Why am I never good enough to be relationship material?

[christmaslog]

I just had to end things with a man I was seeing for a few months because he was losing interest and played the classic 'I don't want a relationship card'.

Every time I try dating and I meet someone I like it follows a similar pattern. Meet, they want to date for a few months, then it ends with me wanting more and them not. I'd say in the last few years, this has happened to me maybe 10+ times.

I can't transition from dating to relationship and I don't understand why.

The latest guy I thought I did it all right. Held out 8 dates for sex, didn't seem to keen, kept expectations low, yet still it's failed.

I don't know what's wrong with me and how to change.

Other people I know meet someone, they both like each other then seem confident it will end up a relationship and it does.

I can never have this because I just know it will go wrong - and it does!

What am I doing so wrong? Btw I'm 29.

endofacentury has it as do others who mentioned attachment issues. Doesn't mean there's something wrong with you just a pattern that's subconciously formed to keep you guarded. You might need some help unravelling it. Your 29, so young, forget men for a while and get to the bottom of this.

Christmas - online dating can be very very flaky, you also need to have a thick skin. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you so start building that self esteem up!!

OP - I really feel for you. I’m 43 and in a similar situation. I feel like I’m never good enough for a relationship and that I’ll never meet anyone. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.

I’m appalled by the PP who wrote: “As soon as you stop trying, it'll all fall into place. You simply haven't met the right person yet, no 'rules' will turn the wrong person into the right person for you.”

This is really terrible advice. Of course there isn’t someone for everyone.

When i was OD i made a point of being upfront of what i was after.
If they werent after the same - it filters a lot.

Also...dont ever pick the chasing up if they stop.
Stop expecting them to fail either. Just go with the flow. If you believe they will fail, the chances are they will.

OD is hard. Really hard. Take a break if needed. Dont let it knock your confidence and self esteem. Everyone doing OD goes through this

Stop expecting the relationships to fail i meant

Me too.

I think when i was younger i was avoidant myself and felt stifled by som3body else's certainty and mistook unavailability for butterflies.

I think. But knowing that doesnt change the fact that my whole life there has been no overlap between the people i want and the people who properly want me. None. It's awful. And platitudes are just that. I can wait, be proactive, accept it, not accept it.... makes no difference.

I reckon all relationships end up a bit mundane eventually anyway. So work on your stuff, don't give up, but recognise that a relationship isn't a panacea. You also don't want your self esteem to hinge up in whether a relationship lasts or not. I think that can be an issue when you start looking to yourself for reasons.

I can't say what (if anything) you're doing wrong but I can say I felt exactly the same as you at a similar age and didn't know what I was doing wrong! I'll get flamed for this but my personal experience only- I decided to make the absolute best of myself. Took up fitness, lost a stone and a half (went from a 12 to an 8), got a decent haircut, cleaned up my diet. It wasn't just about losing a bit of weight, it was about becoming the person I always wanted to be but didn't think I could be.

After that I got loads more interest- I don't think it was my new look per se- but I was so much more confident!

You may have no weight to lose, but my advice would be get active (everyone looks healthier if they exercise) and make yourself the best version of you to boost your self esteem. You're still so young, I am happily married now but look back and feel sad at all the years I felt lonely and hopeless, although I'm glad I took things into my own hands and did something about it.

Im size 10, nice hair, nice clothes, genuinely in a good place, interests, plans, passions, curious, healthy, grounded, kind, funny...

Plenty of people who are nowhere near their best self have a good relationship.

No idea why there is zero serious interest but done with pushing water uphill now.

It's not you. It's them. Online dating is full of men who just want serial casual shags. Even if you say you want a relationship not a casual shag, they'll still try their luck and then dump once they've succeeded.

You don't have to give up OLD, but you do need to expect this. That thing about having to kiss a 1000 frogs before you meet the prince. Though the princes tend to have free pick so aren't always good at monogamy, whilst a frog can be more grateful for your interest.

If you can meet someone in real life, it can sometimes go better. Exploit all opportunities through work and your social scene to meet people.

Couple-relationships are hugely overrated, OP. Especially for women. Are you sure you want a lifetime of compromising, making nice, picking up some bloke's shitty pants from the floor and worrying if he's having an affair? (Yeah yeah, some relationships are lovely and life-enhancing, but plenty really aren't). It's honestly better all round to work on making a happy life for yourself - fill it with hobbies and interests and friends, and work you care about. Then, if a worthwhile bloke comes along, he'll be a nice addition to your life, but your life will still be nice even without a man in it. Also, if you have a nice, full life, you are less likely to latch on to a useless or unpleasant man, because all the nice things that you already have going on will be too enjoyable and important to sacrifice.

Exactly HeddaGarbled it's a numbers game OD. Just lol around you there are plenty of people in healthy relationships who are very average looking... all shapes and sizes... I think yes you can do whatever it takes to make yourself confident be it weight loss whatever I certainly have done that but ultimately it's more than just looks. I think it is however a well known fact that OD for the majority of men and some women is just a "hook up" opportunity...
I think the problem is a lot of late twenties-30s women turn to OD hoping to meet a life partner whereas a lot of men (not all) use it to meet women for sex.

Think reanimated has made a great point - focus on having a good life. Even when dating and feelings start to grow keep some perspective on your life, so if it ends you don't get the general "I'm failing" feeling.

Can you look at the relationships that you have had and see positives from the experiences?

FWIW I was OD for 14 months before I met my BF. I dated as many potential men as I could and ended things quickly when I couldn't see what I needed. Maybe you could date more and be realistic about what you expect earlier on?

