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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone left a relationship cause of step children ?

40 replies

India27 · 18/02/2018 20:49

Ive not long left a relationship because I couldnt handle my step sons behaviour towards me and my son, we all lived together full time, I just wondered if any one else has left because of a step childs behaviour.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 18/02/2018 20:51

No, I've not been in that situation, but I know I would leave if they were behaving in such a way that meant I couldn't be happy.

LesisMiserable · 18/02/2018 22:01

I guess you have the luxury of just up and leaving step children - lots of people do. If that's what you want, you have the freedom to do it.

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 18/02/2018 22:03

Not the reason we split but the happiest bit of throwing him out was never having to deal with his ex or dd ever again!!

Gemini69 · 18/02/2018 22:07

India27 you did the right thing for your Child and yourself Flowers

Ploppymoodypants · 18/02/2018 22:14

Parenting is so hard, but at the core of it, is protecting your own child. The way your DP needs to do for their child. I think if you are unhappy and your own child was, then it’s very difficult to justify staying. If it risks the relationship and happiness of your own child. I would imagine the step child was unhappy also and expressing that in their unwanted behaviour.

HipsterAssassin · 18/02/2018 22:23

It’s so tough, I’m with someone we both have dc and not sure if we will embark on that road. There are always parenting differences and difficult feelings, I think. And a lot at stake. You must be feeling awful. Be kind to yourself. You’ve done the right thing for your dc I’m sure.

another20 · 18/02/2018 22:42

How old was the SS? Why was he with his DF full-time and how did the DF deal with the issue?

Original poster
India27 · 18/02/2018 22:50

The step sons 7 and my sons 10, he lives with his dad cause his mums an alcoholic, I been with the dad for 4 years and hes had his son full time for the last year,

OP posts:
lilybetsy · 18/02/2018 23:08

My relationship broke down in part because my partner could not get on with my eldest son. His problem , I stuck with my kids ...

another20 · 18/02/2018 23:16

Sounds like the SS has had an absolutely hideous life so far, family break-up, father leaving, alcoholic mother, then further disruption when he left, assume had to be removed from his mother and home to live with his Dad and another family. Very damaging and traumatic and he must be acting out all these issues through anger at you and your DS.

You and your son don't need to be collateral damage in this situation so I don't judge you for taking yourselves out of firing range.

The SS needs a lot of love and support and professional intervention - is he getting that?

How is your xDP handling it?

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 18/02/2018 23:17

It was certainly a factor among a hundred other issues. We didn't move in together, mainly because of the issues around differing parenting styles Disney dad but the times when we were all together were some of my least favourite, so I won't be sorry not to be entangled with them any more.

I never really bonded with them over 5 years as one was very clingy and territorial over him and got away with saying things that were rude and undermining me because she was small and 'cute'. The other was obviously as pissed off as me that her sister dominated her dad's attention and didn't really spend any time with us for the past few years.

TBH he did quite a lot of damage in the early days by leaving me to entertain them while he slept at the weekends. I took a big step back as I didn't want him treating me as an unpaid babysitter while he napped.

another20 · 18/02/2018 23:19

Is your DS recovering from how he was treated by the SS and the break-up of the s family unit?

Original poster
India27 · 18/02/2018 23:28

Step sons had a bit of support with changes(not enough), his dads quite in denial of his behaviour his dad would tell him off but step son wouldn't care, I knows hes been through alot as a child but he was hitting mine for no reason

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 18/02/2018 23:43

You step son has autism.

Is there a reason you're not mentioning that this time around?

slashdragon · 18/02/2018 23:46

You posted about this the other day and hadn't left then. It was only a few days ago that you made the other post.

When did you leave?

Original poster
India27 · 19/02/2018 00:03

Yea there is because alot of peoples feedback was that my son should learn a lesson in life because the other childs autistic, so I was curious to see if people would think differently, when you mention a disability ohh thats ok to treat people how ever you want, I left Thursday

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 19/02/2018 01:32

It's not ok for your son to be hit and of course you should protect him but it sounds like you harbour anger towards a 7 year old with autism who has had a traumatic start.

springydaff · 19/02/2018 06:03

dear me twatty, how to read dastardly when dastardly simply isn't there.

OP you moved out to protect your boy is the beginning and end of it. Well done, you did the right thing.

EllieMe · 19/02/2018 06:18

You did the right thing. Autism isn't an excuse for violence and you had to protect your son because SS's father wasn't dealing with it.

ChaosNeverRains · 19/02/2018 06:29

I am of the belief that step parenting isn’t for most people tbh and that blending families is rarely if ever a good idea, and that if you realise that then the best course of action is to leave the relationship.

However, I am constantly astounded at the amount of vitriol and bad feeling that is directed at small children in these instances by adults who to be brutally honest should know better and who certainly wouldn’t appreciate the same levels of criticism being directed at their own children in the same circumstances. Never ceases to amaze me that it’s always the children/the ex/the partner at fault, while the step parent and their own children are hapless victims in the middle of it all.

At the end of the day the only victim here was a seven year old child with issues of his own which he needed support to deal with, and probably the OP’s child who didn’t ask to be in the situation either. But the adults should all have known better and should all do right by all of the children involved.

And it’s situations like this one which lead to step parents getting such a hard time on mn and elsewhere.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 19/02/2018 06:38

alot of peoples feedback was that my son should learn a lesson in life because the other childs autistic
No 100% of people told you to leave and a whole lot hated your absolutely horrible attitude to a child who had lost his family and had a disability which made seeing the world hard.
Spawn of satan.... And so on.

springydaff · 19/02/2018 06:43

We must be reading a different thread then Chaos. I haven't seen any evidence at all that op is being vitriolic about ss, just simply stating autistic ss is violent towards op's son.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 19/02/2018 06:45

springydaff
This is the second thread the OP has made on this subject.

chinnyrekkon · 19/02/2018 06:56

Never ceases to amaze me that it’s always the children/the ex/the partner at fault, while the step parent and their own children are hapless victims in the middle of it all.

This would be because this is a thread written by one side of things.....of course she will write it from a perspective of hardship, it's how she feels.
Who actually cares if she remains 100% impartial?

MrsBertBibby · 19/02/2018 07:01

alot of peoples feedback was that my son should learn a lesson in life because the other childs autistic, so I was curious to see if people would think differently, when you mention a disability ohh thats ok to treat people how ever you want

That really isn't actually what happened, though, is it?

No one doubted your situation was very sad. No one doubted that you were right to leave. People just felt the poor child deserved less blame and anger from you, an adult, who had choices denied to him.

Anyway, good luck, you've clearly done right, and I hope you all heal and find happiness.