Why am I never good enough to be relationship material?

[christmaslog]

I just had to end things with a man I was seeing for a few months because he was losing interest and played the classic 'I don't want a relationship card'.

Every time I try dating and I meet someone I like it follows a similar pattern. Meet, they want to date for a few months, then it ends with me wanting more and them not. I'd say in the last few years, this has happened to me maybe 10+ times.

I can't transition from dating to relationship and I don't understand why.

The latest guy I thought I did it all right. Held out 8 dates for sex, didn't seem to keen, kept expectations low, yet still it's failed.

I don't know what's wrong with me and how to change.

Other people I know meet someone, they both like each other then seem confident it will end up a relationship and it does.

I can never have this because I just know it will go wrong - and it does!

What am I doing so wrong? Btw I'm 29.

Are you ever single and happy?

The thing you're doing wrong is thinking you are doing something wrong.

You may be 29 but are you really ready for a relationship? Gaining an understanding of what is right for you is not something to be sacrificed when the first bidder comes along. Give it time and follow another dream (Theatre? Cycling? Study?) while you allow yourself to develop into someone who knows what they want and shows that to others.

Did you really really like these men? Did you fancy the pants off them and love spending time with them? Was holding out for eight dates before you had sex absolute agony? Did you count the minutes until you could see them again and long for the opportunity to share that funny/strange/interesting thing that just happened that you know they’d understand?

I think you should ask a female friend to be honest with you.

As soon as you stop trying, it'll all fall into place. You simply haven't met the right person yet, no 'rules' will turn the wrong person into the right person for you. Focus on yourself, what makes you happy and feed all of the attention you would give a man to yourself. You're gonna be fine :)

I have this problem and I know it's because I have attachment difficulties (childhood issues), saw a psychotherapist for a year and she told me it's because I seek out people (subconsciously) who are emotionally unavailable and therefore will never have a relationship with me. So I have learnt to not let things go on for months on end with someone who will never let it develop like I have done in the past. I'm not saying you have attachment difficulties, just wanted to share my experience. I always thought I had just never let the right person, though I realise now it's because I have wasted time with the wrong people because of my problems with developing an emotional attachment to someone.

You're 29. Have you ever had a long term relationship? Ever? if you have, how did that happen? Was something different to now?

Are you too clingy? Too intense? Not intense enough? Do you ask it to become a relationship? Or do they just back off?

If this is 10 times in a few years that seems to say 2-3 times a year. Is that the number of men you are seeing? if so and it's all online, that's not a lot.

BTW I think the comments assuming you don't know who you are and 'get a hobby' are a bit patronising. You are 29, not 16.

The one thing that seems obvious to me here is the choice of men

Where are you meeting them ?
What kind of man are you attracted to ?
Are you going out with men you are attracted to, or who "will do" ?

I second what endofacwntury says, it's quite common. Our experiences as kids can make us subconsciously attracted to the wrong kinds of people.

I could have written this. Every guy I've liked in the last 3 or so years has done this. A couple in hindsight were bad news from the start and completely wrong for me but others I'm baffled by, we'd be seeing each other for weeks or months, they'd profess to have feelings for me and not want to see anyone else, we'd hang out all the time and act like we were in a relationship but the minute the word was mentioned they'd scarper. It happens to a lot of my friends as well. I wish I had an answer, I don't know where the men are who want relationships but I sure as hell cant find them.

Are the guys you go for players? Some people are just serial daters and/or too immature to settle in their twenties, and for whatever reason you might be subconciously picking that type of guy.

Are you just letting things evolve naturally rather than trying to play it by some arbitrary set of rules? maybe they feel like you're trying to play out some script rather than actually getting to know them and it puts them off.

Equally if you're dating every guy you meet, then maybe you aren't being picky enough and filtering out the guys who are lukewarm initially (and willing to casually date, but not commit).

Unfortunately it could also be that you're very demanding or seem like you'd not be good relationship material for some other reason (ask a brutally honest friend if they think you have any offputting traits). But without knowing you it's impossible to say.

Why are you assuming it is you ? It could well be that you have met unsuitable men , did you meet them and think , wow this is the one for me or did you think well if I put in some effort this one might work out OK ?

Maybe you need an older man? Men in their mid/late twenties are often not really at the same "stage" as women the same age?
Maybe a guy in early-30s might be more open to relationships?

Or just a more mature one lol

BTW I think the comments assuming you don't know who you are and 'get a hobby' are a bit patronising. You are 29, not 16.

Not meant in that sense, Perky, I can assure you
FWIW I don't know a 29 year who has it all sorted, and wouldn't want someone of that age to feel pressure that they should be. I was suggesting developing a passion, possibly as a profession and the word 'hobby' doesn't describe what I meant. I guess its up to the OP to say if she feels patronised by that suggestion.

Back to you, OP. I think you may come across to some as needy and with low self-esteem - someone used to being treated as an object they can pick up then put down when the next one comes along. Awareness of how people behave can come from personal experience, which will be valuable to you, and time is your friend.

I did think I was attracted to men who aren't so into me - if someone is very keen it makes me suspicious that there is something wrong with them. However the last guy I was really into and vice versa, at the start anyway. It always turns into me pursuing them even if they started pursuing me.

I really liked the last guy and he seemed super into me at first which is why I'm feeling even worse about it - because what if that was my last chance and I messed it up. But he wasn't in the best place for a relationship - living between two cities, he was really unhappy in his job, not sure where and if ever he wanted to settle down.

I wonder if I need to be more upfront with men as to what I'm looking for. I tend to let things drag on when deep down I know they're not going anywhere.

OP as people have said this is very often linked to attachment issues and can be unpicked with a therapist. I also thought the idea to ask a female friend to tell you honestly was a good one!

Sounds like you've answered your own question there
You spent a lot of time with men who aren't that interested in you.
Then you pick someone who was, but life got in the way. So you're in the main picking unavailables and just because one man who was available didn't work out doesn't mean they all won't
Perhaps sit and think about them all in context and you might find that he was the first one that where you didn't go for someone wrong for you. Ergo you're on the right track!

And also yes it is will be to do with attachment issues
So don't use this relationship not working out for you to go back to your old patterns.

Thanks for posting this thread OP. I'm very similar to you in terms of my relationship history. I think it is about attachment issues. Subconsciously we don't want it to work out.

I'd have to sa this is actually quite common especially if you meet men online. I'm afraid to say that majority of men online are actually serial daters... are willing to pass up a opportunity with a really good woman due to their online dating needs.. the minute it's starts to get serious they bolt... or become more distant

Totally with you there, game changer. It's the whole sweet shop syndrome. Some of them won't realise they've passed up their chances till it's too late.

OP, stop looking or at least stop looking online.
Enjoy being single. Get some activities into your life so that you are out and about and mingling. There are lots of activities that are fun and let you meet people - you could do something like join a running club - if nothing else, you'll get fit.
Go on dates for fun not for a LTR.

Thanks for all the replies.

I have had long term relationships before but not from online dating. I've been single for a couple of years aside from a few three or four month things.

I'm not really settled myself which is perhaps some of the problem. I probably need to work on my self confidence too - I don't see that I have much to offer someone and I feel like I'm waiting for them to realise that.