I don't need to lose weight (appreciate it's a bit of a stock MNet response) - I'm already a size 8 and run marathons on a reasonably regular basis/spend a lot of time in the gym (but not too much before this gets picked up on)! Also I'm 29 - of course I take care of my hair, clothes etc.

The problem isn't physical - I'm very attractive - and have no problems getting a first, second, third date etc. The issue lies a few months in and transitioning this to a relationship.

I felt like you at one point in my life and looking back with hindsight I was simply trying to fit round pegs into square holes.

I knew deep down they were not the greatest match for me but was so worried about someone being ‘the one that got away’ and had had so many shit relationships, I didn’t know what a good one was.

When I look back on some of the people that I tried to make work, I laugh my head off! We were so not suited! But I chose to believe we were at the time as I wasn’t very lonely
I think what the previous posted said before was right.
No amount of ‘trying’ will make someone who isn’t right for you, right.

And when someone is right for you it won’t feel like this

I honk you have put far too much emphasis on whether they like you! How about whether you like them! really, truly deep down??

@christmaslog I saw this posted on Facebook:

www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-avoid-the-pursuer-distancer-pattern-in-your-relationship/

I'm not really settled myself which is perhaps some of the problem. I probably need to work on my self confidence too - I don't see that I have much to offer someone and I feel like I'm waiting for them to realise that.

Here's your answer, OP - and I'd suggest it's more like "most" and not "some" of the problem.

Therapy might be a great way to start addressing why you have such low self-esteem. No doubt its origins lie further back than the present.

Why am I never good enough to be relationship material?

The problem is your mindset.
There is no such thing as 'not good enough to be be relationship material ' unless someone is a commitment-phobe, a serial adulterer, a loner etc and knows it.

Stop thinking of yourself as a commodity (ie 'material'.)

I suspect there is also something about how you behave in relationship ( of a few months) that may scare guys away. They can smell desperation and lack of confidence.

You need to relax. You are only 29. The issue is you've not met the right person and in the meantime you could be losing men by being a bit over-keen (even if you don't think you are.)

Try to meet men through your hobbies, friends, friends of friends and not rely on OLD. I think young people today forget that for most of the population over 40, OLD didn't exist when we were first dating. We met people through mutual contacts, work etc. Widen your social circle, boost your self-esteem- there are loads of self-help books out there that can help- or see a life coach or someone like that who can help you work on your confidence and self worth.

"The problem isn't physical - I'm very attractive - and have no problems getting a first, second, third date etc. The issue lies a few months in and transitioning this to a relationship."

Perhaps you're too attractive?

What I mean by this is that it's entirely possible these guys you're meeting are genuine, but they're blinded by their attraction to you, and fail to realise the basic compatibility problems until a few months in. Then they bail. This is particularly likely with OLD, since it can be very difficult for guys to get dates with attractive women online.

Do you have much in common with these guys? Are you genuinely compatible or just trying to force something to work? Consider whether you have similar interests, life goals, sense of humour, similar relationship ideals, desire for spending time together, etc.

You need to be more secure in yourself - be more confident.

If you don't love yourself it will be hard for others to love you.

"They can smell desperation and lack of confidence.'

Yup.

Maybe try being less available.

You sound unsettled and this latest guy also sounds unsettled. Timing is everything in a relationship. If one or both of you is not really in a good place to commit to a relationship then it can fizzle out - which is what it sounds like from your posts.

I remember when I was feeling very similar to you, aged 28. My DM gave me a good piece of advice, which was 'Decide where you want to be and the other things will fall into place, but while you're so unsettled you won't find stability in other areas of your life'. So I did. I was really torn between staying in London or going abroad again and I committed to staying in London. It was the right decision.

which is why I'm feeling even worse about it - because what if that was my last chance and I messed it up.

This could be a huge problem. I'm not sure if you realise how much guys pick up on a girls feelings when she's anxious that this could be her 'last chance' at happiness.

We all do it, start over investing. I've certainly done it and even now in a very early relationship I find myself starting to invest too much and forgetting to hold back and continue to live my life.

I think the most attractive thing to a guy is a girl who doesn't need a man. Who has other things going on, isn't always available - and not by playing games, by genuinely having other things to do - seeing friends, going to the gym, doing her own thing. Would you say you act this way?

It's also very easy to go for the wrong guys who are emotionally unavailable. I have only just snapped out of that bad habit. Sometimes we do this when we aren't actually ready for a relationship, so it's easier to like someone who isn't interested. Or when we have deeper problems with ourselves, and we go for people who don't like us or treat us bad because we think it's what we deserve.

Sounds like you are in great shape and a beautiful woman. So maybe it's time to work on your insecurities. Because I think you're going into a relationship looking for it to complete you, and you need to feel complete on your own.

I also think you need to really look at the qualities you want in a guy and make a list of what YOU need from someone. What YOU won't settle for. Set some standards of what you require in a partner, don't just be desperate to settle because you're worried it's your 'last chance.'

I have a friend who has similar experiences to you OP, she’s 29 too.

Drawing on a PP’s suggestion to ask a female friend for their honest opinion (which I think is a really good idea!) in my opinion this friend aims too high - she has a huge criteria list (must be 6ft, must have own home, must not have a hairy chest etc 😂). Though she is very attractive (in my boyfriend and his friends expert opinions!) I think this comes from a place of insecurity for her - she rejects men before they have the chance to reject her. So the only guys she will go for are then the personal trainer/ flashy/ too good to be true/ player types which is why things don’t tend to last.

Not to say that me and my coupled up friends have ‘low’ standards but I would say we seize attraction and fancying where we have found it (and generally IRL rather than online) rather than disqualifying someone because he has wonky teeth or a crap car.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful but thought I would post my thoughts just in case you recognise anything.