesn't need you to sacrifice anything.
If you did tell him, and he didn't go, you wouldn't be responsible for him resenting the daily grind. Why is this all your responsibility?
I seriously feel -and I am sorry- that you are picking up on titbits he has said in passing because you have loved him for a long time. Today he may never think he wants children-he said it once, ages ago. Probably hasn't thought about it since.
You are talking as if the minute you say you like him romantically, he will throw away his future to stay with you. Most likely he won't, but you're already thinking of when you could both have a child, and the realities of schools in Australia. It all seems very premature, for a man you don't even know wants a relationship with you.
If you were on dating websites thinking this people would warn you. The fact you have been friends for years is irrelevant because being partners is different from being friends, so in essence the relationship is new. It hasn't even started, and you don't even know if he wants that.
Slow down. I personally wouldn't. But given that you are so invested, I'd probably text him and tell him. If it goes tits up after that you wave him off and get on with real life.x

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 14:52

But if he thinks you aren't interested at all, he won't stay to see if there's a future. Just tell him how much you'll miss him and you wondered if he'd stayed if something would come of you but its an amazing experience and chance for him. So honesty without you saying stay with me and make babies